


Fate

by ITZtigress3



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Baby, Babysitting, Domestic Violence, F/M, Family Drama, Family Issues, Gen, Minor Violence, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Oral Sex, Sex, Sexual Violence, South Africa, Tulsa - Freeform, Vaginal Sex, accidental baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:34:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 51
Words: 144,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ITZtigress3/pseuds/ITZtigress3
Summary: Cassandra is trying to escape her past and rebuild her life in the best way she can, without fear and pain.Zac is trying to raise his son and patch up his life after a year of mistakes. He’s trying to figure out what and how to accomplish so much…Will Fate bring them both the happy ending they want…or will it tear them to pieces?**Thank you Tondada for the editing!*





	1. My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Copyright © 2014-Present By Jennifer Walker. All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2014-Present By Jennifer Walker. All Rights Reserved

POV: Cassandra

June 26, 2006

The day had started like the last few weeks had. The alarm went off early and woke me up at 4:45 am. I had showered super quick because it was mostly to wake me up better than to clean as I showered before bed. I then got dressed in the standard uniform, blue jeans and a t-shirt, I then got my name tag. It was a simple uniform really, I liked it. It was comfortable. I worked at a Quiktrip on first shift. It wasn’t my ideal place but it paid for what had to be paid for. I got there on time at 5:50. 

“Morning.” He said.

“Morning, Frank.” 

Frank had been here for years working third shift, he was way older than me but that was okay. He ran me through what had occurred during the night. I was here alone for about thirty minutes before the second cashier came in and the managers. Saphira came in at 7 and she nudged me.

“Shopping after work?” 

“For what?” I asked.

“Girl, you wear the same three pair of blue jeans to work. You need something new and aren’t you attending a show this weekend?” 

“I am attending a show, yes.” 

“We can get you an outfit for that.” 

Saphira was my age, a whole five months older if you want to be technical. I met her when I began working here, she didn’t take ‘shy’ as an excuse not to talk. She had black hair and grey eyes and she did have a nose ring also, but she didn’t wear it here because we couldn’t. 

“You should pierce your ears too.” She said.

“Saphira.” I said.

“Come on Cassandra, you should.”

“I don’t know.” 

She smiled. “So…shopping after work?” 

“Sure, but you know I usually stay until four.” 

“I know, no problem. I told Mrs. Peggy I would stay a little longer today. I left early the other day.”

Saphira was really the only person I talked to here, at least outside of work related conversations. There were four people on first shift, including the manager Mrs. Peggy. I was usually off the register and cleaning, stocking, or doing something on the floor. Not that I didn’t like the register, I just didn’t know how to really interact with customers the way the others do. Once it slowed, I moved to the cooler to clean, stock, and prepare it for inspection in a few days.

My normal shift was six am to two pm, the days changed but I volunteered to work every day if she needed. Labor laws prevented that though, so she scheduled me five days and if needed I would cover. She, however, liked that I paid attention to details, so when it came to organizing and cleaning, I was the one. I generally left at four because she didn’t care if I stayed. As long as I was doing something then it was okay. 

I liked the cleaning and the cooler, it was quiet and I was hidden from view a lot. I was in the back stocking the beer when she came to the door.

“Cassandra?” 

“Yes Ma’am?” 

“You wanted this Saturday off, right?” 

“Yes Ma’am, I got myself tickets to a show.” 

“I wanted to make sure it was this Saturday, I’m short Friday.” 

“What shift?” 

“Third.” 

“I can cover it, it’s not that bad. I can go right to the venue from here and then sleep in line.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay.” 

I put the change in my phone, it would mean a double Friday or an off morning and I could sleep late! The show that I was going to was a fourth of July Hanson show. 

It was a little after four before I counted my drawer down and clocked out. I had liked Hanson since they came out, I am an Oklahoma girl by blood having been born in Oklahoma City and raised there. I didn’t move to Tulsa until a few years ago. I had been here for years but only a few glances of the Hanson boys or their families. Usually when there was a major event in town but that was years ago. I hadn’t attended or been to anything since I moved here. I recently got their Underneath album and I was in love with it.

When they announced the show I couldn’t refuse, it was my birthday gift to myself. At 3:55 I pulled my register and counted it down. It was just ten after when Saphira met me at her car. She never let me drive, she didn’t like my car. I had a 2002 Chevrolet Malibu. But she had a convertible, which she was very fond of. She drove us to a store, one that I wouldn’t have chosen but I learned after the first two trips not to argue. 

“What do you want to wear?” 

“I was thinking just pants and a shirt.” 

She rolled her eyes. “It’s going to be like 90 Saturday. You need to wear shorts.” 

I frowned at her, I hadn’t worn shorts in years. “I haven’t worn shorts in a while.” 

“Define a while..” 

“Sometime in 2003, so around three years. I’ve only worn pants, and once in awhile Capri’s, but they bug me.”

“How the hell did you live through summers in just pants?” 

“I had a few dresses, it wasn’t that bad.” 

“Please tell me you shave..you aren’t one of those weird women.” 

“No. I am not weird like that. It doesn’t mean that I do that every single shower.” 

“Well, you need shorts for Saturday. So, let’s find you something.” 

She dragged me to the shorts. “You’re what about a size 10?” 

“I get a ten usually but I actually wear about a 6 or an 8, depending on the cut.” 

“Why get a ten?” 

“It’s what I prefer.” 

I couldn’t tell her the real reason I wore a ten was because it’s what was bought. I hadn’t told anyone about what happened in my past, it wasn’t needed or required. I watched her grab a few pair of shorts before she ushered me to the dressing room. The first several were simply too short, even I felt like if I sat down anyone could see my underwear. The next few were the right length but they were still super tight. 

It went like that for what felt like an hour, until she squealed and held up a pair of overalls, they were denim in a light color and had stars all over them, a small pocket on the top had blue and white stripes. I just _had_ to try them on according to her. I tried them on and they fit well, they had some length so I decided I would get them. By the time I came out she had a faded red shirt to go with it.

“Sure you don’t want those ears pierced?” 

“Saphira.” 

“Come on, I’ll pay for them. You just need to get them.” 

I had let mine grow up years ago because they hurt when they were pulled on. But, that was my past and I wanted a different future. She gave me her smile and I finally agreed. 

“But simple studs please.” 

We checked out, she had gotten other things and then we went to a tattoo parlor.

“Tattoo parlor?” I asked.

“They are safer, usually heal better and I want to get another one done for me too.” 

I wasn’t sure about this but went with her, the men inside were larger, scarier and I just stayed behind her as she told them what she wanted. It was a different scene for me completely. They started with her and she added a second hole to her ears. 

“What do you want?” He asked.

The available options were mostly flashy but I settled on a simple pair of blue balls. They were small and wouldn’t be really seen. I was nervous as hell when I sat down. But the actual needle really didn’t hurt. It just felt weird. She paid for the piercing and then she drove us to a restaurant nearby. 

“Saphira.”

“Hey, you only seem to eat ramen noodles and vegetable tray items. You need a good dinner and I’m tired of eating alone or with some jackass.”

She really did have shitty luck too, so I didn’t keep talking. Instead I went inside with her, it wasn’t a super expensive place but I still felt weird. 

“Okay girl, you gotta tell me something about you.”

They had already taken our orders and it had been quiet for moments.

“There really isn’t much to tell about me. I’m pretty much a homebody.” 

“Okay. Do you have any siblings?” 

“No. I’m an only child. I’m like my parent’s miracle child. They tried for several years and had some issues before they had me.”

“Aunts? Uncles?” 

“My mom has a brother, younger, and my dad has a younger sister. They all live in Florida now, my parents retired there in 2004.” 

“Nice. What did you do before you came to the store?”

“I worked for a daycare center, usually with the really young ones. But, sometimes I was with the toddlers too.”

“Here in town?” 

“No. It was outside of town.” 

I didn’t want her to find where I worked before, little white lies were easy to maintain and keep straight. 

“Why did you come here?” 

“Liked the city, needed a change. Once I can, I’ll find a place.” 

“I wondered why you said hotel.” 

“I actually don’t mind it right now. I mean the bills are super cheap so I can save up and figure out if Tulsa is where I want to be or if Florida is my new home.” 

The goal was Florida really, I wanted to be as far from Oklahoma as I could be. 

“What is your middle name?” 

I raised an eyebrow. “What is yours?” 

“Korinna. It’s like cor-rio-na, my mother was a huge Greek mythology person. Our last name is Greek and she said it was destiny that I was born in January. So, she named me Greek. Saphira Korinna.” 

“Destiny is my middle name, because I was destined to be there miracle kid.”

“When is your birthday? I don’t think you’ve ever said.” 

“I’ve never said because it’s not a big deal.” 

“You’re birthday is a big deal. When is it?” 

“It’s Saturday. July 1st.” 

“No way! It’s good that you’re going to the show then, your birthday present.” 

“I got lucky they were doing it then, destiny maybe?” 

“Maybe. You know the youngest had a kid right?” 

“Honestly, I haven’t kept up. I know nothing about their personal lives.” 

“You live in Tulsa, you work eleven minutes from their studio. Have you ever even been there?” 

“No.” 

“Damn girl. Taylor is the only one married, he got married in May. Isaac dated but nothing steady. But it was Zac that dropped a bombshell from hell on the 18 th. He posted that he had a son, but he didn’t post any information on by whom or anything. Every woman on the planet is claiming it’s their son.” 

“Maybe he doesn’t want her to be targeted or something. I haven’t kept up, but I do have the last album and I like it. I hope they play some of them.” 

“I’m sure they will. They’re suppose to be doing a follow up this year. So, aside from Hanson, what else do you listen to?” 

“Not much really. Mostly country music. Alan Jackson is good. But, before that it just was like pop type music. Pop rock, little alternative, some like hardcore music but not much.” 

“I never foreseen you listening to hardcore music.” 

“I have a few I like, not many.” 

“Why the gas station?” 

“First shift. Everywhere else I looked was third or second. I like working mornings.” 

“Nice.”

“What about you?” 

“About the same, I like that it pays well and it’s good. I can do classes in the afternoons if I want. I’m still thinking on that. I’m not going to be money needy, my parents are pretty set and as the only child also, they don’t care about what I buy or not. Long as I don’t do drugs or don’t go ape shit wild spending they’re fine. Really, when I do really expensive stuff I buy it myself.” 

The food came and conversation kind of died, it only picked up a bit as we left where she asked about my favorite color, which coincidentally was black. She dropped me off at my car and I headed to my home, which at the moment was a hotel about 5 miles from the store. It was affordable, clean, and had a fridge and microwave. I didn’t need much else, I wasn’t a huge TV watcher either so I didn’t really care if the place had cable or HBO. The alarm was set before I showered. 

Saphira did seem real, she didn’t seem like she would be a major bitch or anything. But, I couldn’t trust her to know my past just yet. I couldn’t trust anyone really. I was always wary and even here, no one could find me. I had used a fake name to register and paid them cash. I avoided any hotel that required me to register under my real name. That was mostly the more expensive places anyway, so I had the leg up on not wanting expensive. 

I set the alarm and laid down about nine, usually I go to bed early. But, sometimes when I was off I didn’t. Mostly because it always took me forever to fall asleep and some nights I didn’t sleep long before the dreams kicked in, waking up from some of those meant I didn’t sleep anymore. Thankfully, tonight seemed to be calm and I was falling asleep quickly.


	2. Sitter Problems

POV: Zac

 

June 30, 2006

I had been a full time father for 13 days. The first few nights were not bad, I got kind of use to waking up every two hours or less to prepare a bottle for him or to change diapers. But, a few days was about the end of the nice time. I don’t think I’ve slept in days and while my aunt had someone at the studio to watch him while we practiced that was the only time she would provide someone. My day started at 3 am when he woke up and just cried for hours, I tried everything I knew. I changed his diaper, I tried to give him a bottle, I changed his clothes to something warmer and I’d wrapped him up and held him as tight as I could without hurting him. Nothing worked. He just cried and cried and finally around 7:40 he got quiet and went to sleep. But, it did me no good because I had to be at the studio no later than nine. 

I laid him down on my bed and took a cold ass shower to wake myself back up and get ready. I checked his diaper bag and made sure he would have food, diapers, and extra suits too. I had bought another swing and bouncer combo for the studio because there was nothing there. I also bought a second pack and play so he would have a napping place and changing table. My poor office was cramped. I didn’t move him until it was time to leave and the drive there put him right back to sleep so that was good for everyone.

He woke up at the studio and actually wanted to eat, so I sat in the office and fed him until Tiffany arrived. Tiffany Green was the girl who had been here the last two days, she was good with him but I knew tomorrow someone else would be meeting me because she worked Monday through Friday only. 

“How is little one this morning?” 

“Not very good. He just ate though, he did eat a bit this morning, but the full amount now. He woke up at three crying.” 

She smiled. “Alrighty.” 

I handed him to her and then went to the studio where Isaac and Taylor were already discussing the show, I kind of listened, but I was so tired. A few hours each night really was not cutting it, it was making me ill and in turn it was making me question my decision. 

Then again, as much as everyone said they weren’t going to help me, I really did think after he was born and they met him, that someone would. But, no one did. Mom and Dad would visit, but not stay and the one time I asked if I could nap they flatly told me no. I wouldn’t dare ask Isaac and Taylor was in with Mom and Dad. He would interact but no help if I needed it. 

“Zac? Earth to Zac. Come in Zac.” Isaac said.

He sounded annoyed but whatever. “What?” 

“What songs are you doing for the solo?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“We need to know today.” 

“Isaac the solo is tomorrow, it doesn’t have to be set in stone right this moment. We’ve never set a solo in stone a day before.”

“We were trying to get a time frame here, an idea would be good.” 

“Put me down for four minutes. I mean really if you want to be that picky.” 

I could see his fist curl up, I didn’t care if he wanted to hit me. Not once in the last 11 years had they cared about the exact time. I wasn’t about to start now.

“Have you even practiced any of the songs?” he snapped.

“Every day this week Isaac, you’ve been here. Don’t patronize me Isaac. You know damn well I’ve practiced this week. You bitched about me taking the piano time you had planned. Don’t worry about my solo song, it’ll be done right.” 

“Guys…” Taylor said.

Neither of us replied. I didn’t care to argue, but it seemed like Isaac was pissed that I asked for the time off, then I came in this week because I knew we needed to practice for the show. I was paying someone to watch Joshua while I sat here and argued with them over a fucking song. Yet, I couldn’t say anything because I had no right to tell Isaac he couldn’t be mad, no right to feel hurt myself. Despite the fact that I wouldn’t have a son if his girlfriend then hadn’t been a fucking gold digging bitch. 

“Zac, do you feel okay?” Tay asked.

“I feel fine.” 

“I’m going to get a drink.” Ike declared and walked out.

Drink? No, he was getting away from me. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t an idiot. 

“Zac?” 

“What Taylor?” 

“What is it? You’re not usually this quiet.” 

“You will only tell me that it was my own decision and I have to live with it. Therefore, there is no point in me spending the next ten minutes explaining.”

“You know he’ll be gone at least that long.” 

“Well, since it’s okay for him to just waste time I think I’ll practice some solo’s. Figure out which one is better to play.” 

I got up and moved to the piano, I was thinking Misery. So, I sat down and began to play. It sounded fine to me but after 15 minutes I could hear Isaac’s snort and I just ignored him. When Taylor called for band practice I moved to the drums. It was hard to focus on the songs and beats, perfecting the specific notes when I just wanted to sleep for three hours. 

We practiced for several hours and while it seemed perfectly fine for them to nitpick me, me telling them they were off was like a huge crime. I was glad when they left for lunch. I heated up something from the kitchen and checked on Tiffany. She was crocheting something and Joshua was laying in the bassinet asleep.

“He been good?” 

“Yep. He ate at 11 and I should expect him to wake up soon. He’s about a 2 to three hour baby.” 

“Yeah, on a general day where he isn’t crying so much it’s about three hours.”

“You look really tired.” 

I sat down in the other chair. “Tired.” 

“He’s asleep and the room is quiet. Why not lay your head down a bit?” 

“They’ll be back soon.”

“Zachary, if you are too tired to drive then it doesn’t do you any good.”

She had a point so I did lay my head down and ironically it was over an hour before Taylor woke me up.

“We’re gonna do band stuff, get woke up.” 

I blinked, Tiffany had Joshua feeding him. “I wouldn’t let them wake you up, they got back a few minutes later.”

“Thank you.”

I did wait a few minutes so I could at least speak to my son when he was done eating and then went back to the studio. Yet, they both looked peeved, so I didn’t bother to comment on anything. So many times I wish he was Maddilyn’s son, she would have him during this time and I wouldn’t be paying someone to watch him.

“So, what are you doing tomorrow with Joshua?” 

“Well, I asked Harper to watch him, she said no. I asked Clayton but he and Abigail have plans and can’t, you would be there too, so no point in asking you. I will not ask Maddi, Jessica is going to be helping us, so the last people I asked were Mom and Dad. Both said no. Therefore I asked Aunt Mary if she had anyone. I think her name is Crystal, so he’ll be with her.” 

“You asked Harper?” 

“Yes Taylor, I asked Harper. You both claim to want children so badly, so I asked if she was willing to just watch him when I had to be on stage for sound check or show. She said no.”

Isaac kind of snorted but I ignored him, I knew commenting would just start an argument so I didn’t say a word. 

“You could have called Megan’s parents.” Isaac said.

“Why?” I asked.

He turned to me confused. “He’s their grandson too.” 

“Not according to the law he’s not. I had that explained to me extensively Isaac. She filed to give up all rights to him, she is not his mother according to the state. Therefore, her family members have no rights to him either. I’m not going to risk that her mother, father, or relatives take him and not bring him back.”

He started to comment but Taylor moved in front of him. “Stop Isaac. That isn’t any of our business. What is, is this practice. So let’s do that.” 

Sometimes I had to love Taylor, even if he was being dick about the baby too. It shut Isaac up though and we got down to practicing the songs we were going to play. It was going for four and I had a sitter until seven but she came to the door and we stopped.

“I hate to interrupt but he won’t stop crying. I’ve tried everything and he’s just not calming down. I think he may want you or maybe I’m not doing something right.” 

Joshua had severe crying spells, often and I didn’t understand them. The pediatrician said it was very possible they were a result of the cocaine found in his system. Just another reason to wish Megan had never come into our lives. I got up from the drums.

“We’re not done.” Ike said.

“I am for right now.” I said.

I walked to the office and she had him laying in the bassinet, he was screaming again. I picked him up and again checked the diaper, he wouldn’t take the bottle, it was warmer in here than anywhere else because of a small heater so he wasn’t cold. I just cuddled and rocked. 

“Does he do this often? First time with me, he usually calms down.” 

“He’s been doing it mostly in the morning hours. Three to four am.” 

I knew that basically, there was nothing I could do but rock him and soothe him the best I could. He cried another hour and a half before he finally began to calm down. At that point he took his bottle.

“I know it’s not my business, but is his mother not available?” 

I shook my head no, it wasn’t anyone’s business why she wasn’t around or really who she was.

“It could be her he wants.” 

“I surely hope that’s not the case.”

When he finished eating I used the time remaining for anything we could do. Once she left I had to watch him, I couldn’t drum or anything, because it was too loud for him to be around. We did talk a bit but eventually I took him home. The umbilical cord had fallen off already and I hadn’t done a circumcision on him, the description alone made me hurt. After we were home and had some play time I gave him a bath, the first one had sucked for me. I was terrified I was going to do something wrong. 

His bath tonight went well though, he seemed to enjoy the warm water. I then dried him off good, lotioned him up and dressed him. It was near bottle time so I went down and made the ones I’d need for tonight. I learned a few days into this to get a fridge for my room, it made fixing nighttime bottles easier. After his dinner and a good burping, we both laid down. 

He fell asleep quickly but I was worried about tomorrow and the future. I could keep hiring sitters and all, but during tours I couldn’t do that. I’d need another solution. 

It was becoming very clear that when my family said they would not help me, they hadn’t been kidding. They wouldn’t watch him for any reason, they saw him and would hold him but again, only if I was around. Not even Clayton who had a son would help. I really didn’t know what to do.

Had I made a really big mistake when I chose to take full custody? Should I have listened to everyone and given him up to someone else? Everything in me said no, but the fact remained; I wasn’t sure I could really take care of him.


	3. The Baby

POV: Cassandra

 

July 1, 2006

Third shift was slow and boring but it gave me time to read a bit and I could clean. Saphira came in as relief and I was glad she arrived. Once my drawer was counted down I clocked out and then first changed into the outfit I was wearing.

“I approve.” She said.

“Thanks, I feel weird being in shorts.” 

“You’ll thank me later.” 

“So, what can I take for lunch? I need something so I don’t have to leave for lunch.”

“Sandwiches?” 

“No cooler.” 

“What about the cups of pasta soup you like? You’ve eaten them cold around me several times.” 

I found them and got a few, figuring I could do that for lunch and maybe dinner. I knew I couldn’t take anything inside like that. I had gotten some water bottles and filled them up. I paid for the items and she smiled and handed me a envelope and she leaned forward.

“Cassandra, I don’t know who or what is causing you to be so private, but I know you can’t have much extra money working here and living in a hotel. I want you to enjoy yourself tonight. Consider this a birthday gift and you better come back with an awesome shirt or something.” 

“Saphira.” 

“No. I’m not accepting no. Happy Birthday and go enjoy your show.” 

“Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

I didn’t open the envelope until I was parked at the venue and I about passed out. She’d put two hundred in the envelope and it was a birthday card. I had parked a few blocks away having scouted the area earlier. I didn’t really want to be at the front of the line, I was too visible there. So, I first slept for a few hours. Truthfully, I hadn’t been to many shows so I didn’t have the desire to be right at the front, I just wanted to hear the songs and see them live. The venue afforded a great view no matter where you are. 

I woke up about 11:30 because it was getting hot. I went ahead and ate lunch and got my things situated. Inside the top of the overalls was a pocket, I put the 200 there along with what I had brought. I then locked up the car, put my keys in my pocket and walked to the venue. The line was in a perfect place, near the rear of the building and near the loading and unloading bays. It was perfect, away from the front of the street and pretty well hidden by the cars parked here. I got behind the last person in line and leaned back.

“Hi, I’m Morgan.” 

“I’m Cassandra.” 

“You look sleepy.” 

“Worked third shift to have the day off.” 

“I worked overtime like every day this week.” 

Morgan and I talked for about an hour before she got distracted and it worked because my parents called to wish me happy birthday. They were glad I was here. Morgan was now occupied with other people and I was honestly fine with that. There were a few times they had us separate because of the doors, bringing in equipment. I was sure I saw a drum box. It was about 1:15 when a girl with bright blonde hair, clearly a dyed and brown eyes came walking around the building. She was carrying a baby in her arms that was screaming bloody murder. She was on her phone and talking to someone but looked frustrated. I presumed she was wanting someone to come get the baby. I would never bring a baby to wait this long in line. She walked by and I couldn’t tell but the kid looked super young, maybe not even three months old.

“I wouldn’t bring a baby here.” Morgan said.

The others around her agreed but the girl walked back by, she was trying to get him or her to calm down. I had that experience with the daycare, walking the newborns endlessly because they would cry or had colic badly. She walked back and forth three times before I stopped her.

“Hi, I’m Cassandra. Do you mind? I worked at a daycare and not gonna brag I was pretty good at getting them to stop crying.” 

She seemed so eager to hand this baby over, I nearly didn’t reach for baby in time! 

“If you can get him to stop I will love you forever!”

I tightened the blanket a bit around him, it wasn’t really cool but he was dressed warmly, yet his hands were slightly cold to me. When holding him in my arms didn’t seem to work I moved him onto my shoulder, and that took just a few minutes before he got quiet. 

“He’s been crying like that for two hours. I’ve been dying to go to the bathroom, you don’t mind just staying right here do you? I mean I have to go up to the Mexicali place.”

“I can go with you, Morgan would you keep my place?” 

“Sure.” 

She nodded and I walked with her up to Mexicali’s, I was dying to go also so she took him back for me. He must not have liked her because he started crying a few minutes later. After my hands were washed I told her I would wait out front with him. I stepped out with him and waited out front, but time just ticked by. She should have been out in a few minutes but at least 15 passed before I went back inside. But the bathroom was empty, thinking maybe she misunderstood I went back to the venue. She’s said on our walk down her name was Samantha, but Morgan hadn’t seen her.

“Maybe she got a little lost?” 

“Maybe…” 

Until she returned I was stuck with this baby. He was dressed adorably in a grey onesie with super adorable across the front, a blue and white striped jacket and blue pants with little grey feet that had a smiling animal face. I had no real idea how much time passed but Morgan looked at me.

“Honey you’ve had him for over an hour. Do you know her?” 

“No. I’m worried about him. I think he might be getting really close to feeding time, he’s asleep but he is moving some and he definitely needs a diaper, I can smell that one.” 

She turned to someone and they nodded and she got up. “Let’s go find someone, maybe she got sick or something.” 

I followed Morgan to the front of the line but no guards, even knocking didn’t bring anyone. No one in line knew her by my description but as we came around the edge of the building one lady stopped us.

“You looking for the woman that had him before?” 

“Yes.” I said.

“Honey she left over an hour ago. We saw her walking down with you figured the kid was yours and she was a friend. She came back without the baby, got into a car and left.” 

She left?! Fuck, I did not want to deal with fucking police today! 

“There has to be someone here.” Morgan said.

“I’m on the street team, try the rear door. Usually there is a guard that will answer and maybe they know what to do. Otherwise, I’d call the police.” 

We tried the door where we were standing but no answer. Morgan kind of gave up but I walked around, the line was going straight back and curving around the parking lot, most using cars and trucks for seats so I found the other door on the other side. The baby was getting fidgety, he was going to wake up soon and my bet was the diaper or food would be the reason. I knocked on a set of double doors, nothing. I knocked on the other door, nothing. 

Fuck! I was about to return and call the police when I saw a girl coming toward me with a big dude. I think she was Taylor’s wife, but I wasn’t sure. Either way, the big guy had to be security, so I approached him.

“Excuse me.” 

“Yes?” 

“I have a weird problem here. A girl named Samantha handed me this baby over an hour ago and she left. A fan at the front saw her leave. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have a bottle or diaper bag or anything.” 

The girl stopped walking, the security guard looked stumped.

“What did she look like?” She asked.

“Blonde hair, brown eyes. She was wearing black shorts and a purple shirt.” 

She walked over to me and moved the blanket from his face. “Fuck.. I know where to take him.”

I stepped back. “I don’t know you.” 

“You didn’t know her either.” 

“What is he wearing?” 

“Clothes.” 

She couldn’t tell me what the baby had on and I shook my head. “No.” 

“I don’t know who you are little girl but you’re holding Zac’s son and you really don’t want me to get him out here.” 

The guy got her arm. “Harper, calm down. Are you positive that he is his son?” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay, ma’am come with us.” 

I really didn’t want to, but Zac’s son? I glanced down at him and he really did look like him so I followed the girl and the guy. He stated his name was Henry. I followed them into the building and down the hallway, Harper seemed to scream for Zac. Henry stopped me in the first major room, followed her. 

My nerves were approaching being shot, the baby was waking up already. I could feel myself shaking too. None of that stopped when Henry returned with Zac following him. I recognized Zac for sure, I’d been listening to and catching up slowly using my phone’s internet. So, I knew what he looked like.

He paused and looked at me. “You aren’t Samantha. Why do you have my son?” 

“How do I even know he’s yours?” 

Where had those words come fr0m?! He blinked. “Well, the blanket is his. You refused to let my brother’s wife take him because she didn’t know what he had on. He’s got a grey onesie with super adorable written on it. Blue and white striped jacket if she left it on him, bluish grey pants with little smiley faces on his feet. He had a blue cap on as well and white scratch mittens. Now, you want to tell me why you have him?” 

“She was walking outside with him, he was crying badly. She walked up and down the side of the building. I volunteered to see if I could get him to stop. I use to work for a daycare center. He got quiet, she asked if she could go to the bathroom. I assumed she was a fan. We went down to Mexicali’s and I came out first, she never came back. An hour later Morgan and I walked to the front and some fan on a street team stopped us, said the girl left. If he’s yours he needs a diaper badly and I am certain it’s feeding time.” 

“How do you know it’s feeding time?” 

“He’s rooting against me. Babies do that when they’re hungry. How old is he?” 

“Three weeks.” 

Considering he had described the clothes I let him take him from me. 

“Thank you for watching him even though it wasn’t your job. Is there anything I can do to thank you?” 

“No. But, he does need his hat and mittens back.” 

He smiled and returned to the back somewhere and Henry let me back out. I had a quiet freak out moment before I returned to the line. Zac Hanson’s son was in my arms! I had held him and rocked him and hadn’t even known! But, I was glad that I was the one to get him and not some crazy woman. When asked, I told Morgan that the security guard took him because he was someone he knew. I didn’t want to advertise that it was his son. 

I sat down after that and tried to just wait for the show. Morgan talked to me a bit but I was perfectly fine to sit here. It was going for three forty and I was getting rather bored. I couldn’t drain my battery and my camera was ready. Some of the ones around me had gone to get dinner and while I considered I didn’t want anything really. I was quite bored when I heard the raised voices, I couldn’t quite make them out at first but a door opened and I could hear screaming.

“I don’t have anyone Taylor!” 

“Then fucking find someone! We tried to fucking tell you before but you insisted that you had to have him.”

“What the fuck do you expect Tay? He’s my son.” 

I could hear the baby crying too, and heard Isaac say something I didn’t catch. Then Zac retorted with a fuck you. I was wondering if the way they were at each other’s throats was normal…The door shut and all I could hear was muffled screaming. I sat down and wondered what the hell was going on. It was about five after four when I saw a woman walking down the line from the front, heavy set lady in all black. She looked quite authoritative. She got to me and stopped.

“You.” 

I looked up. “What about me?” 

“You brought a baby to the guard earlier, correct?” 

“Yes, a little boy.” 

“Please get your things and come with me.” 

“Uh…why?” 

She looked around. “There is a detective here that wants to talk to you. But, we didn’t have your name or contact information.” 

“Who are you?” 

“Rebecca Winston, manager.” 

I got up and got my bag, followed her. I really wanted to avoid detectives, police, and other forms of legal authority. But if they were here to ask questions then I really had no choice but to follow and talk with them. I followed her past the line and even into the front of the building where she stopped, there was no detective or police officer standing in this room.

“I’m sorry but I did not want everyone around you to know the true reason I asked you to follow me. Zac would like to speak to you and obviously I couldn’t say that out there and obviously he can’t come out there either.” 

“You mean…Zac Hanson?” 

“Yes.”

I was so confused, why the hell would he want to talk to me? What reason did he have? He didn’t even know my name! 

“Why does he want to speak to me?” 

“I do not know. He came to me and asked me to find this girl, wrote down what you had on. You’re the only one in overalls and he said you had his son earlier?” 

“I did, yes. Apparently his sitter just left. But, I don’t understand.” 

She smiled. “You look terrified. I can understand. Would you like for me to call him, have him come to you?” 

“I just…this is not normal.” 

“I completely agree.”

I guess she really thought I was terrified because she provided me her pass, indicating she was working here and was a real employee. I should really go back to my seat but I couldn’t, she provided me with proof and I followed her. She lead me through the building, up onto the stage and across it to a door that lead up a few steps to a room. 

I could hear the baby crying as we entered the steps area, she indicated to him that she found me and let me into the room. She didn’t stay though and that made me nervous. I really didn’t think she would lead me right to him, but he was sitting in a chair holding the baby, bouncing and rocking. He looked upset and very tired. But, I couldn’t stand to hear a baby cry that way, breathless and just screaming.

“Would you mind?” 

“If you can get him to stop screaming, by all means. He’s been at it for over an over.” 

He got up and handed him to me, he had listened and had a hat on him and the scratch mittens as well, good because he kept trying to claw at his face. Which was super red and he was definitely just screaming at this point.

“How long has he been doing this? Randomly screaming?” 

“Started this week actually, usually it’s really early in the morning and it lasts for three hours or so.” 

“Will the lights dim in here?” 

“Yes.” 

He dimmed them from the switch and I tried the laying position, just in case I checked to make sure his abdomen area wasn’t hard, sometimes gas would make them scream. But, his wasn’t. When the crying didn’t calm down I moved him to my shoulder. Zac was quick to put a blanket over my shoulder.

“He has spit up in that position.” 

“Thank you.” 

The shoulder seemed to work really, he began to calm down and eventually he was quiet, laying against me just laying there.

“I tried that and it didn’t work.” He said.

“You said three weeks?” 

“Yes.” He said.

“Colic, there is no explanation. It kicks in about three weeks and can last for months.” 

He sat down and he looked very stressed and worried. I couldn’t imagine that the only reason I was sitting here was because he couldn’t get him to stop. He finally looked at me.

“I know this is very weird and abnormal, I know that you paid for a ticket and I know you want to see the show.” 

I nodded, all of those were true.

“But, there won’t be a show if I can’t find someone to watch him while I am on stage and before for the sound check.” 

“What about Taylor’s wife? She tried to take him from me earlier, but she didn’t know what he had on.” 

“She’s gone home for the night and even if she was here, she wouldn’t watch him.”

“Rebecca?” 

“Not her job and she’ll be handling the merchandise table out front most of the night. No one will watch him and my aunt whom sent Samantha out here doesn’t have anyone else, she’s called several. I really feel like shit for asking, but would you be willing to watch him from now until we’re done? Name your price. I’ll make sure your ticket is refunded at least.” 

I was glad that my grip on this baby was good because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I just sat here stunned. Zac Hanson was asking me to watch his son.

“I know this is strange and abnormal but honestly, you really are my last hope here. We have sound check at five and if I can’t find someone to watch him by then there won’t be a show tonight. I know he can’t be on stage with me and no one else will come help me. I would rather you not be in the crowd but if he’s asleep you can come sit by the stage if you want, I have noise canceling headphones for him so you can use them too and a carrier. I will include dinner for you from wherever you want.”

I should really tell him no, how could I enjoy a show when I’d be confined back here? But, then again stage side? But, I wouldn’t be able to get pictures of anyone but really him and Taylor or Isaac, depending on which side of the stage I was on. But, if I was holding him I still couldn’t! 

He looked really desperate though and I knew he was when he got on his knees to beg me to watch him.

“Stop, you don’t have to do that. Where would I be sitting?” 

“Taylor’s side, right outside this door. His baby monitor is here or you can use the headphones. If you really want to go to the balcony then I can send a guard with you. I’m sure you understand why.” 

“I do. You don’t even know my name so I can understand you wanting to have someone with me to make sure I don’t leave. I have no plans to leave with him.”

“You know my name I’m sure, his name is Joshua Alexander.” 

“I’m Cassandra. That’s a pretty name.”

“Rebecca ordered catering from a BBQ place, is that fine? If not I can have her get whatever you want.” 

“BBQ is fine.”

“It arrives after our sound check and I’ll come here to get him so you can get your plate.” 

“Get yours then come here, he should be asleep. He’s still awake.” 

“His normal feeding is at six, but with the crying spells it’s gotten off track.”

“Three hours or two?” 

“Two to three, on general it’s three. Sometimes after the spells he does two.” 

“I assume you have his formula, diapers, wipes, stuff like that?” 

“I do. There actually in a different room, just down the hallway. I have his pack n Play there also.” 

I followed him and we met Taylor and Isaac on the way, I wasn’t sure if either of them really liked me. Ike gave me a stank eye and Taylor seemed to ignore that I was even here. It was almost five so he gave me a run down quickly.

“You can sit in the audience if you wish, his headphones are right there or by the stage. If you leave the stage take a guard.” 

“I won’t go any farther than the stage. He’s rooting a bit so if he is finished in time.” 

I was rather shocked he had a proper bottle warmer, nice bottles, they were clean too. I laid him down long enough to change the diaper which was super stinky and then wash my hands and fix the bottle. I then sat down to let him eat. 

I got to really look at him, he was small but that was normal. Chubby cheeks and brown eyes, his hair was a little long and blonde, but not bright it was kind of dark blonde. I was kind of curious as to why no one would watch him. Zac had parents and a sister that is old enough. But none of them were here. When he finished the bottle I sat him up and burped him good. I could vaguely hear them playing, so I found the headphones in his diaper bag and got him set, adjusted the carrier, which I had to drop the overall top, glad I wore a belt. I then got him settled, he seemed to just curled up in between my breast and he was out once he was comfortable. I didn’t go far onto the stage, kept an eye for him first because if he couldn’t really sleep then the headphones weren’t good enough. But, Joshua slept. I watched from the side. 

After the sound check was dinner and after that it was them getting ready, I just waited in the other room. I did lay him down and while the show began at 8, I waited until 8:30 before going to the side with him, he’d eaten again and had been changed. So, he was content. I didn’t get a lot of band photos, but got some good ones of Taylor and Zac. I stayed after the show so they could break down. I just sat in the room, he ate again and I went ahead and changed him into the sleeper he had, so when he got home he wouldn’t have to. It was 11:45 when he came in with a bag and an envelope.

“You never told me how much you wanted, so I used the same rate my aunt was using fourteen an hour and because you never got to go to the front I brought you items we had. I got a large is that fine?” 

“Large is fine.” 

“There’s not a car in the parking lot, where are you parked?” 

“I’m a few blocks away actually. I’ll be fine.” 

“No. I’ll send someone with you. It’s dark and you shouldn’t be alone.” 

Joshua was asleep in his pack and play and I let him know when he last ate and that he was bed ready basically. I wrote my name and number down on a sheet of paper.

“I usually do first shifts but in case you ever get into deep shit again and need someone.” 

He took the paper but I didn’t think he’d be calling. He stuck to his word and a guard walked me to my car and didn’t leave until I was inside and on my way. I didn’t look at the bag until I was at the hotel, he’d included one of every shirt style, plus the smaller items. It was more than I expected. I hung up the shirts and put things away and then crashed. I was so glad I was off tomorrow, so I could catch up on sleep.

 

 

Joshua's Outfit


	4. You What?

POV: Cassandra

 

July 2, 2006

It had been super late when I got to the hotel and my phone woke me up around 8:45. I groaned and rolled over. Looked at the name, which was Saphira. I hit ignore but she called right back, so I answered the phone.

“It’s too early.” 

“I want to know what happened! Come on, lunch?” 

“Sure. Where?” 

“Let’s do greasy and tacos, Taco Bueno. Our usual location. Bring your camera.” 

She had then hung up, I laid back down but she called back at 10:45 to make sure I was awake, I hadn’t been. But, I got up and showered and changed. I chose one of the shirts he’d provided and black jeans, I hadn’t minded the shorts but I just felt weird with them still. I met her there at noon and she ordered for us both, then we sat down in the corner.

“That’s a cool shirt.” 

“One of a few.” 

“Good, did you have fun?” 

I hesitated a bit. “I did in a sense that I got to see the show. The line was incredibly long and just waiting was tiring.” 

“They’re doing a special the fourth on them, did you see any news crews?” 

“No.” 

Thankfully!!!! I didn’t need to be on TV right now. I hadn’t been interviewed or anything, so that was always a plus.

“Not sure if they were even there.” 

We dove into the tacos, I was starving anyway. She watched intently and smiled. 

“Hungry?” 

“I had dinner at like six.” 

She giggled, once we had finished eating she demanded my camera but I could see as she scrolled through the shots that her mind was wondering why they were all from the side and not from the front at all.

“Um, Cassie why are these from the side?” 

“Well, apparently Zac really does have a son. Three weeks old.” 

“Yeah, I told you about that.” 

“Well, I don’t have any photos of him but I can tell you he’s cute as hell, looks exactly like his father, and his father is up shit’s creek.” 

“Why?” 

“He had a sitter, she left the baby with me.” 

Her eyebrow rose confused. “His babysitter left his son with you?” 

“Yes. Apparently he has colic and cries a lot, so she handed him to me. The bitch left him with me without telling me who he was, where to take him, nothing.” 

She asked for me to explain how and I did, including how I got him back to Zac without much trouble.

“Damn, he was nice about it though?” 

“Yeah. Well, couple hours later I heard them arguing because he had no sitter, didn’t think anything about it. Their manager came and got me, said the police needed to speak to me but really it was Zac. He asked me to watch him. I should have said no but really, stage side seats.”

“No fucking way.” 

I nodded. “Yes way. So, that’s why the pictures are from the side. I stayed until after eleven and a guard walked me to the car. It was surreal moment and I thought I’d be nervous around him, but I wasn’t.” 

“Wasn’t he your favorite or something?” 

“I really didn’t have a favorite, I was more a fan of the music itself. Which the concert was phenomenal.” 

She smiled. “It explains the pictures.”

“Yeah, I mean it was me or no show and as much as I felt like I should have walked away. I couldn’t, because of that.”

“You did the right thing. So, you really don’t talk much about you.” 

“I’ve told you, there isn’t much to discuss. I’m boring Saphira.” 

“What about other friends? I know you hang out with me, is there anyone else?” 

I shook my head no, wishing this conversation had stayed on my watching Joshua or maybe explored how I felt when I held him. 

“No other friends? Come on Cass.” 

“I had friends when I lived in the city, couple of close ones. We just drifted apart when I moved.” 

“Why did you move?” 

“I moved because of a relationship, that I don’t want to talk about.” 

“Fair enough, did you try to find them? I assume this relationship has ended considering you aren’t like jumping the gun.” 

“Yeah and I haven’t, they um were pretty clear they didn’t want to talk anymore.” 

They had been even though everything they thought was true, wasn’t. But, there was no point in going back to that area. Soon as I could I’d go to Florida. It wasn’t ideal but I wasn’t entirely sure, at this moment I didn’t see myself ever making enough to really start over.

“You’re parents live in Florida?” 

“They moved in 2004, they always loved Florida, it was our vacation spot for a while. They sold their city house and moved to the sunshine state. They don’t like the hurricanes but Daddy loves the sunshine and less chances of tornadoes.” 

She smiled. “I always wanted to go to California.” 

“I’ve been there a few times. Vacations when I was early teens. It’s not bad. I didn’t like the Hollywood glam theme though.” 

“I suspect not, your sense of glam is clear nail polish.” 

“I don’t wear nail polish, not even clear.” 

“Seriously?”

She grabbed my hand and inspected my nails, clearly impressed that they were both clean and manicured, shiny.

“Where did you go?” 

“I do them myself. My mom worked as a part time nail salon lady when she wasn’t teaching. She taught me how to do them in middle school.” 

“You gotta teach me. How do you fill them in?” 

“Saphira, they are my real nails. They aren’t fake.”

“You bitch, these are awesome. I wish I could do that but I tend to break my own.” 

I smiled at her knowing the bitch comment wasn’t really meant to be offending. Her tone of voice was nice and light when she said it.

“So, what did Dad do?” 

“Accountant, he was awesome with numbers.” 

“What about you? Is cashier your dream job?” 

“I use to babysit but while I enjoy that I like taking pictures more, always had a fondness for them.” 

“These are really good, despite the location. You got really good ones of Taylor and that’s rare I’ve heard. Zac’s are clear and even the ones of Isaac are clear.” 

“I started to ask for one of us but I felt weird. I got the feeling that Ike and Tay didn’t much like me.” 

“They were probably stressed.” 

“Probably. So…I kind of left my name and number.” 

“WHY?” 

“Well, it was intended in the event he can’t find a sitter or something, I mean I don’t mind. But, I doubt he’ll ever call me. There are plenty of daycares in Tulsa.” 

“True that. My cousin uses Parker’s over near Utica Square.” 

“Oh?” 

“He’s three, they’ve been there a few months. They kind of like it, because he’s in a good environment. It’s expensive though.” 

“I’ve seen the place a few times, but I don’t go there much.” 

“Have you been to Woodward Park?” 

“No.” 

I remembered being close to it but never really going there. 

“So, we have all day. What do you want to do? Lot of places in Tulsa to see.” 

Despite living here for years there really was a lot of the city I hadn’t seen for some reason or another. I hadn’t ever seen Hanson’s studio, or the Driller or anything most Tulsa natives know by heart.

“There is a lot of the city I haven’t seen, any ideas?” 

“Driller and since you love pictures, Rose Garden.” 

“I’ve heard about the Rose Garden, never been there.” 

“Perfect. We’ll do both. Driller takes like ten minutes.” 

We left the restaurant and I followed her, I was pretty familiar with the streets so I found the places without much trouble, but it did take me dangerously close to Utica Square. The Driller was fucking huge and she got several pictures of me for me, sitting on the boot or standing. I got my own pictures too. The Rose Garden was where we spent a long time, it was beside the park too, so we went through both. I know I took a thousand pictures of the roses and the park, several dozen of her. 

She mentioned Instagram but I didn’t have that or Twitter, no social media period. I couldn’t risk being found right now. Her uploading the pictures to whatever account she had didn’t bother me, because she couldn’t tag me or identify me by anything but a name. 

We sat down in the middle of the river rock area, hidden from everything. 

“I uh…have a question and I’m not sure if you’ll answer.” 

“I might.” 

She turned to me and her expression was serious, even the tone she used was serious.

“What are you running from? You don’t want social media accounts, you switch hotels frequently, you don’t use debit or credit cards, even though I’ve seen them. You don’t really want to do things like this. Are you just that much of a hermit or what?” 

I expected at some point she would ask but I just couldn’t tell her.

“I just like quiet and no drama. I had enough of that.” 

“I am almost positive that is a bullshit line from you, but I will let it go for now. But, if you are running from something, don’t be afraid to tell me.”

I nodded and we sat there quietly for another ten minutes, she didn’t mention the questions anymore. Talked about how she wanted to visit California again, Alaska and even Hawaii. We shared places we’d been which for me wasn’t many, Florida, California, and brief times in Texas. She’d been more north to Kansas and Missouri for family related events. It was nice to sit in the park and just enjoy the beauty.

We remained at the park for a while and then I headed back to the hotel, I needed to download my camera and figure out if any of them were too bad to keep. I sat down on the bed and considered things.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Saphira, it was that I was afraid she’d tell someone else and then they would eventually get back to him. I couldn’t tell Saphira that the person I was running from was suppose to be someone that protected me, but I couldn’t risk him knowing where I was. I was doing so good at hiding from him and not letting him know where I was. 

How he hadn’t found me yet was beyond me, I knew I was doing everything I could like registering under fake names, paying cash, and just being low key. I’d gotten a Post Office box for mail, I didn’t do direct deposit nor did I use the same bank. But, he had been very adamant he’d never let me just leave and the fact that I did had been huge for me.

Him aside, there was another nagging feeling, Joshua had felt so comfortable to me. Usually I was really good with babies, especially the younger ones, but they never felt right to me. He had felt right, like it was some fate that I was supposed to be there and I was supposed to be the person helping. But, reality was he wasn’t my son and Zac was never going to call. After all, who the hell would hire a fan?! 

I finally got my laptop and downloaded the camera, I didn’t check my e-mail accounts or anything because really, no one ever used them anyway. The only ones to really have them were ones that I didn’t or couldn’t speak to. But curiosity got the best and I did check one. Finding a dozen messages asking me where I was, what I thought I was doing, if I knew what was going to happen when he found me. I knew the answer to that one, it wouldn’t be pleasant. 

But, I deleted them all and then just focused on my pictures. Eliminating blurry ones, deleting those that were super close to each other, just general editing. It wasn’t always hard but the ones from the Rose Garden were! Thousands that were really close to each other and both seemed perfect. I ended up keeping most of them and a few of the really good ones of Saphira I e-mailed to her. I finally closed everything out and got ready for bed. I had ramen for dinner and the three hundred extra I put up, as a rainy day fund because I knew the car needed an oil change soon. Tomorrow started another week!


	5. Could Have Warned Me

POV: Zac

 

July 9, 2006; Sunday

Sundays were off days but my brothers weren’t going to be happy at all. Considering my aunt was charging so much and her sitter left my son with some random person and left, I decided to use a daycare center. I called early the third and ended up using Parker’s Daycare, less than a mile from me. He was only there three and a half days but on Friday when I picked him up I told them he wouldn’t be back. 

Why? Well, I’d taken care of him for three weeks on my own, he spent three days there and had a bad diaper rash, twice I had picked him up with not only a wet diaper but a poop one. I’d also had to bathe him every night because I could smell the sour milk on his clothes and around his neck. I knew there were times I had to use a baby wipe to clean him up after a feeding. Between the rash and the sour milk it was bad enough, but also the spit up on his clothes. I just couldn’t fathom him staying there another week. I had used some of the diaper cream I had at home and powder but it wasn’t clearing as good, Abigail recommended another brand. 

I needed to stock up on formula and diapers and get something here suitable for me to fix also. He’d thrown his normal screaming fit this morning as well so when he slept early I napped, I needed it. I then dressed him in a red long sleeve onesie with a pair of black pants and white socks. I took the carrier with me and we headed to the store. 

This wasn’t the first trip out, it was the third to the store. I kept him pretty much covered up when I was out because I didn’t want a ton of photos all over social media right now. Fans were shocked and obviously confused but I couldn’t really explain why I had him. I was more confident driving with him in the car and once there I got him situated in the carrier and made sure I had phone, keys, and my wallet. 

“You ready for shopping day?” 

His response? A yawn. “Yep Joshua, I feel the same way about shopping.” 

I went inside and got a buggy, kept a blanket over him and the movement seem to rock him to sleep. As stressful as it was, the longer I was around him, the more I knew my decision was right. I got the non-perishables first. I needed wipes, diapers, and lotion. I also needed toilet paper and shampoo and stuff. I got what I needed and then headed to the grocery department. I had been boiling water at home for his bottles, having several jars and bottles but I got a few bottles of the nursery water because it was better for the studio. I was trying to determine how many cans of formula I needed for the week at least. 

“Zac?” She asked.

I turned toward the voice and found Maddilyn standing there, but she wasn’t alone. There was a tall guy with her, dark black hair and blue eyes. He looked lean and muscular and I was sure he appraised me as I did him.

“Maddilyn, I didn’t think you’d be here.” 

She smiled some. “Came to get things for dinner. This is Neil.” 

“Hi, Neil.” 

She turned to him and said something and he nodded, walked down the aisle but didn’t leave the aisle. I didn’t need her to tell me who he was, the knife through my chest was doing that. The way he had been holding her hand was enough.

“I didn’t want you to find out this way. We’ve been dating a few weeks.” 

The knife just twisted in a little deeper, I’d always been sure we were done but really, we were very young, I was hoping eventually she would be able to forgive me. 

“It’s okay Maddilyn, I can’t be mad or upset that you moved on or are trying to. As long as he treats you well.” 

“So far he does.”

Her eyes seemed to focus everywhere but on the carrier. It was super fucking awkward to be in the middle of the store.

“You look good though, you look happy.” 

“You don’t look all that happy.” 

I shrugged. “Nothing I can do about that Maddi.”

“Why aren’t you happy?” 

“Not the place and really you shouldn’t be here with me when he’s with you.” 

Okay, that was low and I really just wanted to leave because I couldn’t see them together. Yet her eyes seem to finally settle on him.

“I’d like to see him if it’s okay.” 

I never would deny her the right to see him, so I moved the blanket and she had to get closer. Neil watched from the aisle and I could just feel the knife twisting, turning deep in my gut. She didn’t make any effort to touch him, just looked. 

“That picture didn’t do him justice, he looks just like you. I can’t even see her at all.” 

“Yeah, if only everyone thought taking him was a good idea.”

She smiled at me. “The fact that he is healthy, looks good, and is comfortable with you means that it was.”

I didn’t believe her anymore, because really she hasn’t been around everyone and she didn’t see how they acted. Neil came back up and he even commented on how much he looked like me. Clearly, Neil knew who I was. But he didn’t say anything about us. Instead they headed on to get whatever they wanted and I just stood there fighting back the tears.

Then I finally mustered up what remaining courage I had and finished my shopping, he would want food soon and I wanted to be back home before then. I cried on my way home and after he was inside safe in his swing I unloaded the car. 

It was a sobering moment to realize Maddilyn really was done with me. What hope I had was gone, she had moved on and that was it. Joshua ate not long after we got home and after that bottle I kept him up just a bit. Using some of the toys to entertain him. He did seem like he was trying to smile at me! It wasn’t until his next feeding that I put him in the swing and it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. 

I fixed myself something to eat and when the doorbell rang I was confused even more when I found Taylor and Isaac at the door. 

“This isn’t a social call is it.” 

“No. We need to discuss this schedule.” 

I let them in but neither bothered to acknowledge the little person swinging away. 

“What is there to discuss? It doesn’t matter right now anyway.” 

“This morning to six is stupid.” 

I pulled a chair from the dining room and sat down. “I’ve got to find another day care, so unless it’s writing or you guys laying vocals down. I’m pretty much worthless.” 

“You have a daycare.” Ike said.

“I pulled him out Friday. They weren’t changing him enough and thanks to that he has a diaper rash. They weren’t cleaning him up after feedings either, because his neck is a little red. It means they’re not watching him and I’m not letting him suffer while I pay them out the ass to watch him.” 

“But you can’t record or do basically anything.” Isaac said.

“Well, you know if I had someone in my circle of trusted people that would get over shit and help me, then I wouldn’t have to worry about that. But, everyone in the family is blaming me and because of that they’re not helping period. So, don’t even start that shit with me right now.”

“It is your fault.” He stated.

“No. Isaac, is it not entirely my fault. I may not have gotten up and walked away, but god damnit she didn’t stop either. She’s the one that initiated it. You aren’t coming into my home and pulling that Megan is god bullshit. She walked away from her son before he was even born. So, don’t keep pulling that shit.” 

Both of them blinked, but I was very tired of them blaming me for everything when it wasn’t entirely my fault. Megan was just as much to blame for it as I was.

“We’re a band Zachary, we make decisions together. You made that one without even bothering to talk to either of us. You are fucking up our schedule and time to record this follow up and get it out.” 

“Taylor and Harper aren’t going to ask you and I when they have kids. I didn’t go out with the intent of having him. I’m sorry if that fucked up your schedule Isaac, but you get to sleep eight hours a night, you get to wake up and do whatever the fuck you want every day. I don’t. I’m sorry, but right now he’s more important than an album. You want me to be there 18 hours a day then you find someone that is willing to watch him for that long and not want me to pay them thirty an hour.” 

“Have you called all of them?” Taylor asked.

“No. And neither of you gave me time to even explain shit before you jumped down my throat. My plan was to call tomorrow and hopefully by tomorrow night I will have someone. If not tomorrow then Tuesday. I don’t know, it’s not like I can just stick him anywhere.” 

Isaac started to make some snide comment and Taylor actually hit him in the arm.

“Chill Isaac. I’m not happy either but really, chill.” 

“Speaking of that, why the hell did you leave him with the fan? You didn’t seem picky then.” 

“I didn’t have a choice Isaac. Harper refused, Mom and Dad refused, Jessica refused and Avery wasn’t allowed to. It was either ask her or beg rather, I was prepared to beg or cancel the whole show.”

He just shook his head but really, I didn’t care at this moment. She had saved our collective asses. 

“So, what can we do?” Taylor asked.

“Write as long as we don’t use the drums, I mean I can use the baby monitor while he’s asleep or sit him in the control room. But, I just can’t ignore him. You two can lay down vocals, do tracking, or record the piano and guitar parts. I really hope by Tuesday I’ll have found something or someone.” 

Neither seemed to be happy, Isaac seemed pissed but he had to get over this bullshit, it was over nine months since it happened and over seven since he was told. If it was enough for Maddilyn to move on then it was enough for him.

“Have you spoken to Maddilyn?” Ike asked.

“I saw her earlier today, had to get formula and stuff. She’s dating someone. But, I suspect that you both knew that already.” 

“Harper told me last week, her and Maddi still hang out.” 

“Warning would have been nice, but at least she’s happy and that’s all that matters.”

Even if the chances of me ever being happy were slim to none, it just wasn’t in the cards for me apparently. Maddilyn was my one chance and I’d blown it to hell. 

“Sorry.” Taylor said.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have asked her, I knew I’d fuck up after that. But, the plan is to call tomorrow and see what the available hours are but the morning to five or six is about all I can do, most daycare centers aren’t open past six and the ones that extend down to midnight are a fortune. Added, I’d never see him.”

They didn’t seem to be any happier about that news than they had anything else but there was nothing I could do to change it. Neither stayed much longer and that left me to entertain him and deal with bad diapers and formula. Sometimes I wondered what was in that formula that caused such explosive diapers. As he needed a bath after the last one. Once he was down for the night I showered myself and went on to bed, knowing his screaming fits were subjective and could be any day.


	6. No Options

POV: Zac / Cassie

 

July 12, 2006

I thought finding a daycare center wouldn’t be that hard. I had, after all, found Parker’s quickly. But I was finding that child care was not cheap nor was it that simple. My first task to compile a list of every daycare center in the area and even some out of the area. Having a huge list, I was happy for the potential but 75% of those were crossed off until he was over six weeks. Which, that wasn’t far off but until he reached that point they wouldn’t even accept him. The remaining 25% were fine with taking him at just over a month, but they were going to charge me extra until he was six weeks and when it came to times, they wouldn’t keep him past six pm.

Added, he was still having three hour or longer screaming fits. Which, I didn’t keep from the people I talked to. What few might would have said yes, said no when I told them that. Seriously? He could not be the only baby that screams like that?!

I did find a few daycare centers that would take him, screaming and all, and the hours they would keep him were very flexible, after 8 pm was an increased cost but I’d never see him. He would basically spend more time with them than he would me. Mind you, I didn’t mention those to Ike or Taylor. 

Not that it mattered, I came in with him and neither were pleased, not even this morning Isaac only huffed by the door and Taylor gave his exasperated look and went to his own office. I made more calls but the bottom line was coming down to requiring me to call my aunt and that just means more trouble because what if the next one walks away? 

The potential problems from that were huge because if the police had been called, I’d probably be dealing with Family Children Services and potentially losing him. Yet, day by day I wondered if everyone else was right. If adoption had been the right choice.

“What’s the deal Zac?” Taylor asked.

“I’ve called everyone Taylor. They either won’t take him until he’s six weeks, won’t take him past six, won’t because he has colic, or there so fucking high it’s not even worth it.” 

“Daycare is expensive, you gotta get over that.” 

“There is expensive and there is expensive because my last name is Hanson. I tested that theory Taylor, they jacked my amount up but when I said I was some joe shmo it was like three hundred less. I’m not paying them extra just because of my last name.” 

“You have to do something Zac. What about calling our aunt?” 

“So another sitter can walk out on me? Sure Tay, I want to deal with Family Services because she leaves my kid with someone else. I may not get lucky next time, that person may not bring him back.” 

“Be fucking realistic Zac, it was one occurrence.” 

“Once is too much Taylor and I don’t expect you to understand that until it’s your son she is just handing to a fan.”

“It’s not going to matter, the producer just left. Said to call him when we got our shit together. By we, he means you. We can’t finish an album without you and you can’t with him.”

Always the same argument with them, he walked away and I looked at Joshua laying in his pack n play asleep. It was beginning to feel like their next move was making me choose between him and the band. They didn’t even believe he was mine, despite the fact that everyone said he looked like me. I called a few more places and I was down to one. I called them and silently prayed but it did no good. They said no because of his age. 

“Call our Aunt.” Isaac said.

He had just passed the door heading to who knows where. Having no choice I did but she even said no! Because I complained about Samantha, how was I wrong about her? She walked out of her own job mid-day, leaving my son with a random fan that no one knew. He woke up about one and I got him, went and fixed a bottle for him and sat in the office reading some boring e-mails while he ate. But I felt the explosion against my hand.

“Thanks Joshua, Daddy appreciated that.” 

I think he may have smiled at me! But I let him finish eating before I laid him down to change him. When I went to get a clean diaper I pulled out a sheet of paper with it, it was a sticky note stuck to the diaper. On the piece of paper was a name and a number, the name said Cassandra. I put it on my desk and changed him, including treating the rash, which was very light now. His neck had cleared up quickly. I fixed his suit and sat down with him for a bit, but the name sounded familiar and it was during his next feeding that it hit me.

Cassandra was the girl who watched him during the show! She had said if I needed someone to call, but I wasn’t sure she meant as a permanent type thing. Once he was in the swing and drifting off I got my phone and her number, I didn’t have much to lose really. I called and was sent to voicemail. 

“Hi, this is Zac Hanson, you watched my son the first of July. If you can please call me back, I’ll be available all afternoon.” 

I included a phone number just in case but most cell phones had caller ID. I then made business calls and replied to e-mails, least I was catching up on these types of things for once in like four years.

**-Cassandra-**

I didn’t get off until four, I didn’t even expect a message but I’d checked the time about 3:30 and noticed someone had called. Once I had my drawer counted down and I had clocked out I went to the bathroom first and then out to the car. I didn’t know the number, but it was a local one. Unsure of who it was I listened to the voicemail first.

I had to listen to the voicemail another three times before I really comprehended that Zac Hanson called me and left a voicemail. He hadn’t said why he called, but I could guess it was something to do with the baby. I dialed the number and listened to the ring twice before he answered.

“I wasn’t sure you would call back.” 

“Never expected you to ever call me to begin with. But I was at work when you called, I’m off now.” 

“I didn’t know you had a job.” 

“Yeah, cashier first shift. I always stay late when I can. I actually told you in July.” 

“Honestly, I probably forgot. Is it possible for us to meet somewhere? Maybe Mexicali’s or Caz’s? I’d rather speak to you in person.” 

“I can do either one, I do need to change first though. I kind of smell like beer. A case busted all over me today.” 

“That’s fine, uh text me when you head this way and I’ll meet you there.” 

“Okay.” I replied.

I hung up and went to the hotel of the week, where I showered and changed clothes. I really did smell like beer. I texted him when I left and headed to Mexicali’s, I liked Caz’s but I hadn’t had Mexican in forever. I got there after him, he must have been very close. 

I noticed immediately that he had Joshua with him in a carrier but no stroller or car seat nearby. 

“Hey, you must have flown here.” 

He smiled. “No, the studio is like half a block up. I just walked down. We’ve been inside all day. Do you want to sit inside or outside?” 

“Outside is fine, I’ve been inside all day too.” 

He went in to let them know we were here and I found a table away from the door, but not one near the street and I sat with my back to the street. He sat down and it wasn’t long before the waiter came and got drink orders and he ordered just chips and salsa.

“Is he asleep?” 

“Yeah, he was awake when I left but before I left he got changed and fed and now he’s out.” 

“Why not use a stroller?” 

“I got one but he’s too little for it. I guess if I plan to do these kinds of trips I need to get another one.” 

“The ones that lay down are good to have, especially the first six months.” 

“I need to get one.”

The drinks, salsa, and chips came and the waiter got our orders. For a few minutes we ate chips n salsa. Their salsa was usually really good, not too excessive heat wise and today was fine. 

“So, you called. I assumed it was something to do with him?” 

“Uh yeah, I put him in a daycare center, Parker’s, it’s close to my home. But, I pulled him out on Friday.” 

“Why?” 

“He was there less than a week and twice I picked him up with dirty clothes, dirty diaper, there was dried milk around his neck. Basically, they weren’t caring for him the way they should.”

“But they are the only ones that will take him, right?” 

“How did you…” 

“Most daycare centers won’t take babies less than six weeks. Parker’s doesn’t care. They never have really.” 

“The few that would were high.” 

“So, you called them and then you called me?” 

“You did really good with him at the show, even though you knew nothing about me or him. You did bring him to security or someone safe, you didn’t just take him.” 

“He’s not mine, why would I just take him? I know some women would but, not me. Are you trying to ask if I would watch him?” 

“Yeah. My brothers are pissed that I can’t really do anything for the new album. I just…I don’t have anyone that will watch him for me and our hours are so crazy that it’s hard to find someone. My aunt is mad that I complained about Samantha, she’s the one that left him with you.” 

“I would have complained too. Well, I work first shift at the store, five days a week. The off days change. I usually do overtime daily, so six to four is normal. But, she won’t mind if I leave at two. When would you need a sitter?” 

“My brothers and I do our best recording in the afternoons, between two and midnight usually. I mean, how late could you stay?” 

“That kind of depends on whether you want me to stay awake the whole time or whether I sleep when he does. I mean, midnight is four hours a day and after a few days I probably won’t do much good.” 

“I wouldn’t require you to stay awake, I mean if he’s asleep you can do basically whatever you want. The studio isn’t really conducive for sleeping but I mean there is a sofa there and a few areas have them.” 

“Studio?” I asked.

I hadn’t anticipated the studio being where he wanted me to be.

“Yes. I go in about ten or eleven every day. I’d have to watch him until you were there.”

“So, you need someone basically from 2 until midnight?”

“Well, obviously it’ll be more 2:30 or 3. Depending on how far away you are. But basically, we can sometimes go later but again, I don’t care if you sleep when he does.”

The entrees came and I took that moment to think about it, being his babysitter was way more open than I needed. But, he wasn’t saying I could leave the studio and being here was the one place he would never look. When we finished dinner I leaned forward.

“What are you paying for this?” 

“I have no idea really. I’ve never had to do this.” 

He was being very honest and the problem was most people would take advantage of that.

“What exactly would I be doing usually? Is it just taking care of him? Feedings, diapers, clothes, maybe a bath if required?”

“Pretty much. I’ll bring whatever he needs, formula diapers clothes. I’ll have all of that for you. In a normal sense you shouldn’t need to do anything else.” 

“Any time frame?” 

“We generally take Sunday off. So, Monday through Saturday, when you feel the best start time is until midnight. Although, sometimes we do run over. But again, if you need to lay down when he goes to bed at nine, that’s fine.” 

I knew that the average in-home type nanny often commanded a range in the teens, but that often included much more. Yet, I couldn’t go so low that I’d be doing it for free basically, this would be pure overages and could really help me get out of here sooner.

“The average for this type of job is about 16 an hour, but I think that’s very unfair given what you want me to do. I won’t let you pay me more than nine an hour.”

“But if the average is more…” 

“Zac, you don’t want me to cook your dinner or clean your house or the studio. You only want me to watch him. How much trouble can he be?” 

“His screaming fits.” 

I shook my head. “That’s normal. I’d say it was abnormal or that more is needed if you had twins that both screamed for hours.”

“If I had twins I’d probably would have made different decisions.” 

“Maybe.”

He thought about it. “Nine, I won’t go any less than that. I’ll make sure that you have a couch or something comfortable in my office. I don’t want to sleep deprive you.”

“I can talk to the manager tomorrow, she doesn’t schedule me past two. I’ll let her know I accepted another job, she won’t mind. You said the studio was close?” 

“Half a block up.” 

“I can be at the studio by 2:30. Pending you have a bathroom where I can change shirts.” 

“We do. How do you want to be paid?”

“However you wish, but I don’t do direct deposit.” 

“Do you want me to do the taxes?” 

“I can. I know what I need to do to make sure I’m okay.” 

“Okay. Are you starting tomorrow?” 

I giggled. “Sure. I’ll text you if I can get off at two. Don’t put me down right yet she may have something planned and need me there. But, I don’t think she does. Worse case, I can be there by 4:30.” 

“Thank you.” 

“No problem.” 

We finished up dinner and he paid, I thanked him for dinner. He did show me where the studio was and even let me inside to see where I’d be. He really was prepared and organized.

“What are you doing for a few hours?” 

“Nothing, from here it’s home and bed.” 

“You said the other strollers are better? I really don’t want to confine you here all the time. Obviously I do need to know you a little better before that.” 

“I understand. I think you’re good. I mean I wouldn’t want to take him out right now, he’s a little young for that. Added, I’d like to know how he is normally before then. That way I know what times are best.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

“Is there anything that you may need?”

“Not really. I can bring my laptop with me. I’ll be good.” 

“We have a kitchen here, it’s not huge but it’s where his formula and stuff is. If you bring anything in, I would recommend labeling it. We don’t usually but again, you aren’t usually here.” 

“Where are your brothers?” 

“They went home for the day.”

We didn’t stay long at the studio, he wanted to get him home and I needed to also. He left his carrier at the studio and I saw why he didn’t bring his car seat carrier, he didn’t have one. His car seat was a larger one. He clearly took care of his son. I went to the hotel of the week and reflected on the proposal. I then prepared what I’d need to take with me. My laptop and a change of clothes. I laid down a bit earlier and was asleep soon after.


	7. First Day

POV: Cassandra

 

July 13, 2006

I was at the store on time and the first thing I did when Mrs. Peggy came in was talk with her. Zac would be paying me more per hour to watch Joshua and since my extra two hours were overtime she didn’t mind cutting me back to 40 a week. It would benefit Zac at least one way too because I could go in sooner. Saphira arrived at one thirty and she was confused when I pulled my drawer at ten until two.

“What are you doing?” 

“I’m leaving at two, I accepted another job. I’ll be there from 2:30ish until whenever.” 

“Why?” 

“I needed something and it’s there and perfect for both me and them.” 

“Where will you be? Maybe I can swing by.” 

“I’m sure you can’t, it’s a babysitting job. I’ll be watching a little baby and I’m sure that I can’t have visitors.”

She looked confused. “You’re babysitting?”

“Yeah. I told you I did daycare before this. It came up and it’s good pay and the hours aren’t bad either, it means long days but I was told I could sleep when the baby does, so that’s good.” 

She looked at me after ringing up a few customers and when I was done with the drawer. 

“Is it you know who?” 

“I can’t say Saphira.” 

She just smiled. “It is him? You said you left your number.” 

“I can’t say, but I didn’t say your guess was wrong. But, that does mean you can’t tell anyone else.” 

She just smiled at me. “He chose well, I guess if you can text or call me later? I get off at nine.” 

“If I’m not asleep I will, I’m use to going to bed at nine.” 

“I know, but if you are awake just let me know how things are going. Don’t say anything you can’t though.” 

I smiled, finished the paperwork and clocked out. I went ahead and changed my shirts in the bathroom here because I wasn’t sure if Zac had to go over anything with me or not. While I was sitting in the car I sent him a text saying I was about leave.

**_Ok – Park in the Alley behind my truck please._ **

_No problem – do I knock on the front or rear door?_

**_Front._ **

I left the store and headed to the studio, using my GPS to get me there. I parked behind his truck like he asked and then got my laptop case out. I walked around to the front of the building and rang the buzzer by the door. I expected Zac to answer, since he knew it should be me. But, it was Isaac that opened it.

“What are you doing here?” 

“I’m here to babysit Joshua, Zac is expecting me.” 

He appeared out of nowhere. “It’s okay Ike, she’s here to watch him. Hey Cassandra, come in.”

Again, the look I got from Isaac didn’t help the unsettling feeling any. He lead me down to the second office, it was larger. 

“I got a chair because a sofa is just too big for this space. But it lays completely down and I have a pillow and blanket right there.” 

“Thank you, I will probably appreciate it.” 

“Zac, can we talk to you a moment.” Ike snapped.

I looked at him, the clipped tone of voice said he was irritated about something. Zac also looked confused.

“One moment. Joshua ate at one, he got a clean diaper at 1:30. He’s usually asleep at this time. I normally do try to keep him up just a bit after the next feeding, it seems to help him sleep. He pulled a three hour screaming fit this morning so his normal feeding is nine, he’s off by an hour.” 

“Okay. Uh, go ahead and talk with them then you can show me where everything is. He’s asleep anyway.” 

He nodded and stepped out and while he did push the glass door to, it didn’t close all the way. I had the feeling that whatever Isaac wanted it concerned me.

“What is it Isaac?” 

“You have to be fucking kidding me? You have her watching him?” 

“Yes, I do.”

“What the fuck Zac? She’s a fan! You let her inside the studio!” Taylor said.

“What the hell do you two want from me? You bitch because I have him, you complain when the daycare center set our times to theirs, you bitched when I took him out, and now your bitching because I found someone that will watch him in the time frame that we need. I can’t do any better than that. If that’s not good enough then you both need to be very fucking specific on what you want. Adoption is not an option either.” 

“You could have called our aunt.” 

“I did. She said she wouldn’t send anyone because I complained about Samantha. Cassandra is the last option and you both better be grateful that she agreed given she already has a full time job. She didn’t have to take this.”

“She’s a fan!” Isaac said.

“I don’t care Isaac. She’s the most level headed fan I’ve ever met. Joshua was great with her on the first. Besides, neither of you are paying anyone to watch him. So, it’s not your call whom I hire.”

“When she leaks the album?” Taylor asked.

“Quit being stupid Taylor. Do you want me to have her sign a confidentiality paper? I’m sure she would.” 

Zac was right about that, I would sign it because I knew whatever they recorded wasn’t meant for me to share. That was exactly what they wanted so he told them to go and stepped inside the room.

“You don’t need to ask, just give me the paper.” 

“You heard?” 

“Door didn’t close, but that’s fine. I mean I can’t blame them for wanting that.” 

He got the paper and I did read it, pretty basic confidentiality paper. I couldn’t share or discuss anything they worked on or basically anything that I heard. I signed it and handed it to him. He filed it in a cabinet.

“While he’s asleep come with me and I’ll show you the kitchen and bathroom.” 

I followed him down and to the left, where a basic kitchen was. He had bottles of nursery water in there for Joshua’s bottles. The kitchen had a fridge and microwave and that was basically it. The bathroom was right before the kitchen, it was a full bathroom and he had a tub here for Joshua too. 

“We’ll be in here but you can text if it’s not an emergency. I may not instantly reply but I do check my phone often. Do not open the front door for anyone. If someone buzzes we are alerted so we can check. Obviously no inviting anyone over.” 

“Wasn’t planning to.”

He headed to meet them and I returned to the office. The office felt cramped the way he had it laid out, so I took a moment to rearrange just the items that I could, leaving his desk alone. It maximized the space and put me facing the door instead of with my back to the door. Joshua didn’t budge when I moved his pack n play, it was on wheels anyway. He was peacefully sleeping, I did uncover him just a bit because he had a cotton zip up suit on and it was rather warm in here. Once the room was rearranged, I settled into the chair with my laptop.

Joshua actually woke up about thirty minutes before his four o’clock feeding and he was dry and clean, just whiney, so I picked him up and held him. He quieted when I picked him up and for twenty minutes I just talked to him, whatever came to mind that wasn’t anything in my life. I then went to the kitchen to fix his bottle. I was shaking the bottle when a girl came in, blonde hair and looked so much like the guys that it was logical she was their sister. She paused the moment she saw me.

“Who are you and why are you here?” 

“Cassandra, and I am Joshua’s babysitter.” 

“I assume Zac hired you?” 

“Yesterday, yes. Are you their sister?” 

“Jessica, yes I am. Oldest of the two sisters.” 

“It’s nice to meet you.” 

I placed the bottle in the warmer expecting her to leave but she didn’t, she seemed to just stand there and stare at me.

“Is there a problem?”

“You just look young.” 

“I’m 22. But, I have experience with children of all ages.”

She snorted and left the room, what exactly had I said wrong?! I bounced him until the bottle warmer beeped and then I got it and went back to the office. The rest of the office was pretty mild in temperature, but his office was perfect. I sat down and he took the bottle.

I couldn’t explain why holding him felt right, why the way he looked at me felt right. It shouldn’t. He wasn’t my son. But, he seemed to like me and that was all that mattered. When he finished the bottle I got a good burp and then I laid him in my lap and just talked to him. He gave me tiny smiles but he was working on those big ones. Zac came in about 5:30

“Um, this is different, and you doing okay?” Zac asked.

“I maximized you’re space a bit, I can move it back if you hate it. We’re doing just fine. I met your sister.”

“Jessica? No, this is better. Makes more sense really and I can see him better from the desk.” he asked.

“Yeah. Do all of your family members hate me?” 

He looked confused. “They don’t know you and I imagine they think me hiring you is just another bad decision. But, they aren’t the ones with the son.”

Joshua had looked toward his voice so Zac got him for a few minutes, before they called him back.

“We’re getting dinner about six, do you want us to order anything?” 

“Not required.” 

“It is, you wouldn’t let me pay me you over nine. Rebecca is taking orders and I will have her come here too.” 

When he had to go back he laid him down, he had drifted back off anyway. I went back to editing photos that I had taken from both the show and the Rose Garden. Rebecca came in around six fifteen and I gave her a light order, I didn’t eat much generally. She came back and I had dinner alone in the office. Taylor and Isaac had been worried I’d record something? I couldn’t hear much but the occasional drum beat. 

As curious as I was about being nosey, I didn’t touch anything on his desk or move anything. I did noticed the picture of the girl and him, clearly a girlfriend and I wondered if she was Joshua’s mother. But he didn’t look anything like her. Joshua woke up right after she got back. I got his bottle but Jessica was in the kitchen eating and just kind of eyed me as I fixed the bottle and went back to the office. 

I was trying to remember what I could have done to make them not like me at all. I mean, I’d just met her today! While he ate, so did I. After that he needed to be changed so I went ahead and while the suit was open I wiped off his neck area and before the new diaper was on I put the diaper rash crème where it needed to be. I had just finished zipping the suit back up when I heard her voice.

“What are you doing?” 

I glanced back at Jessica. “Changing a diaper and wiping his neck off good, some of the milk ran down his chin. He’s a baby, someone has to do that for him.” 

She then moved away and kept on toward the front. I did keep him up a bit longer, at least until his ten pm feeding and then I let him fall asleep, I turned the light off and closed the door, leaned back myself. It had been a long day and I suspect with being here all day it’ll be worse. Zac woke me up before Joshua woke up but since he was heading home he was planning to feed him when he got there. I drove to the hotel and pretty much fell into the bed the way I was.


	8. Contentment & Trust

POV: Zac

 

July 18, 2006; Tuesday

Cassandra had been working for me for a full four days. I had not learned anything about her beyond her ability to care for him was phenomenal. He had been screaming when she arrived Saturday and she had him calmed down and laying in her lap smiling at her within an hour. How she did that was beyond me, he seemed to be responding to her quite well and I guess I finally made a decision that was right. 

Did anyone agree with that decision? No. Taylor and Isaac were both irritated and pissed off that she was watching him in the studio and not her place, also that she brings her laptop with her. They were afraid that she would secretly record something and post it to the web, but she had freely signed the confidentiality paper and she fully understood that releasing anything about the music, art, or even our conversations was prohibited and could get her fired. She wasn’t stupid. 

I felt no need for her to watch Joshua at her place, for starters I didn’t totally trust her yet. Here at the studio I could check in and if he cried too long I could find out why. I also liked that I could check in on him from time to time and spend dinner with him. I was trusting her slowly, I just wasn’t sure she would protect him and keep him covered from the fans. I wanted to know she would protect him as I would, for that it required me to trust her a little more than I currently did.

Oddly, I thought my parents would approve of this and they hadn’t. They saw her Friday afternoon and apparently Mom didn’t like that she was keeping him awake or that she had the room a little bit warmer than the rest of the studio, it seemed she was nitpicking little things that I didn’t remember her ever picking on before. Dad just frowned and said it was a big mistake and I needed to suck it up and use a daycare center. I wasn’t changing my mind and they could suck it up and deal.

Currently Taylor was off with Harper doing something and Isaac was in his office catching up on whatever and I was in mine, Joshua was in his swing asleep he’d been very good this morning having slept instead of screaming. He did seem to be sleeping a bit longer at night, three hours was more four but when he wakes up screaming it throws him off. I was going through some files and eliminating older ones that I could delete. 

Jessica came in about 11:30 and sat down in the chair.

“I need to talk to you.” 

“Okay, is there a problem in the warehouse?” 

Jessica usually handled the merchandise side of our business, because she was even around at 15 or 16 and knew the merchandise side. I assumed that whatever she was here to speak to me about, it concerned the business.

“No, the warehouse aspect is fine. It’s actually about Cassandra.” 

I leaned back and looked at my little sister. “Not you too Jess.”

“Just hear me out? Please?” 

“Okay. What is you want to talk to me about, concerning her.” 

“I met her obviously and I got a little curious over the weekend and I tried to find her.” 

“Find her? She was here Jess.” 

“No, I mean like online. Socially. She’s 22 and she’s an average girl Zachary.”

“Okay, tell me she wasn’t posting pictures or anything.” 

“No. That’s just it, I didn’t find anything.”

“Nothing?” 

“No Facebook page that I saw, no Twitter, no Instagram, no kind of social interactions. I have more than one, even the band has more than one. I didn’t find any information that she was in the fan club or had participated in anything for the last few years. She said she lived here in Tulsa, I didn’t find any Cassandra Morgan.”

“Well, she didn’t say she rented or anything Jess, I don’t know where she lives really. She could be rooming with someone.”

“Do you know any 22 year olds that don’t use any form of social media?”

“I am sure they exist Jess. Least it’ll calm Ike and Tay down because one cannot mass media share when one doesn’t have accounts.”

“Zac, come on that doesn’t at all alarm you? Not even a single shred of evidence she was ever online as a teenager or now?” 

“Should it Jess? So she doesn’t have a social media account. Did it occur to you that she is too busy for one? Maybe she doesn’t want them. I certainly don’t do Instagram, that is Taylor’s deal.”

“I just find it weird, she sits in here all afternoon with him and she doesn’t talk to anyone. I think she talked to one person and that was her Mom Friday afternoon. No friends call her, no constant texts. I’ve been sitting here like ten minutes and have five messages. Do you not find that odd?” 

“Sorry little sister, I don’t find that weird. She never said she was a social butterfly.” 

She sighed. “You need to be careful Zac. Are you even sure Cassandra is her name?” 

“Yes Jess.” 

Although, now that she mentioned it I hadn’t asked for any ID or anything, perhaps I should…

“I don’t think you did. I think you need to verify her name, you are trusting her with him.” 

“I’m not going to comment on that. But you’re concern over her lack of social media is documented.”

“But you aren’t going to do shit about it?”

“What am I to do Jess? Make her show me her phone to prove she has no accounts? Make her tell me why she doesn’t bother to do twitter and share her life with the world? I’m actually really fine if she doesn’t because then I know without a doubt she isn’t tweeting his picture or information, she’s not sharing anything about us. So, you tell me why it’s such a big deal.” 

“It’s odd that a 22 year old doesn’t have not one social account, that she doesn’t seem to have any friends, she clearly doesn’t do anything. She works there and comes here. She doesn’t talk to or interact with anyone here but you and Joshua. Zac she has conversations with him, do you not find that odd?” 

“I don’t find her lack of social media weird. If she wants to work two jobs that is her, maybe she is saving for something. Did it ever occur to you that she might would talk to you, Taylor, or Isaac if the three of you didn’t make her think you hate her? She asked me why you didn’t like her, why Taylor and Isaac don’t. Mom and Dad don’t. As far as talking to Joshua, I do that Jess. I have conversations with him too. It helps him learn and eventually it will help him learn words.” 

“You are hopeless. You keep making stupid decisions.” 

She got up and walked out of my office, how can that be stupid? I can’t explain to Cassandra what they have against her because they won’t tell me. But what Jessica said was really kind of making me wonder, because I had noticed that she doesn’t speak to anyone outside the studio, but I didn’t know if she knew she could. 

Curiosity got the best of me and I went to several social media places and tried to find her, but like Jessica I came up with nothing. I couldn’t keep browsing because Joshua was waking up. It was still hard for me to believe that this little human was mine, that he was my son and I had been a father for close to six weeks. I’d kept up his doctors as he saw the doctor last Monday before I hired her, to have no experience he had gained weight and the doctor said he was perfect. He wouldn’t go back until he was 2 months old.

He needed a clean diaper and a bottle to stay happy and I got the text from Cassie saying it would be more like three before she would be here because second shift was late. It was fine, Taylor wasn’t due back until three anyway. Yet, about 2:30 Joshua got whiney and he was screaming by the time she arrived, I went to let her in and she took him the moment she came in.

“Hey little man, what is all this screaming about?”

It was almost like a switch because he started calming down almost as soon as she spoke.

“I think he missed you.” 

“Maybe he did.” 

We went to the office and I gave her a rundown of his day, which was pretty tame until he apparently missed her.

“I have a question.” I said.

“I may have an answer.” She said.

She’d laid her bags down and had Joshua on her legs, which were propped up so he was sitting up.

“Is there any reason why you don’t seem to have a social media account of any kind? Apparently my social media obsessed sister tried to find you. I tried to, but neither of us found you. I did think maybe it wasn’t under your actual name.” 

“I use to have them when I was in high school but after high school social media was just a problem, drama filled bullcrap mostly. So, I deleted them all. I don’t really miss them, it’s less drama.”

“You don’t even want to keep up with bands or friends?” 

“I keep up with Hanson fine enough without social media, the bands I listen to have websites with accurate information. I talk to friends on the phone, not twitter.” 

“Speaking of friends, it is okay if you want to call and talk to them when you’re here. Just don’t like tell all of our secrets.” 

“Saphira works second shift, so by the time she is off I am usually laying him down with me to sleep.” 

“Saphira?” I asked.

That was a very unique name, not one I had heard as very common.

“She works with me at the station and apparently her name is derived from Ancient Greek terms. Her mom is a Greek mythology nut.” 

“It’s unique.” 

“It is.” 

“But, is she the only person you talk to?” 

I’d like to say that her head shake was reassuring but it wasn’t, because it lacked conviction and I could tell in her eyes that Saphira was it. Did that bother me some? Yes, because even I had more than one friend and with my lifestyle friends were hard to find and keep.

“I know it’s none of my business but…is she your girlfriend?” 

She indicated the photo of Maddilyn and I on my desk. I really should take it off now, it was more than a few months and it was very clear that she wasn’t going to be coming back to me.

“She use to be, yes. I fucked it up.”

Her brow raised. “By having a son, presumably by someone that wasn’t her?” 

I nodded, not really wanting to talk about that. But the way she looked at me wasn’t like my family, it wasn’t judgmental. 

“In short, I screwed up and it cost me her, I guess I was holding out hope that one day she would return to me but I saw her last Sunday at the store and she had moved on.” 

“Ouch. Well, she may not have stayed but you have Joshua, I can see him as a bright spot in all that darkness.” 

“He really has been.” 

Even if people didn’t believe I needed to keep him, he had been one thing to bring happiness and light from the darkness of life. She had a point but there was something in her eyes there too.

“Guess you know about breakups?” 

“You could say that, yeah. Taylor just walked by, I guess they’re looking for you?” 

“Probably, I’ll do dinner about the normal time.” 

“I got a snack when I left. So, I’m good. I think little man needs a diaper or he farted on me. He’s getting a bit sleepy too.” 

I got up and went to the studio, she went about whatever it was she was going to do. We did make some progress before Ike and I decided it was food time. He didn’t want take out, Taylor was meeting Harper so I went to the office.

“Would you like to go get something for dinner?” 

“You guys aren’t just coming back?” 

“Nope. Taylor is meeting Harper, Ike doesn’t want take out so he’s going to hit up Caz’s, thought we could do Mexicali’s or we can do Caz’s, I don’t care.”

She seemed very puzzled for a moment. “You mean..like…go there?”

“Yes, that’s what I mean.” 

I thought for a moment she was going to say no but she finally nodded. “Okay, uh…what about Joshua? Carrier?” 

“Sure, you want to carry him this time?” 

“Uh…sure.” 

The straps had to be adjusted for her but he seemed fine, it was after his feeding anyway and she’d kept him up a bit. Once he was strapped in I got his diaper bag, which was really a backpack and we headed out.

“You’re taking him?” Isaac asked.

“Yes.” 

He walked with us to the end of the street and then we went to Mexican and he went to Caz’s. We did sit inside today because it was just hot outside. She looked very comfortable with him. The waiter got drink orders and even the entrée orders because we both knew.

“If he gets too heavy I can take him. I don’t mind.” 

“He’s fine. He really doesn’t weigh that much and you got a really good carrier.”

“I’m going to go Sunday and get him a better stroller, take that one back. It does make it easier if he can lay down.” 

“Yeah.” 

Overall, dinner was nice. Light conversation and most of it was her asking general, non-band related questions like my favorite color or what I listened to normally. It was basic and I reciprocated and learned her favorite color was black usually but she liked blues too, she liked the city but she hadn’t been to many locations. Saphira had taken her to the Rose Garden not long ago. 

We finished dinner and I checked on where Ike and Taylor were, Ike was back at the studio but Taylor was going to be another thirty or so.

“I’d like to just get out and move around, you want to just walk around the block with me?” 

“Sure, I should do that more often really.” 

“Me too.” 

I paid the check and instead of heading straight back, we crossed the street and headed down toward the park. 

“I haven’t been this way much really on foot.” 

“The park is pretty up here, the grassy area isn’t much but that’s from shows and stuff.” 

Joshua seemed content to sleep right where he was, his head using her breasts as pillows. She didn’t seem to care, but I noticed a few times she’d gently move his head, ensuring his nose and mouth weren’t covered. We were at the park when a bunch of fans approached me, there were three girls with varying shades of brown hair and from what I can tell brown eyes. I noticed Cassandra kind of backed off when they approached, they asked for pictures and autographs and I complied. 

“Hey! That’s my camera.” 

I turned around and Cassandra was deleting pictures off a camera, Joshua had a blanket over him, where it came from I had no idea. 

“You asked me if you could take his picture, I told you no. You took it anyway. I said no photos and I meant it.” 

“It’s a public place.” 

“I don’t care.”

She went to touch him and I started to intervene there, but Cassandra stopped her hand. 

“Do not touch him.” 

“It’s not like he’s your son.” 

“Doesn’t matter, you aren’t touching him.” 

She looked at me, as if she had some right to have her hands on him.

“I would advise you not touch him, I’m not sure what she’d do. But, I think it’s best you leave him alone.” 

She seemed desperate but Cassandra came a bit closer, moved away from her. She kept him covered up and wouldn’t even allow them to take pictures of her! Then again, when I announced that I had a son, I hadn’t announced who the mother was, mostly because Megan’s lawyer had specifically said I wasn’t allowed to. I was fine with that. I bid them farewell and we headed back toward the studio.

“I didn’t cross any lines did I?” 

“No. Maybe if you had hit her or something, but no. I know eventually they’ll get pictures but right now I just want to avoid that.” 

“I figured.” 

“Where did that blanket come from?” 

“I had it laid across my chest incase he threw up, just pulled it out and moved it.” 

“Smart thinking.” 

“I have a question, I like to take a lot of photos. Would you mind if I took some of him for you and your family? Double promise I won’t keep any of them and you’ll see them all, even the bad ones.” 

“Where did you want to take them?” 

“Lafortune Park, it’s technically a golf course but they have a small park area and an open grassy area. I was thinking Saturday. I’m off so I can be yours all day. I’d like to go before it gets super hot.”

“We were going to be here all day.” 

She looked kind of disappointed but she had answered my question, she would defend him and she didn’t allow pictures. Added, if I wasn’t there who would really know? 

“However, if you want to take him that morning. I don’t see why that would be a problem.” 

“You…wouldn’t mind?” 

“Truthfully, I was worried about how you’d handle fans. But you handled them well and let’s be honest, if I’m not there who is really going to approach you? They won’t know he’s mine.” 

She nodded. “I don’t mind waiting until Sunday if you prefer. I know I’ve only been here less than a week.” 

“Honestly, I am sure that everyone will tell me it’s a horrible idea and I shouldn’t allow you to even take him out of the studio. But, let’s be realistic here, I cannot confine you to the studio and I really don’t want to confine Joshua there either. He needs fresh air and I feel bad that you just get to sit there all day.” 

“You’re the boss. But, I knew I needed to ask before I took any photos of him. Your confidentiality agreement didn’t include him but considering who you are I can see where privacy is required.” 

“Thank you for asking, I really don’t mind if you take some. I did see a few of your concert photos the other day and they were really good.” 

“I always took photos, it was my thing.” 

“I’ve taken a lot of him at home and here, but nothing like professional like.” 

“Understandable. So, if you have a suit for him you prefer, bring it with you along with a few large blankets or sheets. I don’t want to lay him on the ground or right on the grass.” 

“I’ve got a few drop clothes at the studio, they’re lightweight and small enough that it wouldn’t be too large. I will also go buy that stroller for you.” 

She smiled. “You don’t have to, but it would be appreciated.” 

We got back to the studio and she went to the office and I returned to the actual recording area.

“You took a long time.” Isaac said.

“We walked a bit too, Taylor not back yet?” 

“Bathroom, he’s been back like three minutes.”

I didn’t say anything to him or Taylor about her taking him Saturday. We made some great progress and it actually was about three am before we headed home. I had gotten Joshua at 12 when he woke up, because she needed sleep. I let her sleep through that one but he did wake her at three. After that we headed home.


	9. Picture Perfect

POV: Cassandra

 

July 22, 2006

I arranged to meet Zac at the studio at 8:30, I wanted to get the pictures early and then get him back inside because the temperatures after noon were extremely hot. Saphira had begged to come with me or meet me today, but I wasn’t sure if Zac would allow her to be there too. It would be nice because it would give me help. Zac let me in at eight and sitting by the door was a new stroller. It was black and the seat was reclined back already. He spent a moment going over how to fold it and unfold it. It was simple thankfully.

“So, I know you don’t mind me taking him but Saphira asked late last night if she could come with me today or if I could have some time for lunch or something with her. I told her that I’d have the baby and would have to ask before I said yes.” 

“Saphira?” he asked.

“I work with her at the station.” 

I was sure I had told him before, but I brought up her picture and showed him, he hadn’t met her or anything. I really didn’t think he would agree to let her come with me because he seemed super careful about everything.

“Do you trust her?” 

“Yes. She won’t be taking care of Joshua, I will be. But, it may not hurt to have an extra person there. Someone to help keep track of everything.” 

“Does she have experience with babies?” 

“A little bit, yes. Mostly family members.” 

“If you trust her, I don’t mind if she is with you. But, you can’t bring her here because they’ll be pissed off if you do. Keep your phone with you and she cannot post any photos of him.” 

“She kind of knows who he is and who I work for, she remembers my story from the show. So, she won’t mind any rules.” 

“It’s fine, just don’t bring her here.” 

“I assume that your brothers aren’t happy with me taking him outside?” 

“No, they’re not. But, Joshua isn’t their son he’s mine. He’s in his zip up suit but I brought a suit with me.”

We went to the office where Joshua was laying in his bassinet asleep and he held up a suit, a pair of overall shorts with a little fire engine on the front and a white short sleeve shirt with blue, red, and grey fire trucks.

“I figured as warm as it is outside, he should be okay in this.” 

“He should be yeah, you have pants in his bag right?” 

“Right, a few pair actually and there is a black pair that will match this shirt if for some reason he does get cold. I also have a few throws we use, a black and a dark blue, his baby blanket here is fine too just if it’s on the ground let me know and I’ll wash it. The others we use around here.” 

I smiled at him. “Okay. So, where is his car seat I can’t take him anywhere without that.”

He held up a set of keys, ones I knew go to his truck and I was confused. Why was he holding out his keys?

“His car seat is a pain in the ass to get out, so just take my truck. You can drive my truck right?” 

“Uh…Yeah I can I just..” 

“No offense, if you’re hit in my truck it probably won’t hurt you or him, your car is little. The truck also has more space in the back seat. It’s parked right by the front door.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yep.” 

I took the key and he first helped me load the items, the backdrops they used were super light and easy to carry. He also adjusted the seat for me because I had no idea how. I sent Saphira a text and told her where to meet me and I gave Zac the address.

“I’ll have my phone with me the whole time.” 

He smiled. “I’ll be here, probably arguing with them.” 

“I don’t have to go there Zac, I can wait until tomorrow.” 

“No. It’s fine. Like I said, Joshua is my son and not theirs.” 

When I had everything in the car I fixed the bottles that I might need, I put water in three of them and then fixed the powder in the container. I could then mix and go. I turned to leave and Taylor was there.

“You shouldn’t be taking him anywhere.” 

“I’m his sitter Taylor, I’ve asked his father for permission and it was granted. Excuse me. I’d like to get there and back before it gets too hot.” 

I walked around him and went back to the studio. One final check and then I got him and walked outside with Zac. He didn’t mind the car seat at all. I buckled him in and got out, sitting his bag in the floorboard.

“Saphira is meeting me there and asked for lunch, do you want me to message where we go so I can bring you something back?”

“You can, not sure I’ll like where you go. Remember the rules.” 

“No fans allowed to take photos, Saphira can’t take them either. No posting them. My camera has nothing on it right now, so when I get back I can download them to whatever you want.” 

He smiled. “Okay, if you need anything call me.” 

He closed the truck door and went back inside. I was going to use LaFortune golf course, it wasn’t far. I avoided the expressway and arrived before Saphira, so I went ahead and got the stroller out and set up, loaded the blankets and drop clothes in the bottom, his blanket I laid inside to lay him on. Since he was awake and it was a little past his feeding so I went ahead and fixed the bottle and used the car charging warmer to heat it a bit. I then rolled him and everything to a shady spot where I sat down to feed him. Saphira called while he was eating.

“So, I’m here but your car isn’t here.”

“I’m in his truck, blue tundra. I’m sitting about forty feet from the truck on a bench. Look for the black stroller.” 

“I see you! Be there in a few.” 

I hung up and a few minutes later she was sitting down beside me. 

“The elusive baby exists. I did some online searching and not many people believe he actually exists. I assume that I am not allowed to photograph him.” 

“You are correct. He didn’t mind you helping or being here, but no photos outside my camera and nothing can be posted anywhere.” 

“Deal. What about if fans approach?” 

“Considering you and I are here without any of them, they shouldn’t. But, if they do he must be covered and no photos. They for sure don’t get to touch him.” 

She nodded. “God he looks like Zac, do you have any idea who his mother is? Have you met her?” 

“No and no. I’ve been wanting to ask him about her but honestly the whole situation is weird.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, Taylor and Isaac are pissed off because I’m here with him alone.” 

“Do they not trust you?” 

“Clearly not, they hate me Saphira. They never speak to me unless it’s some crossword, they never come to see him or anything, I’ve never seen any of them with Joshua.” 

“Joshua being the baby?”

“Yep.” 

“That is weird.”

“His mom thinks I can’t care for him, his dad just snorted when he saw me. Jessica doesn’t seem to like me and Avery well, she hasn’t even been around me. They all seem to…I don’t know it’s strange. Like, he asked me to watch him because no one would.” 

“Maybe it’s just how they are at work.” 

“Maybe. Anyway, plan today is pictures of him and since he’s awake I should get started.” 

The first thing was clean the diaper and I got a few shots of him without clothes at all, but didn’t push it. I didn’t want any of the items to be peed on or worse! The nude photos did not show any frontal areas, mostly just side views. I then dressed him in the suit which fit perfectly. It was good too because the warmth of the day was keeping him warm too. 

“God that is adorable.” 

“I know.” 

I got several dozen pictures, using the blankets, the drop cloths and even Saphira. I wanted some of him sitting up just a bit and her sitting Indian style was great, put the cloth over her and you couldn’t even tell. 

“Do you have anything in your car I might could use?” 

“I think I have a wicker basket and a mirror.” 

“Bring them both to me.” 

She quickly got the items and I used the extra covers to create a soft padding and cover most of the wood up before sitting him up in the corner, making sure he was comfortable. They turned out great. It was approaching 11 and he was getting kind of fussy with me, so the last few I got used the mirror. It was good and thick, had a nice wooden trim so I laid him face down, and it worked as a mirror effect. After that I held him.

“You want to feed him here again before we head to lunch?” 

“Yep, it’s about that time.” 

She fixed the bottle for me and brought it to me and I sat there on the bench. I didn’t really even know she had taken a picture.

“You photograph well.” 

“Huh?” 

“I got a few of you and him. He can choose to keep them or not, but it was too cute not too. The way you look at him.” 

“I don’t know about pictures of us Saphira.” 

“Again, you can ask Zac.” 

Joshua finished his bottle and then we loaded things back up, I went ahead and put him in the car seat. The drive to the restaurant knocked him right out. Once there I set up the stroller again and laid him down, he slept through it. We went inside and I kept his stroller turned away from people and kept him covered up with the top and a blanket. Not that anyone seemed to care, we just looked like two lesbians out with our son.

We had chosen Blue Rose and once we got our order in I got a photo of Joshua and sent it to Zac along with where we were. I got a smiley face and an order in return. 

“So, how is it working there with them?” 

“Boring mostly. I’ve caught up on some reading though. Got all the Rose Garden photos edited and the concert ones. I mean this is how he is for right now, he just sleeps, eats, and poops. We do have conversations late in the day.” 

“Sounds like the perfect job. I guess you like kids.” 

“I always have, to be an only child and not have a lot of family I just grew toward them. Did the daycare thing and got really good with them.” 

“Did you want kids?” 

“I did, but I don’t think I will be having any.” 

Her foot nudged my leg. “You could adopt a cute little baby named Joshua. Pretty sure his daddy is single.” 

I giggled. “No. His whole family hates me bad enough.”

“You mean to tell me not once have you seen any of them in a more…personal sense?” 

I shook my head. “No. I like the music. Never really had a favorite or anything. Of course, most of my teenage years I was with someone so, it didn’t really strike me that way.” 

“What happened to him?” 

“He changed after graduation.” 

“That sucks, but often happens.” 

The waiter brought our plates and I turned in an order for Zac’s to go. She ate a few bites.

“I want kids one day, but not for a while. I think maybe late 20’s.” 

“Don’t you need a guy first?” 

“Ideally, yes. That’s keeping me from things too.” 

“Kind of required unless you do the IVF method.” 

“Naa, I like the old fashion way personally. I don’t see how you can work there and not notice them at all. I mean, I just looked them up and the blue eyed hottie is hot as hell.” 

“He’s also married.” I pointed out.

“Hey, Zac’s not bad looking either and come on you see him daily.” 

“He’s my boss Saphira.” 

She just smiled at me and I shook my head. We finished eating lunch and she walked me to the truck.

“I know I can’t come to the studio, damn. What am I going to do all afternoon?” 

“Go find that guy to help you make babies later.” 

She laughed. “Deal. One of these nights you’ll come out with me.” 

“I’m never off!” 

“Damn if that’s not true. Alright, you get his lunch and son back before he freaks out.” 

I gave her a hug and then headed back to the studio, taking his lunch inside and then texting him. Joshua was still napping so well so I laid him down and sat down in the chair. He came in a few minutes later.

“I can now brag that you came back and both he and you, and my trucks are in one piece.” 

“They must have really yelled.” 

“Oh yeah. How did it go?” 

“Really good actually. That suit is adorable. He was awake mostly the whole time, there are a few times where he dozed and I got some of those. But, there is one thing I’d like later this afternoon.” 

“What’s that?” 

“You and him. Not as extensive as his but some at least.” 

“Harper is bringing Taylor dinner. We can order pizza and take some at the park when it cools off.” 

“Okay.”

I let him eat his lunch in peace, he probably deserved it. I sat back and I guess what Saphira said kind of sank in because I really had never stopped to just look at him. His hair was clipped shorter than before, but it was getting longer, the same baby face I remember, he was still young after all. But there was extra bags there from being up with the baby, extra worry lines and while he ate quickly and like any normal guy he didn’t seem to be gaining weight. But, then again I only saw his dinner usually. 

“Cassandra?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Something wrong?” 

“No.”

Shit, I shouldn’t be considering anything with him. Not in my own situation and for sure not his as I didn’t really understand his. His brothers, parents, and sisters all seem to be against him having Joshua and they were totally against me. Yet, he seemed happy with having a son and I assumed that he verified Joshua was his.

“You were staring, didn’t know if I had something on my chin or something.” 

“No, you’re the only other person here to stare at.” 

“True. So..while you were away I considered it and you can put them on your laptop because you’re more familiar with it and my laptop is crazy and I can’t let you on the work ones. But, please don’t label the folder with my name.” 

“I usually use the date and first name.” 

“Well, you can also lock the folder so no one else sees them.” 

“Okay. I’ll work on them after he eats again. I won’t keep him up because he was up earlier.”

“Okay. Harper is bringing Taylor his dinner about six, so if you want we can do the pictures and then order pizza.” 

“Deal.” 

He went back to the studio and after Joshua’s next bottle I laid him down to keep snoozing and set the laptop up on the desk. I first downloaded the pictures and while I really did want to delete the ones she took, I would leave that up to Zac. 

I was editing them when I heard a gasp. “What the fuck are you doing with pictures of him?” 

I turned and found Taylor’s wife was standing at the door, her sudden outburst woke him up and I scowled at her.

“Zac is fully aware of the pictures.”

I then ignored her and got Joshua out of the pack and play, her sudden outburst had startled him as it was nearing time for more food for him.

“I doubt that. But, he’ll definitely know about them now.” 

I ignored her because I knew I was fine and instead got him calmed back down. I went and fixed his bottle and could hear her yelling at him about how irresponsible it was to allow me to take his picture, to have them on my laptop, to even be here watching him! God knows I didn’t understand how he could put up with them because I would have exploded and told them all to kiss my ass by now. I saw him come out of the studio and the door audibly slammed into the seal which again caused Joshua to jump.

I followed him and he was standing at the door confused.

“I’m right here, bottle time.” 

“Oh..I wondered.” 

We waited until he was done eating and then Zac carried him to the park. Once we got there I got probably three dozen pictures, including some where Zac was laying down.

“You are very photogenic.” 

“Oh god, not you too!” 

The downside to having him here was that people noticed and I tried to take mine quickly because I didn’t want many pictures from fans either. Although I was a bit stunned when Zac asked someone to take some of us.

“Us?”

“You are his sitter.” 

“I didn’t…but…us?” 

He just smiled and I handed the camera to this person, who he apparently knew. We were by the steps so he sat down and propped Joshua up on the right side, having him sitting on his leg. I chose to sit just behind and a little above him. The guy took a few pictures.

But Zac’s the one that moved up, putting me closer and I was confused but he only took a few. Zac insisted on taking a few of me with Joshua too. Why, I didn’t know. On the walk back to the studio he called the pizza place and once we were back and settled we ate when the pizza arrived and then I edited photos and he was in the studio. The ones of me and Joshua were pretty good, Zac had done well too. The ones of us felt so weird, they were almost couple like and I knew they didn’t need to be seen. I however, laid down after Joshua’s nine pm bottle. Laid him down too, it was another very long night for them as it was about 2 before Zac woke me up to go home.


	10. I Found You

POV: Cassandra

 

August 7, 2006; Monday

4:45…I was pushing it with this two jobs thing, Zac had asked me to come in yesterday too and ‘a few hours’ was more like most the day. I was fortunate that none of the fans at the park a few weeks back had shared anything, and Zac liked every picture I took but he said his favorite one was of him in the basket, which he had a huge print done for the office, even made me sign it. I noticed when he gave me the envelope that week it had extra in it. I knew better than to argue with him by now about what he pays. 

I was putting it back but truthfully the idea of going to Florida was beginning to slip back. I had hesitated not only because being around them was unsettling to me but I was afraid I’d get too attached to Joshua and that was exactly what was happening. 

I was tired but I showered anyway and went to the store, making it 5 minutes early. I heard the new third shift cashier complain about everything before they left. I was forever grateful they were gone. Others came in at 8 and the day got busy. I was heading to the studio today also so I was getting off at two like normal.

“Cass.” Mrs. Peggy said.

“Yes Ma’am?” 

“We have beer delivery tomorrow, will you have time to clean and prep?” 

“Unless you need me here a lot, I should. I do have to leave at two.” 

“That’s fine. Go ahead, we have three up here we should be fine.” 

I nodded and headed to the cooler, grabbing a jacket as I went. I knew it would take a bit because I hadn’t had time in a few weeks. I started with filling the shelves. I was about an hour in, was filling the larger cases when I saw someone walk up to the cooler, not unusual, people bought beer all day long. I put another case up and turned to get the next one.

“Did you really think you could hide from me forever Cassandra?” 

My hands froze on the case, I was pretty sure every ounce of blood in my body froze as well. How had he found me?! That wasn’t fucking possible. I turned slowly and found he had moved several cases and created an opening.

“What are you doing here?” 

“Really? That’s your first question? That should be my question to you.” 

“I’m working.” 

“You should be working with my mother and not here.”

“No.”

“You don’t want me to come in there Cassandra, it’s much better if you come out here.” 

He then closed the door, he was right there if he came in here I was trapped and I didn’t like that option so I stepped out into the larger cooler in the corner and then out into the store. He was dressed like he usually did, carpenter pants that were brown and a grey t-shirt with a flannel button up over it, left open. He had some scruff today and his hair was uncombed it seemed.

“What do you want? How did you even..” 

“Find you? Oh that was hard you were very clever but a co-worker saw you last Friday. Asked me when you started working here.” 

I had thought that I recognized him but I hadn’t been sure. 

“It doesn’t matter, I’m out.” 

He stepped closer to me. “Out? Why do you think you’re out?” 

“I’m done Calvin. I’m sure you read the note.” 

“Oh I read it alright, then I went all over the country trying to find you. Funny, I thought you’d go straight to Mom and Dad, but you didn’t. Instead you stayed right here in town. You need to just come home, you know where you should be.” 

“I don’t want to be there Calvin, I told you in the note.”

He was quick to back me against a shelf and a bunch of stuff hit the floor, thankfully nothing glass.

“I don’t care what you want Cassandra, that isn’t your choice.”

“Cassie?” Mrs. Peggy said.

“I’m fine.” 

“Is there a problem?” She asked.

“No. My girl and I are having a conversation. Nothing more.” 

She looked at the items in the floor and then back at me. “Cassie?” 

“I tripped on my laces, it’s fine.” 

The lie had fallen out so fast, but then again I was very good at covering for things. She indicated for me to clean it up and I did, quickly even making sure it was perfect.

“Can she take a short break?”

“No. She’s on the clock and I need that cooler done before she leaves. Whatever it is I am sure you can discuss it when she gets off at four.” 

Either I wasn’t the only good liar or she’d saw right through mine. Because she knew damn well I got off at two. Calvin really didn’t seem to like her. But she looked at me.

“Three minutes and you better be back in that cooler.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

She returned to the front and I waited, wasn’t quite sure what I was waiting on though but he was mad that she’d just give him a limited time and denied his question.

“She’s a bitch, you will quit and come home. Mom said she would take you back and forgive you for leaving her short handed.” 

“I’m not quitting Calvin. I can’t go back, not with you and not with her.” 

He leaned down. “I don’t believe I gave you a choice. I am sure you haven’t forgotten how to behave. Four o’clock, you will have one hour to come home or you will regret it Cassandra. Mark my words, you don’t want to be late.” 

He kissed my check and put something in my pocket. “Next time you better have it on.” 

He turned and walked up the aisle, buying a candy bar and a drink. He was in his work truck so he must have driven from there to here. I refixed the aisle and returned to the cooler. I knew what he’d put in my pocket, but I didn’t want to see it. 

Instead, I just double timed the cooler the heavier the box the better. I was done by one and went ahead and stocked the larger cases also. I was almost done, turned to leave and Saphira was standing at the door.

“Mrs. Peggy said you had a visitor today. A guy. Said he called you his girl. When did you get a boyfriend?” 

“He’s not my boyfriend Saphira.” 

It technically wasn’t a lie.

“Then who is he? She said he caused a bit of a scene in the store.” 

“Ex who can’t understand. He shouldn’t be back. It’s fine.” 

“You don’t seem fine, in fact you seem quite upset. What happened with him?” 

“He changed. It’s all that matters.”

“Mrs. Peggy sent me to get you. She wants to talk to you before you leave.” 

I stacked the last box and nodded, I put up the hand trucks and then went to her office.

“Saphira said you wanted to see me?” 

“Come in, close the door.” 

I came in and closed the door behind me. Probably wasn’t going to be good. 

“Who was the guy that came by?” 

“Calvin, he shouldn’t be back.” 

“You know I don’t like it when employees bring their personal issues to work with them, correct?” 

“Yes, ma’am. If he does come back I’ll handle it.” 

“If he comes back he better not cause a scene.” 

I nodded. “The cooler is done and stocked, everything is organized and ready.” 

“Thank you.” 

I walked to the register, pulled mine and counted it down. I didn’t want to explain anything to anyone so, as soon as I was done, I clocked out. I sat in the car for a few minutes before taking the ring out of my pocket. I’d been so excited to put it on that first time and all it became was a prison. 

A prison, I tried to escape from. I didn’t dwell and went to the studio after that. Putting the ring in the glove box. I didn’t need it. I didn’t even want it anymore. I didn’t believe he would stay away. 

**August 9, 2006 – Wednesday**

Calvin hadn’t stayed away, he had come by yesterday at the same time. But, I was at the register and I couldn’t really walk away. Mrs. Peggy told him he needed to leave and that whatever problems we had we needed to deal with them at home. He certainly hadn’t been pleased with that. I was glad that he hadn’t been waiting at two, but Saphira had said he came by at four that day. I had been at the register most of the morning but about 10 she sent me to stock and do coolers. I did the floor first and then moved into the coolers. The beer cooler had been quick, having been stocked yesterday too by the vendors. I was in the far end putting Pepsi up and I heard the door open and close, assumed it was one of the other two to help. So, I kept putting Pepsi into the racks, Mt. Dew or whatever else needed to be filled.

I didn’t think anything about the quietness until I felt someone right behind me and I just paused.

“I could have sworn I told you to have your ring on the next time. You didn’t yesterday and you don’t today.” 

“You aren’t supposed to be in here.” 

I think what bothered me more was the small space I had here. He snatched the Pepsi from my hand and I heard it hit the something on the other end of the cooler.

“Neither are you, you should be at the daycare center with my mother and you should be coming home every fucking night and you aren’t.” 

“Calvin..” 

“You do this to yourself Cassandra, you just refuse to listen and you were doing so well.” 

I should have expected it, I really should have but months of not jumping every time someone said my name had desensitized me to him. He’d pushed me hard right into the crates to my left, the top most crate tipped sideways and fell, one of the bottles must have hit wrong because I got sprayed in the face by soda. The sugary syrup stung my eyes and I was trying to get it out when he grabbed my arm, I stumbled over the other bottles in the floor.

“Never fucking listen.” 

I managed to stop myself about 10 feet from where we started.

“I’m not leaving Calvin. I’m not going home with you.”

His grip tightened painfully around my arm before he pulled me right against him. 

“You don’t have a choice. You are coming home right now, I’ll come back for your car later.” 

“I can’t Calvin, I can’t keep doing this. You and I both know it’s not working, there’s no point in forcing it to.” 

Again his grip tightened and I could almost see the little tiny flames dancing in his eyes, it wasn’t the best thing to push him when he was mad but he wouldn’t do anything really bad here. I was clearly wrong about that. It was the stack of cans, he flung me around and I hit the corner, I then tried to grab anything to keep from falling. I pulled the wrong things and I couldn’t do anything but cover my face as cans, bottles, and other items came crashing down. Cans ruptured, sending various soda all over the place and glass bottle hit the floor and shattered. Plastic juice bottles bounced and rolled. 

Thirteen seconds is all it took for someone to open the door.

“What the fuck is going on in here?” 

The noise had stopped and I was trying to carefully get up without slicing my arm or hands open.

“Why are you in the cooler and Cassandra, what the hell happened?” 

“I was visiting her.” 

I was not sure how to really respond, but my side hurt like hell. Saphira appeared behind her and I couldn’t tell them what he did.

“You sir have five fucking minutes to get out of my store before I call the police.” 

He carefully stepped around me and I saw the look, but it left me here to explain. He passed them both and I presumed he left the building, Calvin would avoid the police at all cost. 

“Cassandra?” 

“I tripped over one of the bottles, hit the wrong thing. I’ll clean it up.” 

“Yeah, you are. You may want to contact your second job, it doesn’t look like you’ll be done in two hours, when you are done come see me.” 

She then turned and walked away, but Saphira came inside and carefully to me.

“Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine. I need to get stuff.” 

“You need to tell her the truth, you didn’t slip Cassandra. I was standing right there, he caused you to fall when he slung you around.” 

“It’s fine.” 

“No, it’s not. You know what she’s going to do Cassie.” 

“I do. It’s fine. I need to get this done.” 

“I’ll help you.” 

“No, you won’t. You need to be at the register.” 

I first called Zac. 

“Hey Cass.” 

“I uh hate to do this but I’m going to be late.” 

“Everything okay?” 

“I was in the cooler and slipped, brought down half a shelf of stuff and she’s not letting me leave until it’s clean. It shouldn’t be forever but at least an hour, maybe hour and a half. I know you guys were working on something today but just tell them I’ll make it up to you and them tomorrow.” 

“It’s fine. Are you okay? You said you slipped.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“I’ll see you when you get here then.” 

I hung up and after patting myself dry I got whatever I would need and went back to the cooler. I listed everything that busted before I threw the bottles away. I worked as fast as I could, trying to not be too late to the studio because Taylor and Isaac were always pissy when things didn’t go right or on time. It was almost 2:15 before I had the walls and shelves wiped down and I was cleaning the floor. It was 2:45 before I was completely done and I sent Zac an update and then took the list to her office.

“I know you didn’t ask but I know you’ll need it.” 

“What happened?” 

I recanted the same story, I was pretty good at keeping my own lies straight.

“You know I can’t let it go, this is a lot of stuff Cassie.” 

“I know and it’s okay.”

“I won’t say that I fired you, I’ll put down that you quit for personal reasons. You need to tell your boyfriend in future jobs he needs to stay away.” 

“Thank you. I will.” 

“You’ll need to come pick up your last check in person and return the vest.” 

“I will.” 

I turned and got to the door.

“Cassandra you need to call the police on him the next time, before it gets to be too late.” 

I just left, it wouldn’t be the first time I’d heard it. I sent Zac a message and said I’d be there in a moment. I should go to the hotel and at least shower but I didn’t want to keep them waiting. Despite the fact that everything I had on was covered in soda or juice or something. Zac’s the one that opened the door.

“I made it.” 

He did look kind of shocked and confused. “I see. You smell like Dr. Pepper.” 

“Pepper, Coke, Sprite, I think maybe some Sunkist. I’m pretty sure there was milk in my hair.” 

“You know I wouldn’t have minded waiting until you showered and changed.” 

“I brought clean clothes to change into, had them in the car.” 

He stepped out of the way and I came in. “Go ahead and shower, he’s asleep and Taylor’s on a long call with Harper, another twenty minutes won’t kill them. There are some towels in there.” 

I headed to the bathroom, passing Jessica in the hallway.

“What the hell happened to you?” 

“Cooler explosion.”

There was a hodgepodge of hotel bottles of shampoo and conditioner, soaps and lotions. I was glad that I brought in a long sleeve because my arm hurt and it was bruising. I didn’t have clean shoes so I washed them off the best I could and just left my socks on. Zac was still in his office when I came in.

“Thanks, I now smell like some hotel combination of lavender, lilac and some scent I can’t identify…” 

“Least you don’t smell like soda. Why are your eyes so red?” 

“Soda to the face and eyes. I washed them out at the store but they’re still red. So, what were your plans the rest of the week?” 

“Well, Joshua goes to the doctor at 10 tomorrow, then whatever until we’re all here.”

“I can be here as early as you want and every day after. I did enough damage today to warrant being fired but she put me down as quitting.” 

“Just for an accident?” 

“It shouldn’t have happened. But really, it’s fine. I was considering it anyway.” 

He didn’t seem like he believed everything I said but he smiled at me. “None of us will complain if you get to be here more. Taylor and Isaac may give me a break.” 

“His two month visit right? For Joshua?” 

“Yeah. Um, I know he’ll be getting a lot of shots tomorrow. Is it possible if you come with me?” 

“I was actually about to ask if you wanted me to. At least I’ll know to watch him afterwards.” 

“Sure you’re okay?” 

“Yeah. I mean, little sore from the cascade of cans and stuff but I’m fine.” 

“Sore? Were you under the cans?” 

“Couple of them hit me. I’m fine though.” 

“If you get to hurting too bad let me know, I’ll cut it short if I have to.”

I smiled. “I will.” 

He headed to the studio and I laid back, Joshua was asleep and I just sat there. Oddly, the studio was safe. He couldn’t get inside here even if he tried but it meant I needed to change hotels tonight or first thing in the morning. My laptop and camera were still here, so I would just leave them. I tended to Joshua when he was awake, his screaming fits were still happening but not as badly. I was kind of relieved they called it an early night. It gave me time to drive around and then head to the hotel and check out and move to another hotel and get a bit settled, I didn’t bring in as much this time. I would have to make sure that he didn’t follow me and that none of his friends or family were. So, I may not stay here more than a few days. 

  


	11. Shots...

POV: Zac

 

August 10, 2006

I dressed Joshua in something they could easily get off, another sleeper. They had undressed him the last few times and I wanted to make it easier. He had thrown a conniption fit this morning and I was glad that the drive to the studio had calmed him down. 

It left me room to think about Cassandra, she had come in yesterday and while I did believe something happened, I was inclined to believe that a simple accident in the cooler was not the sole reason. However, I couldn’t verify the story because I had no idea what station she worked for. I arrived at the studio at 8:45 and went inside with him.

“I thought he had an appointment today.” Jess said.

“He does at ten, Cassie is going with me and I told her to just meet me here. Then when we get back we can jump right into work.” 

“Why would she need to go?” 

“Well, she is his babysitter and honestly Jess, she spends as much time with him as I do. She can meet the doctor and in the unlikely event I have to send him with her to the doctor then at least they’ll know her some.” 

“You don’t know her. Did you ever ask about her lack of social life?” 

“In fact, I did. She used to have accounts but after high school they became drama filled and she deleted them.”

“And the pictures she took?” 

“They’re on her laptop and I gave her permission to keep them on there as long as she doesn’t share them with anyone. Yes, Jessica I know she’s taken other pictures of him and of me and him. I’m fine as long as she doesn’t share them.” 

“What about her phone? She has pictures there too.”

“I gave her permission to keep a few on her phone. I even selected the ones she could keep on there. I don’t know why you distrust her so much but you need to move past this. No one else would and she was available.”

She snickered at me. “You hired the first person you came to that said yes. You have no background on her, do you even know her last name?” 

“Yes I do.” 

“Her address? Where she worked before here? Did you call this supposed daycare center to ask why she wasn’t there?”

“Jess.” I said.

“And that says you didn’t. Yet you wonder why we all frown on your decision.” 

I just went on to the office area, there was no point in arguing and while I hadn’t asked for any of that information I trusted her. I was a tad worried about her appearance and overall attitude yesterday but bad days happen. Yet, hers had lasted a few days. Cassie arrived at nine in a pair of pants, a pink t-shirt and a long-sleeve button up she had unbuttoned.

“Are you not hot?” 

“It’s um, hiding the round circles on my arm.” 

“Are they bad?” 

“They don’t look good, but the shirt is thin and as long as I don’t have to be outside for over like 10 minutes I should be fine.” 

She looked tired and stressed, but we left at 9:15 and were on time. She carried him while I checked him in and paid the co-payment. I informed her that I wanted her to go back because let’s face it, I was terrified of the shots. I didn’t particularly like needles myself and his last shot had been bad. When they called me she came with me and she took a seat in the corner, giving me the best view of the doctor. He went through the normal weight check, length and checked circumferences. I couldn’t believe he was up to twelve pounds. The doctor indicated that everything was normal from heart, breathing, weight, and length. He was progressing as he should. When it came time to get shots, they left the suit off. 

Cassie smiled. “You don’t like needles do you?” 

“Is it that obvious?” 

“Yes. You’re shaking a bit and you aren’t even the one getting them.” 

“I know they hurt and I just can’t…I don’t like that he has to get them.” 

“You’ll be fine Zac. If it bothers you so much I can hold him instead of you.” 

“You can?” 

“As much as it hurts me to know they hurt, I know they’re necessary.” 

I went with that idea but turns out neither of us held him really, they left him on the table and once they were done I got him but he just didn’t quiet down for me so I handed him to her and he was quiet within minutes.

“What am I doing wrong?” I asked.

The nurse giggled. “It’s the boobs, most babies find comfort there. It’s nothing you are doing wrong, Sir.” 

Cassie smiled. “I think it’s also because I’m not afraid of the needles.” 

“That could be it too. He maybe develop a low fever. If it gets too high go to the ER, he could be cranky, overly tired, not want to eat or eat less, and his legs could be tender, red and sore. There could also be some swelling in the shot areas.”

“Okay.” 

She looked at Cassandra and Joshua and then left the room. She got his clothes fixed.

“How about we grab lunch before we go back? I skipped breakfast.” 

“I had a granola bar on the way.” 

“Lunch it is then. Italian something you like?” 

“There isn’t much I don’t like. Did you bring his stroller?” 

“It’s in the truck still. Is it going to be okay for him?” 

“Yeah.” 

She carried him back out and once everyone was safe I drove to the nearest Italian place and we went in. She used the stroller but it was a hold me scene inside until after his bottle and he was asleep.

“So, are Taylor and Isaac happy that you can do more studio time now?” 

“I actually haven’t told them yet. I will this afternoon but I imagine they will. It’s been a slow process which is weird for us. Usually we do better and get things moving a lot sooner but not this time.” 

“Well, having Joshua kind of kinked your style there.” 

“Cramped everyone’s style really. I’ve been meaning to ask what your address was.” 

Jessica’s words were kind of haunting me I mean, what if she did take off? I had nothing but a name. But I saw the hesitation and the confusion. How could such a simple question show that type of emotion?

“I don’t have a permanent address beyond a Post Office box.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I’ve been switching between hotels for months, just trying to figure out if I wanted to stay in Tulsa or go to Florida with my parents.”

“Why?” 

“Does anyone want to go home after leaving home? They didn’t really approve of my move and I just…I guess I’m not ready to admit they were right yet. Don’t you ever worry about needing to go back home?” 

“Not really. I kind of like having my own place but I mean I was living with my parents still until this year.” 

“I know this may be an out of line question and if so, just pretend I never asked. Why does your family ignore him? Why do they constantly ride you about your decisions?” 

I blinked, I hadn’t really thought anyone would pick up on how they were with him or me. I guess I should have because they weren’t really that overt.

“It’s pretty plain to anyone that pays attention Zac. Taylor, Isaac, and Jessica never come to the office to see, play with, or talk to him, nor do they ever want to feed him or change him. I know I’m there for that but usually family members want to also. When your parents come by they stop and see him but it’s not the same as I’ve seen in others. The only time they really interact with him is when you’re there and honestly that seems…..fake to me? Not that I have any right to judge it but it seems like the only person in your family that loves him is you.” 

Cassandra was a quiet person, she rarely interjected or voiced an opinion unless asked. But clearly, just because she was quiet and didn’t talk a lot there, didn’t mean she wasn’t paying attention. The waiter brought the plates which gave me a chance to think about what to say. I couldn’t simply ignore her because she really had caught on quickly.

“I don’t doubt they love him, but a lot of their problems aren’t with him per se but me and the choices I made earlier and before he was born. I really don’t want to talk about how he was created or the circumstances around that, but when I found out she was pregnant I chose to take responsibility.”

She smiled. “I know how babies are made Zac, I am not that inexperienced.” 

I felt the blush creep into my face. “I didn’t..I didn’t think you didn’t. I just meant that I didn’t want to talk about the circumstances and events around it.”

“Understandable.” 

“She isn’t in the picture now and she was doing drugs when she was pregnant with him.” 

“That’s horrible!” 

“I filed an injunction which put her in rehab. But, they are that way not because of that but because of the decisions I made. I learned about him in January and I took steps to ensure I got to see him and eventually I got full custody. Honestly, I probably should have considered things like the band and all, but at the time it was wanting what was best for him. Everyone else thinks what was best was adoption.” 

“But you didn’t believe it was?” 

“No. I feared that he wouldn’t be adopted out quickly and would be raised in some state run facility. I didn’t know any couples that wanted children so I crossed it off. It was my mistake that created him and that plays into things with Isaac and I.” 

Her brow raised. “I’ll ignore that for now, but I sense more to that story.” 

“Basically they think every decision I make is wrong. Taylor and Isaac were pissed off when I told them I requested full custody, they were pissed about me not considering the time and the band.” 

“Well, kind of can’t blame them there. You are part of the band and kind of irreplaceable. I can understand their issues with you but why take it out on him?” 

“They do interact with him when it’s just me.” 

“But again to me that seems kind of forced. But, again, it’s really none of my business. I just wondered because he’s so sweet and reminds me so much of you that I couldn’t imagine why they had a problem with him. It’s just weird.” 

I shrugged. “It’s how they are. I wish they were different really, I mean the reason I needed any kind of sitter is that no one in the family would help me. My aunt provided someone one week before the show but they could only work a specific time frame, then she left him with you and I’m just glad you were someone honest. I tried daycare but the hours were super strict. They don’t even like that I hired you but you fit with the schedule.” 

“Even more now.”

I smiled. “But don’t let me overwork you, we tend to get obsessive.” 

“I am fully aware of that.” 

We finished lunch and headed back to the studio, Joshua was getting a bit cranky on the drive and she took him to the office and I went to find them. 

“Cassie must be off today.” Taylor said.

“Actually, she left the first job. She’s here whenever we need her.” 

“That’s a plus for us.” 

“Yeah. Anyway, I don’t know how Joshua is going to be he got shots today. So, let’s get whatever we can done.” 

We got several things done and about 4:30 I went to check on Joshua. I had heard him crying earlier but she hadn’t sent me a message. I came into and paused at the door, the lights in the office were off but there was light coming in the door but I leaned against the frame.

Cassandra had the chair leaned back and she was curled up asleep, I guess she was tired too. But Joshua wasn’t in his pack n play, he was laying right beside her, curled up next to her, her arm was behind him cradling him and he can’t slide down because of her legs. I couldn’t resist taking a picture of them. 

“What are you doing?” Isaac asked.

“He’s asleep with her.” 

“And you took a picture?” 

“He’s my son Ike.” 

“But she’s not your daughter Zac, she’s just the sitter.” 

“I know.” 

I didn’t care, I kept the couple I took and then pulled the door closed, but left them alone. We ordered pizza for dinner and by then both Cassandra and Joshua were awake. We did call it quits kind of early tonight though because everyone was tired. I got him settled in bed and then me. 


	12. Pieces Of Me

POV: Cassandra

 

August 12, 2006

I had intentionally avoided Saphira because I knew she would have questions about what she saw at the store and I really didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t answer her calls or texts but she was threatening to come to the studio and bang on the door until someone let her in or brought me to her. I knew if she did that it would just irritate or piss off Zac’s brothers and I wanted to avoid that. I’d been coming in at 10 instead of three which gave them extra time to do whatever was needed.

“Saphira is nagging me for some time, I know she can’t come here but is it okay to meet her somewhere?” 

“Depends on where.” He said.

“I’ll do someplace close, one of the restaurants, coffee shops or even the park. I wouldn’t ask but you know, Joshua would have to come too.” 

“I know why you’re asking, you don’t really need to as long as I know you won’t be here. I don’t want you to feel like this is some prison and I know you get bored.” 

I shrugged. “I’ve got enough books to last and it won’t be long before he’s much more active and wanting to play more.” 

“I don’t mind, same rules apply.”

I smiled at him and finally replied, telling her to meet me at Gunthrie Green at 11. She said she’d be there and I had better be because she knew 3CG wasn’t far. I went ahead and got what I needed for Joshua, two bottles but I doubted I’d need both of them because I wasn’t going to keep him out that long in the heat. I got a drop cloth so I could lay him down and then made sure his diaper bag had formula, diapers, and clean clothes. I finally got the stroller and he seemed excited!

I went out the front door and made sure it locked behind me, then walked casually down to the park. It was nice to be outside and have the freedom to walk a bit and move around. I found a spot at the park with thick grass and spread the drop cloth before putting his blanket down and laying him there.

He seemed so confused for a moment but then so excited to see something new and different.

“I guess even you get tired of those same walls and that same room.” 

He smiled at me and I did get several pictures because I could, as long as Zac knew about them. I was early and she found me quickly.

“Really Cassie? I kind of meant without him.” 

“Well, tough. They’re recording and working on plans so I brought him.”

She sat down having worn shorts and a tank top, total difference for me in pants and a thin long sleeve blouse. My arm was getting better, but there was still a bruise there and honestly Taylor and Isaac didn’t need to interrogate me over it.

“Zac know he’s with you?” 

“He’s given me basic freedom as long as he knows I won’t be there. I figure this is far enough and it’s public and open, besides Joshua and I both get tired of the same four walls.”

“I don’t know how you do that anyway.” 

I shrugged. I was use to being confined in a room, I just didn’t want her to know that.

“You know why we’re here. I saw him Cassie. He’s the reason everything fell and I told Peggy that. Why did you leave anyway?” 

I tickled Joshua some and got a grin and his feet kicking. 

“He wouldn’t have stopped coming there and causing problems Saphira. Eventually it would have been worse, and I knew that. He wouldn’t like come kill anyone but I mean just general stuff. Like Tuesday, constantly talking while I was at the register or interrupting when I’m on the floor.”

“Who is he?” 

“Calvin, he’s my ex.” 

“The high school guy that changed?” 

“Yes.”

“Tell me about him.” 

Joshua was gazing around and even playing with the few toys I had brought.

“Calvin and I met in October of 2000, I was 16 and he was 19, almost 20. We met at a local college in Oklahoma City, he was taking classes there in construction and engineering and I was there taking a few advanced classes, nothing major though. We saw each other for a few months and then he asked me out.”

“He’s older than you?” 

“Yeah, he was born in September 1980. You know mine, so almost four years. He wanted to get married when I was 17 but my parents said no, so we didn’t. After I graduated though he changed.” 

“He changed how?” 

“Well, he was polite and always a gentleman when I was in school. After school he seemed to not care anymore. He wouldn’t hold doors for me, I was stupid if I didn’t know something, it was just a shift. I moved here with him in August of 2002. I was excited to be here because of Hanson but also it’s different. I wanted to take classes in photography but financially we couldn’t afford it.” 

“You moved here with him?” 

“Yes. He was really okay for a bit but then things began to happen. He’d push me or a prank would end with me having bruises, I didn’t think much about it until 2003, he bought me this really revealing outfit for Valentines but I wasn’t feeling good. That was the first time it didn’t feel like a prank or a joke, it was the first time he really intended to hurt me and did.” 

“Why didn’t you leave Cassie?” 

“I couldn’t Saphira, my parents didn’t even want me to see him. I didn’t want to go home and admit they were right.” 

“Honey, they wouldn’t have minded.” 

“It’s not how I thought Saphira.” 

“You stayed with him? How long?” 

“I left when I got the job at the store.” 

“You were there for over four years?” 

“Yes. He kept getting worse and he started bringing other girls in, told me it was his right as a man. That was pretty much all I could take so I saved up and left. It’s why I change hotels, it’s why I worked whatever she wanted. My plan was to save money to go home, to go to my parents in Florida.”

“Cassandra if you want to go home I will give you whatever you need to get there. I’d rather you be safe and away from this prick.” 

I looked down at Joshua playing and then back at her. “I can’t.” 

“Cassie he’s not yours. Zac can find someone else to watch him. Your safety is paramount to Joshua right now.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe Zac can’t. I know that he would find a suitable replacement for me but I just…there is something about Joshua that I can’t place and I can’t walk away from him.”

“I’m not understanding this Cassie. Your ex is bothering you and eventually he will figure out that you work for him. What do you think he’s going to do? He clearly has no problem hurting you, Joshua isn’t his Cassie. What if he hurts him?” 

“He won’t come here. He hates Hanson, literally hates them. He will drive every street in Tulsa but these. For some reason he just doesn’t like them. I’ve been here four years with him and only once did he bring me to this area. I got the feeling that either someone in their family or they know has a problem with him. If he gets super desperate then yes he may come here. But come on Saphira, when I went to the show in July I didn’t expect to ever actually meet them. Let alone be caring for his son.” 

“That is true. Why can’t you walk away from him though? Is your safety not important?” 

I considered her question and because Joshua was getting fussy I went ahead and made his bottle, got him comfortable in my lap and started to feed him. It was hard to describe how I felt connected to him. How I felt it the first night and how it hadn’t gone away.

“I can’t explain it Saphira. I just feel connected to him.” 

She glared at me and waited. “Come on, you can trust me Cassie. You want to tell me but you just won’t.” 

I looked down at Joshua who was content staring up at me, I didn’t want to go back to that place but maybe it would help her understand. 

“I left him in early 2004, went to my parent’s in the city, it was before they moved. While I was there I got this really bad headache, didn’t know why and my mom was worried that he’d hit me and done something so she took me the doctor. It was his fault but not because he hit me. I was pregnant. Months along and hadn’t even noticed.”

She frowned as it wasn’t hard to guess what happen. “You miscarried?” 

“Six months, I was due in June. Joshua was born in June, the 10 th actually, and I was due the seventh. There was no explanation for what happened, I was fine before and I came home he promised to be different and to be better, do counseling. I went in for my five month check up and everything was fine. Two weeks later I had some fairly bad bleeding so I went back, they couldn’t find a heartbeat anymore.”

“Honey Joshua is not that baby.” 

“No, I had a little girl in February 2004.”

“Wait…you..” 

“Six months is not considered a miscarriage but a stillborn. His mother had them do a D and E, basically they dilated me and removed her. I never got to see her or hold her, they just told me the gender.”

She scooted over. “Hand him to me.” 

“I’m fine Saphira. Holding him doesn’t hurt.”

“How could you be around kids after that?” 

“Well, Calvin blamed me. Told me I must have done something wrong to cause it. It’s the only time that his hitting me put me in a hospital. He broke my lower arm, when I was released I went back to work with his mom and I asked her to put me anywhere but with the newborns and that’s where she put me.”

“I hate her and I’ve never met her.” 

“He wanted another baby but it never happened.” 

“He sounds like a complete jackass and it sounds like you not getting pregnant again was a good thing.” 

I nodded, Joshua had finished his bottle so I lifted him up and got a good burp from him. I then sat him down in my lap, letting my arms support him and I held one of the larger toys, letting him play. I know she got my phone for the picture.

“I sent that one to Zac. Seriously Cassandra, if you want to go home then I will make sure you get there.”

“No. I think that I was supposed to be there the first. That I was supposed to be in that spot and to watch him. I didn’t know he’d call back but I was the last person he called. So, it kind of feels like I was supposed to be here for some reason. Maybe only to help Zac get through this.” 

“I’m just saying if you want to, then I will make sure you get there. Are you okay though? I know cans and bottles hit you.” 

“Couple of bruises on my side and hip, but nothing major. Is Peggy okay?” 

“She told me she suspected it was something else because you’re too careful usually. She’s disappointed but she kind of understands. I mean he came back the next day, same time.” 

“What happened?” 

“She told him she fired you and that she had no idea where you were.” 

“I’ve been moving hotels, using fake names, paying cash, I mean everything to avoid being found.” 

She smiled at me and tickled Joshua who smiled at her and moved more. 

“First time I’ve seen him in just a onesie.” 

“His pants are in the bag, the studio is a bit cooler with the air on so I leave them on there. But it’s warm out here.” 

“Can you tell me anything about their new album?” 

“Nope. Signed a confidentiality agreement. Taylor and Isaac wouldn’t let me stay without one.” 

“Damn them! They haven’t always been my favorite but when you started working there I pulled up their last album.” 

“I mean I don’t really hear much of what they’re working on, just the drums. I spend most of the day in the office, bored.” 

“Take him to some parks sometimes. If you don’t want to go alone then I can meet you there on off days.” 

“I may take you up on that offer. He doesn’t mind and I guess if I had to go farther away then he’d tell me to use the truck.” 

She smiled. “Do you still see him as just the boss?” 

“You are fucking evil for that. He is just my boss because I don’t think he wants more now. He doesn’t seem to see me as anything but Joshua’s sitter.” 

“That’s because you don’t entice him any.” 

I just smiled, I didn’t want to entice anyone at this point. 

“You and I should go out sometime. But, you’re like always working!”

“I know, I know! I can talk to Zac and see if they can arrange an afternoon off on the weekend. Not sure he can or when.” 

“No problem. But you have noticed him, huh?” 

“Yes. I noticed him. But, again, I just don’t see him as more than just my boss.” 

Joshua yawned big and she smiled. “Someone is sleepy.” 

“Someone needs a clean diaper before he falls asleep.” 

I changed him in the stroller so he could remain there, I did cover him up with the thinner blanket and went ahead and put things up. She and I moved to the benches and I could gently roll him back and forth.

“We have a pool house and I can talk to my parents about you staying there.” 

“I’m fine with the hotels, private and I can come and go whenever.” 

“I’m just worried he may find you.” 

“He won’t. He hasn’t in months and now that I’m usually inside here I should be even better.”

“Well, if you need anything call me. I will help you.” 

“Thanks.” 

My phone buzzed me and I got it. 

**_That is adorably cute. Having fun?_ **

_Yes. He’s asleep now. I should be back before his next bottle, it’s heating up pretty quickly._

**_No rush – enjoy the breeze._ **

I laid it down beside me. “No fan issues?” 

“Not since our first run in. I’m not really around them so it makes it easy. When I am near potential fans he’s usually not around. Like now.” 

We talked another hour before I headed to the studio, it was getting too warm outside and Joshua was showing it, he was moving more and being whiney. The walk back was peaceful and I used my new alarm code to get inside the studio. I made sure the door shut, sent Zac a message letting him know I was back and then went to the office. Since he’d fallen back asleep I left him alone and sat down. 

I had considered what Calvin would do if he caught up with me and Joshua was with me, but I felt very confident that he wouldn’t show up. At least not when I had him. I got a bag of chips and snacked, waiting on him to want another bottle. After that feeding we played a while, he was fond of smiling and oftentimes made squealing noises. They did Subway for lunch, I stuck with a salad from there and as was customary, Zac ate in here with me.

“Did you and Saphira have a good conversation?” 

“We did. She took a selfie and posted it, said she tagged you.” 

“I got one yes, she didn’t include Joshua which was the only reason Ike looked at it.”

“She made sure before she posted it, cropped out the handle.”

“That was a cute one of him though, not a bad one of you either.” 

I actually paused, had he just commented that a picture of me wasn’t bad? 

“I usually hate pictures of me, but sometimes someone captures a really good one.” 

“It was a good one.”

I was shocked that he’d complimented the photo of me. Yet, he didn’t seem interested beyond that, which was unrealistic for me to assume anyway, he hired me after all. He cared to an extent I am sure but if I screwed up with Joshua he would replace me. 

After dinner and his bottle I got his tub and bathed him well. Zac usually did in the mornings but he had been running late today so I figured I would. I let him play a bit before getting him out. I dried him off and applied lotion and then redressed him in warm pajamas. After his nine pm bottle I laid him down and even laid down myself, he often woke up around midnight and sometimes Zac woke me up sooner if they cut out sooner. 


	13. Friendly Times

POV: Zac

 

August 14, 2006; Monday

Cassie had been off yesterday and I gave her today also, because we weren’t going to be at the studio today. She said it was fine, she’d hang out with Saphira. Isaac was watching Avery for our parents and Taylor and Harper were visiting her parents for the day. Since I knew I’d have all day, while I was at Paul’s second birthday party yesterday I asked Clayton if he’d have some time today for lunch so we can catch up. I asked about a father son lunch type deal, but Abigail was off and she was taking him to her parents house for the day. He agreed.

Clayton and I hadn’t really been able to hang out like old times because he was busy and we were busy, so little moments were nice. The early part of my morning was spent cleaning up and washing clothes. Joshua needed clean blankets and I needed clean pants, cuz while he didn’t care that Daddy was walking around in underwear, others might. 

The temperature was warm enough that I just dressed him in a blue onesie, I however did include pants in his diaper bag. I also went ahead and stocked it and then made sure I didn’t need to come by the store for formula and diapers. I was actually early for our 11:30 appointment. But, it gave me time to get him settled in the stroller and even get a table.

“Damn you were on point this morning.” 

“Totally, because I’ve already washed a load of clothes, cleaned up, and showered both of us.” 

“Damn dude, domestic stuff was never your strong point.” 

“Well, I figured you wanted me to wear pants today or shorts or something.” 

“Uh, yes pants or something is good. Little man there is not so little anymore. Noticed yesterday.” 

I had him in my lap now because it was close to feeding time for him.

“He has gotten bigger, up to almost twelve pounds and gained two inches.” 

I gave him his bottle and the waiter got the drink orders and our pizza order too. It got quiet before he cleared his throat and I glanced up at him.

“You know when you told me that she was pregnant and you were filing for full custody, I really didn’t think that it was a good idea.” 

“I am aware of that Clayton, you didn’t really keep that a secret. No one did because no one thinks it was a good idea.” 

“Yeah, but I was wrong.”

I blinked, nearly dropped the bottle. Clayton had never been one to admit to being wrong, so his statement kind of floored me. I really didn’t think I heard him right.

“Did you just admit to being wrong?!”

“Trust me, it’s hard to say. But, I saw you with him yesterday and how you are with him. I think you really have done a great job so far. He’s happy, he’s healthy, you’re taking good care of him. You clearly love him. Despite the issues with no one wanting to help you, you have found someone that is capable. Paul was hard for me at that age and I had help from Abigail and her family and mine.” 

“No one said it has been easy, the lack of sleep is probably the hardest to deal with. The colic is better but he still wakes up at least once a week screaming for hours.”

“He’ll grow out of that though.”

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Have you been able to watch anything sports wise?” 

“Not really, catch me up.” 

He caught me up on our favorite teams, during the conversation Joshua finished, got burped and Clayton held him for a little bit, until the pizza arrived. He then laid him in the stroller and he drifted off. We ate quietly.

“So, you’ve employed Cassie for a while now. I know Taylor and Isaac weren’t thrilled, how are they now?” 

I finished chewing and swallowing, before I looked at him. 

“Well, they basically hate that she is there. Despite the fact that she has for the most part not violated anything they’ve not wanted her to do. She doesn’t go into their offices, she doesn’t come into the studio, she basically stays in my office, the kitchen or the bathroom. I don’t understand it Clayton, they complained about the woman my aunt sent over because she wouldn’t work the late afternoon, she had to be gone by 4 or 5 and the daycare was before six. Cassie has no restraints on the hours that I need her. All day? 16 to 18 hours?”

“They are just being dicks.” 

“It’s not just the fact she is there, they don’t like her.”

He looked perplexed and confused, which mirrored my own feelings concerning that aspect.

“What do you mean they don’t like her?” 

“Mom and Dad told me to fire her and put him in a real daycare center or sign the adoption papers. Jessica thinks there is something wrong because she doesn’t have any social media accounts, which I asked about and Cassie said that after high school they just were drama filled, so she deleted them. Basically, everyone says I should fire her.”

He took a sip of his drink. “Do you have any concerns about her watching him? She doesn’t scream at him, hasn’t hit him, feeds him, all the good stuff?” 

“Clayton, I let her take him out of the studio on her own. If I thought she was hurting him or not caring for him in any way, I never would have done that.”

“She signed a confidentiality paper right?” 

“First day, she overheard them bitching about it and when I went to ask she said she’d sign it. She doesn’t mess with anything unless I ask her to, I’ve tested her on that. Left stuff on the desk and it’s in the same spot when I come back.” 

“Well, they’re just being stupid about that then. It would be different if she was mistreating him somehow, I’ve only seen her once and that was briefly she was feeding him then. If she’s taking care of him, then ignore your family.” 

“Speaking of, I have pictures of Joshua for you.” 

I got them from the diaper bag, I’d put them in a cardboard envelope to keep them protected from being bent. I handed them to him and he opened it and pulled out the pictures. I’d included a 8x10 of my favorite shot of him, one of the ones of him in the crate, the lake was behind him and it was just perfect. 

“These are really good, where did you take these?” 

“Cassandra took them at the LaFortune golf course when he was six weeks. She edited them all first before showing me the really good ones, I included smaller ones of some of the others.” 

“She did an amazing job, I may have to see if she can take some of Paul.”

He kept looking at them and came to the ones of me and him.

“I assume she took these too?” 

“She did, later that afternoon. She said I had to.” 

“These close up shots of him are so good, added the ones of you and Joshua are too. The right poses and you gave me the right one, the one of you holding him up with the light behind you. Perfect.” 

“I didn’t print off the ones of his feet and hands. Dude she made me take my shoes off.” 

“Why?” He asked.

I pulled up the folder on my phone and handed it to him.

“She wanted feet pictures apparently, I tried to dissuade her.” 

He laughed. “Are the others on here?” 

“Yeah, right or left. I promise no porn.” 

I ate another slice of pizza while he browsed and I noticed he paused several times at different pictures.

“Did I lie about the porn? I swear I didn’t put anything in that folder.” 

“No nudes, just…”

He turned my phone around to the picture of Cassandra and Joshua asleep last week after his appointment.

“You did tell her about this one right?”

“Not yet…” 

He flipped a few more and turned it around. “Guessing this was your idea too.” 

The one of us on the steps at the park.

“Maybe..” 

“Zac.” 

“What? They’re just pictures Clayton. How many exist of us?” 

“Are you sure that’s all this is? You have a lot of her and I don’t see any of Maddi.” 

“Maddilyn has a boyfriend now Clayton. I left hers in there until I saw them.” 

“She does?” 

“Yes. I saw her a few weeks ago at the store with him. Apparently Taylor and Isaac knew but didn’t bother to tell me. Nice way to find out really, no warning. I guess I kept them in the phone because I thought maybe she would come back after some time.”

He tilted his head to the side.

“Come on Zac.” 

“Really Clayton, when she told me she was done, I really didn’t believe she meant forever. Then when I told her about Joshua and that it was real she said she needed time. But, deep down I guess I knew in November. Seeing her with someone else kind of made it real.” 

“So, what about Cassandra?” 

“What about her?” 

“Come on Zac, you have pictures of her on your phone including some of her alone. I can excuse the ones with Joshua but alone? Are you…seeing more in her?”

“More?” I asked.

“You mean to tell me the girl stays in your office basically every day, all day and not once have you thought anything x-rated about her?”

“No. I haven’t. She’s the babysitter.” 

“And how many men get their asses handed to them because of the babysitter? Come on.” 

“I don’t see her that way.” 

“Does she you?” 

I raised an eyebrow. “Doubtful. Why would she want me Clayton? I’ve basically destroyed my entire life in one night.” 

“But she’s not judging you, she’s not telling you it was a mistake, she doesn’t care that you have him.” 

“She also doesn’t know how I got him. She just knows that I messed up and he’s the result. I didn’t tell her who his mom was, how I knew her or anything.” 

“I’m just saying, she isn’t bad looking. She gets along with Joshua..” 

“Clayton.” 

He just smiled at me and finished his last slice, I finished eating too. 

“So, I have a question for you. Since you seem to not hate Cassie.” 

“What’s up?” 

“We have a trip to Africa coming up. We’ll be gone for three weeks. I was thinking about asking Cassie to keep him while we’re gone. I’d let her stay at my house so she has access to all of his things.” 

“Do you trust her that much? To stay at your house with him alone for three weeks?” 

“Well, Harper is going with us and my parents won’t watch him. I can’t ask you, your hands are full with Paul and you work. So, she’s like my only option. I could take him but I’m not sure if he can fly that long or if he’ll be fine there. I’d still need a sitter there too. It’ll be cheaper for me to let her stay here.” 

“Have you asked her?” 

“No. My plan was to call her after this and talk to her.”

He sat back and he was thinking about it.

“On one hand I think it’s a bad decision because you don’t know her that well, but you do have a plus in that she is familiar with Joshua and I think she would agree. I’m not sure how you’d compensate her for three weeks of round the clock, that would be super expensive by the hour.” 

“Yeah, I guess I need to think about that and see what would be best compensation wise. She refused to let me pay her more than nine an hour. Even though I wanted to go higher.” 

“Nine isn’t bad though, she seems fair. Polite, nice, cute.” 

“Clayton! Come on now.” 

“Just saying…”

I shook my head and it wasn’t long after that that we headed our separate ways. I had to go get some things from the store but I waited there until after his three pm bottle, then we headed to the store. I was again picking out formula when I got a text from Cassie.

**_You are for sure not going to need me until around 10-12 tomorrow, right?_ **

_Yep. Tay and Ike both said about 11. But, I know we’ll do the return calls and stuff first. We plan to start working on the recordings at 1._

**_Saphira is begging me to go out with her tonight to some dance place, idk where really._ **

_There are a few places in town, should be fine and if you need to be later just let me know asap._

**_I don’t plan to get drunk, just she is nagging :\_ **

_I’m sure you’ll have fun. You deserve fun!_

I got a smiley in return and then nothing after that. I went ahead and got what I needed and we headed home. There wasn’t a time where I could really go out with anyone without taking Joshua. Once home he napped and I washed more clothes and got them put up, then fixed a microwave meal about seven. I sat down with him for a while after that but at nine he got his bottle and then it was bedtime. I laid him in the crib and I watched some TV. Wasn’t like I ever got to watch much TV.

I was considering going to bed when I got a twitter notification, not unnormal really, fans tweeted us all the time. What little bit I saw indicated a Z, so it was for me apparently. But, I really didn’t expect what it was. It was from Saphira and it was a picture. The message above was simple _‘Z-plz tell her the outfit is fine!’_

I swallowed. The picture was of Cassie, she had her hair down and by the look on her face she really didn’t want to take the picture. She was wearing what looked like a sleeved bathing suit that was navy and it had a bit of a dip in the collar. She was wearing white shorts with it but there was a good inch or two of skin showing on her hips on both sides. She was wearing simple white sandals. 

It was like a flush of heat spread through my body and I tried to suppress the thoughts that came because I didn’t need to see her that way. I also couldn’t reply on twitter because then the world would see it so I went to her last text.

_Saphira is quite sneaky – but she is right Cassie, the outfit is fine. :- )_

I didn’t get a reply from her and honestly I was okay with that, because that one image was bad enough and the erection wasn’t going to go away without help. Yet, I felt incredibly weird being in here with my son so I decided a nice cold shower could help. 

As I crawled back into my comfy bed I was reminded that it was empty and cold, but while Clayton’s words were there it just wasn’t possible. She was his babysitter and that was all.

**Outfit Inspiration came from : Fifth Harmony's "Work" music video. One of the ladies wore a suit similiar with pants instead of shorts**


	14. The Picture

POV: Zac / Cassie 

  

August 15, 2006

I sent Cassie a message early and asked her to meet me for lunch at an Italian place across town. I wanted to talk to her about watching Joshua during the Africa trip and how much she would want as fair compensation for having him all the time for three weeks. I was nervous about seeing her though it was weird, I think it was the picture because while I wasn’t going to save it, I had. I was at the place early and went ahead and got a table. I felt like I was spending most of my life in restaurants now a days.

I had asked her for noon but Joshua was already done eating and back in the stroller asleep before I saw her come in. She’d worn pants and a grey t-shirt, her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. I’d never really seen her as more than just my employee, someone to watch Joshua while we worked. She walked to the table and slid into the booth across from me.

“Sorry, I didn’t know where this place was and got lost.”

“It’s okay.” 

I’d never really taken the time to look at her, her eyes were such a pretty blueish grey and her lips seemed to have this permanent pink color and I was vaguely aware that my tongue ran across my own. Shit. I scooted a little closer to the table. I would have to not think about that and I really didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable around me.

“I uh..want to apologize for Saphira. She was a little drunk when she sent the tweet. I didn’t think she really was going to.” 

“No problem, I just couldn’t reply there.” 

“What was up with your message? What did she even say?” 

“She asked me to tell you the outfit was fine. It really was fine.” 

I saw the pink hit her face quickly. “Um…what picture did she tweet? She told me she did one of my face.” 

I could have showed her the picture I had saved, but that would admit that I saved it to my phone and that might seem a little weird to her. So, I brought up the one from twitter and showed her.

“Oh my god I’m going to kill her.” 

The light pink darkened to a dark shade of red and I smiled.

“Cassandra, you really did look good in the outfit. Don’t feel bad that she tweeted it.” 

The waiter came over and it kind of broke that train of conversation. We both ordered and they refilled my soda and got her tea.

“So, I did have a business reason to having you come here.” 

“Okay.” 

“I forgot about a certain trip next month and Isaac reminded me last week. I fretted for a few days on what to do and I wanted to ask you before I really made any decisions.” 

“Okay, what kind of trip?” 

“My brothers and I are going to South Africa for three weeks.” 

She blinked and she looked kind of worried. “Three weeks?” 

“Yes. But, the reason I wanted to talk to you was about him. I can take him with me but I don’t know the area and while Harper is going with us, they will not watch him. So, I wanted to know if you would keep him for three weeks for me. I know you are in a hotel so if you are okay watching him then you can stay at my house. Everything you need for him is there already.” 

If I thought she looked worried before the sheer shock on her face was so much worse. I was going to be fucked if she didn’t agree to watch him because well, I didn’t have any other options really but to hire someone else for those weeks. I trusted Cassie. But she looked so stunned and shocked.

“I…I don’t know Zac. You won’t even be in the country, what if something happens to him?” 

“I would imagine that I would have to sign something to give you permission or temporary guardianship so if he needs to see a doctor or an emergency occurs you can have him treated.”

She took a few sips of her drink. “I really don’t know about that.” 

“If you want take the rest of the week to think about it. I don’t have a lot of options right now and I don’t have a lot of people that I trust that have the time to watch him. You’d have your own room there, whole house to yourself.” 

“I will have to think about that because I just don’t know.” 

“That’s fine and I understand, it’s a long time. If you do decide to accept it then I need to know what you think a fair compensation for those three weeks is and we can certainly talk about it once you decide.” 

She nodded, some of the redness fading from her cheeks. But the number of images in my own head weren’t giving me much relief. I was glad the food arrived because it was a good distraction.

“Aside from the tweeting, did you have a good time?” I asked.

“I did a little bit.” 

“A little bit?” I asked.

“Well, I’m not use to partying like she does and I certainly wasn’t use to that outfit. She had me come over to her house and she dressed me up. I’m just glad I talked her out of the thong leotard she begged me to wear.” 

I nearly choked on my bite of food as that image came to me. Perfect. Fuck.

“I can understand that. But you were suppose to have some fun.” 

“I did, I mean it wasn’t a total flop I just felt kind of uncomfortable. I’m not a party person, I never have been. Few drinks, maybe a dance or two and that was my fun. But, it was like every guy was staring and I just didn’t feel comfortable. The two shots was my limit and that didn’t help much.” 

“Well, if it helps Joshua and I had a rousing afternoon of laundry and boring TV.” 

“See, that’s my idea of a good night.” 

Clearly Joshua heard her voice because he woke up and was whiney, I got him but he kept whining so she got him from me, thankfully I didn’t have to get up. He seemed so comfortable in her arms and clearly he was reading my mind, because I think all he wanted was to be close to the breasts. My brain had to move away from this train of thought!

We finished up our lunch and I got the check.

“You want me to take him?” 

“Na, I got him.”

I did take the stroller myself and just let her carry him and I tried my damnest not to let my eyes drop from her shoulder blades down to her ass but they didn’t listen. I was rather glad when I caught up, she was following me to the car but I slowed. I could see her walking toward me with him.

“Zachary?” She asked.

“Hi Maddilyn. Neil.” 

He gave me a brief head nod and a handshake. “Is it really good here? First time coming.” 

“It is, it’s very good. How are you?” I asked.

“I’m good, um why are you pushing an empty stroller, surely you didn’t leave him inside.” 

“No, um..” 

I turned around and found Cassandra standing behind me, an unreadable look on her face.

“No, I have him.”

I turned in time to see Maddilyn see her and I swear there was a glimmer of sadness in her eyes. But she smiled.

“I uh, didn’t know you were here with someone.” 

“I’m Cassandra, just the babysitter. You are Maddilyn, right?” 

“I am, yes.” 

_Just the babysitter…_ those words seemed to roll around in my head and remind that she really was just his sitter. Cassie moved up some but as Maddilyn shook her hand she held it a second.

“Do I know you? I mean, I don’t remember seeing you but you clearly know me.” 

“There is a picture of you on his desk, I asked who you were.”

Neil’s expression kind of turned sour but Maddilyn seemed a little shocked. 

“I’m going to get us a table honey, you want your usual drink?” 

“Please. I’ll be right in.” She said. 

Neil passed us and headed inside and Cassandra smiled at me. “I uh… I’m just going to put him in his car seat.” 

She then smiled at Maddilyn and headed to the truck. I could see her getting in the back and I knew she’d sit there with him. 

“Picture of me on your desk? Still?” 

“I said I understood you wouldn’t be coming back, I never said I gave up hope Maddilyn.”

She turned to the truck and back. “You sure about that?”

“She’s his babysitter Maddi. Because no one else would.”

“You don’t have to justify it to me Zac. I can’t stop you from moving on, you deserve to be happy too. Even if it’s not with me.” 

“I guess Neil doesn’t like me too much.” 

“Neil isn’t you and it doesn’t mean that he will be who I end up with. We’re just seeing where it goes. Anyway, I should get inside and you should probably get to the truck.” 

We said our byes and I headed to the truck.

“I didn’t mean to make that awkward.” 

“You didn’t, it would have been awkward with or without you here.” 

“I was waiting so he wouldn’t be screaming.” 

“It’s fine. I’m headed right to the studio from here.” 

“Okay.” 

She put him in the car seat and strapped him in and then went to her car, why did I have to watch her walk to the car?

I closed the door and glanced back at Joshua. “You are one lucky guy.”

He just gave me smiles like he knew he was. I got back to the studio at the same time she did and I got him inside and in the office. I left her there with him and went to find them, maybe I just needed to beat the hell out of my drum set today!

“Let’s work on Tearing It Down.” 

They both looked up but didn’t question it.

**-Cassandra-**

It was close to three so I went ahead and made his bottle and he was content to have it a little bit early. I was aware that Maddilyn wasn’t his mother but I could see it in her eyes, she wished she was. Not that I could blame her, clearly she had loved him but she was with that other guy now. When Joshua was done he got a clean diaper and a good burp and then he yawned.

“What? No play time today? So rude.” 

I did keep him up just a bit, but when his hands rubbed his eyes, I cuddled with him and he fell right asleep. I got my phone, not wanting anyone to hear my words I used my texting skills.

_Why the ever-loving hell did you send that picture to him?!?!?!?!_

**_;- ) trying to make him see YOU!!! Did it work?!?!_ **

_Sure Saphira, if you mean he can’t be around me without sporting some issues. He doesn’t need to see me as anything but his employee. He still loves his ex-girlfriend and she loves him. I am NOT putting myself in that!_

**_Give him some time Cass, he’ll see you and hey, sporting issues isn’t bad. You said the other night you could use a good night…he’s right there._ **

_No. No. No. No! That’s not what I want._

What I wanted was for someone to truly love me, for someone to be there and not be anything like Calvin. 

**_You confessed dear Cassie that you thought about it. Well, now you know he is too. You’re welcome! Enjoy it. You don’t have to date him or marry him to just have sex with him._ **

_He’s my boss Saphira. That’s not what needs to happen!_

**_Prude. I’m trying here. Did he actually like the suit? He never replied but clearly he got the message…_ **

_He did apparently._

**_Good. But..how do you know his ex still cares?_ **

_Well, he had me meet him for a business lunch, he wants me to keep Joshua for 3 weeks next month while they go to South Africa, which I have NOT agreed to, he just asked. But when we left she was coming in. I stuck my foot in my mouth (maybe his too?) by mentioning I knew her by the picture on his desk. Pretty sure she hates me too._

**_Wait…he wants…SOUTH AFRICA?!?!?! Eh, it is how you knew her name and etc but I doubt she hates you Cassie._ **

_I guess they are going there next month, but idk about keeping him. Not with the ex and etc. She certainly doesn’t *like* me, she was polite and all but still._

**_My only advice with Joshua there is that you tell Zac about the ex. There is no other way around that because he may not feel so good leaving him if he knows about the guy._ **

_I will. But no more pictures!!!!_

I didn’t get a reply and that worried me, she could send any number of pictures from last night because I have no idea how many she took. I couldn’t quite disagree with her reasoning, but Zac hadn’t made any indication that he was looking for anyone, let alone that he wanted more from me. I was his employee and that was about all I ever would be. 

Three weeks. He wanted me to basically have temporary custody of Joshua while they were gone. I didn’t even know where Zac lived and as much as I moved hotels it wouldn’t be safe for Joshua. But if I didn’t then that was three weeks where I wouldn’t be making anything and I wasn’t sure the amount I had saved up would be enough to cover the three weeks. I just didn’t know what to do. 

I did eventually fall asleep with him for a bit, but when he got up I did. They were working quite steady and pizza arrived when they did stop. I was wishing I could do something non-fast food here but it was hard since they didn’t have a stove. I had just laid Joshua down for the night when my phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number so I answered.

“Hello?” 

“Cassandra.” 

“Calvin? How did you get this number?” 

“You should be here at this house. Where the fuck are you?” 

“You know I’m not going to tell you.” 

“I will find you Cassie. You know I will. When did you change your name? I mean the phone is in your maiden name after all. Weird that none of your co-workers knew.” 

“I told you Calvin, I’m not coming back. I’m done.”

I hung up and when I turned around Jessica was leaned against the door. 

“Calvin your boyfriend?” 

“Ex boyfriend.” 

“By the way you sound he hasn’t really understood that yet.” 

“Not my fault he hasn’t gotten the message.” 

There wasn’t much that she could have really heard from him, so I didn’t worry about it. She was heading out anyway but Calvin kept calling and I had to silence the phone to keep him from waking Joshua up. I avoided his calls even when I returned to the hotel. I had disabled the GPS a long time ago, so I didn’t worry about him tracing it. 

But it didn’t mean I slept any better, he knew I had been using my maiden name so it might make it easier for him to find me. But I just had to keep moving.


	15. You're Joking...

POV: Zac 

  

August 20, 2006; Sunday

I was actually kind of glad for the break from the studio, not just because my voice needed it and my back but because I just needed a break from the hormonal shifts too. Cassandra really made things easy, it wasn’t like she wore booty shorts or super tight clothes, but it was that very concept that just put my mind into overdrive wondering. Granted, she wore clothes that fit her well.

I had planned a nice, quiet day at home with Joshua. Wash clothes, clean up, maybe play some video games when he napped. But Taylor called early and said he and Harper were doing a family dinner and I was to be there any time before five. So, I went ahead and did the laundry and after his noon bottle I changed him into a pair of blue and green camo overalls with a yellow onesie under it. I slipped socks on his still tiny feet and we headed over to Taylor’s.

Cassie and I had talked Saturday, she said she would watch Joshua for me for the three weeks we were going to be away. We had discussed what she’d make and that I’d contact my family lawyer for the proper paperwork for her so if anything happened she could get him medical care. 

I arrived at Taylor’s at 3:30, loaded down with Joshua, his diaper bag, plus a large blanket so I had something to lay him on. My family would interact with him today, probably like any other normal family but it did bother me they didn’t seem to go out of their way to spend time with him. 

Harper was in the kitchen and Taylor and Isaac were outback with the grill. He always liked to grill when it wasn’t bad weather, not that anyone cared, his grilling skills were always the best unless he was going against Dad, then they were second. Joshua was still awake, having had his bottle before we left it was his play time.

“Hey Harper.” 

“Hey, I cleared out a space for Joshua in the living room. He’ll be out of the way.” 

I raised an eyebrow. “Out of the way?” 

“Well, not like in the middle of a foot path or at risk for being kicked or anything, it’s in a safe place.” 

I went to see where this place was and it was in my view, out of the way. The corner of the room and she’d just laid a sheet over the hardwood floors, glad I brought a blanket but truthfully, I’d just hold him at this point. I went out back where Taylor was arranging the coal and Isaac was sitting there, they didn’t initially even hear me and that was somewhat good.

“You could have brought Vivian with you.”

“No, I’m keeping her secret for a while.” 

I paused at the door, apparently Isaac had a girlfriend? I just stood there because while he hadn’t said it, his reason was because I’d be here. That shouldn’t have hurt, but it did. It was Joshua that gave me away, cooing at me. 

“Hey Zac.” Taylor said.

Isaac turned and nodded and I told my feet they had to walk forward. “Hey, dude what are you fixing? You have like the whole grill full.” 

“Some of Harper’s family is coming over, a few cousins. So, we’re doing chicken, steak and salmon because she had a few people that don’t eat red meat, just fish. I put you down for steak.” 

“Thank you. Although, either is fine.” 

I sat down in the chair and laid Joshua down in my lap, played. It’s what he wanted anyway.

“He doesn’t sleep all the time?” Isaac asked.

“I wish sometimes he did, but no. He’s usually up a few hours after the three bottle, same for the six. The colic improved so he’s on a pretty decent schedule now.” 

“Harper cleaned out a place so you could lay him down.” 

“He’s fine.” 

He was lighting coals now and applying the lighter fluid, getting it going so it can get hot. Harper was inside prepping things and I hadn’t even noticed anyone else but apparently at least two others were here.

“Jess coming today?” 

“No. She and Joe had plans today.” 

“I thought she said she had plans but wasn’t sure if they changed them.” 

I tickled Joshua who giggled and smiled at me, he really was a happy baby when he wasn’t screaming bloody murder! 

“So, you dating at all Ike?” 

He just looked at me and didn’t answer and I felt the tension, pretty sure Taylor could too. He didn’t seem to want to admit or not admit that he was and it was just another reminder of what Megan had done to my life. She’d taken his trust in me but I didn’t understand why they blamed me. I didn’t want to fight though, so I didn’t ask again. So, I sat here watching Taylor fix the grill and Ike drink.

Harper brought out a tray of meats with some girl and she sat a beer down beside me but I couldn’t drink it, I had to drive home and with Joshua in the car it wasn’t worth it. 

“Hey Zac, did you ask Mom and Dad to watch Joshua next month while we’re gone?” Isaac asked.

I hadn’t intended to discuss that at all, I mean the whole purpose was to have a normal family function without issues. It was why I hadn’t brought Cassandra with me. 

“It’s been taken care of.” 

“So, you asked Mom and Dad?” Taylor asked.

“I said it was taken care of. There’s nothing else to discuss.” 

Taylor put the last item on the grill and turned to me.

“You did not ask Cassandra.”

“I told you it was taken care of, I never said who or when or where or anything.”

“Zac, come on. Cassandra?” 

“Nothing wrong with Cassandra Taylor. It won’t do me any good to ask Mom and Dad, we all know the answer is no. They won’t watch him for me to go jet setting to South Africa, even if the purpose is charitable.” 

“You can’t trust her!” Isaac said.

“She’s been his babysitter for over a month Ike. I’m pretty sure I can trust her, I mean she has taken him alone and she’s fed him and changed him.”

“Sure Zac and if she knows Megan? If that’s the whole plan?”

I raised an eyebrow. “She doesn’t know Megan.”

“You can’t trust her.” Taylor said.

“You know what if it’s none of my business that you are dating someone, then it’s none of yours who watches my son.”

“Who I date or don’t isn’t anyone’s business.”

“Exactly. He’s my son and not yours. I asked Cassandra to take care of him while we were there, yes. She thought about it for a week before she told me yes. She’s watching him.” 

“You’re fucking stupid for letting her watch him.” 

Joshua had grown quiet and Harper came out the back door.

“Guys, stop. My family is here and you guys are not going to do this right now.”

“He has Cassandra watching him!” Isaac said.

“I don’t care Isaac. This is not your house and it’s not his, you three will not turn this into a screaming match over what happened. So, shut it up. Besides, your parents just arrived and Avery is with them. Zac, you know she’s going to want to see him.” 

“Point taken.” 

Avery would come find me but that was her way of telling me nicely to get inside. I took him inside and before finding her I changed his diaper. Avery was really the only family member that didn’t hold anything against me or him. She seemed to always want to hold him or feed him or play with him. She took him from me and that was good for my arms and freed me up to have his bottle ready, our dinner was suppose to be 5:30 and Taylor was remarkably on time. I was managing both to feed myself and Joshua at the same time, because I wouldn’t ask Avery too. Joshua finished his bottle and I got a burp, but then just left him here with me. Everyone but a few were done before me, but I had taken smaller bites, but I guess Isaac couldn’t leave well enough alone.

“So, Mom did you hear that Cassandra was keeping Joshua for the three weeks while we’re gone? I’m pretty sure he told you and Dad since you both would be in town with her.” 

I nearly dropped my fucking fork and even Taylor looked stunned. Harper? Well, she looked pissed.

Mom turned to me and she looked confused. “What?” 

It was a simple question and one Isaac didn’t give me time to answer.

“Asked him earlier and he said Cassandra was watching him the whole time.” He said.

Her face changed from confused to upset. “Why are you letting someone you barely know watch Joshua for three full weeks while you are on a whole other continent?! Are you insane?” 

“Well, there was no one else to ask. Taylor pointedly told me not to ask Harper because she was going with us, I already knew your answer would be no and Jessica wouldn’t either. Avery is too young to watch him. What else was I supposed to do? It’s not insane, it’s finding someone that can take care of him.” 

Dad piped in this time. “What kind of parent lets someone they barely know watch their child for a full three weeks? You just never think before you act.” 

“The kind of parent that has no other options. I thought about it for over a week before I even asked her and I talked to Clayton and then I asked her. She thought about it for a week, she’ll have everything she needs because she’ll be at my house for the whole time.” 

Taylor dropped his fork, clearly he processed it before they did. “You’re house? That’s fucking stupid Zac. She would have access to everything you own, you could come home to an empty house.” 

Mom’s mouth seemed to just drop. “You’re house?! Listen to your brother he is exactly right! You don’t know anything about this woman. She could be waiting for a moment exactly like this one. You come home to an empty house and a kidnapped baby.” 

Harper’s cousins seem to vanish along with Avery and even Harper herself. 

“If she wanted to kidnap him she’s had plenty of chances, it’s not the first time she’ll be alone with him. She’s been the only person that has been willing to watch him whenever we needed to record, whether it was around Taylor’s schedule with Harper or around Isaac’s secret girlfriend. What would you suggest I do? Since everyone at this table seems to be so much more knowledgeable about Cassandra than me. Neither of you talk to her when you come by, Taylor and Isaac never speak to her unless she says Hello to them. Jessica just ignores her completely. So, please, if there is a better fucking solution then someone tell me.” 

“Take them with you.” Mom and Dad both said.

They made that sound so simple, so easy. 

“So instead of leaving my three month old son in the safety of his home around potential family members. You want me to drag him half way across the world to an area filled with Malaria which he cannot be vaccinated for, to an area where kidnapping is pretty much a common daily item. Where clean water is non-existent. I mean you do know why we’re going there right?! We’re going to see the conditions that children live in. Yet, you just told me I was a bad parent for leaving him at home? If they both go then I can’t be with them there every day, they would have to stay at the hotel. So what the hell is the difference? At least here he’s not exposed to deadly diseases!” 

I was pretty sure my tone of voice shouldn’t have risen, I knew because Joshua was getting upset too.

“He can’t be with her there either Mom, he’s right about that. But you are a fucking idiot for letting her stay. You can ask our aunt for someone, she has sitters like that.” Taylor said.

“Tay, I am not going to risk another sitter just handing my son over to a stranger like Samantha did. I trust Cassandra. She adores Joshua and he is comfortable with her.” 

I couldn’t believe he would even suggest that! He was there when Samantha just walked out and, come on, she left Joshua with Cassandra who did the responsible thing!

“Ask one of your friends that has a kid already, like Clayton, someone you have known longer and that you know can love and take care of him.” Mom said.

Joshua was beginning to cry more and I was bouncing to get him quiet but honestly it was really feeling like they just didn’t want him at all. My parents had nothing to do during the week, Dad still worked some but Mom retired a long time ago. There was no reason they shouldn’t have the ability to watch him, they just didn’t want to.

“So you want me to ask my friend who has a full time job, a two year old, and a wife to just drop everything and watch him around the clock for three weeks? Or is it Reed? Because for the record he might be clean but he still hangs out with drug addicts.” 

“Come on Zac. She can fucking do anything once you aren’t around. She can abuse him or hurt him, she could empty your bank accounts and your house. Why would you ever consider her?” Isaac asked.

“You know what Isaac, maybe it’s best you just shut the fuck up. I recall you told me I had no right to tell you when you could be upset, well guess what you have no right to tell me what to do with my son. Get over it Isaac, he is mine.”

Dad stopped Isaac from saying anything else. “Knock it off you two. Zac, everything being said is completely valid. You can’t trust her. She can just be biding her time to wipe you out. Or what if she is fine, but the house gets robbed? What if Joshua gets hurt or sick? You won’t be able to get to him.” 

“I can trust her. That risk is associated with anyone who has him including you and Mom. Like with anyone, Cassandra would have to be given a guardianship paper so that she can take him to a doctor or seek medical treatment if needed. Everyone here is acting like I have a choice here.”

I tried to get Joshua to take the remaining ounce of formula he hadn’t downed, but he was having none of that. Everyone was saying how I can’t trust her, how I shouldn’t leave him with her but not a single one was stating a plausible alternative. 

Evidently Mom had enough, she stood straight up and both hands banged the table. “Zachary! You are not even listening! You can’t leave him with someone you barely know. You aren’t thinking logically here at all!” 

The bang had rattled the glasses and plates, Taylor and Isaac both jumped but Joshua’s slight cries increased to full blown screaming, she’d scared him. His own grandmother.

I got up. “I think I need to just go. It’s clear that none of you want him here anyway. It’s clear that you don’t care what really happens to Joshua, all you give a shit about is my apparent inability to follow your decisions about my son. Harper wanted to put him a corner somewhere removed from everyone, not a single fucking person here has asked to hold him but Avery. No one has talked to him and none of you give a shit that he’s screaming. We’ll just go.” 

I picked up his bottle from the table, got his diaper bag from the chair in the living room and the blanket I’d brought and walked toward the front. I could hear my dad yelling for me to get back there because they weren’t done. Taylor managed to catch up after I got his blanket.

“Zac, don’t leave like this. We are just worried about his safety and yours too with her staying there.”

Joshua was screaming and right now I just wanted to be away from them, so I nudged past him and went out the front door, it slammed shut when I left but I didn’t care. I was glad my truck wasn’t blocked in. I put Joshua in his car seat and prayed the driving would calm him down. I got out about the time Jessica and Joe drove up. I really couldn’t handle another fight.

“Zac! Where ya going?” 

“I can’t be here.” 

“Why not?” 

“Go ask our parents and your brothers. I’ll see you later I need to get him calmed down.” 

I got in the truck and closed the door, I felt bad enough without needing to go through another round right now. I drove around but he kept getting louder, so I stopped and got in the back. Tried holding him but that wasn’t doing anything either, how could I possibly expect him to calm down when I was so close to joining him. I didn’t know what to do. He got louder and I got my phone and scrolled down to her name and called. I thought she wasn’t going to answer but just before her voicemail answered she did.

“Hey, I didn’t expect to hear from you.” A brief moment passed. “What’s wrong with Joshua?” 

“Where are you?”

“Uh…I…”

“Please Cassandra, I can’t…” 

The tears were coming and I didn’t know how to explain or how to say anything. I just wanted someone that would help me.

“Clarion Inn, 77 th East Avenue. Second floor, back side room 267.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen.” 

I hung up and got him back in the car seat, not that it made him any happier. I think it was worse actually, but the drive to the hotel wasn’t long. Joshua screamed and I kept wiping my face off so I could get us there safely. When I arrived I got him and the diaper bag, it’s all I needed and I found the room easily because she was standing outside. Her hair was wet and it looked like she rushed to get dressed because her pants were neon green with white stripes and she had a grey t-shirt on. I didn’t even have to say anything, she took him from me and held the door open.

“You go calm down.” 

I went in and she came in behind me, she sat down on the bed with him. I could hear her talking to him in this very sweet voice, how the hell my family thought she would ever hurt him is beyond me. The way she looked at him was like Abigail looked at Paul. It took her a little bit of time to get him to calm down.

“When was his last bottle?” 

“He finished about six.” 

“Not quite time then, nap it is.” 

I looked around the room, it was really nice. There was a king size bed which was made up still, end tables with lamps on both sides, There was a desk with a large mirror in the left hand corner then a dresser with a TV which wasn’t on. Beside the dresser was a super large chair and then the bathroom and a small closet were near the door. She held him there on the edge of the bed and I sat here on the other end. 

I did notice the Subway wrapper and drink that was cold so least I didn’t interrupt dinner.

“Sorry it took me so long to answer, I was in the shower and nearly slipped to get to the phone.” 

“I figured with the wet hair and mismatched clothes.” 

“Pajamas, I don’t care if they match.”

She looked at me and when she moved I was confused but she reached over and her thumb brushed across my cheek. It felt warm and comforting.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” 

I was kind of taken aback by her fingers on my face, the lingering feeling.

“Zachary? Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I just…We had a family dinner and before we ate Isaac asked me about him and our trip. He then told our parents.” 

“I assume they’re not happy with your decision?” 

“No, they’re not.”

“How bad did they make me seem?” 

“You don’t want to know.” 

“Probably you can’t trust me, I may hurt him, I mean I have heard them talking about it before. I guess that whole concept of me staying at your house didn’t go over either?” 

“Nope. He was there and the louder we got the more upset he got and it was like they didn’t care about him, what they cared about was the person I picked. I can’t think of a better person. You know him, he’s comfortable with you, I know you aren’t going to leave with him or clear my house out. I just…they keep blaming me and it’s not even all my fault!” 

“I don’t see why they’re like that Zac.” 

“You mentioned a few weeks ago that they didn’t interact with him and I thought it was just at the studio but the only person that wanted to have anything to do with him was Avery. Harper had this place cleaned out in the very corner of the room.”

“I’m sorry they’re being this way. But, he is your son Zac and I assume you are sure he is yours.” 

“He’s mine.” 

“I doubt your parents listened to all of your grandparents ideas and thoughts. He is your son and you are making decisions based on your situation and his. I mean if you had the ultimate choice it would be your parents and I know that, but they won’t so they shouldn’t condemn your decisions.” 

“I don’t know why they do.” 

“I can’t answer that either.” 

It grew silent and when he woke up she laid him down to change the diaper and his clothes into his pajamas as the diaper hadn’t quite been tight enough. I fixed his bottle but she sat down with him, he ate quietly and I guess his screaming fit earlier wore him out, she laid him up on her shoulder for a burp and then he was out. 

“Pull the cover back some.” 

I was confused but did, she then laid him down in the middle of the bed and covered him up with his blanket. 

“You know I have to move him, right?” 

“Let’s call this probably not one of my better decisions.” 

She got something from the bathroom and then handed me a cup.

“You look like a shot of whiskey is what you need.” 

I took the little plastic cup. “No ketamine?” 

She sat down beside me. “Promise, nothing but whiskey.” 

“You know I can’t drive if I drink this.” 

“One shot won’t hurt you but I’m not heartless here. You show up crying on my doorstep, really think I’m going to kick you out? Long as you can sleep in clothes we’ll be fine.” 

The whiskey burned going down and she even refilled it, I didn’t even know she drank but after two she cut us both off. It felt different sitting here in the quietness. I turned to thank her and she turned to check on Joshua but she looked at me. Her hair was drying and it was curling up around her face, her eyes were so pretty, like little pools of water. I really wanted to see what her lips tasted like and she was so close. I was about to lean in when my phone rang and she moved back.

Fuck. I looked at it and found Taylor’s name but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not that it mattered, he sent a message a moment after he hung up.

_Where are you?! Come answer the damn door._

She smiled and took the phone from me, I didn’t have a clue what to say. But she told him I wasn’t at home, that I needed time to cool down and I’d see him at the studio later. She didn’t even give a specific day. 

“Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome. You look really tired though, why don’t you lay down. You have plenty of diapers and formula right?” 

“Yeah. He has a full container and you have clean water.”

“Keep a bottle incase.” 

“Plenty of diapers and wipes.” 

“I’ll get him if he wakes up and you will owe me nothing but breakfast, deal?” 

“Deal.” 

Even though I really wanted to slap Taylor for calling at that moment. But maybe it was better, I took off the long sleeve shirt and the belt, laying them on the desk, she had laid down already and I laid down, putting Joshua between us.

“You don’t snore right?” she asked.

“I do…I’m sorry.” 

“No problem, just wanted to know.” 

“Goodnight Cassie.” 

“Goodnight Zac.”

I intended to watch her fall asleep but that didn’t happen as I was asleep a few moments after the light went off. 


	16. My Son

POV: Zac 

  

August 21, 2006; Monday

I woke up at 7:45 and found that Cassandra was already up and even dressed, she had chosen blue jeans and a bright green t-shirt. She was sitting in the chair with her feet up on the bed, Joshua was sitting against her leaned back against her legs. I couldn’t see his face but I was sure he was happy based on the little sounds I heard. 

“I didn’t wake you did I?” she asked.

“No. I think my internal alarm did, told me he needed food and diapers and stuff.” 

“He didn’t wake up until about one and then again at six. He’s been listening and playing. Did you sleep okay?” 

“I did, yes.” 

“You don’t look like a walking Zombie, so that’s a plus.” 

I didn’t move though because well, I still woke up with morning issues and I was sure the way I was laying meant she couldn’t see. That and she hadn’t mentioned nor had her eyes really dipped down, good or bad I wasn’t sure about that. I finally got up and while she had him I went and got my overnight bag from the truck, so I could at least be presentable at work today. I was used to my massive bathroom though, this place was like a broom closet.

By the time I showered and got dressed she had him changed into the onesie in the diaper bag, it was blue with stars all over it and she even had his pants on. 

“You’re phone rang like four times, I think it was Taylor. Same ringtone as last night.” 

“He’s probably wondering if I am coming in.” 

“Are you?” 

I sat down on the bed and got my shoes back on. “I don’t want too but I can’t avoid them forever. At least Joshua won’t have to hear it today. If you know they don’t like you, why do you stay?” 

She smiled and I just wanted to melt a bit. “I’m not there for them to like me Zac, I’m there so you can work on an album and continue to support your son. I’m there so you don’t have to worry about him while recording an album. I don’t care if your brothers like me or not, I don’t care how your sister sees me or what your parents think about me.”

“It doesn’t bother you at all?” 

“I’ve been disliked before, it’s nothing new. I’ve been lied to and cheated on and all that random shit that happens. The only question I would have is do you trust me with him?”

“I do.” 

“Do you trust me enough to really leave him alone with me for three weeks?”

“I do. I think of everyone you’d be the best person. He knows you, he is comfortable with you. I know that he may miss me being here but at least he’ll know the person with him. You’ve spent more time with him than anyone in my family.” 

“When it comes to your son, how you feel is all that matters. I would say his mom has a say but in this case, she doesn’t.” 

“Sure you’re not in your 30’s?” 

She raised her eyebrow. “I’m positive.” 

“When is your birthday? I don’t think I’ve ever asked.” 

“You probably don’t want to know.” 

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.” 

“July 1, 1984.”

It took me just a moment to connect the dots. “Why didn’t you tell me then?” 

“Hey, I got the best birthday present I could ask for. Private sound check show just for me and then I got to sit stage side which is far closer than I imagined I’d make. You gave me like one of everything too. It would have been rude to make you feel even worse than you already did.” 

“Well, no babysitting next July 1.” 

“If it helps, Saphira didn’t know until like a week before.” 

“So much better. You want to just ride with me?” 

“As much as I’d like that idea, this is out of the way for you. I’ll just follow you.” 

“You act like I mind.” 

She tickled Joshua and he actually laughed! She then got him and waited, I got his diaper bag and my bag and followed her out. I really kind of wanted to stay here all day with them. But, instead I told her where to stop because I owed her breakfast. Joshua actually stayed awake and before we left the restaurant I gave him his next bottle. By the time I parked at the studio he was out, so I let her get him and just take him on with her.

“Close the door to my office, it might get loud. Apparently my parents are also here and Jessica.” 

She laid her hand on my shoulder. “Just remember he’s your son, they have a right to an opinion but they aren’t raising him.”

She went into my office with Joshua but did close the door. Yep, I just wanted to backtrack and go back to the hotel and just chill for the day. I didn’t want to be here. But I walked down to the studio which was empty and the kitchen was too, they were all seated in the conference area.

“I guess you didn’t want to stay gone?” Isaac asked.

“Was under the impression we were working today. I figured it would be rude to ignore that.” 

“Where have you been? Taylor went to your house and you weren’t there, you just said you weren’t home but didn’t say where.” Mom asked.

“I’m over eighteen, I have the right and ability to stay where I want. I didn’t want to go home, so I got a hotel for the night. Where no one could find me so I would have time to cool down myself because I knew this little meeting would take place.” 

“Doubt you were alone.” Isaac snorted.

I should really say something but I ignored it, took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. I sat down in the only available seat and leaned back.

“You just want to pick up where we left off? I mean you’re all sitting here at ten am like this was some family meeting that I wasn’t even informed of.”

“You should be apologizing.” Jessica said.

“I agree.” Isaac said.

Taylor remained quiet and I was pretty sure that if anyone at the table had a clue where I went it would be him but he wasn’t saying anything about it, yet.

“Apologize for what? Telling you the truth? Apologize for my own feelings? Or am I apologizing to you again for something I’ve already said a million times? You started the argument because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. I was fully prepared to let it go so Harper could enjoy her dinner with everyone. But you couldn’t do that.”

“Because you weren’t going to ask them. You skipped everyone and went straight to the one person you can’t trust or shouldn’t trust. You don’t know her, you don’t know how she’ll be when you aren’t there to monitor her.”

I waited, surely others had a say in this too, I mean it can’t just be Isaac.

“I agree with Isaac. You didn’t ask me or our parents, or anyone else. You went right to her, you don’t know much about her at all. You didn’t do a background check, you didn’t do anything to make sure her story was even true. I called every daycare center in Tulsa Zac. Not a single one said she worked for them.” 

“Have you even bothered to check her story at all? Before you decided that she was the best person to watch him? Based on your decisions, it seems that maybe you should have really considered adoption. It’s not too late and with Megan already signing hers over it’ll be easier.” Mom said.

I looked at Dad. “I agree with your mother and your siblings.” 

“Taylor? You have anything you want to add here? If so you need to say it now and not wait another three weeks or four.” 

“I don’t want another Megan. Cassandra is like her Zac, she walked in and it was like instant trust in her. Which is exactly how Megan got in Zac. She used Isaac to get into the little huddle and we all know how that ended. What if it occurs again? You really want to say you can watch two under a year old? I doubt she’ll be like Megan, she doesn’t seem the type to just walk away.” 

“Anything else?” 

No one said anything so I leaned forward. They kept dragging this on and on and yet no one gave any constructive feedback that yielded anything useful.

“When I told you about him, before he was even born, each one of you told me not to ask you to babysit, not to ask you for help, not to call you at 3 am when he was screaming and I didn’t know what to do. You told me basically unless I was dying that none of you would watch him. Now, you want to ask me why I didn’t bother? I didn’t bother because I knew the answer was no. When Africa was brought up Taylor pointedly told me not to ask Harper because she was enjoying her trip and not being responsible for anyone else.”

“This is different, Zachary. You are leaving him with a perfect stranger!” Mom said.

“Different? It’s not different. I’m not leaving him with a stranger, that would be leaving him with you and Dad. He doesn’t know either of you. And you can’t just bring him home when he starts to scream for me because he doesn’t know who you are. I laid all my options out and I crossed off the ones that said no before he was born or the ones that didn’t do what they were suppose to. No daycare center in this city had anyone that does overnight except Parker’s, and let’s face it if I left him with those bitches I’d need to take him to the emergency room for the rashes he had when I got home. I looked at options before I selected the best one.”

Ike snorted. “She’s far from the best option.” 

“Really? She can tell me what none of you can. She can tell me what his formula is, how often he eats, what his sleep pattern is, what clothes he likes best, what his favorite toy and blanket is. None of you can tell me any of that. I was at your house for over four hours yesterday and everyone was there for at least two hours and the only person that interacted with Joshua was Avery.”

“Zachary, come on. This is frivolous crap, our point is that you need another solution.” Dad said.

I got up. “He is my son. He is my responsibility. I can take your opinions on the matter and consider them but it won’t change my decision. Cassandra is watching Joshua in my house for the three weeks and some odd days we will be gone. That decision, like mine to accept custody, is not negotiable. It’s final.”

“She’s trouble Zac, I don’t like how she is.” Isaac said.

I blinked because that was damn near close to what I told him about Megan, I could only ignore comments so much before they need to be pointed.

“June forth, last year in Australia. You told Taylor and I about you and Megan and I told you that same thing, that I felt something was wrong. I told you she didn’t back off of me like she told you and that she didn’t leave until she realized I wasn’t going to bite. You thought I was jealous. I love you and I didn’t want to see another bitch hurt you, but you ignored me.”

“And then you went and had sex with her in my fucking house.” 

“And I explained that I believe she gave me something. I was with Maddilyn for four fucking years Isaac, I asked her to be my wife. If I had any interest in Megan I wouldn’t have done that. Thanks to your decision to date her and let her in, I lost Maddilyn. I didn’t get to tell her because Megan ran and told her and that bitch had the audacity to expect me to be her boyfriend. Cassandra isn’t Megan and you all need to stop fucking comparing them. Cassie hasn’t shown any interest in any of us for any reason.”

“She may not show it to you but she clearly has an interest. She doesn’t mind having lunch with you, meeting you wherever you want her to, she doesn’t talk to anyone else while here and I think she left her boyfriend because she’s here.” Jessica said.

I took a deep breathe again, it was pretty clear that none of them were going to budge on hating her.

“I’m done talking about this. I told Isaac what happened, he put the full blame on me as if I invited her over for the sole reason of sex. When Reed told me she was pregnant and what she was doing I took measures to make sure she didn’t harm Joshua. I manned up and accepted my responsibility as a father, something that I thought would count with my family. I didn’t run away from him, I didn’t abandon him. I stepped up and accepted my responsibility because, regardless of whose fault it was, I didn’t stop her. Drugged or not, believe whichever you wish. The only person that got hurt that has any right to fully blame me is Maddilyn, but she doesn’t lay full blame on me.”

“It’s not the end. You still have Joshua.” 

“Yeah, I am your son and when I was his age you made the decisions that were best for me. You didn’t care what anyone else said. I am his father and he is my son, he does not belong to anyone else in this room. My decision on who and where he will be during our trip is final. My belief that none of you want him around is final until you prove to me it’s wrong. If we are not doing anything in the studio today then I am taking my son and I am leaving and I don’t care if Cassandra comes with me or chooses to go home. What I do in my life is my business. Isaac doesn’t even trust me enough to introduce his apparent girlfriend to me, so no one has the right to tell me who I can see, talk to, or even date. I’ll be in my office until Taylor and Isaac determine what we’re doing.”

I got up and left the room, returned to the office and god bless her there was a shot glass and that bottle of whiskey sitting on the desk. Joshua was laying in his bassinet and she was curled up in the chair reading.

“I didn’t know if you’d want it or need it, but I brought it just in case.” 

I poured a drink and downed it. If this was anywhere near what Maddilyn felt I couldn’t blame her for leaving me. I felt like I was being rubbed across a cheese grater over and over and over.

“I assume it didn’t go the way you anticipated.” 

“We shall see.”

I drank another shot before I turned to her. “You worked for a daycare center before, right?” 

“Yes. Several years.” 

“My paranoid sister called every daycare center in Tulsa, no one had heard of you.” 

She smiled but there was something in her eyes. “Wasn’t in Tulsa.” 

“See, I knew there was a reason.” 

I was going to ask what daycare center so I could at least rub that in her face later after I called but Taylor knocked.

“Mom and Dad left. If you feel up to recording Isaac and I are on board.” 

“I won’t discuss those things anymore, so if you plan on saying anything then let me know now.” 

“No. Isaac wants to but I told him if he so much as made a snide comment about anything that I’d walk out too. That you were right and when it comes to her, we need to let it go. He has promised but I mean I can’t exactly filter him. Harper said she would bring us lunch about one, Cassandra would you like anything?” 

I was shocked and I imagine she was too. “Did she say from where?” She asked.

“I believe she said Jimmy John’s, I can verify and let you know.” 

“I’m not familiar with their menu, but I’m sure I can find it.”

“I’ll come check before I send the text to her.” 

“Thank you.” 

Taylor turned and went down the hallway and I got their menu from the drawer. “No need, we keep it on hand.” 

She giggled and took it. “Get to work before they get irritated.” 

I got up and I wanted to kiss her but instead I went to the studio. It felt different, I could tell Isaac really wanted to say something but he didn’t. Instead we focused on recording and working on different parts. People thought this was easy, but it hardly ever was. Hours listening to the same song parts, same songs. But it was necessary to make it as close to perfect as possible, so I didn’t even complain when they asked me to sing the same stuff a million times. 

We only stopped for food, drinks, or the bathroom. Every few hours I would check in on Joshua and Cassandra, she often did send me pictures of him while I was here. Neither of them said anything about the two topics and we cut out a bit early too. She headed back to the hotel and I took Joshua home, got to settle down some. The thoughts of her were there, but I did need to stop because what if she really wasn’t interested? I didn’t need to cause myself any more pain and now I had to watch out for Joshua too.

Sleep came early, but the dreams of her were far from G-rated…


	17. Everything's Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: There is a brief non-con scene in this chapter, it is not detailed but it is mentioned. This chapter also contains violence.

POV: Cassandra 

  

August 23, 20o6

Sunday night had been kind of awkward, it wasn’t often I saw men cry or that they showed up on my doorstep. But, I couldn’t turn him away because he sounded like he needed someone, anyone, on his side. He needed the break and he needed the friend, even if I was positive his aim was a kiss and I wouldn’t mention the morning wood I had noticed but chose not to call any attention to. I had actually noticed when I woke up because he hadn’t been on his side.

There really was a part of me that wanted to do more but I wasn’t sure what he wanted and it was clear he loved Maddilyn, I didn’t want to be involved and then her return. I hadn’t yet mentioned that his shirt and belt were still at the hotel, I kept meaning to bring them with me but some small part of me wanted to leave them there. 

The studio felt a little better, it wasn’t as tense and the last few days had been argument free. Taylor was even being rather nice to me, which was odd, but perhaps whatever he had said was sinking in. It didn’t seem to affect how they saw Joshua. I wanted to say something but just felt it wasn’t my place or my right. 

The day had started early and it showed very little signs of ending early like the last two nights. I did take Joshua and I for a walk today early in the day before the temperatures got too high, and then the afternoon I let him have tummy time and play time, he was sleeping a little less between feedings. When I put him down for the night I turned the lights off and laid down myself. I got a good nap but I was feeding Joshua when he came in.

“Done?” I asked.

“Yep. We’re coming in a bit later tomorrow though, so plan for like noon. They are thinking more like one but I’ll probably come in sooner to answer e-mails and work on some stuff.” 

“Okay.”

I gave him the list of things Joshua needed restocked here, which was mostly the three essentials. Formula, diapers, and wipes.

“I actually have to buy more formula. Would you have a problem going to the store tomorrow?” 

“No. You sending me in your truck?” 

“Always.” 

“I don’t mind, just make sure if you get any special ones to let me know.” 

“Okay.”

Taylor and Isaac stopped by quickly and said bye and they left. He got everything together and then we left too, I put Joshua in his car seat and said bye to Zac. He headed home and I headed to the hotel. It had been a long day and I was looking forward to getting there and sleeping a while. I parked the car and headed to the room. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, I laid my wallet down on the top of the dresser and kicked my shoes off. I was considering what to wear to bed when I heard a faint noise. I paused by the dresser thinking it was movement in one of the adjacent rooms. But the sound was coming from this room and that wasn’t right.

I turned around slowly, wondering what it could be or in this case, who. I may have been gone for months but it didn’t mean anything, I could feel the fear the moment I saw him standing there, leaned against the wall. The store was one thing, it was public and people were around.

This wasn’t public.

“For someone who does not have income and isn’t using any cards, you seem to be doing very well for yourself. Is this where the hell you’ve been for months? Shacking up in some hotel?”

It wasn’t a question despite him framing it that way, his tone of voice said it wasn’t. “How did you…?”

“Find you? I called every cheap ass hotel in town, I knew it wouldn’t be no fancy place. But it was my mother who called me, she saw you leaving the parking lot when she dropped my brother off at the airport. The front desk was more than willing to provide me with a key.”

He moved his hand and something seemed to unroll from it and it took me a moment to realize what it was, it was a black belt. It wasn’t Calvin’s, he only wore brown, that belt was Zac’s and it had been on the dresser when I left. I took a step back but he threw something onto the bed. It was a plastic medicine bottle from the pharmacy.

“You told me the doctor gave you vitamins because yours were low, I got worried when you left without them. Did you really think I’d never fucking find out Cassandra?” 

I took another step back, really wishing that I could get by him and get out of the room. I no longer wanted to be here.

“Fucking birth control pills, oh let’s not even go into how long you’ve been taking them.”

“The doctor said to take them, I was just following orders.” 

The belt slammed into the wall and vibrated in my ears. “YOU ASKED FOR THEM!!!!”

I stepped back again but I was running out of space. “Calvin, please. I don’t…Just go.” 

“GO? You want me to go? Like you fucking did bitch? Took me fifteen fucking minutes to catch up with what you did for months you bitch. Taking just a little from each payday and putting it somewhere. Then you fucking left like you just had that fucking choice?”

“Calvin…” 

“Shut up.”

He moved from the door quickly, backed me right against the wall. “Who have you been fucking the last few months?” 

“No one.” 

The fist landed beside my head. “Don’t fucking lie to me. WHO have you been with?”

“I’m…I’m not lying Calvin.” 

“Really? So he what? Just took his clothes off and stood here? If you aren’t fucking him then you’re doing something. You are my wife and the only mother fucker that sees you naked is me. So who the fuck is he?” 

I knew that I couldn’t tell him who it was, he wouldn’t believe me anyway. He’d never believe that the belt in his hand was Zac Hanson’s. There was no option for me.

“It’s after one in the fucking morning, your little bitch of a manager and bitch of a friend aren’t here to help you. You won’t be talking to either of those bitches ever again, that little slutty outfit you wore with her, never again. I’ve been here since six, where were you?” 

“I was…Babysitting.” 

His body was uncomfortably close to mine, the belt laying right on my shoulder, when he folded it I could feel the tears begin to sting my eyes. When he snapped it I tried to ignore the sounds echoing in my head.

“Babysitting for who?

“I can’t tell you, I signed a paper.” 

His hand came around my throat. “You are lying to my face and you know I hate that.”

My own hands came to his to get his to release the pressure some. But he pulled forward and then slammed me into the wall, the picture behind my head shattered, glass rained down to the floor and I only hoped I didn’t get cut.

“Lying bitch.” 

He yanked forward and pulled just enough to cause me to fall, at least he wasn’t between me and the door anymore and I tried my damnest to get there, but the belt made contact right between my shoulder blades. 

“You really think you’re going anywhere?” 

The second time it hit lower, but it was no less painful. When he felt like I was too far away he got my ankle and pulled me back. I tried screaming, but apparently no one cared enough to check on me. I lost count around ten because by then he was striking my back in the same spots as before. I begged him to just stop, but he continued until he felt like stopping.

“Should have fucking known you were taking something, doctor said a second pregnancy should be quick, effortless even and yet nothing? Bitch.” 

I could see the door, freedom, I could just run until I couldn’t. I moved toward it and my attempt was stopped by a foot in my side, which his shoe really hurt and I wondered if he’d actually broken a rib or something.

“You aren’t fucking making it to the fucking door Cassandra, you aren’t fucking leaving this room.” 

I saw him walk by, the chair sounded so loud when he shoved it, sliding it right against the door and then he sat down and looked at me.

“I told you, you are my wife and where you will be is with me.”

He sat there in the chair for several moments, I’d done so well to hide the birth control, I just couldn’t bring a child into that life, I could barely handle being at his mother’s daycare then, let alone deal with my own. But he’d just blocked the only path out of the room. I stayed right where I was, letting the pain kind of fade some.

When he did get up he left the belt laying there which could be good or bad. 

“Get up.” 

I tried to get up as quickly as possible but it wasn’t fast enough for him, he grabbed a handful of hair and pulled me to him. The soft and sweet kisses to my neck didn’t fool me, they used to but I knew better now. What always followed was sex. I could feel his free hand inching the shirt up but I stopped him.

“Just go...” 

His hand tightened, pulling my hair tighter. “Go? Who the fuck do you think I am?”

“Please, just go.” 

I tried not to sound so pathetic but it didn’t faze him anyway, it wasn’t the wall he hit that time, it was me. A few well places punches to my side and he wasn’t just taking the shirt off, he was ripping it off. Maybe…maybe if I just let him he’d leave or at least fall asleep, something. 

It wouldn’t be the first time I’d said no and he hadn’t listened, wouldn’t be the first time he’d hit me either. I’d been so excited that first time, so content and it was so good. But the last few years had been anything but, it wasn’t that he really hurt me sexually but it was always the bruises that were left that hurt. It was the days that follow where he’d apologize and he would be so nice. It was always rough enough to hurt and but not enough that anyone else would be able to tell.

This felt different.

The belt had hit me harder than it had before, his punches were harder than before. Even the sex was more painful in general. Even when he was done and moved away it felt different. There was no sweet moment after, no break. I’d closed my eyes for a moment, a tiny glimpse of a moment before the belt came down hard on my legs. I know I screamed because it hurt like hell. 

“Lies. It’s all you’ve done for four years. I love you, I want to be with you, all lies. My mother told me you were a worthless bitch and I didn’t listen.”

Turning over didn’t stop him, moving didn’t stop him and I was so close to just passing out when he straddled my lower back, which hurt. He yanked my head to the side and leaned down.

“I’m going to go pick up my mother and I will be back. You better be here, I would take you now but I know you need a moment to think about everything you’ve done wrong. Perhaps, you’ll learn.”

There was a rather hard hit to my side. “When I get back, you’ll be ready to leave. You will have your wedding band back on. You will be dressed and presentable as if nothing happened. But when we get home, don’t count on doing much of anything. You will be in your punishment room for as long as I deem necessary. Is that clear?” 

“Yes.” 

A sharp pull to my hair and I squeaked, “Yes, Sir.” 

“You seem to have forgotten your manners. No fear we can remind you.”

The weight lifted off my back and I could hear him getting dressed. Could hear the chair being moved back. When he was ready he kneeled by the bed, laying the belt on the side.

“Cassandra, if you are not here when I get back. I will find you.”

He leaned over and kissed my temple. “But your parents will never find you, they’ll never know what happened. They’ll never find closure.”

He got up and left the room. 

I laid right where he’d left me. If he took me back home it wouldn’t matter, nothing felt right and I was sure that he was over me. He didn’t love me, he never had. If I went back he’d stop the birth control for sure, and I couldn’t do that. It hurt like hell to get up but I did. I found clean clothes, pants and a long sleeve blouse. I skipped the bra because the clasp would just hurt. I did clean myself up before getting dressed. I then packed the few items I had inside, I really hadn’t been bringing much inside. But my car keys weren’t here, but that was fine. I had a spare he didn’t know about. 

I was shaking so badly that trying to gather things was hard. I paused at the door though, he had basically told me he was going to kill me if I left. But, if I didn’t leave I was dead anyway, I wouldn’t make it much longer with him hitting me this badly. I left the hotel and went to the car. I got the key and put my bag in the seat, sitting down felt like sheer hell. But I had to leave, I had to get as far away from this hotel as I could before they got back.

I left the hotel and drove to west Tulsa but I didn’t have a clue where to go. If I called Saphira she’d call the police and they never did anything, his parents knew so many that it was just pointless. I could call Zac but what could he do? His family already hated me, I didn’t need to give them anymore ammo. 

I could check into another hotel but he’d found me twice, another hotel wouldn’t do. I ended up driving around for several hours, just circling areas and neighborhoods, trying to find a spot that felt safe. The sun rose and I just kept on. It was about eleven when Zac called. I almost didn’t answer.

“Morning, so they’d like to get to work about 12. Is that okay?” 

Everything hurt and I wasn’t even sure I could hold Joshua right now. “Sure.”

“You okay?” 

“I just..I need a shower. The hotel’s water died and the AC apparently did too.” 

“Come here. We have a full bathroom here. We don’t mind.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

I turned and it took me about ten minutes to get there, I parked my car at the rear of the alley and it felt safe. I got clothes from the car and my bag and went to the front, Zac let me in and he didn’t mention anything about seeing bruises or problems. But I did hand him his belt and shirt.

“Kind of left them.” 

“I know I did.” 

That really didn’t help but I went to the bathroom and made sure the door was locked. Taking the shirt off and really seeing what I looked liked made me sick. In four years it hadn’t been this bad. The shower didn’t make the pain or the forming bruises any better, but least I felt clean. I had brought in a long sleeve, and when I walked back to the office Zac raised his eyebrow.

“Are you cold?” 

“Little bit.”

“The heater is under the desk if you need to warm up or something.” 

“I’ll be okay.” 

The long sleeves were to cover the black and blue marks, not because I was cold. I just hope I didn’t get too hot inside. He went to the studio and it really was just a bad day. I was already tired and Joshua decided that at two he wanted to scream. For the first time I had to call Zac to come get him calmed down. I knew it was just him sensing something was wrong. Even after that I tried to nap, tried to sleep. I declined dinner because I was still feeling very nauseated, sitting in a quiet room while he slept wasn’t helping. 

I couldn’t go back to a hotel. He’d find me. I couldn’t leave Joshua. I couldn’t even tell Saphira. When they went home for the night I just sat in the car. I didn’t know what to do, so I sat here. 

Everything was wrong. This wasn’t how I envisioned my life. I should have listened to my friends, ones he’d driven away when I married him. I should have listened to my parents, I should have stayed with them in 2004. I shouldn’t have gone back. Sometime around four I fell asleep, but it didn’t last too long. The sun came up and the car got too hot. 

Maybe I should have stayed in the room…


	18. Suspicious Behavior

POV: Zac 

  

August 26, 2006; Saturday

The last week had been fairly okay, Isaac didn’t make any snide comments about Megan and what happened or about Cassandra. Taylor hadn’t said anything cross and my sister was laying off. It meant we got a lot done and got a lot of planning done for the trip in general. Including getting airline flights, hotels, and getting some form of an itinerary for the trip. 

I made it to the studio at nine thirty but Cassandra was already here, Taylor had messaged when he got here at eight that she was here and that she was in the shower. She maintained that the hotel’s water was still messed up, but I wasn’t entirely sure I believed that story now. One day I could, but several? It didn’t make sense to me. 

By the time I arrived she was in the office already, waiting for me to get here.

“Taylor said that you guys were going to wait for Isaac, pretend I’m not here.” 

I sat down with Joshua, who had eaten before we left home and I went ahead and changed the diaper.

“Are you feeling okay?” 

“Yeah, why?” 

“Just wondering, you haven’t felt like eating much the past few days. If you need time off that’s fine.” 

“No. I’m fine just I have phases and I think I did eat some bad tuna the other night. I’m not sick, just feel a little queasy.” 

“Sure? We can get you something lighter if you need to. Most places around have salads and stuff.” 

“Maybe that’s a good idea.” 

It was kind of worrying me because the last few nights she’d declined dinner and as far as I could tell she hadn’t eaten anything since lunch. Well, she could be eating in the mornings or after we left, but I doubted it. I went ahead and played with Joshua, she read a book. When he went to sleep I went to the studio where Taylor was tinkering with a song. I sat down on a stool near him.

“What is our goal for the day?” 

“Well, we have bits and pieces of multiple songs. I would like for us to finish at least one today. Most have vocal tracks they just need some fine tuning or input.” 

“Sounds good, hey when we break for lunch and dinner later remind me to order something light for Cassandra.” 

“Is she still not eating?” 

“How did you…?”

Honestly, I didn’t think Taylor had noticed anything with her at all. Because they seemed to hate her so much that I didn’t think he would care or even notice anything about her.

“Zac we’ve been adding an extra order for her since she started or I’ve seen things with her name on them in the fridge. The last few days you haven’t had that extra order and I haven’t noticed anything missing or empty in the trash that was hers.”

“She said she got some bad tuna and has just been feeling sick. But it’s not the flu or anything.”

“It’s possible. I mean it could be that time too.” 

“That time?” I asked.

He glanced at me. “You know what I mean Zac, that time of the month. Harper sometimes doesn’t want much during that time and other times she eats non-stop.” 

“Too much information bro.” 

“Just saying…” 

“I know, just…I don’t want to think about that!” 

He giggled. “Yes, it’s clear because your cheeks are getting red. Anyway, long as it’s not the flu and not some stomach bug we’re good. But, I’ll remember to order something for her that’s on the lighter side. Maybe some soup?” 

“Sounds good.” 

When Isaac arrived we did jump into actually finishing one that was super close to being done. It was one we were sure would be on the album. We worked on it through the early morning and then we stepped outside, it was hot as balls out still but we needed a fresh air break and Ike was talking lunch. We were standing just outside the back door and I happen to notice that it didn’t look like her car had moved.

“Hey guys, does it look like her car’s been moved at all?” 

Taylor and Isaac both gave me a confused look but they looked at the placement of her car anyway, Taylor even walked around it for some reason.

“Oddly, no it doesn’t. But, I mean, she could be a good parker. Her car seemed to always be in the same spot before too.” 

Same spot yes, but it was hardly ever the exact same width from the wall. Once they went inside I walked over to the front tire, I had noticed yesterday and I had used a piece of caulk to mark the tires. The marks were in the same spot, not smudged. Her car hadn’t been moved, but it was possible she was staying with Saphira, she had mentioned it once. So I shrugged and went inside, Isaac and Taylor went to get us lunch and I checked in on her. 

She was holding Joshua but it seemed wrong. I couldn’t explain it, I felt like something was wrong. I didn’t want to say anything to the others but the car, lack of appetite, and her showers here weren’t everything that I had noticed.

For starters, she was now here before any of us, which could be explained by Saphira dropping her off and picking her up. But, otherwise it was just different. Why be here two hours before any of us arrive? She could be doing anything else under the sun, but she was sitting here just waiting?

I had noticed her sudden wardrobe change, before she was wearing the pants but they weren’t quite as loose as the ones she had on now. Her shirts were usually t-shirts or sleeveless shirts, the last three days she’d worn long-sleeve shirts and I know damn well she had to be hot in the studio. It wasn’t like the air kept the studio like an ice box, it often barely felt like the air was even on. 

She was moving slower, being more careful when she sat down and a few times I had seen a painful expression cross her face when she bumped into the chair or the desk. She was also holding Joshua a little less than normal, choosing to let him sit in the bouncer when she talked to or entertained him. It just felt weird to me and I wondered why, she seemed to have this monumental shift after I went to the hotel room. 

But, it hadn’t occurred right off the bat, it was after a few days which felt weird.

“Zac?” She asked.

“Huh?” 

“You okay there? You went a little spacey on me.” 

“I’m fine. You?” 

“I’m fine. I’m going to run to the bathroom while you’re here to entertain.” 

“No problem.”

She handed him to me and I got big smiles and giggles while she was gone. When they got back with lunch I made sure she actually ate it, didn’t leave until she was done. I went to the kitchen afterwards to refill my drink and when I turned Jessica was there.

“We need to talk, someplace private.” 

“Okay, the studio fine?” 

“Yeah.” 

I followed her to the studio control room and we sat down. It wasn’t often she wanted to talk or anything so I wondered what was up.

“Alright, I know you said you would not talk about any of it anymore. But, and I can’t believe I am saying this. I think something is wrong with Cassandra.” 

“Wrong how?” 

“I noticed the lack of eating like Tay. But, yesterday I was heading out to go home and I heard her crying in the studio. I thought at first it was Joshua but it wasn’t. I asked her what was wrong but she never answered. I’m thinking she may answer you.” 

“I’ve asked Jess, she’s not telling me anything and honestly she doesn’t have to.” 

“Well, you said she didn’t work in Tulsa. I didn’t find any private places so it must be super private.” 

“That I’m not talking about. Is there anything else?” 

“No. Just that I’m worried about her. She’s been here long enough for me to know that random crying spells is kind of weird.” 

“Notice anything else?” 

“No.” She said.

Taylor had come in also and once Jessica left he took her seat. “She tell you about what she heard?” 

“Yeah.” 

He looked conflicted and unsure. “What is it Taylor? You look like you want to tell me the big secret but know everyone will be ticked.” 

“Thursday, she um was in the kitchen fixing him a bottle and I was figuring out what I wanted for lunch, she dropped the top to the bottle, no worries she didn’t use it. But when she kneeled down the back of her shirt came up.” 

“You being a pervert Tay?”

“No Zachary. I only saw a glimpse and it was more her side that her back, but I saw a bruise there. Pretty nasty looking one too. I know it wasn’t anyone here and Jessica mentioned an ex-boyfriend of hers. What if he came back?” 

“She hasn’t said anything.” 

“Of course she’s not Zac, it could be anything I mean she could have fallen somewhere at home or something. But, I’m just telling you what I saw.” 

“Noted.” 

When Isaac arrived we got back to work and we did complete one whole song! We then started working on another one. Progress was going very well, we may even get a second song done but I wasn’t going to jinks us just yet. We took a dinner break at seven, having ordered pizza but I ordered a salad for her but she did eat a slice of pizza too.

“Still feeling pretty iffy?” 

“Kind of, but not as bad.” 

I took a deep breath. “Taylor said he saw a bruise on your side, everything okay?” 

The shocked expression said she didn’t even know he’d seen it, so I waited.

“Yeah, I got out of the shower Tuesday and slipped. Stupid small bathrooms aren’t designed to fall safely. Just a little bruise nothing major.” 

Yet Taylor had described it as nasty looking, which was inconsistent but it was on her body so I was inclined to believe her. 

“Sure you’re okay? Don’t want you having any busted ribs from the fall.” 

“Oh no. Just hurts a bit.” 

As much as I wanted to instantly believe that, I couldn’t. Because she was acting very strange and I didn’t know what else to do. I considered asking if she was being picked up, but if so it really wasn’t any of my business. For that matter if it was Saphira and they were a lot more than friends, there was nothing I could do about it. So, after dinner I spend a little time with Joshua and then headed back to the studio to finish up. 

It was a few minutes after midnight when we stopped for the night, everyone was tired and growing ill with various things as well as each other. She was feeding Joshua when I went in so I went ahead and packed up his things, made a list of what I needed to stock up on. I also gathered all of his bottles from here to take home and scald tomorrow. By the time I was ready he was too and we headed out. 

I was curious though so I drove around for thirty minutes and then doubled back by the studio, Cassandra’s car was still parked in the alley, far enough back that it was barely visible. I half-way contemplated stopping and making sure she wasn’t staying there all night, but it was late and I didn’t want to approach the car in the dark. So, I headed home. I got him settled and then crashed myself, but before I did I made a note to swing by tomorrow and make sure she wasn’t there. We had no plans to be at the studio, so there was no reason for her to be.


	19. Curiosity Killed The Cat

POV: Zac

  

August 27, 2006

Joshua and I both slept in a bit, he actually woke me up about seven which was a whopping hour later than normal.

“You and I need to work on this sleeping late thing.” 

But I got up and first it was changing the wet diaper and then it was fixing his bottle and sitting down to feed him. He ate quietly and actually with less spills and after a good burp I laid him in the bouncer and sat him on the kitchen island so I could fix myself something and clean up. About the only thing I ate at home was breakfast it felt like. I considered giving him a taste of what I had but the doctor had been specific when I asked, no solids for at least four months. 

“Sorry little man, the evil doctor said no.” 

He kicked his feet and moved his hands but didn’t seem to care at all. I got all of his bottles together and first washed them by hand and then used the sterilizer to clean them. I then washed his milk mixer and the containers I used here at the house and the one from the studio. He and I had a rousing conversation about how he needed to learn this stuff too. When he got quiet I found him asleep, so I kept on with my tasks and let him be. He woke up about ten which was perfect, he got a clean diaper and his next bottle and then I got him changed into a romper for the day and we headed out. I parked in front of the studio and took him inside, he was about asleep so I laid him down in the pack and play, I then went to the back to see if her car was here. I had come in the other way, sure enough her car was parked in the same spot. 

I walked over not expecting her to be here but she was in the passenger’s seat asleep. I blinked, was she seriously sleeping here too? What had happened with the hotel?! I rapped on the window which was cracked about an inch.

“Cassandra?” I asked.

She didn’t even budge, no movement at all. She had the pants and the long-sleeve shirt on and I could see sweat on her face.

“Cassie! Wake up.” I called.

I knocked harder but she didn’t move so I tried the door, it actually opened. 

“Cassie! Wake up. It’s Zac, come on.” 

She barely even moved. I didn’t know if she had any medical conditions or anything but her wallet was laying right in the console, so I got it. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be this nosey but if she had seizures I needed to know! There were no medical cards or insurance cards in her wallet, but what there was her license. I glanced at first but then my eyes went back. 

Cassandra D. Parker

She told me her last name was Morgan, but according to this it wasn’t. Meaning even if I ran a background it wouldn’t have been right and Jessica had called asking for a Morgan, which no one had but it didn’t mean that she hadn’t been there.

Had my family been right?

I shook her gently. “Cassandra.” 

Her eyes barely opened at all but I was getting pissed. Here she was outside the studio with no one here, she’d lied to me about her last name, which means everything she told me could be a lie. She was barely awake and I didn’t care, I was entrusting her with Joshua for three weeks and she hadn’t even told me her last name?! 

“Get up.” I said.

“Calvin?” 

Calvin? Who the hell was he? Did I really care at the moment? No, because I wanted fucking answers. I grabbed her arm and pulled her out, which seemed to wake her up some but not much. I headed inside and I was aware that she was stumbling and tripping on the way. I did let her go down the few steps without falling.

“What the hell Cassandra? You told me your last name was Morgan? What the fuck is this?” 

She just stared at me, as if she didn’t have a damn clue what I was saying.

“Cassandra! You agreed to watch my son for three fucking weeks and you didn’t even give me your last name? Explain this to me. What the fuck is going on? Tell me my family wasn’t right about you.” 

She took a step away from me. 

“Answer me.” I yelled.

Everything was crashing because if she lied then I had no sitter for the rest of the month or even next month and I doubted I’d be able to ask my parents without admitting they were right. But, she backed away and when her back hit the wall she just stood there. I walked to her trying to contain my anger. But when I was a foot away I could tell something wasn’t right.

“Cassandra. Say something.” 

“I…I…I’m sorry Calvin I just.. I couldn’t…”

I could still see the sweat running down her face, her collar was wet and her eyes were a blue pool of water which was also falling down her cheek. But it was when her eyes seemed to roll back that I got worried, because before long she was passed out in my arms. I laid her down but when I felt her forehead she was burning up. I tried to get her to wake up and she seemed to come around but when she saw me she backed away. 

“Cassie? It’s Zac. Are you okay?” 

She curled herself up in the corner but it was clear she wasn’t able to keep herself awake. Since Joshua was asleep and she was clearly acting very odd I went to the car. It felt weird but I checked the front area. I found water and then a box of sleeping pills that was mostly empty and a bottle of vodka that was also mostly empty, not to mention the inside of the car felt like a sauna. I went back inside and found her right where I left her.

“Cassie, look at me. How many of these did you take?” 

She looked at the box and then me. “I don’t…”

“Cassie, did you take these and drink too?” 

She just really didn’t seem to know. But, I couldn’t leave her here and I couldn’t put her back in the car, she would overheat for sure. I left her sitting there and went to check on Joshua right quick, make sure he was still asleep and when I got back she’d laid down and was out.

“Perfect.” 

I knew I couldn’t call my brothers because well, they would use this mixing alcohol and sleeping pills against her but I had a feeling there was some reason why. I could take her home with me but I couldn’t drive her car back and I didn’t want to leave it here. So, I called Clayton.

“What’s up Z?” 

“I need help.”

“Whatcha need help with?” 

“I’m at the studio, Cassandra is passed out in the studio floor and I need to get her car to my house.” 

“Why is she passed out in the floor?” 

“Apparently she took sleeping pills with vodka. I really don’t want a lecture on that either.” 

“Wasn’t planning one but maybe later. Hey, Annie’s here with me I’ll bring her and she can at least make sure she’s okay and you don’t need to take her to the ER.” 

“Okay. Thank you.” 

“No problem.” 

He arrived like fifteen minutes later and Annie was with him. Annie was his cousin and a trained nurse.

“Take me to her and then I want to see this elusive baby of yours.” 

I took her to Cassie first and she checked her vitals, Cassie never even woke up.

“Any idea how much she took?” 

“No. I asked and she couldn’t tell me.” 

“Why the hell is she wearing long sleeves?” 

“I don’t know but Taylor said there was a bruise on her side and she said she fell in the bathroom.” 

“Well, as much as I want to check that might be too far for me to go. Are you taking her to your house? Why?” 

“She’s been in hotels and I think the last few nights she’s been in the car. I don’t know why or what happened, but yes. I’ll take her to my house. I have a spare bedroom and at least I can keep a check on her.” 

“That’s a good idea. Her vitals seem fine so she should be okay. I’d get her in a cool room with these on unless you can get her to change. My advice would be not to change her yourself.” 

“No plans to do that.” 

We left Cassie there and I let her see Joshua, she even got lucky that he woke up for her, but it was nearing his next bottle so I fixed it.

“I’ll feed him. I haven’t gotten to see a little one this young in a while.”

We waited until he was almost done and then I went to see if I could get Cassie awake enough to get in my truck, but she was useless. So I ended up just carrying her and putting her in the front seat, even put the seatbelt on but she didn’t flinch. I then got his things and she put him in the car seat for me.

“So, Annie is driving my car but she has to follow me. Where do you want hers?” 

“In the garage, left side. I’ll open the door when I get there.” 

I handed him her keys and we set out. I got there first and got the door open. Annie took care of Joshua for me while I got Cassie and got her inside and up the steps. I was partially glad she didn’t weight that much, but our diet was shit and I didn’t understand how she weighted so little. I didn’t cover her up, it was cool inside but I couldn’t drop the temperature that much because of Joshua. 

I put his baby monitor in here with her and then went down stairs.

“This is a nice house.” 

“Thanks. Taylor helped with the furniture a bit.” 

“Get her laid down?” 

“Yep. I put the baby monitor in the room with her, he’ll be with me anyway. That way if she wakes up I’ll know at least.” 

“He looks just like you. Poor kid.” 

“I resent that.” 

They smiled and they did stay for just a bit before heading back out. I got my domestic duties done by washing and putting away clothes, of which Joshua quite enjoyed the basket ride upstairs. Once his clothes were put away and mine were put away I laid him in the crib and checked on Cassie. She’d turned over but she hadn’t gotten up. I tried to wake her up but I got mumbles in return. I did use his forehead thermometer to check her temperature which was normal, so I left her alone. 

I went back down with him but when he went to sleep after the three pm bottle I went to her car. She had lied to me about her name, she clearly told me her last name was Morgan and it’s what she told Saphira as well. Lying about your name could have many reasons but the idea that any of my family members were right, bugged me.

The trunk mostly had clothes, they were in baskets and a suitcase, not knowing what was clean or not I just sat them all by the washer and I felt so insanely creepy checking pockets as I put them in the machine. None of the pants pockets had anything in them, so I just started the machine. I checked on Joshua but I left the door open so I could hear him too. 

The only other bag in the trunk had toiletries, check stubs from the store, hotel receipts, and that was it. It did alarm me that she had hotel receipts and had moved around so much. It also alarmed me that she had debit and credit cards but no banking information. No checkbooks or statements and her phone bills had a Post Office address.

There weren’t any food wrappers, soda cans, or snack items. Just a few bottles of water. I did vacuum the car too and then went inside, I made dinner for two, but sat her plate in the microwave, because she hadn’t really woken up at all. I had tried again after dinner but she just mumbled and went back to sleep. So, Joshua and I had a fun afternoon and when I laid him down I checked on her one last time. I laid a thin blanket over her and went to bed myself.

I was pissed and mad that she’d lied to me but considering how she acted at the studio and it was clear she was also sleeping in the car, perhaps there was a reason and unlike my family I would listen to that reason before I fired her.


	20. The Whole Truth

POV: Cassandra 

  

August 28, 2006

When I opened my eyes I knew that I had slept way too long and hard. My head felt weird and I was more sore now than when I laid down. It wasn’t until I was little more awake that I realized I wasn’t in my car anymore. I was in a strange bed in a room I’ve never seen. I looked around the room. There was a closet at one end and the bed, it was pretty simple. The thin blanket over me was a deep green, the one I was laying on was also deep green. I sat up and found that my shoes were beside the bed and in the corner was a basket of clothes that were folded neatly and my toiletry bag was laying on top. 

Yet, I needed a bathroom because my bladder was not waiting much longer. The carpet was soft and plush and I liked the feel of it. I stepped out of the room and found the bathroom to be right beside the door. It wasn’t a super fancy room, basic tub, toilet, and sink. Laying on the sink were clean towels and a wash cloth. When I came out of the bathroom there was this funky little opening and then two more doors. On the left side was a room that decorated for a nursery but the crib was in the room on the right which was clearly a master bedroom. All of the bedrooms had the same plush off white carpet, the walls in the hallway were beige and that carried down the steps. 

The front door was closed and locked and the living area was quite simple, a sofa and a entertainment center but a swing was here, play mats, pack n play, clearly a baby lived here. But it was the pictures on the walls that said the baby that lived here was Joshua. I could hear talking and Joshua so I followed that through the living room and into this huge dining and kitchen area, with double doors leading to a little small space outside. Zac was standing at the stove and it smelled like bacon and eggs, Joshua was in his bouncer on the counter behind him.

He turned and made silly faces at Joshua which got him to squeal and then kick his arms and legs. He then looked at me.

“Good morning, I see you finally woke up.” 

“Yeah…um…where am I and how did I get here?” 

He smiled. “You got here because I brought you here and you are at my house.”

I gave him a confused look because I didn’t remember seeing him or coming here. But he fixed a plate and slid it to me.

“If you want butter or syrup or anything like that it’s in the fridge. I know you’re hungry you slept all day yesterday.” 

“I…don’t..” 

“I came by the studio Cassandra, you were passed out in the car. I couldn’t get you to wake up. Now, let’s eat, before little munchkin here decides he really does want eggs.”

We moved to the dining room where he placed Joshua on the table and continued to do silly faces or generally entertain him. I ate quietly, hoping it didn’t make me sick. Telling him I wasn’t hungry wasn’t going to work. It was going for nine when he took the empty plates to the kitchen and then fixed Joshua’s nine am bottle.

“Clean clothes and towels are upstairs, I’m sure you saw them. I’m sure you’ll want to shower. You were sweating pretty badly yesterday. It’ll also help you wake up and feel better.” 

It didn’t sound like a request so I got up and went back upstairs. I first found something to put on and laid it out on the bed, loose pants and a long-sleeve purple shirt. I then went and showered. The hot water was really nice here and when I got out I went back to the bedroom to get dried off and re-dressed. I made sure the door was locked and drying off was a careful process. I then got dressed and headed back downstairs. 

By now Joshua was in his swing and he was almost asleep. Zac was in the kitchen washing the few items up and when I came in the first thing I saw on the counter was my wallet, which was open to my driver’s license and laying beside it was my phone and the ring. 

“I called Taylor and Isaac about seven and told them you called me sick and couldn’t come in today. Since you cannot watch him I would have to. We’re taking today and probably tomorrow off as well.”

He finished putting the last few plates in the drainer and then turned around, leaned against the sink. He didn’t look like he was super pissed off, but he wasn’t really thrilled either and I could imagine why. 

“I am going to ask you just once. You’re driver’s license is laying right there and it was renewed in April and in order for you to have them you’d have to provide the right documentation. Why did you tell me your last name was Morgan, when it’s clearly not?”

“Morgan technically is my last name, it’s my maiden name. Theoretically, it wasn’t a lie it just wasn’t the correct last name at this time.” 

“You do know that the lawyer would have had to have your license and documents to prove your identity before she would have drawn up the papers. You know that was occurring this week.”

“I am aware of that and I am aware that I would have had to tell you and her what the name was.”

“So, if Morgan is your maiden name, then Parker is your married name? You never mentioned being married or divorced. Why did you lie about that?”

I picked up the wedding band and ran my fingers over it. Just based on how his family was and how he sounded I presumed I’d be asking Saphira for that help now. I took a few deep breaths trying to calm the torrent of emotions and nerves crashing over me.

“Parker is my married name, but I’m not divorced. Legally, I am still married. I didn’t lie about anything else, just the last name.”

“You are married?” he asked.

I detected this unknown emotion in that, almost a sadness.

“Legally? Yes. Emotionally? No. I left him in May.” 

“Is his name Calvin? You mentioned that name yesterday a few times after I found you.” 

“Yes, it is. I said his name? I don’t remember much of yesterday.” 

“Why Cassandra? Why did you take so many of them and then chase them with vodka?”

I took a deep breath. “I was trying to sleep. I haven’t been able to really sleep once I’m in the car. I knew that Sunday was off day and I wouldn’t have him. I figured they’d work.” 

“Half a box? Did you know you took that many?” 

“No. I took two around four, when I was still awake at six I took more. I guess after the last dose they kicked in finally.” 

“To sleep?” 

“Yes.” 

“Cassie I could barely wake you up a little bit, but then you just passed out. Why didn’t you just go back to the hotel? Your car was already getting warm when I showed up, you were out cold. Do you even know what would have happened had I not been suspicious?” 

“I don’t think I was really caring at that moment. I just wanted to sleep.” 

To not be in pain, to be able to close my eyes and not see him.

“You could have gone back to your hotel, you’re car didn’t move for days. Why?”

“The hotel wasn’t safe anymore, none of them are.”

“You’ve got to do better Cassandra. My family already thinks that every one of my decisions are stupid and irrational, they don’t like that I am leaving him with you. You know this. What if Taylor or Isaac had found you? My parents? Jessica? Do you think they would remotely allow me to leave him with you? I’m not even sure I should at this moment. You have to give me some reason. You’ve been at the studio for more than two days, you could have been at the hotel. You’re receipt said you paid for the week.” 

“It wasn’t safe.” 

“And you think sleeping in your car, in an alley is safer?” 

I didn’t know how to explain why they weren’t safe without telling him what Calvin had done. I didn’t think he would believe that. No one had before and I’d told cops, friends, family members, and none of them really believed me that he was capable of hurting me. I didn’t know how to prove to him that they weren’t safe and that my car in that alley really was safer. It was clear he was confused and it was clear my hesitation wasn’t helping his slight anger. But, Joshua cried out from the living room, which he went to check on him.

I followed him and all Joshua really wanted was to be moved from the swing to his bed, a few words and he was sound asleep again. It was different to see him here, he really did seem more fatherly here than anywhere else. I sat on the sofa while he got him settled back down. He then sat down on the other end.

“Why is the hotel not safe and the car, in the alley, is safe?” 

“He can find me in a hotel and because he is my husband he can get a key without me knowing. He doesn’t like the Brady District for some reason, he wouldn’t drive through and he wouldn’t expect me to be there.” 

“Why is him finding you bad?”

“Because he’s mad I left. Mad that I wouldn’t come back to him. He’s mad I won’t wear the ring anymore. Finding me in a hotel means he can trap me in the room like he did Wednesday. I thought I was careful and that I was moving enough that he couldn’t find me. I shouldn’t have gone to the hotel there.” 

“He found you Wednesday?” 

“Yes.”

“What happened?” 

I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up as high as I could, comfortably. The bruises weren’t as bad here, but they were still painful. I didn’t stop him from running his fingertips over my arm, they felt warm, soft and his touch was tender. It didn’t hurt.

“Is that all he did?” 

I shook my head no. “Just a small part of it.” 

“What else did he do Cassandra?” 

I lifted the right side of the shirt some, it was that side that was the worst because he’d kicked me there as well as hit me. It was much deeper and no matter how careful he was it hurt still.

“It goes all the way around, up to my shoulders and the marks stop somewhere around mid-thigh. It was my fault for leaving, my fault for not listening and going back when he told me. I couldn’t get out of the room, he put the chair in front of the door.” 

I didn’t stop him when he moved the shirt some around my back. I really hadn’t told anyone about Wednesday and I hadn’t told anyone of a lot of the incidents. I was used to being told to shut up or deal, that I was lying. So, recounting what he said or did was hard. The fact that he listened was good. I really hadn’t wanted to mention the aspect of sex, but it was part of his attack as well.

I really didn’t notice him sliding closer and before I even realized what was happening I was crying on his shoulder. Not that he seemed to mind that, and he was careful in his movements to comfort me. Not causing additional pain or discomfort. He remained sitting here until Joshua began to whine some. I started to get up but he stopped me.

“I’ve got him, you just sit here and calm down.” 

It was his noon feeding time so he changed the dirty diaper and then fixed him a bottle, he sat quietly as he fed him and then he got in the floor and laid Joshua on the play mat. He seemed to like that he could kick the foot and create sounds.

“He needs one of those at the studio.” 

“I’ve been meaning to get one actually, he sometimes likes it.” 

He was sometimes moving something for Joshua but he glanced at me. “How did you meet him?” 

I remained on the sofa but leaned forward some. “I was taking a few photography classes at the college campus and he was there, October 2000. He is older than me and we dated a while, I was 16 when I met him. The whole time we dated he was super nice. We had our arguments, everyone does but not once did he hit me or even raise his hand. My parents didn’t like him, so when I was 17 they denied us the marriage license. We got married a few days after my 18 th birthday. We moved here in August of 2002.” 

“When did he change?” 

“Right after we got married and especially when we moved here away from people. It was simple things at first, a little shove or a push. The first time he really hurt me was Valentines 2003, he bought this outfit and I was sick, didn’t feel like wearing it right then. He kept getting worse after that, I wasn’t cleaning something right or didn’t make the bed right.”

“Is this the first time you’ve left?” 

“No. I left him in January 2004 also, right after the new year.” 

“But you went back, why?” 

Joshua was just kicking his feet like crazy and the music was going on and on, but he was happy and it showed. It was already hurting that I would have to leave him.

“He’d hit me pretty hard on New Year’s and I was having really bad headaches, my mom got worried and took me to the doctor. They ran a bunch of test and it turned out I was pregnant, over four months at that time. I told him when he called and he made a bunch of promises about how he’d be better. He was really excited and really happy to be having a baby.”

Math clearly was his best subject. “You were due in June?” 

“Yeah, not far off his birthday actually. I went back and found an OB, made the appointment and at the 5 month checkup they ran a battery of tests because I hadn’t seen anyone yet. They asked about the bruises and I just lied like I had been for years. They didn’t see anything wrong. I could feel some movement and two weeks later it stopped and I started bleeding very badly. He rushed me to the ER and they tried multiple ways to find a heartbeat and couldn’t. He chose what happened and his mother told him that what I deserved was a D and E. Which is basically them dilating me and then just removing everything. I never got to see her and that wasn’t my decision. It was hers.” 

I stopped him from getting up, I didn’t need to be comforted all the time. I mean, I was used to this.

“What happened after that?” 

“I came home from the hospital and three hours later I was back. He broke my arm, he blamed me. Told me it was something I did and he was sure of it. The doctor couldn’t find a reason and none was ever given, just happened. Part of his anger Wednesday was he found out the vitamins I was taking weren’t vitamins, they were birth control pills.” 

“You didn’t tell him about them?” 

“I went in for the check up afterwards and after the beating he gave me and breaking my arm I couldn’t see myself raising a baby with him. I was fearful that if he was like Joshua was with colic that he’d hit him or me. I couldn’t. So, I asked for them and I’d put them in a generic vitamin bottle.”

“Didn’t stop him from trying did it?” 

“No. Each negative test was another beating, which I was okay taking.” 

He frowned and I could see the anger in his eyes too. 

“You said you worked for a day care center, which one?” 

“You took Joshua there. I was at Parker’s Daycare.” 

“They didn’t say you worked there.” 

“Anna Parker is my mother-in-law. I started there after his Valentines beating because he wanted his Mom to watch me basically. Make sure I wasn’t doing anything I shouldn’t be. She put me in most of the shitty jobs at a daycare center, cleaning mostly but sometimes other things. She often put me with the under six weeks old group because them screaming didn’t bother me. I would rather listen to a baby scream for three hours than listen to her scream at me. She didn’t even give me a break when I lost her. Two weeks after she put me in with the newborns and even laughed because one of them was born the same day.”

“Wait, you lost a child and this bitch put you with the newborns two weeks later?” 

“Yes. I really didn’t have a choice but to stay then, it was depressing but being around them kind of lead me to the decision for the birth control. He’s bad but his mom is the same, I was certain that I wouldn’t be raising my baby, she would.” 

“How come they didn’t mention you when we called? Surely they knew Morgan was your last name before.” 

“Legally I didn’t work there, no tax records no employee records. It’s possible she recognized my name but she wouldn’t have told you or Jessica that I worked there before. If she said anything odds are she’d say I was horrible.”

“Do you want to go back to him?” 

“No. He’s not going to stop hitting me and he’s not going to stop hurting me. Worse now because he won’t let me take anything and I really don’t want kids with him.”

“So, what happened at the store, really.” 

Joshua was still kicking but it was clear he was getting tired. 

“One of his co-workers saw me and told him, he tried to get me to come back. Mrs. Peggy ran him off two days but the third day he caught me in the cooler. I had to tell Saphira because she saw him pull me into the cans and stuff. I quit because he wouldn’t have stopped coming there and causing problems.” 

He picked Joshua up off the mat because he was getting fussy, sat him down in his lap with one of the toys. He fixed his three pm bottle as well and this time he laid him down to nap. 

“Did you really cancel all of your social media accounts?” 

“I did, but the drama wasn’t like average teen stuff. He would get mad when some guy liked something, especially a picture. He hated the comments and really I couldn’t stop them. It was easier to just delete them. He ran most of my actual friends off and the few that remained just faded over time because I was never allowed to talk to them.” 

“It’s why Saphira is the only person you talk to?” 

“Yeah. She really is the only person outside of you that I speak to.”

“Is there anything that I should know?”

“That’s basically it. I knew I’d have to eventually tell you I just…it’s not always easy and usually no one believes me anyway.” 

“It’s hard for me not to, those aren’t fake bruises and marks. Do you need to see a doctor, I can arrange for one.” 

“I’m fine. It’ll hurt for a bit and they’ll fade. I don’t feel like anything is broken. I mean I can breathe well and I don’t feel any intense pain or anything, just hurts.” 

“I’ve noticed the last few days the changes, slowly sitting and little moments that seemed painful. You weren’t eating right.” 

“I usually don’t afterwards, mostly because I feel so sick after them that eating is bad.”

“Well, my ability to cook dinners is pretty limited. I didn’t really have a plan tonight but I can whip up spaghetti pretty easily. I may have to run and get some things for it though.” 

“I didn’t think I’d still be here for that.” 

“Why would you think that?” 

“You definitely aren’t happy and I guess I don’t see you forgiving me for that and then leaving him with me. Not that I blame you for that.” 

He leaned back. “I’d be a complete idiot to fire you. Granted, yes I was really pissed off yesterday when I found your license and the thought did occur to me. But, I’m not like everyone else. I wanted to know why beforehand and you provided those answers.”

“But…” 

“Cassandra, I understand why you did it. Under your married name it would be easier for him to find you and I would presume if we called and asked for Parker then your mother-in-law would have asked more.” 

“Maybe. I just didn’t think you’d be keeping me.” 

“No fear. You really are the best option for him and he adores you and it’s quite clear you adore him too. But, I do owe you an apology.” 

“For what?” 

“Being a really nosey person and cleaning your car out. I was worried that Taylor and the others would be right and that you were somehow in cahoots with his mom. I had to make sure you weren’t and that you weren’t planning to run away with him.” 

“I saw the basket upstairs.” 

There was a slight red tint that crept into his face. “The rest of your clothes are in the bottom of the closet.” 

I blinked. “All of them?” 

“I washed whatever was in the car. Followed tags because I wasn’t sure. Cleaned out the trash, brought everything inside.” 

I was so very confused. He had not only washed everything, which presumably included my underwear, but he’d brought everything inside. Why would be bring the stuff inside?!

“Why inside?” 

“I didn’t know the reason why or the reasons behind why you were even in hotels but I cannot just let you sleep in a car. I was toying with the idea beforehand but now? You can stay here as long as you want.”

“I…What?” 

“I’m not going to allow you to sleep or live in your car, Cassandra. I can’t let you go knowing that is your intention and that you may not have anywhere else to go. If you want to stay you can. I mean, you’ll be here in a few weeks anyway. This way you can get used to the house and where things are. I highly doubt Joshua would mind you being here.” 

He was offering me a place to stay that wasn’t a hotel or the car. I should be mad that he went through everything but I really couldn’t be. I understood that he had to make sure I wouldn’t hurt Joshua in any way. 

“I don’t guess I have a choice, you used the baby that’s not fair.” 

“But it’s true. He’s not going to mind you being here.”

“I get the feeling his dad wouldn’t either.” 

“I won’t. I mean when I am home he’s the only person I have to talk to.” 

“So…what _do_ you have in the kitchen?” 

“Not much of anything really. I usually order pizza.” 

I got up and went to the kitchen, he followed me and I looked through. He wasn’t kidding, most everything in the kitchen was formula and baby bottles. Random snacks and random stuff that really couldn’t make a dinner besides breakfast stuff.

“I told you I’d probably have to go to a store if you wanted anything.” 

“I’d volunteer but I have no idea where I am, so I can’t even tell you where a store is.” 

“Woodward Park Townhouses, the park is across the street. No worries though, you’re car is my garage and I’m on the back side end.” 

“Well…if you want dinner here then a store is required.” 

He sighed. “I don’t want to wake him up. You want to stay with him and I’ll run and get whatever?” 

“That’s fine.” 

I wrote down a few things and he left. Honestly, I was shocked that he trusted me to stay here but I sat in the living room thinking about this. What if Calvin found me here? I really wasn’t far from his mother and she would totally tell him. If he came here would he hurt Joshua?! 

Zac really wasn’t gone long before he was back with the items and then extra stuff. But he insisted on cooking which he did pretty good with the spaghetti. If he had other concerns he didn’t voice them at this moment and I wasn’t sure if he just hadn’t thought of them yet, or he had but didn’t deem them worth asking.

Joshua had his six pm bottle and then got entertained a while. Despite sleeping all day I went to bed when he and Joshua did at 9:45.

It took forever to fall asleep but I slept okay.


	21. Modified Plans

POV: Zac / Cassandra

 

August 31, 2006; Thursday

I had taken Tuesday off as well, not because Cassie wasn’t able to watch him. She was more than capable and more than willing. But, I wanted to know more. I requested to see any part of her that she was willing to show me. I had thought that her arm, back, and side were bad but even her upper thighs were bad. I had resisted the urge to leave her here with Joshua and go to the house she shared with that piece of shit and leave him looking far worse than she ever had. 

She told me more of what he did, how her mother in law was, and I was truly appalled that I’d ever left Joshua there. Her mother in law was just as bad as he was, having no real fear of hitting her. He’d locked her in closets for hours because of stupid bullshit. I really wanted to stomp his ass all over the Brady District. Hate the district? He sure would when I was done. 

His threat that her parents would never find her did really alarm me, it wasn’t a direct threat to her life but it was enough for me. She couldn’t stay inside the house for three weeks in September. It wasn’t right to keep her confined in there anyway, she needed fresh air and so would Joshua.

I had woken up before Joshua but she was laying right against me. Retelling the story had caused her to have nightmares, she’d woken up Tuesday morning and I’d put her in here with me. It was much less stressful for me to sooth her back to sleep when she was whimpering than it was to sooth her and Joshua because her screams woke him up. 

It took seconds to realize that I was painfully hard and that was pressing against her! I moved away trying not to wake her up.

“You didn’t have to move, I was rather comfortable.” 

Shit! “I really did have to.” 

She giggled. “You are a normal red blooded male Zachary. If I was terrified of erections I wouldn’t be in your bed knowing that you are a male and fully capable.” 

Yep, pretty sure my face went ten shades darker and thoughts? What thoughts? Thank god Joshua started to babble from the crib and I could get up, but I heard her giggle again.

“Saved by the baby.” 

“Who totally needs clean clothes and a clean bed.” 

“Why not just give him a bath?” 

“I may as well, Joshua honey how did you manage this?”

“If he could answer he would probably say in your half-asleep state you didn’t quite put the diaper on tight enough to contain. You go bathe with him and I’ll get you some clean clothes for him ready and take care of the sheets.” 

I stripped him down in the crib, the sheet was going to require washing anyway. He didn’t mind, I’d just put him in the shower with me. I had everything off and of course, he had to pee on me when I had him up. Which amused her to no end.

“I’m sure he’s done this to you.” 

“Nope. Never. Enjoy your shower though.” 

I went to the bathroom and got myself and Joshua cleaned up and she wasn’t in the room when I came out but his crib had clean sheets and a clean blanket. I laid him on the bed while I put underwear on at least and then got him re-dressed. She’s laid out a red romper with little sea captain on it, once he was completely dressed I got ready and we went downstairs. 

Cassie was already changed for the day, going with Capri’s and a long sleeve shirt, which covered the bruises and that was the only reason she was wearing them. She had his bottle ready and heated, which he loved and she had oatmeal cooking. She really made mornings so nice. 

“Am I driving in with you or following?”

“Drive with me, we have a stop before we go in. May want to fix your hair before you leave.” 

“Okay.” 

Once all three of us were fed and ready she checked his diaper bag, filled it up and then we left. My first stop was the Tulsa County Clerk’s office.

“Why are we here?” 

“You and Joshua need a passport and this is where we apply.” 

“Passport?” She asked.

“I trust you Cassie, I know that Joshua is safe with you. But with your husband’s comments about them not finding you I’m worried about him breaking in and really hurting you and then hurting him because he’s there. Or taking you and leaving him alone. So, I can’t change my plans but I can change yours.”

“Why would I need a passport though?” 

“Because you’re going to South Africa with me and him. He needs one also, so here we are.”

“I….what?” She asked.

“Can’t do anything about it either, I’ve already changed the hotel arrangements there. You and Joshua will be with me and you’ll be there to watch him when I can’t and Calvin can’t touch you.”

She just stared at me until I got out and got him, she came with me and I was glad she had the proper things. I hadn’t even told my brothers yet that she and Joshua were traveling with us and I wasn’t sure how I felt about telling them why. But, I couldn’t risk Calvin finding her and breaking in. Whether he hurt her or Joshua or both, I’d fly home just to beat his ass for it. If he killed them…well, there wouldn’t be a band anymore. I’d be in jail. The application process went rather smoothly, to expedite them was expensive as hell but I had to have them.

We left the Clerk’s office and it was a quick drive to the studio. 

“So, if anyone should ask why I am with you?” 

“You parked at the house. They don’t know you are staying with me and I would imagine they’re going to be irritated when I tell them you’re coming with me and I booked Ike a separate room.” 

“Okay.” 

We headed inside and honestly, no one paid attention to how we both arrived at the same time. She took him to the office and I went to the studio where Taylor and Isaac were already talking about the upcoming trip. I pulled up a stool and sat down. 

“We were thinking about having a choir do some vocals there.” Ike said.

“Sounds like a good idea to me.” 

“Cassie feeling better?” Taylor asked.

“Yeah, she has Joshua in the office. And since you both seem to be in good moods, there’s been a change of plans.”

“Change of plans? What are you talking about?” Ike asked.

“Everything has been taken care of but Joshua is going with me and Cassandra is too. I cannot say why they’re going but they are.” 

Neither of them said anything at first and then they laughed. 

“Seriously Zac? Way to be funny.” Ike said.

“Not being funny Isaac. I’ve already changed the hotel accommodations, you’ll be on your own instead of with me and they’ll be with me. I had to take a earlier flight so I could put us sitting together. I applied for their passports today and expedited them, we should have them by Thursday.”

Yep, that’s the face I was looking for! The pissed off one.

“What the fuck are you talking about? YOU said you weren’t taking Joshua because of the risk.” Taylor said.

“I know and I contacted his doctor and I’ll just have to make sure he’s taken care of and not with us in some areas. I’ve also hired a private security guard to travel with us so that she has someone with her when we can’t be . Harper is welcome to utilize him when you aren’t there.” 

Taylor blinked. “Why the fuck are you bringing her?” 

“I can’t say. But, the circumstances dictate that it is not in the best interest of Joshua to leave them here without me and I can’t be that far away. She agreed to travel with me so that she can watch him and I know he’ll be taken care of by someone he trusts and is comfortable with. The decision isn’t up for debate, they are going with me. I’ve done everything I need to do. I’ve changed hotels, I’ve changed flights, I’ve bought tickets, I’ve ensured that both of you don’t have to do anything. She is going to the doctor next week to ensure she gets the right vaccines.” 

Isaac was totally pissed off and showed it by storming out, based on the mumbling he was leaving. But Taylor sat back in the chair and moments passed.

“Is there anything you can tell me that would help explain why you have suddenly changed your mind about leaving him? There has to be a reason.” 

I considered it, I promised Cassandra that I wouldn’t say anything about what she told me. That included my brothers. 

“All I can tell you is that it has nothing to do with Cassie herself, it’s nothing she’s done. But, information that I have has determined that I had to change the plans. So, I did. You can both be mad all you want but I made sure that neither of you had to change anything. Isaac gets his own room and doesn’t have to share. She’ll be with me.” 

He leaned forward. “You’ve made some really stupid decisions the last year. I understand that Cassandra is great with Joshua, but Zac she’s his babysitter and not your problem. If there is something personally going on in her life outside this job, then she needs to handle it herself. Don’t let her be another Megan, this band cannot handle that Zac.” 

“She’s not another Megan, Taylor.” 

“I’m just saying.”

“You know, you guys would know she isn’t like Megan if you stopped treating her like a plague. She has feelings and she isn’t stupid. She believes that you and the others hate her. That you don’t want to have anything to do with her. Everyone welcomed Megan, Isaac doesn’t trust me enough to even introduce me to his girlfriend.”

“He dumped her.” 

“Why?” 

“She kept asking about you, where you were, why he hadn’t introduced the two of you.”

“That’s not my fault.” 

“He knows that Zac. He said he left her because he wondered if it was something in the lines of Megan.”

“I can’t make him get over her. But, I guess I’ll go be productive while he cools off.” 

“Yeah. He’ll be fine.” 

Taylor headed to his office and I went to mine. We didn’t get long before Isaac was back but he was no less irritated or pissed off than when he left. But, we tried!

 

**Cassandra-**

A passport. So I could go to South Africa _with_ him. Granted in all the years that I’d been alive, I’d never dreamed that South Africa would be a place I could visit or would ever be in. I never anticipated leaving the United States and now, I was leaving for three weeks. He’d left and come back and then went back again, but I know that Isaac was irritated and pissed off, so when he’d gone by I’d not bothered to say anything. 

Joshua didn’t lay down until after the noon bottle and Saphira must have known when he naps because she sent her message then.

**_Checking on you. Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while._ **

Because there was so much I closed the office door and called her. She answered on the second ring.

“Hey, haven’t really heard from you.” 

“Things have been a little crazy.” 

“The store has been too, lot of inventory stuff going on.” 

“It’s that time of year for them, I recall they do inventory every few months.” 

“Yeah, pretty use to it but she’s been working us more. So, what hotel are you in this week? I’ll come by tomorrow morning and we can get lunch.” 

“I’m um…I’m not in a hotel.” 

The line was silent. “You did not go back to him. If you did I am coming to drag your ass to my house.” 

“No. Not with him.” 

“Cassandra, what happened?” 

“He found me.”

“Are you okay? You sound okay, but that means nothing.” 

I checked to make sure that Jessica wasn’t eavesdropping, that girl was super quiet and sneaky when she wanted to be.

“I’m okay, just sore as hell. He came in, did his usual and then left. I left the hotel and parked here at the studio. But, I couldn’t sleep so I tried some of those over the counter aids, took too much. Lucky Zac came in Sunday and I woke up Monday morning in his guest room.”

“You…did what? Cassie you should have called me. I have rooms.” 

“It’s fine. I told Zac what happened and who he was.” 

“Ex-boyfriend from hell.” 

“Saphira...Calvin’s not my ex-boyfriend.”

“You said he was.” 

“Calvin’s is my husband Saphira. We’ve been married for four years and Morgan is my maiden name but Parker is my married name. Zac found my license.” 

She was quiet. “Calvin is your husband? You’re married?” 

“Yes. We got married right after my 18 th birthday. Everything else is the same.” 

“Are you still keeping Joshua next month?” 

“Yes. In fact I am. But, Um…I’m not staying at his house with Joshua anymore.” 

“Please tell me he didn’t have you stay with his parents. They don’t like you and that is not going to work.” 

“Actually, he’s taking Joshua with him to South Africa and he’s taking me.” 

Again, she was quiet for what felt like forever. “You’re going to South Africa with Zac and Joshua?” 

“Yes. He told his brothers a little while ago and they’re pissed like normal. But, Calvin told me when he left if I left and he found me again not even my parents would find me. It was enough for Zac to decide that leaving us here alone wasn’t entirely safe. I understand his stance because if Calvin found me there is no telling what he’d do to me or to Joshua.”

“How bad did he hurt you?” 

“Not as badly as he has before, no broken bones.”

“Meet me somewhere. I want to see that you’re okay.” 

“I can’t Saphira, Joshua’s asleep.” 

“Meet me for dinner then, he won’t be asleep then. I’ll come there and park and walk with you. We can even bring them dinner back.” 

“Okay, meet me here at 5.” 

“Be there at 5.” 

I hung up and sent him a text which was fine with him, she’d be outside the studio and I wouldn’t be alone. The afternoon was spent entertaining Joshua, feeding him and changing him and before five I got what I’d need for the trip and got his stroller out of the truck. Yet Zac was waiting at five by the door.

“I’d like to meet her.” 

“She’d probably enjoy that.” 

So, when she knocked he opened the door. 

“I…wow…I didn’t expect you to open the door!”

“I wanted to meet you.” 

I got Joshua situated while they talked a few minutes. She didn’t seem to approve of my long sleeves but we headed down to Mexicali’s anyway. Yet she directed me to the bathroom first.

“What did he do?” 

Showing her was easier because well, I didn’t mind if she saw my bra or my panties and she didn’t look happy. But we then got a table and ordered.

“Has Zac seen them?” 

“Not as much as you have but yeah. I couldn’t find any other way to justify not being in a hotel. I had to show him. He’s seen my arms and most of the legs, sides and my back.”

“Tell me you aren’t going back.” 

“I can’t go back Saphira. I just…” 

“Why did you finally leave?”

“Because he was bringing other women home and expecting me to just deal with it. He was also getting worse with the hits, the hits were harder and the end result worse. I left because I was afraid that he was going to kill me. I knew when I left he was going to be mad and pissed off.” 

I fixed Joshua’s bottle as she absorbed the information and then got him from the stroller. I was acutely aware of the people that were around us and I positioned him so that if anyone did take photos, they only got the back of his head.

She smiled. “He looks more like Zac by the day. So, how is it staying with him? You’ve been there a few days.” 

“Different.” 

“Different?” She asked.

“I’ve been wary of them all really, I’m not use to a man not wanting to hit me. So, like at the house Zac takes care of him and doesn’t require I do anything. It’s so different. Calvin would expect me to do everything.” 

“Zac isn’t Calvin.” 

“Far from it.”

I did consider telling her that I wasn’t necessarily sleeping in the guest room, despite the fact that all of my clothes and items were in there. Tuesday morning he’d been quick and understanding but trying to calm both me and Joshua down wasn’t easy. Tuesday night he’d just directed me to his room.

I probably shouldn’t be in his bedroom, but I couldn’t deny that knowing he was a few feet away felt nice and he had the ability to wake me up long before I got too deep into those dreams. Waking up being beside him was different, it felt different.

“So, are you just going to stay with him?” 

“For the time being, yes. I mean it’s a few weeks until we leave anyway so there isn’t much time for me to do anything. It’s a stable place and lets me get use to Joshua’s at home routine since I’ll pretty much have him alone in South Africa. I don’t know the guys schedule but I know Zac mentioned there are a few areas Joshua can’t go to because he can’t have a Malaria vaccine.”

“If I could get the time off I’d volunteer to come with you. But, Peggy wouldn’t approve and really that’s a long vacation.” 

The waiter brought our plates and Joshua sat in my lap playing with one of the plush toys while I ate. I turned in their orders when we were about half-way done that way they had time to fix it and I could get it there before it was cold.

“So, plans on the Calvin issue?” 

“I need to file for a divorce but I’m not sure how or what to do.” 

“Ask Zac, he had to have a family lawyer to get custody of Joshua.” 

“Yeah.”

“Would you ask for anything?” 

“I have everything of value to me with me. I really didn’t have that much there with him.”

“You didn’t have anything you valued?” 

“When we moved here we stayed with his parents until the house sale was finalized. So, I didn’t bring a lot with me like photo albums and stuff. I just never really brought it here and the ones I had at the house I have with me. Everything else is packed up at my parents house in Florida.” 

“What are you doing once the divorce is final?”

“I have no idea. I really don’t want to leave Joshua but I may have to.” 

“Or…you could just stay with Zac.” 

“That depends on him.” 

She smiled and she refused to let me pay for our dinner, but I did pay for the guys order. She used the stroller to take the items back and I carried him. Zac let her stay as long as we stayed up front for a bit and we did. But once she was gone I asked him to come to the office.

“What’s up?” 

I held up my phone. “This guy followed us back and while we were up front I could see him outside. Do you know him? I don’t.” 

He checked the photo. “I don’t know him but if you see him again stay inside and come get me or one of them. Odds are just a fan or paparazzi guy.” 

“Just wanted to be sure you didn’t hire him or something.” 

“Nope.”

We were at the studio until 11 and Isaac and Taylor both seemed very irritated that I was riding with him, but neither said anything. Once we got to the house I laid Joshua down and then got ready for bed. I did plan to sleep in the guest room and I did lay down there. But it lasted for just a few hours before I made my way back to his room, he was still awake watching TV. He just smiled and patted the bed beside him. 

If Calvin was mad that his belt and shirt was in the room, I didn’t even want to imagine how he’d take me sleeping here beside him. But, it felt safe and comfortable.


	22. Packing Problems

POV: Cassandra

 

September 8, 2006 

I woke up before Joshua or Zac. He was right against my back the warm air moving across my neck. I wondered if he ever really did anything sex wise, because I often woke up to feeling him against my butt, hard and ready. But he didn’t seem to take care of it after he got up. It really didn’t bother me, it wasn’t the first time and at least with him I wasn’t expected to do anything. I did have to admit though, just by what I could feel he was bigger than Calvin.

Why I bothered to think about that was beyond me, then again why I was still sleeping here beside him each night was also beyond me. He hadn’t had to wake me up in days and I was sure I’d be fine to sleep alone. I eased myself out of the bed without waking him up and found Joshua to be awake already.

“Morning bright eyes.” I said.

He smiled at me and those little legs went crazy. I picked him up and kissed his sweet cheeks and then went to his room. I let Zac sleep, he’d been up far later than us as they made final plans and worked as late as possible. I changed the diaper and put a clean onesie on him with a thin pair of pants. We then went downstairs where he got his first bottle. 

I was finding the concept of going to Florida and going home without him to be a very painful thought. It felt like he needed me here as badly as Zac did. It was clear that he loved me, even though Joshua had no reason to feel that way beyond I was the girl that was caring for him. Yet the way he looked at me and responded said it was deeper for him.

Our passports had arrived yesterday and Saphira had taken me shopping with Joshua Tuesday. She got me a travel set and I got one for Joshua too. She’d also added clothes to my wardrobe without really asking. It was different being taken care of and not required to do anything in return but simply say thanks.

Zac didn’t come downstairs until after ten, Joshua and I were in a rousing conversation and he just paused.

“Are you two having a good conversation? Is this a tell on Daddy conversation.” 

“Started that way, he totally said you cheated the other night and had the bottle ready an hour early.” 

“Hey, he’s the one that cried for it.” 

He kissed his forehead and I almost swear that he started to do the same to me but stopped.

“You got up early.” 

“About six, he was already awake and since you didn’t get in bed until after two I figured you deserved sleep.” 

“My brain thanks you. Did you fix breakfast?”

“Yep. You have a plate in the microwave.” 

He headed to the kitchen and I resumed my conversation with Joshua. When he came back in he sat down beside me. 

“What’s on the agenda today? I know you aren’t going to the studio.” 

“Packing because while Taylor and Isaac leave Sunday. You and I leave tomorrow. So, the three of us have to be packed up and ready to go.” 

“Packing, fun. You have that fun.” 

“Oh no, you have to help with yours and his.” 

“What? Why can’t you?” 

“I’ll be packed and ready before you even decide what to put in there.” 

“You’ve done this multiple times though, we haven’t.” 

He did wait until after his noon bottle and I laid him down in the crib. He was really good about putting himself to sleep so we went to his closet. 

“How do you plan?” 

“One outfit a day mostly. I mean, I have enough clothes to accomplish that. I then plan at least a few extra for the week in case something happens and then more than enough underwear and socks.” 

“You pack, I’ll watch.” 

Sure enough his first task was laying everything out onto the bed. I watched as he laid out complete outfits. Underwear, pants, socks, two shirts per outfit. He added at least two extra suits each week and then extras socks and extra underwear and t-shirts.

“Are you moving there?” 

“No. But, I don’t want to have to buy something when I am there.” 

“Sure about that?” 

“Yes. Joshua will probably have everything the kid owns.” 

“No doubt. I am sure they have washing machines though.” 

“Ha ha.” 

Once everything he needed was laid out he put it into the suitcases, it was so neat and organized. 

“Why is your suitcase organized but your desk looks like a disaster?”

“I’m an organized packer.” 

Clearly he was and there was even a mental rundown of everything like brushes, hair bands, and even what he could take via plane for hygiene. Once his suitcases were packed up he dragged me to the spare room and this time he watched. When I didn’t lay out 21 outfits he raised an eyebrow.

“Ten’s not enough. Tell me you have more than ten pair of anything.” 

He nudged me to the side and then began laying out suits. Perhaps I should be alarmed that he seemed to pick every pair of thongs or the lacy types first, but he paired them well with the clothes laid out. 

“Um, no offense to you. But, I do need some of those unsexy ones over there.” 

He paused and looked at me confused. “Unsexy ones?” 

“Panties…you’ve chosen every pair of thongs or lacy type that I own. But, I really need those cotton ones there that are super comfy. I really don’t want to explain why.” 

He glanced at the suits laying on the bed. “I didn’t…shit. I guess I should have asked if it was okay before I just chose.” 

I walked over and got what I thought I’d need and then laid them with the looser pants, knowing when I’d wear those items. Once he had basically my entire closet laid out he looked at me.

“What do you want to sleep in?” 

“I’ll be in the room with you right?” 

“Yep. I don’t know if it’s single or double beds.” 

“I have some pajama bottoms bring those and some t-shirts. I also have like 2 pair of shorts.” 

He basically laid out 95% of my clothes and somehow managed to get it all into the suitcases with everything I would need. How? Was beyond me. We went to Joshua’s room last and planning for him was tedious. Mostly because we couldn’t totally tell about the temperature so he has 21 summery outfits and 21 pants suits at the least. He then just added another week’s worth of each set along with extra onesie and extra pants. I didn’t think the baby had that many clothes but it seemed like Zac bought extra stuff for this trip. Joshua woke up about 3:15 and I got him because Zac was running down his lists and packing bottles, toys, extra nipples, a carryon bag for the flight. I wasn’t even sure what all he was packing, but he had this list and he was using it!

I left him alone and fed Joshua, changed his diaper and then we got down in the floor for play time. He was trying to hold his head up so I was giving him more tummy time now, letting him work on strengthening those muscles. I was in the floor with him just playing and keeping him from being bored. I had just turned him over and got his overhead toys when Zac just collapsed into the floor and laid back.

Joshua looked over and laughed at him.

“Thanks a lot son. I pack everything you’ll need and you laugh at me.” 

“Did you move them to the truck?” 

“I have what I can, Taylor is going to drive us there and bring the truck back. I think Saphira said she would pick us up if needed?” 

“Yep.” 

“Then we’re good.” 

“You did leave me something to sleep in tonight right?” 

“What you have on, but I did get you a comfortable outfit for tomorrow. It’s almost a twenty hour flight so comfort is a must.” 

“What are we doing with him?”

“I got him a seat too so his car seat can be there and we can put him there to sleep and I’m bringing the carrier for the between flights. Otherwise, he’ll be in a lap or in the carrier.” 

“That is going to suck.” 

“Let’s hope not.” 

He laid back and I could admire from afar but I eventually moved to tickling Joshua, picking on him to keep him awake.

“You should pick on someone your own size there missy. Picking on a defenseless baby who can’t move his poor feet very far from you.” 

I raised my eyebrow a bit and went after Joshua’s foot, he would kick more and laugh some. But Zac closed his eyes and I carefully eased up and crawled next to him. It was his sides that were highly ticklish and he was completely defenseless as I attacked them. When he tried to move I stopped him by straddling his waist and pinning him down. 

He begged, pleaded, laughed and coughed as I tickled him. Joshua was so excited on his blanket. But Zac finally got enough sense to get my wrists and then he raised his arms above his head, taking mine with him and pulling me down gently. It by far was the closest I’d been to him face to face, but he didn’t say anything. 

Joshua was kicking at the keyboard with his feet and trying to get the toys, but while I knew he was there I was kind of captured by the milk chocolate eyes that seemed to be staring at me. I could feel his hands sliding down my arms, but I couldn’t move away. I was drawn to him and he must have been too because he met me halfway. His lips tasted like candy, sugary and sweet and felt like pillows they were so soft. 

I was 100% distracted by the taste and feel of his lips. I could still hear Joshua playing nearby. But it was the doorbell ringing that broke the kiss. Neither of us were expecting anyone.

“I..Uh…” 

“I’ll get it, you can um...take a few minutes.” 

It really looked like he didn’t want to move, I know I didn’t. But the bell rang again and I pushed up, the erection pressing against me was clear why he needed me to answer the door. Yet, there was a part of me that wanted to just ignore the door and strip him down. 

“If it’s Calvin don’t open the door.” 

I got up. “Okay.” 

He got up and went to the bathroom that was downstairs and I walked to the door. I checked the peep hole, it wasn’t Calvin. But it was a man, one I didn’t recognize. I opened the door but left the chain locked.

“Hi.” 

“You aren’t Zac…”

“Cassie, you are?” 

“Clayton Sarno, Zac’s best friend.” 

I called out to Zac who said it was fine so I let him, the girl and the child in. 

“This is Abigail my wife and our son Paul.” 

“Cassandra, Joshua’s babysitter.” 

“We’ve heard a lot about you but this is the first time seeing you.” 

“A lot about me?” 

“Zac told us who you were. Where is he?” 

“Bathroom.” 

He came out a few minutes later and greeted them. He apparently did know them as Paul greeted him too before he looked at Joshua.

“Baby.” 

“Yes, that’s the baby. We have to be nice to the baby.” 

“’Oshua?” 

“Joshua, yes.” 

“How old is he?” I asked.

“Turned two in August. Speaking of…we saw your pictures of Joshua. Is it possible for you to take some of him for the holidays? I know you can’t until you return obviously.” She said.

“Uh..sure. I actually took more of Joshua this past week. For his three months pictures, but I haven’t had time to edit them yet and Zac hasn’t even had time to see them.” 

“I brought her into the studio for some, there are some where he’s sitting in a drum.” 

“Nice. We’ll look forward to those. Once you guys are back home and have had some time we’ll pick a day.”

“Okay.” 

Paul was sitting beside Joshua, moving items and it was keeping him entertained. I sat down with them and let the others take chairs or the sofa. I’d never really met any of his friends and I was always wary of new people, this was no different. I sat quietly with the kids while they talked about the trip. I got up about 5:30 to go fix Joshua’s bottle because he was getting cranky. 

I got the water and formula and when I turned Paul was there.

“Hungry.” 

I kneeled down. “Are you hungry too?” 

He nodded. I knew there wasn’t much here, our plan was pizza actually. But we had some crackers and cookies. I got him some cookies and he followed me back.

“Damn, he got you.” She said.

“Was he not suppose to have anything?” 

“No, he does that to everyone though. We were just talking about dinner.” He said.

I sat down and got Joshua, settled him down and he was more than glad to take the bottle. Paul sat down beside me. 

“We were just going to order pizza but if you guys want to go get pizza we can. But we can’t stay out too late.” 

“Aww, early bedtime in your old age?” 

“Our flight leaves at six am dude, we both need sleep.” 

“Added she has to head home too, so even later for her.” 

“Actually, she’s staying here tonight.” 

“Well, we can wait for Joshua to get done and then head out.”

“It’ll give me time to get shoes on.” Zac said.

He headed upstairs and I just sat there, quietly letting him eat.

“You are so quiet.” Clayton said.

“Not really sure what to say.” 

“It happens sometimes. It’s fine.” Abigail said.

He started to say something but she nudged him. I didn’t comment on either her comment or his actions. But when Zac came down he took Joshua from me and I got my shoes on. We ended up taking the truck because they couldn’t get us all with two car seats. Dinner was quiet for me but they were super chatty, I just watched Joshua and had my dinner. 

My parents had been told that I was going to South Africa, they weren’t totally happy about it but they understood. I hadn’t quite felt like telling them divorce was on my mind. After everyone had eaten we parted ways, they headed home and we went back to the townhouse. 

Joshua was getting super cranky again so Zac opted to bathe him and get him settled for the night. While he did that I showered and put my pajamas on. While Zac showered I dressed Joshua in the outfit we had selected and then got him fed well. He finished and kind of just wanted to be held but by 9:45 he was asleep.

It was slightly awkward when we laid down though.

“I think I want to file for a divorce when we get back. I just don’t know what to do.” 

“Is that what you want?” 

“Yes. I’ve thought about it for a while and I don’t want to go back. It’s not even safe to. I don’t want to work with his tyrant of a mother.”

“When we get home from South Africa we can find the appropriate lawyer and figure out what you need to do to file. I’ve never filed for a divorce so I have no idea what has to happen.” 

“Neither have I, so I don’t know either.” 

“I can ask the lawyer that handled his custody arrangements, she might be able to or she can direct us.” 

“Yeah. You’re family won’t freak the fuck out?” 

He giggled. “They don’t know you’re married or that your living here. If they did it would probably be another of my bad decisions.” 

“It’s not a bad decision. You helped when no one else would, except Saphira had I called her.” 

“Why didn’t you?” 

“Not use to really having anyone that I could call.” 

“Don’t you have friends besides her?” 

“The ones I had when we got together left at some point. Most after we got married and moved. He didn’t allow me to talk to other guys and a lot of them were men. The women didn’t like him and because I wasn’t allowed to party, they left. Got use to not having anyone that would.”

“I really don’t like him. He sounds like he was afraid you’d leave or talk to some guy.” 

“Evidently he was.” 

“Well, soon as we can regulate hours we’ll take care of him.”

“Sounds like a plan, is the alarm set?” 

“Yes, at an ungodly hour.” 

“Then we should try to sleep.” 

“Goodnight Cassie.” 

“Goodnight Zac.” 

We usually didn’t start out side by side, but there was this deep part of me that wanted to just spent the next six or so hours kissing him. But deep down I knew that was wrong because I was legally married. It took me forever to fall asleep though because I’d never flown and never been that far from home. I finally fell asleep after scooting myself against him because he felt safe. I wasn’t afraid of him.


	23. South Africa I

POV: Cassandra

 

September 16, 2006

Twenty-one hours. That was how long it took to get from Tulsa to South Africa. It felt like Joshua cried, whined, or screamed for the entire twenty-one hours. The takeoff and landing caused him to scream and since we had a layover in Atlanta, it was early morning screaming. He had slept a bit, but not near enough. It was frustrating to not know what was wrong with him, he wasn’t so thrilled with his temporary car seat or even the area. It had been a week and he was still adjusting but doing better. He and I had spent a lot of time in the hotel, this week they had visited areas Joshua couldn’t be in because of Malaria. 

We had gone Thursday since it was safe and honestly I felt like I needed to stay here at the hotel. It was heartbreaking to see how people and especially children lived in some of the areas. No shoes, no real coverage. Zac had actually put clothes on one baby, using Joshua’s. I wasn’t sure if I cried more there or when Calvin had come to the hotel room. 

I was glad that today he had a personal day and I got to sleep in because he took Joshua to love on and appreciate when he got up. When I did wake up Joshua was playing in his lap.

“Did you sleep well?” 

“I did kind of. I think Joshua kicked me.” 

“It’s possible. He did me Friday.” 

Joshua was sleeping with us because the hotel had two beds but the other one was super small. If he moved much he would risk falling off, which he does move usually down the bed. I had fallen off and the other bed was like a king size, so we were fine. 

“I was waiting for you to get woken up. Got some things planned for today. I know it sucked being cooped up and then the one time he can go it’s like the most heartbreaking area.” 

“No kidding. But it is why you are here and why you want to help.” 

Once I got woken up I changed into something for the day and the first thing was finding ourselves breakfast. Some of the cuisine here was pretty average to what we’d find at home but others were very far out there and while I tried whatever he did, there wasn’t much that we actually liked. The Monkey Gland Sauce had sounded super nasty but had been good. A blend of fruit and spices served with our chicken, no monkeys had been involved at least according to the server. 

Once we got breakfast we took a tour, it was a hop on and hop off type, so it was nice that we could get off and on. Joshua was in his carrier strapped to me, positioned so he could see things too. The first place we got off at was the Credo Mutwa Cultural Village. The location consisted of a collection of buildings and sculptures that attempted to document the African art, culture, and folklore along with architecture. Credo Mutwa was an actual person who was a healer and it was interesting to learn he believed Aliens walked among us. But besides that his art was amazing. 

What I liked most about it was the sculptures and the learning aspect. There was a lot of information about the South African culture and how they lived. Zac found the paintings to be nice and Joshua seemed indifferent but he did not like some of the sculptures because he whined or cried.

We took the tour bus around and the next stop was the Mandela House. It was another part of town that was full of information on Mandela and his life and his beliefs. It was a tourist attraction but it wasn’t just a show piece. It had meaning. Joshua loved this one better. We got a quick snack there so Joshua could be fed too and then traveled to a few random parks. When it was clear that we and Joshua were done for the day, we headed to the hotel. We got back about four and Joshua was so much happier to be laid down and allowed to stretch and move.

He got surrounded by toys and then we got to rest. The day had been awesome but there had been several times where Zac seemed lost or way out in right field by himself. I wasn’t sure why but he seemed mopy all day, like he smiled and had fun but also had times where he seemed distant.

“Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, why?” 

“Well, you’ve been a little down today. I figured it could be what you’ve seen this week. But this seems different.” 

“The scheduled break wasn’t entirely a coincidence, Isaac mandated it. He didn’t want to see me today mostly. But it was nice to be able to see parts of the city that isn’t so heartbreaking and learn some things about the history of this place.” 

“You need some light in the darkness.”

I sat down beside him on the bed and nudged him some. “Why do you and Isaac seem so tense around each other? You and Tay don’t seem that bad but you definitely do with Ike.” 

The way he looked I was worried that he wasn’t going to say but he looked over at Joshua.

“He’s the reason Isaac and I have issues.”

“Your son is why you and Isaac have problems? That makes no sense Zac.” 

“Remember when I told you I didn’t want to discuss the circumstances around his conception?” 

“Yes. I remember that.” 

“He was conceived September 16th of last year.”

“You know the exact date he was conceived? That’s kind of hard to say for certain.” 

“I only had sex with her once and it was that day.”

“Okay, you had a one night stand, nothing totally wrong with that. How then does Isaac play into this?” 

He looked at Joshua who was swatting at the little things hanging from the play mat we’d brought. 

“His mother was Isaac’s girlfriend at the time.” 

Well, that I hadn’t expected. It did explain why Isaac was so defensive and on edge, I mean he just said he had a one night stand with his girlfriend.

“Do I want to know how the two of you got together? I mean you were with Maddilyn right?” 

“I was, yes. That weekend I was house sitting for Isaac, he went out of town and I was still at home with my parents. I told him I’d come over for the weekend and watch his place. There had been a few break ins in the area. Anyway, she was dropped off basically and she said she didn’t remember that he was out of town. I had been rather defensive toward her since he met her, which was Mayfest. She’d approached me and kept trying to get close and after so many failed attempts she left. So, I figured maybe that would be a good time to get to know her a little more. If they got as far as marriage, I wanted to know who she was, what she liked, the normal things.”

“That is understandable, he was dating her and you want to know who she is, especially if you had been on the fence before.” 

“Honestly, I spent most of the day playing video games but we did talk some and watched a movie. Had a few drinks and by few I mean like two. She said after dinner we could watch another movie and then she’d head home. Honestly, I should have taken her home when she showed up.” 

“Dinner sounded reasonable and a movie isn’t bad, what movie was it?” 

There weren’t many movies that I had seen that lead to sex, I mean sure some could make me want to but none actually lead there unless it was a pornography movie.

“She chose it while I was in the bathroom. The first few minutes were fine but then it went into a pretty detailed and very graphic sex scene. Not like most movies where it’s obviously fake, this was more porn. I got through the first one without many issues by downing most of the drink she had waiting. I got concerned after the second one, finished that drink but the threesome scene was too much. Never said my hormones weren’t normal. I was trying to figure out a way to get out.” 

I didn’t say anything, he wasn’t done that was for sure. 

“She put her hand on my thigh and I told her that she needed to go. She said that wasn’t what I wanted. By then she was doing more..” 

His face blushed and I didn’t question the ‘more’, figuring the color of his face was enough. 

“I told her that I was engaged and she was with Ike, but she kept on. I was beginning to have this weird floating sensation and she said one night, that I wanted to, and she wanted to make me feel good. She was kissing my neck and I felt strange. When her hands were on me I couldn’t stop her. In my mind it was Maddi and I even called her that.”

I slid over next to him to encourage him to keep talking. It was pretty clear that he really hadn’t told many people.

“I thought she was my fiancé, Maddilyn. That it was her talking to me, that it was her touching me and when she said she wanted me and she didn’t want to wait anymore, I didn’t stop. Even though it felt off I only saw Maddi. When I woke up the next morning she was there. It wasn’t Maddilyn and there was nothing I could do to change that I’d had sex with her. I had cheated on Maddilyn with Isaac’s girlfriend.” 

“You thought it was Maddi?” 

“My friend Reed said he felt like she gave me Ketamine, based on what I described. I can’t prove that she did. I threatened to tell Isaac then but she had gotten my phone during the day and sent messages to hers asking for pictures, which she sent to my phone. Asking her to come over. I was afraid that if I did and she showed them to Isaac he’d be totally pissed off because it made it seem like I wanted her there.” 

“Sounds like she planned that far too well.” 

He shrugged. “It didn’t matter after the fact, I am pretty sure she planned it. I didn’t tell anyone at first but the guilt finally made me decide that I needed to. I was going to wait until after the tour so that Ike and I weren’t stuck on a bus and because Maddilyn deserved for me to tell her in person. But, I heard Isaac and Taylor talking and she’d told Isaac she was pregnant. He told Taylor he was certain it wasn’t his because they used protection every time. A few days later I told him what happen. Pissed was an understatement. Even telling them every detail didn’t help. He blames me for basically everything. He doesn’t believe she gave me anything.”

“I can understand his perspective but you are his blood and he should believe you over anything. I assume he broke up with her?” 

“Yeah, right after Thanksgiving. She came to me. Didn’t believe I would tell him. I figured that even if she was pregnant, it wasn’t mine. We had words and eventually she left, when she brought up Maddi I lied to her and told her she knew. She told me I wasn’t going to get away from her and I’d burn. I was writing a letter to Maddi to make sure my explanation was clear. Megan left my house and went straight to Maddilyn’s.” 

“Wait…you didn’t get to tell her?” 

“No. Megan went and told her, she was very upset. She said I took everything from her and gave it to Megan. We were waiting for sex, I gave that to Megan. We wanted kids and Megan had him. I ruined what she wanted which was to be each other’s first, children, being old together. Maddilyn was upset and extremely hurt that I had sex with her, that I hadn’t been able to say no.”

It took me several minutes to process what he said. “You were a virgin until Megan, I presume she’s his mother?” 

“Megan is his mother, yes. And yes, I was until then. Maddi and I had been together for four years and we agreed to wait. I blew that. Maddilyn left my house that day by taking her ring off and leaving it in my hands, she then left. Megan returned after that and told me I’d burn and that she was all I had, her and my baby. That we could be together.”

“But you didn’t want that?” 

“No. I told her I hated her and that I never wanted to see her again. She left saying that I’d regret it.” 

I reached up and wiped the tears off his face. “Come on, what’s really bothering you here.” 

He leaned into my touch. “My friend Reed came to me in January, he was friends with her and she told him about the baby. He asked why I hadn’t brought her, she told him the baby’s dad was a stupid idiotic mother fucker who didn’t care about her or the baby, she told him he was mine.”

“Good friend to tell you.” 

“He told me because he saw her doing cocaine, he asked why she was doing drugs knowing they affect him and she told him she didn’t give a shit if it did or not, that she couldn’t care less because she wouldn’t be dealing with the bastard child and didn’t care. I didn’t know how badly drugs could affect a baby but he told me and I looked it up. I filed the injunction the following Monday.”

“She said that about him?” 

“When he was born people were still telling me adoption was the right path, but when I called Maddi to tell her he was here, she asked me and I hadn’t even spent that much time with him and I couldn’t walk away. When he was officially under my custody I took him to see her. I refused to believe that as his mother she didn’t want to see him.” 

“I can’t imagine not wanting to.” 

“She asked why I was there, I explained that she’d seen him briefly and I wanted to make sure she didn’t want him before her lawyer filed. I told her she carried him, delivered him but when I started for the bed she told me not to come near her, called me a mother fucker. I tried to reason with her but she told me to take that bastard son of mine and get the fuck out, that she’d tried to abort but waited too long. She told me to take the bastard and get the fuck out that she didn’t ever want to see me or that bastard son of mine ever again. He started to cry and she didn’t budge.”

Again, I wiped his face off. Yet there was little pockets of anger that made me want to find this woman and just beat her senseless.

“I told her she couldn’t mean that, that he was hers too. She told me he was not her son, she didn’t have children by bastards who can’t man up and come to her. Told me good luck raising him with no help, good luck being a single dad and ever finding anyone that is willing to be with me. That I’d fucked up her life and that I could care for him the rest of his life just to get out of hers. Of course she had more cuss words, I just…” 

“It’s hard, I know. I can’t image how it felt.” 

“I told her I’d never contact her again and once her paper was filed she didn’t need to contact me. My lawyer informed me not long before the show that hers were filed. I got a family medical history just in case but she gave up all rights, including her family.” 

“Is that why they’re always on your case? Because you made decisions based on him?”

“Basically. Things were settling down some when I told them about him. She really was pregnant.”

“You are certain that Joshua is your son, right?” 

“Yes. I had a DNA test done before he was born that used her blood and then once he was here they did a second one to be sure. He is my son.” 

I glanced over at Joshua and found he was asleep, poor baby was worn out apparently. So I pulled Zac to me.

“I think that if you had been with Maddi for years and waited then it’s obvious this Megan girl did something. I believe you would walk away. The fact you believe it was Maddi says something was given to you.” 

His head laid on my shoulder for several minutes before he raised up, I know it was a weird angle. I moved and he looked confused until I pulled him down too. If he’s been dealing with this on his own without much support from anyone then how the hell can his family even claim to know what’s best? I didn’t pay attention to where I laid him. I wanted him to feel some comfort and that at least one person doesn’t hate him.

“I regret ever letting her in but I wouldn’t have Joshua if it wasn’t for her and I wouldn’t have you.” 

“I think this was just as much her fault and she shouldn’t have tricked you like that.”

“You know…there’s been several times the last few weeks where you’ve been holding him and I just wanted to be him.” 

“Why because you wanted to be cuddled?” 

“Well, yeah but I don’t mind where my head is either.” 

It struck me that his head was laying on my chest and I giggled. “Like father like son.” 

He moved his hand over my waist. “I just..it’s been a year and Isaac still can’t be around me much and he won’t introduce me to any girlfriend apparently. She did so much damage to my life and then she tried to take it out on Joshua.”

“I think you got the best deal.” 

“How? I lost a brother, I lost my fiancé, my family thinks my ability to make decisions is worthless.” 

“You gained a son. You were grown up enough to accept responsibility of him on your own, against everyone. You did what most teens wouldn’t, you thought about him. You thought about how his life would be impacted and what effect her drug use would have on him. I don’t care what your family says.” 

I swear he was actually cuddling here and I left him alone. He didn’t respond to me but it wasn’t long before his breathing was even. I left them both alone until Joshua woke up, he’d taken a rather short nap. We headed back out for dinner and once we got back to the hotel we entertained Joshua until bedtime. 

  

<http://www.mandelahouse.com/index.asp>

<http://www.southafrica.net/za/en/articles/entry/article-southafrica.net-credo-mutwa-cultural-village>

<http://www.sa-venues.com/things-to-do/gauteng/bysuburb/soweto/>


	24. South Africa II

POV: Zac

 

September 28, 2006: Thursday

I had not understood nor expected that someone understanding and not laying everything at my feet could feel so nice. Cassandra hadn’t yelled, screamed, blamed, or otherwise made me feel like I wasn’t worth being listened to. She didn’t put the blame for the sex completely on me, she understood that Megan and I both played a part in that. She didn’t blame me for making decisions without bothering to consult anyone else because I made them for Joshua. The simple fact that she was understanding made me feel like meeting her was fate. That Samantha was meant to hand Joshua to her so I’d meet her, so I’d call for her later.

She’d gone with us each day this week and I could tell that Taylor was being worn down. How could he not be? She’d walked into a school and become the center of attention! The kids were attracted to her and it was nice to see. I couldn’t even stop myself from taking pictures and even when we were in bad areas she was sympathetic, heartwarming and didn’t hide the fact it hurt to see these things. Harper had pretty much avoided being that close and Cassandra had Joshua with her the whole time.

He loved the attention from the kids and adults alike, someone to keep him completely entertained but she was aware of and made sure he napped.

We actually got to sleep late today! Somewhere during the night though she had gotten between me and Joshua, putting him on the back side with a row of pillows. I blamed that change for the morning wood that I hadn’t missed the last few weeks, but she was already awake when I woke up.

“When did you move?”

“About three, he woke up briefly for a clean diaper and a few ounces of milk which was fine, the dreams were beginning to come back, I moved over so I wouldn’t wake up from them with him that close.”

I hated those dreams, always of that asshole, I pulled her back against me more, trying not to pull her hips back though! I took a big risk and nuzzled her neck, she always smelled like strawberries. She seemed to relax and I kept on, before turning the nuzzles into kisses. She tensed up though then, I wondered if I’d crossed a line, one I didn’t know existed at the moment. When she went to move I fully expected her to be getting up, so when she just turned toward me I was a little shocked.

Not near as much as I was when she pressed her lips to mine. I hadn’t meant to pull her that close before we left, it was just to stop her from tickling me to death! But I couldn’t deny that I really had wanted to for so long. Her lips even tasted like strawberries even though I hadn’t seen her using anything that had that flavor. I pulled her closer to me, which was doing nothing to get rid of the erection, was making that much worse actually.

I could feel her hand barely graze my side through the shirt, but then she was moving her fingers along my skin and it felt electric. I was fully intent on traveling down to her neck but about the time I started to move Joshua started babbling behind her. I considered continuing on anyway, but I knew he would want a clean diaper and breakfast soon. She giggled against me.

“Every time. I’ll take him and you can uh…take care of the issue if you want.”

I came so close to asking what she meant but I managed to not stick my foot in my mouth. I got up but there was no taking care of anything, it was just a super cold shower. Trying to wash away the way she felt against me, the way she smelled. By the time I came back Joshua had a clean diaper and clean clothes on and he was in her arms chowing down on the bottle.

“He eats like me, looks like me. I’m not sure she contributed anything.”

“I assume the blonde hair is you?”

“Yep. I had blonde hair when I was younger.”

“It may darken over time, who knows.”

“What about you? What color was your hair when you were little?”

“Blonde until about school time and then it started turning brown, it was always curly but it was more kinky curls when I was two or three.”

Kinky…It took a few breaths to ignore the sexual implications of that one word. “Mine was kind of straight and then has a slight wave. Did you always have blue eyes?”

“Always. They did get a bit darker as some of my baby pictures have like neon bright blue and then as I got older they got more normal.”

“So, we as a band have no plans. But we’ve seen basically every important and popular land mark there is. What we have not seen is the wildlife parks but the national forest is four hours away, I don’t think Joshua would like me for that.”

“He and I both would boycott another multi-hour trip.”

“There is the Walter Sisulu National Botanical Garden. I’ve never been there so I don’t know what it’s like but it’s outside and little less heartbreaking. Plus we can see native plants and flowers that we may not see back home.”

“That sounds like a good idea. I mean he can get tummy time there and stuff, along with new sights.”

“Agreed. Also, we have a few days next week and then we’re done. I was thinking of going home a bit early.”

“Why?”

“Well, he’s waking up more at night, he has a doctor’s appointment like two days later and after the flight we had here I think a few nights would be better so he’s not so stressed out for the doctor.”

She smiled. “Sure it’s not Zac wants to go home and sleep in his own bed?”

“That might be part of it.”

When he was done and burped I took him so she could get changed. I gathered up what we’d need for him and included the stroller this time and a blanket. She actually chose shorts today so it was nice. We got breakfast first and then headed to the park. She was in heaven as we walked the park and I let her just take a billion pictures while I pushed him around. He babbled and cooed the whole time. She loved the waterfall and the various plants, the openness of the park.

She found a shady spot where Joshua got a clean diaper and his noon bottle, she then laid him down for his nap. The stroller was good for that but he just didn’t want to nap, so she laid him on a blanket between us for tummy time.

“What movies do you like?” I asked.

She’d been living with me for over a week before we left but I still didn’t know much about her.

“Your selection isn’t bad. I like mostly drama or action type movies, something that grabs my attention and keeps it is best. So, really, any genre can do it.”

“What about music?”

“When I was in high school it was mostly pop, rock, little rap, little R&B, little of everything.”

“And after?”

“Calvin hated rap music, he didn’t like R&B either. I was limited to heavy metal, alternative, and rock music. So, I guess you can say my music range is large. Although, I’ve always liked the more soft stuff.”

“Video games?”

“I haven’t played a video games in years, last time was probably when I was 15?”

“I’d die without video games. On tour they’re the best thing ever. What about books? You read all the time at the studio.”

“Whatever catches my attention. I do like a book that keeps me on my toes but I’ve also read books on children, psychology subjects, stuff like that. Do you ever read?”

“When we’re on tour or long flights, I brought a book with me but a certain three month old didn’t let me get to it.”

He had his head up looking around. “I can’t believe he’s already holding his head up some.”

“They grow fast.” She said.

“Are you still sure you want a divorce?”

She sat quietly for a long time, just watching some nearby families and she finally sighed.

“It’s not the first time I’ve thought about it. When he asked I was so happy and like you with Maddi, everything was laid out. White picket fence, career, and children. The house was nice I admit, he wanted a very nice house. Just big enough, but it was outside town, no neighbors around, it was really isolated. He claimed we didn’t have the money available for me to keep going to school, so I didn’t go.”

She stopped talking but it was clear there was more she wanted to say so I kept quiet.

“After the baby died, that first beating there. As I laid in the emergency room lying to the doctors, nurses, and social service workers that I’d really fallen down the steps. Not a convincing lie by the way, steps can’t create boot marks. He didn’t care that I was depressed, didn’t care that his mother was basically rubbing it into my face every day, he didn’t care that what I needed was a hug and to be told it was okay. When he failed on that, I pretty much knew we were done.”

Again, I gave her some time.

“I should have filed after that but I stayed.”

“So, why now? You left this year.”

“In May, I decided in March but I knew I needed to have some cash and a job. So I put in the applications when I could. I think the moment I knew that divorce was required was when he came to the hotel. That was not the worst but not the best either.”

Joshua was laying still and she glanced down, smiled. “He asleep?”

“Yeah.” She said.

We left Joshua where he was but she did cover his legs up with a thin blanket, make sure he didn’t get bitten by anything. I was enjoying this just sitting in the park, relaxing. It was rare that I got to just sit without a brother screaming for me to do something or sing or play something. I know she got up to put his bottle back in the bag, I was watching the waterfall in the distance when she was suddenly right in front of me.

I blinked. She’d straddled my upper thighs and was just kneeling there. “Um…hi?”

“You looked lonely over here.”

“Really? That’s the…”

She didn’t give me time to finish the sentence before her lips were on mine, this was really public for this but really no one was watching us or caring. Not going to complain really, I loved the taste of her lips. But she started across my cheek and that was beginning to really take an effect so I stopped her.

“Cassie.”

“You aren’t being any fun here.” She pouted.

“I don’t want any really embarrassing photos to be spread around the world.”

“Like I said, no fun.”

“Come on, you don’t need photos of us in this park to reach Calvin either.”

She frowned but did move beside me, honestly I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted anyone in my family to see them either and I had no idea where this was going. She was married! I didn’t want to hurt myself all over again, so we stuck to talking about normal things. She had taken photos of Joshua after he got up. I was holding him up in my lap and he was pushing down with his feet.

“Did you always want to do photography?”

“Yes. I think I got into it about 9 th grade. It was a passion and it was something my parents supported. It’s also how I met Calvin, because I was taking some classes on the university campus where he was.”

“Why was he there?”

“He was interning for an engineer company, but it didn’t pan out for him. I was offered one here in town but he wouldn’t let me go. He claimed that the gas to get there and back each day was not worth it. The experience I gained wouldn’t be useful.”

“Yet, he made you go to his parents daycare?”

“His mom’s. His dad never was there really. He sent me there because she would watch me, not because she was better or I’d learn anything.”

I was learning quite a bit about her personally but it wasn’t helping me like Calvin any, in fact I was hating him more and more as she talked. We stayed a little longer before heading into town for dinner and then back to the hotel. It was just chill time, keeping him active for a while and then getting him bathed and ready for bed. She laid him down on the bed at his normal time, since neither of us were quite ready to go to bed we dimmed the lights and then found something on TV in English.

I thought that was the end result, movie and sleep but clearly she had other plans. The movie wasn’t even fifteen minutes in before she moved into my lap.

“Did I look lonely again?”

“No. But, there aren’t any cameras around or fans or random people. No excuses from you.”

I glanced over at Joshua who was actually asleep. Zero excuses. Not that I’d ever stop her, I mean I liked the kissing and the feeling of her but the longer it progressed the more I could feel the reaction, not like I had endless room in the underwear and jeans.

“You know I figured you would have handled that this morning when you showered.”

“Handle what? I showered.”

She kissed me, confused me at first but then her hand was right there on my cock. “This.”

I blinked. “I...”

When it came to sex, I was comfortable with the actions but Maddi and I didn’t really talk about sex. Megan didn’t bother to talk either. Neither had ever mentioned the issues.

“You cannot be sex shy Zachary. It’s not the first time that I’ve noticed.”

“Uh…”

She nipped my ear and I sighed. “The first night you stayed over, you showed up at the hotel room. I was awake before you, it’s not hard to notice. Even in your bed, come on you think I don’t feel you?”

“I..Uh…”

I didn’t realize she’d noticed so often or so much, damnit! It finally dawned on me that her hand hadn’t moved away. I felt the heat in my face and god I wanted to run.

“You dated Maddi for years, did the two of you not talk about sex? You obviously did to express the desire to wait.”

“The first time I tried she said she wanted to wait, I didn’t argue.”

“But you really didn’t want to?”

“I did, but we went as far as oral and that was it.”

“Well, you aren’t a virgin clearly, haven’t been for a year. Surely even if it wasn’t her it was someone else.”

I shook my head no. “I haven’t been with anyone since Megan.”

“Are you telling me you had sex one time and that’s it?”

“Yes.”

She applied a little pressure to me. “Then surely you know how to handle the problems on your own. I am sure you have plenty of times.”

I shifted but fuck her hand there felt good and it was clouding my mind some.

“I haven’t since Megan.”

“Why? You can’t use Joshua as an excuse here either, you had well over nine months before he was in your life full-time.”

“Sex is what ruined everything. I didn’t deserve anything Isaac gave me for my birthday nor did I deserve Maddilyn. I figured that I didn’t deserve to do that or anything sex related either. Just ignored it.”

“Wasn’t much of an issue until I came around huh?”

“Was just as much of an issue, but yeah you aren’t helping.”

Her pressure increased, this time she was wrapping her hand around more and her movements were slower, even though the jeans I could feel the distinct pressure changes. I felt the tip of her tongue against my neck and I couldn’t stop the slight moan.

“I can stop if that’s what you want.”

There was a part of me that said I didn’t deserve this, I’d hurt Maddilyn and it was mostly related to the sexual part of our relationship. But I really didn’t want her to stop.

I shook my head no and she smiled against my neck. “I didn’t think you did.”

Her lips moved on to my neck and finally found part of my brain that wasn’t clouded to move my hands to her waist. I actually tried to tickle her some but nothing. The nip caught my attention.

“My sides are not ticklish and I’m not telling you where I am.”

“So mean.”

I felt her fingertips move across my side, pushing the shirt up and I let her. Her lips moved to my chest and they felt soft and sent little electrical pulses everywhere. I jumped a bit when her tongue went over the right nipple.

“Wow.”

“Not something she knew about?”

“No.”

I should really be concerned with the little smirk she gave me but I wasn’t, I wasn’t even sure why! I just let her do whatever she wanted, which at the moment was giving her full attention to nipples I never knew could feel so good. I was vaguely aware that her lips were moving south but I was somewhere above cloud nine. I didn’t fully connect where she was going until I felt her lips in a place that should have been covered.

“Cass..”

“I was wondering when you’d notice, can you like lift your hips.”

My brain failed to connect why, what the hell was she doing to me? This was clearly not a drug or anything she’d given to me, this was just a natural high. I vaguely felt clothes being moved before the cooler air hit me, but I didn’t have time to contemplate anything before I could feel her hand wrap around the base. I couldn’t help the moan, because her hands felt so much different.

“Don’t get too loud, if you wake him up it’s on you.” She said.

I risked glancing down and about the time I did she ran her tongue up the underside, following the vein. I couldn’t fucking take my eyes off her, as her tongue came around the head slowly, as if she wanted to make sure every inch had been covered.

“Fuck, you keep doing that and it won’t be long.”

She didn’t respond with words, no that would have been too easy. Her reply was slipping the head of my cock into her mouth and I swear stars appeared. I tried to watch her but I just couldn’t, it was too good. The way her hands moved at the same time as her mouth, the warmth and wetness. She was going so much farther down than Maddi had and I could feel the back of her throat.

Her hands seemed to be gently massaging the balls and I was just gone. I felt like I should have warned her but I was so far gone that words just seemed like mutters to me and they weren’t even coherent. I felt bad that I’d never felt this way with Maddilyn. I could feel her lips against my abdomen, moving up and it wasn’t long before they were on my neck.

I could barely breathe! But the soft kisses to my neck was helping me calm down. I finally let my eyes wander to her face. She looked peaceful, serene, and content.

“Better?”

“Better and beyond. That was amazing.”

I pulled her to me and didn’t care about the slight salty taste, I’d just slid my hand under her shirt when Joshua started to whine.

I laid my head down on her shoulder. “I’ll get him.”

She kissed me. “I got him, you should probably clean up.”

“I don’t want to.”

Yet she was up before I could stop her. She checked on him first, before she changed into pajamas in the bathroom. Maybe she was fine with him interrupting because she wasn’t changing in front of me. I did clean myself up and put on clean boxers before laying down, she crawled into the bed between him and I. Gave me the chance to at least hold her close. Joshua seemed to just want reassurance that someone was here. I didn’t think I would fall asleep so quickly, but she was asleep before I was!


	25. Plane Woes

POV: Cassandra

 

October 4, 2006

Zac had chosen to fly home early, which was fine with me really. I felt a little stupid about my decision to do oral sex for him, he clearly wanted to do something after but I just…sex had always been rather one sided for me and I wasn’t sure how I felt about anything. 

South Africa as a whole was a good trip. Heartbreaking in most of the areas they visited that I could go to, but also educational and informative. I had a few thousand pictures at least. We were doing the same flight arrangement home with a layover this time in Florida instead of Georgia. We hoped Joshua would do better in the return flight but it was very clear after only 30 minutes that was not going to be the case. The take off ended with a hour long screaming fit and even the other 14 and a half hours were not much better. If he wasn’t screaming bloody murder he was crying, whining, or just not being happy. The landing caused another screaming fit.

I was in the airport terminal trying my damnest to calm him down but it just wasn’t working. Zac had already tried and if we couldn’t, who could? The next flight was in thirty minutes but Zac just shook his head. 

“I’m canceling the flight home, I’ll just drive it. I mean we have a car seat and everything I need. I just can’t put him on another plane.” 

“Zac, we’ve been up for fifteen hours, there’s no way we can drive home right now.” 

“I’ll get a hotel for a day or so. But, let me cancel so we can get our bags.” 

He left me standing here with three carry ons and his car seat with him screaming. I bounced and rocked and thought about it but a hotel wasn’t really needed. I got my phone and scrolled down to ‘Daddy’ and hit call. I bounced him and when my father answered I was relieved.

“Hey Daddy.” 

“Hey Sweet Pea, where are you? It’s so loud. Is that a baby screaming?” 

“I’m at Jacksonville International airport, we landed like 20 minutes ago on a relay flight but Joshua is just not handling the flights, he’s screaming when we take off, when we land and we can’t get him to settle on the plane. Zac decided to stay in a hotel.” 

“You will not stay in a hotel, you three have been in a hotel for weeks now. Do you have an appropriate car seat?” 

“Yes.” 

“I’ll be there in 40, your mother is with a few of her girlfriend but she’ll be thrilled to see you and meet that sweet baby you’ve told us so much about.”

“I don’t want to burden either of you.” 

“Nonsense Cassandra. We haven’t seen you in months and it’s about time we did. Give me forty minutes and I will be there.” 

He then hung up, I didn’t want to but I also knew my daddy wouldn’t turn me away. When Zac came back he had a cart with all of our bags.

“That was quick.” 

“The flight to Tulsa is delayed three hours, so they had it unloaded. I’ll get a cab and call for a hotel.” 

“Actually, we don’t need a cab or a hotel.” 

He looked perplexed and very confused, granted both emotions were warranted in this situation. “Why not?” 

“Well, my father is on his way to pick us up and we are going to stay with them.” 

“Cassie I can’t do that to your parents.” 

“Well, I said the same thing but Daddy refused to take that for an answer.”

“I don’t..” 

“Hey, they may kick us out but there not kicking Joshua out. They’ll like you and it’s not a hotel and believe me my mother cooks very well. You’ll gain like ten pounds while you’re there.” 

“Perfect.”

We tried to get Joshua to calm down before he arrived but it just didn’t work. He was still screaming when my Daddy arrived but he hugged me anyway. He was about as tall as Zac was and short clipped hair, blue eyes, and his face was often soft like mine. Everyone said I looked like him.

“You must be Joshua, we’ve heard a lot about you but it never involved you screaming like this.” 

“I think once we’re away from the planes and noise he’ll calm down.” 

He glanced at Zac. “You must be his father? Zachary right?” 

“Zac is fine and yes, he’s mine.” 

Dad smiled but I could read the subtle look, Zac was young to have a child by himself. They shook hands and he began to help with the bags while I got Joshua settled in the car seat, which did nothing to assist his screaming. When the bags were loaded Zac got in the back with me and we left. 

“Didn’t you mention he had colic before?” Dad asked.

“Yes, but he hasn’t done this since the last flight and before that it was a good two weeks or three.”

“When we get to the house then you can get him away from sounds and see if that helps.” 

The drive was about 40 minutes and he parked in the garage. I let Zac take Joshua and I helped Dad get the bags this time. I’d been here a few times so I knew where the spare rooms were. The garage lead into the kitchen and Zac seemed impressed but he followed me to the spare. There were two spares and I chose the one with the doors leading out back. 

“Just sit with him in here, if he doesn’t calm for you come get me.” I said.

He nodded and sat down and I went to the kitchen where Dad was waiting.

“You’re mother should be home about five.” 

I nodded but I could hear Joshua getting louder and not quieter. I felt Dad’s hand on my shoulder.

“You aren’t wearing your wedding band, is everything okay?” 

I hadn’t really told them I had left Calvin. They had told me so many times that I shouldn’t marry him, told me in 2004 I didn’t need to go back. Mom had begged me not to go back to him. 

“Cassandra?” he asked.

I was about to tell him I had left when Zac came in kind of frantic, Joshua had apparently exhaled but wasn’t inhaling. Dad was quick to blow air in his face which got him back to breathing well. 

“I’ll take him, you two can talk.” 

I went back to the bedroom and made the very bold decision to try skin to skin contact. I laid him down while I found a button up and then stripped him down to a diaper, stripped myself down and then put him against me, with the shirt buttoned up around him.

“Hey, sweetie it’s okay. Time to calm down.”

I walked out the sliding doors and to the swing in the backyard where I sat down. 

“Rock-a-by baby, in the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall and down will come baby, cradle and all. Baby is drowsing, Cozy and fair. Mother sits near, in her rocking chair. Forward and back, the cradle she swings, and though baby sleeps, he hears what she sings. Rock a bye baby, do not fear, never mind baby, mother is near, wee little fingers, eyes are shut tight, now sound asleep, until morning light.”

I kept singing and the second pass through he started to calm down some. It was the third pass that was just whimper. I kept swinging gently in the breeze. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to tell my parents that I had left him. I hated admitting they were right. Joshua had closed his eyes and was actually asleep when I saw her walk out the back door. My mom had gone red this time, a light shade that worked well in the Florida sun. The same soft lines and dark eyes, she was wearing a blue and white striped sundress and she sat down beside me.

“Gene said he was screaming when you called him, is he better now?” 

“He’s asleep, no idea why he hates flying.” 

“Fourteen hour flight, I assume he ate?” 

“Yes.” 

“It’s possible it was gas or air that caused some discomfort. Have you noticed any gas passing now?” 

“No. He did have colic, I guess it flared back up.” 

“It’s possible. I met Zac, sweet guy. He and your father have apparently been talking music and business.” 

“Daddy was always a music fanatic.” 

“Oh honey, Zac met Aerosmith and your father is beyond and over the moon.”

“He’s met a lot of people.” 

“But he hasn’t met Calvin, because he deadpanned when your father asked him what he thought about him.” 

“He has not, no.”

“Why don’t you come inside.” 

I got up carefully and we headed inside, I went to the bedroom first but Zac rather followed me. They wouldn’t question it because it was his son.

“Is he okay now?” 

“I’m going to try to lay him down but he’s kind of just got a diaper on.” 

“You can just hold him.” 

I did try to lay him down but he started to wake up and since I did want him to have a decent nap, I just left him and went to the living room. 

“You could have laid him down.” Mom said.

“I tried, but he started to wake up. He’s fine really.” 

Zac and I both sat down on the sofa and I adjusted just a bit so Joshua was better supported. My parents sat down on the loveseat, their chosen spots were always the same. 

“How was South Africa?” Mom asked.

“It was nice actually, I have like three thousand pictures or something like that. I lost count really. But, it was pretty and interesting. Some of the areas though were kind of heartbreaking.” 

“Yes, some of the photos you sent showed the heartbreak. Beyond that it was good though?” 

“Yes. We had a few days of sightseeing and aside from the flight there and back things were good.” 

“Did the band get what you wanted accomplished?” Dad asked.

“We did, Sir.” 

“That is good.”

It got quiet and Mom finally cleared her throat. “Cassandra, what is going on with you and Calvin? You said you left the house, he came here looking for you. What happened?” 

“I left him Mom, I told you that.” 

“Honey, you stayed for so long. What did he do to finally make you chose to leave him. He put you in the hospital then and you went home with him.” Dad said.

Zac looked at me also and I figured at some point they and Zac needed to know what made me leave. I adjusted a bit more.

“Cassie? Honey what happened?” Mom asked.

“I told him that I didn’t want to work with his mother anymore, that I wanted to take some courses in photography and go into that. He did the whole we can’t afford it thing and I pointed out that everything I made at the daycare was just savings to us, we didn’t need it and I could stay there another couple of months and pay off the loans, they wouldn’t be much.” 

“I hate that woman.” Mom said.

“We got into a really big argument and while I was used to him hitting me it was the knife that scared me.” 

“Knife?” Dad asked.

“He said the next day he’d never do it again and it was just because he was mad and upset.”

“Knife? Cassie what did he do?” 

“There was a knife on the counter from where I had been fixing dinner and he grabbed it, told me that he could slit my throat and bury me in the woods and no one would notice. He had the knife against my neck and when he walked away I didn’t say anything. I thought about staying but looking back over the years and it’s just escalated.”

“You didn’t tell me that.” Zac said.

“Didn’t tell anyone really. He did the whole I’m sorry, it won’t happen again crap and the next morning he shipped me off to his mother whom he then told what I wanted and she just put me down all day. By that afternoon when he picked me up I knew that nothing would ever change. She would always hate me and I’d always be there with them, he was getting suspicious about the lack of pregnancies and talking about seeing a doctor, and I just…”

I could feel Zac’s hand beside me, comforting even without being seen.

“Why didn’t you call us? Honey we would have come to get you.” 

“I knew you would and that’s why I didn’t call. You both told me in 2004 he wouldn’t change and things would just get worse but I didn’t believe it. I guess in some way I just wasn’t ready to admit that you two had been right the whole time.”

“We would never hold that against you Cassandra, we love you and it doesn’t matter. The fact that you did leave is what is important.”

“I just knew then he wouldn’t change and when he found out those vitamins weren’t what he thought I really didn’t want to be there.” 

“Honey you knew he’d get suspicious eventually.” Mom said.

“I mean I could have stopped them but I…” 

Mom moved over beside me. “Why don’t you let Zac take him.” 

I looked at her. “I don’t have anything on under the shirt.” 

“Oh..well, that might be a problem. Cassie, I know we were hard on you about him, but we just saw him differently than you did. We didn’t like how he treated you or how he wanted to control everything. But no matter what, you can always come to us.” 

“She should have when he found her in August.” Zac said.

“Found you?” 

I looked at Zac, that was something I hadn’t told them.

“Yeah, I really wanted to go stomp his rear end into the ground when I saw what he did.” 

“Zac..” 

“Cassie, what did he do?” Dad asked.

Zac finally seemed to catch on that they didn’t know about that! But they were now asking, no need to lie.

“He found me at the store, came in and caused problems. I quit the store but that worked out better for Zac and the band. I was more available. It was fine until the end of August. I was at the hotel by the airport and his mother saw my car. I got back late and he was waiting on me.” 

“What did he do?” Mom asked.

I glanced at her. “It wasn’t the worst that he’d ever done. He had found the pills and asked, knew they were birth control and he wanted to know where I’d been. What bothered me was he left to get his mom so they could bring my car back and he told me if I wasn’t there then when he did find me, neither of you would ever find me again. I didn’t stay.” 

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.” 

Zac nudged me a bit and I sighed. “I didn’t go to a hotel. I parked beside the studio and that’s where I stayed. But, it was a few days and Zac realized I wasn’t moving the car. He came Sunday and I had been really stupid. I couldn’t sleep because everything hurt and it wasn’t comfortable. I took too many of the over the counter aids I got and vodka.”

I didn’t look at them, that was basically admitting that I tried to kill myself. Which wasn’t the case, but I was smarter than that!

“I’m glad I came Sunday, she was pretty much out and the car was already getting hot. I had a friend come help me take her car to my house and her. I wouldn’t let her leave because I couldn’t just put her out or have her leave knowing she didn’t really have anywhere to go in town.” Zac said.

“It’s good you were there. Calvin has always been an asshole but we didn’t believe he would go that far. What are you going to do?” 

“When we get home Zac’s going to get me in contact with the lawyer that handles Joshua’s custody and I’m going to file for a divorce. I really don’t want anything out of that house.” 

“You are entitled to things Cassandra.” Dad said.

“I know and I took everything that was important to me when I left. I took anything that I knew I would want later. I don’t want anything in that house and I don’t care about the money. I just want to be free of him and I want to move on with my life.” 

He smiled. “Well, that is your decision. But know you always have a room here.” 

“I know.” 

“So, I am sure that you two are sick of hotel and takeout food. How about dinner?” 

“Fried chicken?” I asked.

“We can do that.” Dad said.

“I would love that. Zac?” 

“Anything cooked at home will be divine to me.” 

“Fried chicken it is.” 

He and Mom both headed to the kitchen behind us, prepping and gathering what they needed. Zac leaned over and checked on him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t know you hadn’t told them.” 

“It’s okay, they needed to know. He’s awake, isn’t he?” 

“He is, but I think he’s fine to lay there.” 

“Yeah but I know the diaper needs to be changed and clothes.” 

“Want me to help?” 

“I can handle it.” 

I got up and went to the bedroom but he followed me anyway so I let him take Joshua and get him changed and re-dressed, just going for a onesie. I didn’t bother to change shirts but it did seem to fit better without him between it and me. I went to the kitchen and fixed the bottle for him and when Zac came out I handed it to him, so he went to the living room.

“You go relax, you’ve had a long day.” 

“Are you sure? I don’t..” 

“Don’t Cass. You are not a burden to us. Go relax.” Dad said.

I got shooed out of the kitchen so I went to the living room where once Joshua was done we kept him entertained until we were called and then he came with us. Dinner was awesome and we were going to sit up with them but neither of us were doing well.

“Go to bed you two, you look like you’re ready to pass out and I think Zac may have.” 

I glanced and he was asleep. “He eats at nine, I can’t go to bed until then.” 

I did send Zac on to bed, because one of us had to get up with Joshua in the morning. Joshua was super entertained with my Dad, so I did nap until his nine feeding, once he was fed and changed I declared myself going to bed. If they noticed I went to the same room as Zac, neither mentioned it. Zac woke up briefly when I laid Joshua down but that was about all I remembered after that.


	26. Cassie's Parents

POV: Zac

 

October 5, 2006

I was so tired that I felt bad for falling asleep but I was glad when Cassie sent me to bed, I was even better when I realized she was staying in the room with me. Her parents seemed so different compared to mine, supportive and wanting her to know they loved her and cared. While I knew mine did, they were not supportive of Joshua at all. 

Wait…Cassie was right against me where _was_ Joshua? I opened my eyes and looked around but she smiled.

“My mom and dad have him in the living room. She came in around seven when he woke up, told me to go back to sleep.” 

“She did?” 

“Yes. She said we both looked worn out so for us to sleep and she’d watch him.”

“I think I may love your mother already.” 

She smiled again and kissed my cheek. “Did you have to move?” 

“Sorry. I was just thinking and it hit me that he wasn’t between us.”

“Probably should get up anyway. I think it’s after noon already.” 

“Are you serious?” 

She rose up and looked behind me. “11:45.”

Yet, it was afternoon before I managed to pry myself away from her and get up. I got dressed and found Joshua on a pallet in the living room, surrounded by toys and happy.

“Do you mind another twenty minutes so I can shower?” 

“No. He’s no trouble at all. He’s played and napped a bit. His schedule is off too I suppose.” 

“He adapted quite well to the time change. Thank you so much for getting him this morning.” 

“Not a problem. You both looked like an extra few hours of sleep would do some good. He’s in good hands Zac.” 

I smiled at her and went to get my things which she had laying on the bed. She got her bag and smiled.

“I’m going to the other side of the house. Enjoy your shower.” 

“You could just shower with me.” 

I pulled her to me and kissed her forehead. “I would but Mom didn’t look all that pleased when she realized where I was. I think I’d rather not tempt fate, and just shower over there.” 

I let her go but damnit, I’d tried multiple times since she went down on me to repay her or show that I wasn’t a dick and didn’t mind helping her out. But, she changed in the bathrooms, she refused to shower with me always giving me an excuse, each time I had her alone and beside me, Joshua would cry. It was like the world didn’t want me to see her naked and that’s what I wanted! I sighed and got my shower, wishing she’d been in here with me.

I couldn’t explain it. I use to always think of Maddilyn, even when she left she consumed my thoughts. Yet, when Cassie started working for me full time and I saw her all the time it was like Maddi kind of faded, the heartache of not having her faded. But, Cassandra was just as untouchable. Married and to boot, to an abusive jackass. Fate hated me clearly.

I got dressed and put the things away and joined them in the living room. Cassandra had Joshua curled up in the chair, he was taking his bottle.

“He was being picky, he would not take it from me or her father.” She said.

“He tends to do that sometimes.” I said.

I walked over and kissed him, resisted the urge to kiss her and then sat down on the end of the sofa near them. 

“Mom suggested the beach today, what do you think?” Cassie asked.

“Sounds like a good plan. I haven’t spent much time on a beach.” 

When he finished his bottle we found lunch, her parents packed up some snacks. Cassie vanished to the bedroom and was back out a few moments later. 

“Do you have swim trunks or something you can wear?” She asked.

“Yeah.” 

She had his diaper bag but if she changed I didn’t notice. We left the house and her dad drove, using the van. It wasn’t far and the spot they chose was perfect, they were prepared with towels and umbrella’s and even sunblock. I felt a little out of place as I didn’t really know anything about her parents. Her mom had her bathing suit on, a one piece black suit with thin blue stripes. I didn’t even think Cassandra changed at all, but then she walked down with her mother to the water, leaving Joshua with me and I couldn’t do anything but stare. 

She wore a white full bottom suit with a bohemian tribal pattern, the waistband was mostly a light blue with colors around the sides too. She paused and turned back to ask her dad for sun block and I really wanted to faint. There was a design across the front of her bottom in the center and it matched the back and the top also had the same colors and designs. I’d never seen this much of her, most of the time she had pants and a shirt on! 

They went on down to the ocean and I looked down at Joshua. “Your babysitter is going to be the death of me.” 

He smiled and cooed, clearly he didn’t care what she did to me. Her dad sat back down and got himself comfortable. He watched her and her mother who were just swimming in the water, I knew why she hadn’t taken him, they were headed out past the surf.

“She’s a good swimmer to have lived in Oklahoma.” 

“We came here a lot when she was little. We didn’t do much by way of expensive things but we took trips as often as we could.” 

“It’s how my parents were, some trips until we got big and then there was no need, we wanted home.” 

He smiled briefly and even though he wasn’t my father I could tell shit was about to get very deep.

“I do appreciate you taking her to South Africa, showing her someplace that we just couldn’t afford or had time for. But, if you’re buttering her up so she’ll leave him and be your little slave, then I suggest you leave her when you go home. I can arrange for her things to be brought here.” 

I was slightly taken aback. “No. That’s not what I’m doing. Originally she was going to keep him in Tulsa at my townhouse but when she told me about Calvin I couldn’t leave them there alone without someone being there to protect them. It wasn’t just my son, but also her. I saw what he did to her the last time and I couldn’t.” 

“Yet you were doing the same thing last night Zachary. The not letting her go back comment.” 

I looked at him. “I meant what I said Sir, I would not let her return to Calvin. I saw the bruises and the marks the last time he hit her, I won’t let her return to him. However, if she tells me she wants to come here or to her family, then I won’t stop her. We’re not really even together.” 

His brow raised. “You are sleeping in the same bed as my daughter and it’s not something that’s casual, you both were comfortable and that means it wasn’t the first time or even the second. I call that being more together than not.” 

“When she told me what Calvin had been doing it caused nightmares. She woke up screaming, that woke Joshua up and I was trying to calm them both. It was easier if she was close by because I could wake her up before she got too bad.” 

“Come on Zachary, stop pretending that I don’t know how to spot intentions. You watch her, you wanted to kiss her too earlier but you didn’t, sleeping in the same bed even though you know she’s married. I just want to know that my baby girl is safe and happy. She kept telling us she was with Calvin and I believe she was at first. We tried to discourage her from getting married, but she insisted. She’s told us she was happy, but we knew she wasn’t.” 

“She seemed to be doing well when I met her, she didn’t tell me about Calvin or anything. She gave me Morgan for her last name and when I found her in the car, I found her license. It’s why she told me.” 

“It’s not the first time she’s been that desperate.” 

I blinked. “What do you mean by that?” 

“Cassandra isn’t a genius smart but she is very smart. As much as her mother and I want to believe that she didn’t think about what could happen, we believe she did. It’s not the first time.” 

“You mean you think she tried to commit suicide that day?” 

“It has crossed our minds, yes.”

“And she’s done that before?” 

He took a deep breath and turned to be a moment. “She told you about losing the baby right?” 

“Yes.”

“She told you that asshole broke her arm for it, right? I don’t care what he told me, she did not fall down some steps. He broke her arm.” 

“She did tell me about that as well.” 

“She doesn’t often mention it, but several weeks after she was back at the nursery she called to talk to us and when she hung up, we both agreed that she sounded off. So, we drove up to check on her. Calvin had gone out drinking with friends and we had to use a spare key to get into the house.” 

Joshua cried out and I picked him up, laid him against my legs and he seemed fine then. 

“What happened? Was she okay?” 

“She was far from okay. She had three different bottles of medication, sedative and pain killers. Ones the hospital prescribed. She was just so down and we didn’t give her much choice but to come home with us. We did call Calvin. When we got her home her mother got to her open up, that’s when she told us what he’d been doing. But, what got her so bad was his mother.” 

“She doesn’t sound fond of her mother in law.” 

“Are you familiar with the D and E process?” 

“Honestly, no. I know it’s used to well, clean out the womb after a miscarriage or an abortion.” 

“Well, bluntly they remove the baby in pieces, it’s horrible. That witch convinced him that was the best punishment for her, because it was clearly something she’d done to cause that baby to die. No one informed us she was there until well after everything, her mother asked the doctors why they didn’t do a normal delivery and they said Calvin chose. Cassandra was not aware of what they did during the procedure.” 

“They didn’t tell her?” 

“No. Calvin refused to allow the doctors to explain anything.”

It was another level of cruelty. I couldn’t imagine making such a decision on my own without the input of the mother. I had made decisions on Megan’s behalf but they were aimed at protecting the wiggling four month old in my lap.

“Why was she to that point?” 

“She returned to the nursery far too soon, her mother asked his to not let her be near the babies, she put her with the newborns and specifically a baby born around the same time. At some point Cassie bucked her on it and she told her she was responsible for the doctors ripping her baby apart. It was cruel. Heartless even because Cassie had no idea. Her mother had to soothe her fears, she felt responsible for it. They made her believe it was her fault. She mentioned how his parents were with the children at the daycare and expressed the desire to have children with him. Her mother got the prescription for the birth control for her.”

I glanced out at the ocean, not even being able to see them! 

“Mr. Morgan I don’t have any negative intentions for your daughter. I’m not sure if there is anything between us really, I mean yes, she sleeps in my bed and has since she came to my place, but she may not do that anymore. I’m not sure really, we didn’t have much choice in South Africa. She has her own room at my house.” 

“How is she with Joshua? We’ve seen some today and yesterday but in general?” 

“Phenomenal. She was able to handle his colic spells really well. She’s been so good with him that he’s kind of addicted to her.”

“I got the feeling you might be too.” 

“Fate hates me. Gave me a handsome son and took everything else.”

“But would you have met Cassandra without him?” 

“No. The sitter I hired for a show left him with her, otherwise I doubt I would have seen her.” 

“Well, see. Fate doesn’t totally hate you. Just don’t hurt my little girl, that’s all I’m asking.” 

“I promise not to, whether we do become more or not.” 

He stopped the discussion because they were coming back toward us, not that it was helping me erase thoughts of her. I heard her dad chuckle.

“Yeah, same look I had when I met her mother.” 

“The water is very nice, you should come get in.” Cassie said.

“What about Joshua?” 

“He can come too for a little bit.”

“Nonsense, that little cutie can sit up here with us. That water is a bit chilly and he doesn’t need to be sick.” Her mother said.

She sat down and Joshua went to her easily, it was rounding time for his bottle too. But they wouldn’t hurt him, so I got up and went down to the water with her. It did feel cold, but not too bad. We swam for a bit, snacked, played with Joshua and she got some good pictures of him with the ocean in the background and then we headed back to the house. Her father cooked dinner, another deliciously fried food of fish and chips. Joshua was a little cranky but not much. 

Cassandra and I made a plan on how to get home, choosing to rent a car and drive it. We would leave early Saturday, drive for about nine or ten hours and then stop, that way Joshua wasn’t in the car seat forever and it would allow us to have a chance to stretch too. We would make it home late Sunday afternoon, giving us a few days to unpack, clean up, shop, and for Joshua to settle a bit before his appointment Tuesday. 

Once her dad had expressed his desire on what he wanted, it was smooth sailing. I really liked her parents, they were down to earth and active. They got along really well with Joshua too, something I wish my family shared with him. Some connection.

I went to bed with Joshua, even though we slept late and it gave her some time to visit without us too. I had no idea when she came to bed.


	27. I Filed...

POV: Cassandra

 

October 10, 2006

The drive home had been smooth sailing and yesterday had been too. This morning we took Joshua for his four month check up. He’d gotten more shots and a clean bill of health. It was a good thing because of the trip to South Africa. After that we got lunch, and since the others weren’t due back until tomorrow, he had made arrangements with a lawyer for me. He’d contacted the woman who handled Joshua’s custody and she was also able to do divorce cases, so we were headed there after lunch. 

I was nervous and scared. I had wanted to marry Calvin, had loved him so much and wanted to be there forever but I couldn’t be stupid, I couldn’t ignore the situation anymore. I had left him in May because I was afraid he would kill me, the knife was too far. I hadn’t gone back despite his threats. The bottom line was it wasn’t safe and I wasn’t happy. 

I wanted to pursue photography, have children, and be just a normal family. I couldn’t have that with Calvin. I knew if I went back I’d never be allowed to pursue my dreams and while I would have children they wouldn’t be raised like me and I didn’t want my children to fear a parent or grandparent. 

“You are shaking.” Zac said.

“It’s…a big step.” 

“It is, but I’m right here and I’m not leaving.” 

I smiled at him and we finally went inside, I had to give her permission to talk in front of Zac about things.

“That cannot be your son.” 

Zac smiled. “It is, he’s gotten bigger since the last picture you saw.” 

“He still looks exactly like you. I’m glad he’s doing well and I see you did find some help.” 

“Yeah, turns out my family wasn’t as supportive as I thought they’d be. But, Cassandra has been amazing with him.”

“I’m glad. So, Mrs. Parker what can I do for you?”

“Well, I’m here to file for a divorce from my husband.” 

“I can certainly do that, is there a reason why?” 

“He’s an abusive asshole? Does that count? I mean, he’s been hitting me since shortly after the wedding and earlier this year he pulled a knife on me. I left and by fate got put in contact with Zac. He attacked me at the end of August, Zac has pictures of what he did.” 

He handed the photos to her and she viewed them. “At fault divorces can be difficult, they’ll require you to prove more than this. I would recommend a no-fault divorce unless you really want to file with fault.” 

“I want whatever will get me separated from him the fastest.”

“No fault then, I assume you didn’t have a lot of documentation either?” 

“Just those and a few hospital records.” 

“We can certainly file a no fault.”

She had me fill out a ton of paperwork and decide what I wanted, which was nothing. She looked very perplexed when she reviewed the papers. 

“You don’t want anything? Not money or possessions?”

“I don’t have any possessions there that I care about, I took everything I valued with me when I left. I worked but I don’t have proof of that.” 

“What do you mean?”

Zac had warned me that it could bring legal action against the daycare but I didn’t care.

“I worked for his mother at Parker’s Daycare center near Woodward Park. She paid me a minimum wage rate for the hours I worked. She provided her son with a 1099 that was way under stated. Basically, the 1099 she provided put me working a day or two a week, when I was there five usually, sometimes six days. But everything was filed under his social.” 

“Even the 1099?” 

“Yes. It’s why it was understated, he couldn’t work full time and be there too.” 

She was writing things down furiously. She was quiet for a bit before she looked at me.

“He has to be notified, you are aware of that right?” 

“Yes. Zac and I looked up what I needed and things. Um, it’s one reason why I really don’t want anything. I don’t want alimony or payments no cash compensation, nothing. I just want him to sign.” 

“It’s understandable. We have it in here. We’ll have to notify him of the petition for the divorce. You have signed everything and he can agree to just sign them and that will be it. If he contest the divorce or doesn’t want to sign then a hearing will be scheduled.”

“Okay.” I said.

I really hoped he’d just sign the papers and let us move on.

“You put down Zac’s address.” 

“It’s where I am staying.” 

She looked at Zac. “She has her own room.”

“Are you paying her?” 

“Yes. She is Joshua’s sitter, full time.” 

She smiled. “No. If anyone asks you she is Joshua’s live in Nanny. Babysitters do not live in the home, it probably will not be a problem. But, back date some contract between the two of you that stipulates what she does. It sounds weird but if she is living with you he can make it harder by saying she was cheating on him. It could be leverage for him. Again, probably won’t even come up.” 

He nodded and made a note in his phone. Joshua was asleep in his lap so he was good.

“You haven’t had any problems with him?” 

“No, he’s usually like this but he did have colic, crying for hours.”

“Good. I’m going to get this filed and then I will call you when Mr. Parker has been notified. It could take some time.” 

“Don’t I owe you for this?” 

She smiled and slid the pictures back to Zac. “You owe me nothing Mrs. Parker. I just ask that you never go back to him.” 

“Zac won’t let me.” 

“Well, I’d go out on a limb to say he shouldn’t. I’ve seen far too many domestic abuse cases that went back and the next notification I received was a death certificate. You’re making a good decision.” 

“Thank you.” 

She had me sign the last few items and then we headed out. I had filed for divorce and the first person I called was my Daddy. They had been told but they had been told the same thing in 2004, this time it was real. I even sent him a picture of the papers as proof. They were overly happy about the divorce. I couldn’t believe I had signed. 

We headed to the store after we left there, we’d gone temporary shopping Sunday afternoon but stocking up was needed. Joshua needed more formula and diapers mostly. It felt very weird to go from Calvin taking care of me in a financial sense to Zac. While he still paid me to watch Joshua while at the studio and while we were in South Africa, he refused to accept money from me for staying there to help him cover the bills. It felt weird.

Yet, it almost felt like meeting him was fate. Like, I was supposed to be standing there, I was supposed to take Joshua and keep him that night. It felt like fate had lead me to that line so that I’d meet him, so I’d have a place and a purpose. I felt like fate put Joshua in my life for a reason. 

We walked around the store for like two hours just getting odds and ends and groceries, since the cabinets were empty. 

“Do we really need this much?” 

“I see no reason to eat out six days a week when you have a perfectly good stove.” 

“Yeah, except I have no skills beyond breakfast.” 

“You don’t, I do.” 

He rolled his eyes and I smiled. When we got back to the townhouse we unloaded and once all the bags were inside he left it up to me to put the items up. Since I’d be apparently cooking. I put things up and even made dinner for us. When he sat down to eat he hesitated before trying it. I think when he cleared the plate I knew I’d won the not eating out aspect. The seconds clarified it loud and clear.

“Starving were you?” 

“No..I haven’t really had home cooked meals in a while.” 

I glanced at Joshua who was playing on the mat behind him. “About seven months, when you moved out?” 

“Yeah, I can fix breakfast fine but dinners not so much. So, having something not ordered out is kind of nice.” 

“Healthier for you too.” 

He smiled and when we both finished I fixed left over plates for tomorrow and then cleaned up.

“You don’t have to do that.” 

“Shush, if you refuse to let me cover anything, then you’ve got to deal with some things.” 

He didn’t argue with me and I was glad! We got ready for bed but after my shower I went to my actual room though. As much as I enjoyed sleeping beside him it might be best if I didn’t. It would be hard because I was so use to someone being there but we weren’t a couple. I had made a very rash decision to give him a blow job. I probably shouldn’t have but he didn’t seem to have any expectation for another one, but he was trying desperately to get me undressed. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what the subtle hints were but I just wasn’t comfortable. 

I got comfortable in the bed with a book and was just going to read. Coming here meant I could also wear my gown in here. I’d been reading about an hour when I looked up and saw him at the door, leaned against the frame. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Reading a book? I do read you know that.” 

“I knew that but why here?” 

“Just thought maybe it should be here.” 

He didn’t look mad or upset but he didn’t leave.

“Joshua asleep?” 

“Mhmm, he is.” 

I looked back down at the book, figuring he would realize I wasn’t going to move and he’d go on to bed but I felt the foot of the bed shift just slightly and glanced up. He caught me off guard completely because he was crawling up the foot of the bed. My breath caught in my throat and I couldn’t do anything but watch as he crawled up the bed. Fuck he looked like some sex god doing that. 

It was slightly unsettling having him that close but he folded down a page and closed the book, laid it to the side.

“Um..hi?” I asked.

“Hi. Did you know your cheeks are getting red?” 

“I do know, I can feel it.”

I could feel the slight shake too that he probably couldn’t feel. I really wasn’t sure what he wanted but usually when Calvin was like he was now, it never ended well for me. But he leaned in and his lips against mine felt different, soft and not rushed. It was when they moved from my lips across my cheek that I moved my hands up.

“Zac.” 

“Why do you keep stopping me? Am I doing something wrong?” 

I just looked at him. “I…Uh… it’s not you.” 

He didn’t move from that spot. “Then what’s wrong? No excuse tonight Cassandra, Joshua is asleep and no one else is here. If it’s not me, what is it?” 

“I just…This usually didn’t end well for me.” 

He leaned in and nuzzled my cheek. “How can it go wrong for you?”

I could feel the blush deepening, not just because of what he was doing but just that he wanted to know and seemed to care. I felt his lips softly touch my cheek.

“He’d be like you when he wanted sex. Didn’t care if I wanted to or not. I just don’t think I want to go that far right now.” 

I could feel his lips curl into a smile, not totally settling but I couldn’t deny that the lips against my cheek did feel good, the slight nip to my ear was different and felt different.

“Sex wasn’t the goal Cassie, I rather wanted to just focus on you. Much like you did with me.” 

The lowness of his voice, the tone sent a shiver down my spine. The implication didn’t much help calm my nerves though.

“I..he….”

He moved to look at me. “Surely he did that sometimes, at least once.” 

“Never.” 

“Well, I’m not him and I want to.” 

“But…”

He cut me off with another kiss and who the hell was I to deny that? A part of me expected him to go right to taking my clothes off, it’s how Calvin operated but instead he spent quite a bit of time just kissing me, including all around my face. When he did move down he didn’t touch the gown still. I was quite comfortable but gasped when he pulled me down in the bed.

“Sorry…You needed to be down farther.” 

“It’s okay.” 

I was a little preoccupied with his hands on my outer thighs, they were soft against my skin and not rough at all. Even though Calvin had been in that exact position hundreds of times I had always been afraid or fearful for what came next, I didn’t get that feeling with Zac. Not even when his hands began to slide up underneath the gown. He couldn’t get too far so I sat up. 

“I guess that’s a yes to my ‘can I take this off’ question?

“Figured the gown was in your way.” 

My nerves were somewhat calming, I was beginning to realize he was right. He wasn’t Calvin. But, it didn’t mean him seeing me completely naked wasn’t a nerve wracking experience given that only Calvin and doctors had ever seen me this way. Laying back was the most nervous moment. 

I found that he just sat there a moment, his hands were gently rubbing my outer thighs.

“You are beautiful.”

I was pretty sure the blush that had been maintained in my face was now spreading down my neck. He leaned back down and went back for my lips.

“You are Cassandra, even when your face is tomato red. Gorgeous.” 

I felt his t-shirt against me and the way his lips moved down to my neck. This was completely new territory, I had no idea what to expect and I was just enjoying the way his lips felt against my skin. But the first time air was forced over the right nipple I could hear the slight moan that clearly was me. Yet, as good as that felt the way his tongue washed over me made me feel so good.

I could feel his lips curled into a smile and little suckling movements was different. I was so occupied with the way his lips moved on that side that when his hand rolled the left nipple; I was just gone. At one point he switched sides alternating. It was a new feeling that I could feel the warmth and desire much lower on my body.

Some part of me was glad when his lips moved to the center but then they were going down, covering my abdomen in sweet kisses that just sent a cascade of electrical tingles everywhere. But they skipped over the white lace panties and went to my thighs, it was his hand on my inner thigh that cause the giggle. The way they moved tickled.

“And you said you weren’t ticklish, I’ll be marking that spot for later use.” 

Up until now my feet and legs had been between his, but as he moved them out from under him he made sure to pay attention.

“Is your goal to kiss every inch of my skin?” 

He smiled. “Maybe. I’d have to turn you over for that though, I’m kind of liking you just like this for now.” 

Yep…there was that blush again, cascading down my neck. But I felt myself tense some when his fingers got the edges of the panties. He looked like a kid in a candy store though, could tell by the look on his face and he moved slowly, pulling them out from under me and slowly down my legs. He tossed them beside me and went back to those damn kisses down my legs.

“You really weren’t lying, your shaking some. Are you okay?” 

“Yeah…he just…never.” 

He kissed my abdomen, much closer than before. “So…what your saying is his lips have never been here.” 

The next kiss would have been below the waistband. “No…” I breathed out.

“Or…here.” 

That was even lower and I could feel this warmth, this deep desire. 

“No…not there..”

“Most definitely never here then…” 

That kiss was placed right above the clit and I couldn’t even respond to him anymore, the feeling was so different. I barely registered that he adjusted me because his next move was that tongue straight up the slit and all I heard was the moan that was surely from my lips. Another dozen or so what if questions passed through but considered he’d repeated it, they vanished pretty quickly.

I’d heard a few times from past friends how good oral sex could be. I hadn’t believed them at all, but the way his tongue moved felt so fucking good. I couldn’t talk, all I could do was mumble cuss words and moan, I think I even may have asked him not to stop. His hands constantly moved across my hips, even under me a few times. 

When a finger slipped into me though, that was totally different. “Fuck…so…” 

I couldn’t even describe it, but the way I felt was so different. His finger curled and that was my undoing. Subconsciously I knew that screaming would wake Joshua up, so I did the one thing I could grab the pillow to tamper the noise. The deep down orgasm felt so much different than anything else I’d ever felt. I was shaking and could barely breathe but I did feel him moving up, little kisses that just added to the feeling. He moved the pillow and that was a different kiss, because while I tasted him I could me also.

“Turn over.” 

I didn’t even question it, just did. I knew his goal was to kiss every inch of skin and he kept on starting with my shoulders and then continued down. It really did allow me time to completely calm down and I didn’t even mind that he seemed to spend a lot of time on my ass.

“Am I to assume you are an ass man?” 

“Am I that obvious? I mean, you are so evil for some of your jeans.” 

“Maybe a little.” 

I let him continue his kissing assault and it was when he was back at my shoulders that I was beginning to feel that drowsy feeling. 

“I say, we slip that gown back on you and you come to bed.” 

“I’m in bed.” 

I felt a slight nip to my ear lobe. “I meant my bed, not this one.”

“Do I have to wear the gown?” 

He giggled. “No, you don’t. But, I can’t be held responsible for how I wake up in the morning.” 

I smiled. “I consider myself warned.” 

I felt another nip. “Think you can get up now?” 

“Yes.” 

I felt the bed shift and he got up, I carefully got up and the first thing I did was head to the bathroom before joining him in the bedroom. He usually slept in more but after the blow job he’d gone to just underwear and tonight was no different. He did check on Joshua first and then curled up with me. 

“Seriously, Calvin never once did that?” 

“He refused saying it was gross and that I should never ask or expect it.”

He pulled me close to him, his hand going right for my ass. “You’ll have to ask me to stop.” 

“I’m going to be permanently red faced if you don’t stop.”

“Fine, sleep I suppose.” 

Once he got quiet and comfortable he was asleep within minutes, but I just laid there. I felt comfortable laying here, I didn’t fear that if I moved he’d hit me. I wouldn’t dare tell him that was probably the only real orgasm I’d ever had. His ego was big enough with just knowing he was the only one that had. Maybe…just maybe fate got this one right.


	28. Talking with Tay

POV: Cassandra

 

October 13, 2006

We were actually going to the studio today, Taylor and Isaac both had a few days to relax from the trip and they were coming together today to work on the song Great Divide which will be released shortly on World Cancer day. Joshua and I rode in with Zac, there was no need to waste gas in my car when we were going to the same place and wouldn’t be leaving at different times. It also made sense with his car seat. 

“Least you aren’t red faced today.” 

“Shush you.”

I thought he was joking when he said I’d have to ask him to stop, he wasn’t. Not that I let him slide on that always giving thing. But, I wasn’t entirely sure that I was ready to take the next step, oral sex was fantastic with him but sex made me nervous. Not only because I wasn’t divorced yet, but because I hadn’t mentioned he was bigger than Calvin both in length and width. It made me nervous that it would hurt more, since Calvin really hadn’t ever been gentle sex wise except the first few times.

“No shushing, but I will behave at least until we’re back home.” 

I rolled my eyes and we headed inside the building. Joshua was having more floor time and less nap times now so we brought another mat and activity set with us. I got set up in the office and while he did some e-mails, calls, and other things I moved around to the front with Joshua, the windows were not see through from the outside, so it was private. It also means when he cried or babbled the people on the other end of the phone didn’t hear him. Isaac frowned when he came in and saw us there, Jessica seemed to give me evil looks as well. Only Taylor seemed somewhat okay with me being here.

I moved back to the office when they headed to the studio. They wanted to work on Great Divide and some other songs, most were close to done just final tweaks. We would be here a while though because they would work on everything else when they were done with one.

Joshua had moved from every three hours to every four and he was taking more formula each feeding, I had tried cereal Wednesday but he wasn’t ready. I fixed his bottle about eleven and we sat down and it was while he was eating that I noticed the picture of Maddilyn that had been here every day, was not here anymore. Instead of her picture in the shiny black frame there was the one Saphira took at the park of Joshua and I. It was odd but I didn’t question it.

After his bottle he played for a little bit longer before yawning so I laid him down for his nap, he had just drifted off when Zac came into the room.

“Sorry, but the piano and the guitar have broken strings and we have none. Since I have to go across town would you like me to come by and grab lunch? I have an order for Isaac and Taylor already.” 

“Sure. I forgot to bring the plates I made anyway.” 

“Okay. It might be like an hour, depends on traffic.” 

“Not a problem.” 

I really didn’t expect it but he crossed the little short distance and damn if I got kisses that good just for sitting here I’d keep doing it. I was just rather glad that no one saw him since they didn’t think we were that close. I wondered though if his replacement of the picture was some sort of internal sign. 

I sat down at the desk with my laptop and was going through photos from the trip. Saphira wanted to see them but I wanted to edit them first, make sure they were good. I could feel someone staring at me and I turned around and found Taylor standing at the door.

“I thought you went with Zac.” 

“No. Joshua had just fallen asleep.” 

“Did you take that one?” 

“Yes, from the first free day. We traveled around the city and it’s from Mandela’s house.” 

“Harper and I went there too, second day we were free though, first day we stayed in.” 

“Botanical garden for us the second day, someplace Joshua could have movement.” 

“It’s a good picture, I didn’t even know you took photos.”

“You should, Zac gave you and Harper pictures of Joshua at six weeks, I took those. I also have his three month pictures but I need to edit them so Zac can print them, I took them the week before we left.” 

“You took those? Zac said you were but I thought you took him somewhere and had them taken, not that you personally took them.” 

“No. I took them.” 

“I didn’t know you were interested in photography.” 

“Well, if you had taken five minutes in the last three months to ask me you’d know. Yet, I don’t expect someone who hates me to really give a shit what I do when I’m not sitting here.” 

“Hate you? Who said I hated you?” 

I glanced at him. “No one said it Taylor, your actions speak a lot louder than anyone’s words do. I’ve been here three months and at least two months of that has been basically full-time. You never talk to me unless it’s telling me not to be somewhere, to move, or a food order. Clearly you don’t like me at the least. You aren’t the only one either, Isaac doesn’t even do most of that, Jessica talks to me but it’s mostly to find stuff to tell Zac about, your parents don’t talk to me period and they don’t like when Avery does but they don’t stop her because of Joshua.” 

He blinked at me and then his head dropped. “I cannot really even deny that. But, I don’t hate you.” 

“Well, you don’t talk about anything personal and most of the time you just complain to Zac about me. You raised hell when he brought me here to watch him, I signed the paper because I heard every word you said Taylor. For the record, I wouldn’t have shared anything without asking first because I wasn’t here to spy on you I was here to watch him. I mean you even stop talking when I enter a room, I mean none of you make me feel very welcome but Avery.” 

“When did I stop talking when you entered the room?” 

“Before we left, you were talking to Jessica and Isaac about Japan in the kitchen. I was outside the door for ten minutes replying to a text and when I walked in, Isaac stopped mid-sentence and no one said anything until I was back outside. So, even if you don’t hate me…the very least you don’t like me. The rest of your family most likely does hate me.” 

“We are only concerned for our brother Cassandra. The family cannot take another…” 

“Megan, I know everything that happened between him, Isaac, and Megan.”

“Then you understand our concern for his decisions.”

“I’m not Megan, so no I don’t see how you should be concerned. It does not excuse your behavior.” 

“We don’t want another situation anywhere near that. We don’t want him to have two kids and be a single dad because he can’t control his own urges.” 

I leaned forward. “Believe me Taylor, I know how to say no. So, unless you are telling me that Zac raped Megan then perhaps you need to evaluate that situation because it’s very clear that you do not know or understand the entire situation. Megan had to say yes, she had to spread her legs and allow the sex to occur. I’m inclined that since she slept beside him that she consented. You all need to stop laying all of the blame at Zac’s feet.”

He just stared at me like the fact that Megan had to say yes had never occurred to him before and I was pretty sure it had.

“I mean your baby brother who was barely out of his teens messes up and the first thing you all do is blame him. Then when he makes a decision that protects a life that was totally helpless at that point, you all act like it was wrong. You cannot tell me you wouldn’t put your wife in some rehab if she was doing the same thing or your sister.” 

“I would know that Harper was pregnant with my child first and my sisters are my sisters, of course I would want to protect them.” 

“Zac did what he felt was the best course of action, he protected Joshua without truly knowing he was his. You and the rest of your family act like he made a selfish decision when he decided to accept responsibility for a mistake he made, but I don’t see it that way.” 

“Zac didn’t consider the implications of having a newborn, of being a single father. He didn’t ask anyone what he should do. He basically just told us what he was doing.” 

“Would you have? Can you honestly sit here and tell me that if it was you and not Zac, that you’d have given him up? You would have wanted nothing to do with him? That you could live the rest of your life without ever knowing what happens? I don’t believe you can Taylor.”

I didn’t expect him to have an answer and he couldn’t answer that without thought. 

“He just…”

“I can’t explain why he didn’t seek advice from his family Taylor. But you guys are punishing Joshua for something he didn’t have anything to do with.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” 

“He’s your nephew Taylor. It doesn’t matter who his mother is, the fact that Zac is his father makes him part of your family. I don’t know how you are when I am not around but when I am here you nor them ever do anything with him. You don’t talk to him or play with him, you don’t ask to feed him or volunteer. You show concern at times but you don’t really act like an uncle. You are punishing Joshua for a mistake he didn’t make and had nothing to do with. The only person you will end up hurting is him because he will never understand why Daddy’s brothers don’t like him or why his grandparents don’t want him around. You can’t wait until he’s grown to care Taylor.”

I wasn’t sure if my words would even have an effect on him at all and he didn’t get to reply because Zac came to the door and he was very confused on why Taylor was sitting in here.

“Um…is everything okay?” 

“It’s fine. That was a quick trip.” 

“Yeah, the store had what I needed right at the front I got extras and then called in the order.” 

He sat a bag down on the desk and maybe it was the first time that Taylor noticed but he looked at Zac.

“You took Maddi’s picture down and replaced it.” 

Zac glanced at the photo. “Yeah, well, she’s moved on and it’s clear she’s not coming back so maybe it’s time I move forward as well.” 

Yep, I saw Taylor’s eye move to me but he took his and Ike’s lunch to the back and Zac sat down. He was halfway through his lunch when he paused.

“Should I expect Taylor to jump me when we’re alone and complain?” 

“Maybe?” 

“Dare I ask what the topic was.” 

“Three guesses, someone in the room is a hint. But, maybe what I said will penetrate his brain.” 

“Doubtful.”

He finished eating and then headed back, I went back to the photos for a while until Joshua woke up, even when he was awake I could edit but just slower. I was kind of surprised when Avery came in.

“Mom stopped by to talk to my brothers.”

She didn’t have to ask, I just handed him over and even got pictures which only Zac would see at the moment. 

“You mentioned more photos of him?” Avery asked.

“Yes! Three month ones.” 

I pulled them up and scrolled through, there was one of him she loved and I made a note so Zac would print her that one. She also got to see some of the ones from South Africa before her mom called and she had to go. At his next bottle I again saw the picture of us and thought about what Zac said when he came back.

He wanted to move on but up until a few weeks ago he had kept her picture there and I had caught him staring at it a few times, but maybe he was ready to move on. But was I?

I wasn’t even divorced yet, Calvin could drag this out for months if he felt like it and would Zac really be that patient? But I couldn’t deny that the way he made me feel was so different than Calvin. I only had my parents and Saphira to speak to and I wasn’t sure if she was even off. But I sent her a text anyway to ask.

**_I’m stocking the cooler – so..I can talk a bit. Why? What’s up?_ **

_Well one is the next off day I get you. Pictures! But…serious here. You joked about Zac and I…but is that something you really can see?!_

**_I’m off Monday, so we will do lunch or something. Um..well..I did joke at first but you are living with him now and I know you have your own room and all. Can I see the two of you as a couple? Yes. Why?_ **

I took a deep breath and considered what to say.

_I do have my own room but I only slept in there that Sunday night. I went there that Monday but like 1 am I woke up screaming, he moved me to his room and the next few nights he would wake me up before they got bad. I haven’t been back since…._

**_Oh My…naughty you. I assume that no one knows that tidbit?_ **

_No..well..you do now. I just…I’m not sure if pursuing something with him is the right idea. His family basically hates me and they don’t want me around. I doubt that will add to it. And…there is the divorce issue…_

**_But you filed right? You said you did._ **

_I did yes, but if he drags it out forever? Saphira he replaced his ex-girlfriend’s picture with one of Joshua and me, the one you took at the park._

**_You and I can talk more Monday. No Zac. Joshua is always welcomed though! We can do something inside so it’s not so cold on him._ **

_Ok. I need to finish editing and entertain the wiggly one. I’ll send you a time/place sometime Sunday._

I got an okay and a smiley face and I laid it down. I kept Joshua up and we headed home about seven, we heated up the lunch plates for dinner and got settled. 

“Did Taylor yell at you?”

“Actually, no. He didn’t. He didn’t say anything actually, kind of weird.” 

Perhaps what I had said really had sunk in, we’d see in time. He was well behaved until after Joshua was in bed. Not that I was really going to complain…


	29. Serious Talks

POV: Cassandra

 

October 18, 2006

I was supposed to meet Saphira Monday but she was called in to work so we rescheduled for today. We’d discussed the park, multiple restaurants, but we were both tired of meeting at those locations. Zac had finally interjected his two cents and suggested meeting at her house. That was the best option because it was private and Joshua wouldn’t be subjected to the weather. But, we still went to the studio first because I wouldn’t be going there until after lunch. 

By now everyone had noticed that Maddilyn’s picture wasn’t on his desk anymore, Isaac and Jessica really looked just totally pissed off when they saw the one he replaced hers with. Taylor really didn’t seem that irritated or upset. He and Taylor went and got lunch while I got Joshua ready to go over to her house. I had plenty of diapers and clothes in his bag but I was in the kitchen getting a few bottles of just water and the can of formula. I suspected he would need one, but I was taking three just in case. 

“What are you doing?” She asked.

I turned, confused because Jessica wasn’t here but I saw his Mom there.

“I am preparing some bottles of water ahead of time. I’ll just bring the formula and heat it when I need it.” 

“The office isn’t that far.” 

I got the bottles. “I won’t be in the office.” 

I then returned to the office and put them in his bag with the formula.

“And where do you think you’ll be?” 

“I will be at my friend’s house for a while. Zac has already given me permission to take Joshua, therefore it’s nice to take him some formula in case he gets hungry. Did you come to see your grandson?” 

“I came to speak to Isaac and ideally my youngest son, who is apparently not here.” 

“He’s not, he and Taylor went for lunch.” 

She didn’t even acknowledge that Joshua was laying in his pack n play cooing, but while talking to Taylor was one thing, I was not saying anything to his parents. She left the office and went down to the studio where Isaac was and I entertained Joshua. Zac got back about noon and we had lunch in the studio, where he actually fed Joshua. He had gotten up a little later so he was off on his normal times today. 

“You’re mom is here.” 

“I know, Taylor warned me on the way to the place.” 

I raised an eyebrow. “Warned you?” 

He moved Joshua to get him to burp, he would always do so easily for Zac, took me sometimes what felt like forever. 

“Apparently he thinks the picture of you and Joshua is some sign that I’m having a mid-life crisis or something.” 

“You aren’t even twenty one, you are way too young for a mid-life crisis.” 

“Yep, tell them that. But, kind of glad he won’t be here for a while. It’s bound to be a conversation I don’t want to be a part of.” 

Joshua burped and then spit up and I just thanked my lucky stars I hadn’t been holding him at that time.

“Thanks buddy, Daddy appreciated that.” 

I got them both something clean to put on and I took Joshua while he changed. I went ahead and put something on him that was warmer.

“Let me walk you out and then I’ll face the next screaming match.” 

He got Joshua, the diaper bag and the play mat I was taking and I just followed. I got in the front and adjusted the seat because I couldn’t reach the pedals without sliding it up. He got Joshua secured and things put in the back seat and then came up.

“Any idea how long you’ll be gone?” 

“No idea but I have plenty of bottles for him, diapers and two outfits. I even have a clean shirt for me.” 

“Well, I’ll be here and if we cut out early or something I’ll have Taylor drop me off at home.”

“Just text me if you do.” 

“I will.” 

I really didn’t expect that he’d pull me in for a kiss out in public! Let alone right in front of the studio! Not that I was going to push him away. He did pull back for a moment but came back and it was the shriek of his name that caused him to pause and turn around. I expected some random fan or worse, the ex-girlfriend. Nope it was even worse. Jessica.

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

“I’m saying bye, what are you doing?” 

“Saying bye with your tongue down her throat? Nice one Zachary. You care to explain this shit to me?” 

He turned to me and gave me another kiss. “I’ll see you later.” 

I turned around and buckled up and he closed the door. But I could still hear him.

“It’s really none of your business Jess.”

They headed inside and I headed to Saphira’s house, but I kind of wanted to stay because it shouldn’t always be Zac that defends his decisions. But, it also wasn’t my place just yet to defend them, and I was sure he’d live through it…hopefully. 

Saphira lived on a huge plot of land on the northern side of the county and she let me in the gate when I arrived. I’d only been here a few times with her but she met me outside and I parked.

“Damn, you get to drive his truck anytime you want now?” 

“Well, pretty much. Anytime I have Joshua with me for sure, but we’ve been taking the same vehicle to the studio because he said there was no need to take mine.”

“I am sure that’s not the entire deal. So, can I get the…damnit he’s asleep.” 

“And he will wake up for you.” 

“But not you?” 

“Hasn’t yet, can you get the diaper bag and mat though?” 

“Sure.” 

She grabbed them and I got Joshua out of the car seat, he only briefly whined before he settled down on my shoulder and went back to sleep. She closed the doors and lead the way inside.

“No one home?” I asked.

“Nope. Mom and Dad went on some vacation to California. It’s nice, means that they won’t pinch his cheeks and fawn over him the whole time.” 

She smiled and lead me through a foyer and into the back part of the house where there was this sitting room.

“Be warned, you’ll sink into the sofa so if you are laying him down, do so first.” 

“Noted.” 

I did lay him down and then sat down easily and just sank, it was very nice. She took the seat on the other side of him and relaxed too.

“So, Zac really is okay with you bringing him here?” 

“Yes.” 

“So, you wanted to meet away from them, what’s going on?” 

“I really just don’t have anyone that I can talk to outside of Zac and Joshua and when the topic is Zac, it’s odd to go to him. Joshua really is no help.”

“Well, that is what girlfriends are for, to talk to and chat and whatever else you need. So, you mentioned some things via text but I felt like this is better because text is just slow for long explanations. In a short answer, yes I can see you and Zac together, but why can’t you? You admitted to sleeping in the same bed for quite some time now and you have filed for a divorce from Calvin.” 

“Concerning Calvin, yes. I have filed for a divorce the lawyer that handled Joshua’s custody filed it for free after she heard the reasons. We filed no fault though because I really don’t want to drag shit through the mud and it’s my word against his. I didn’t document anything. I just worry that Calvin won’t sign or he’ll cause so many problems that it’ll take months to get it done. I don’t know if Zac would wait that long.” 

“I assume that Zac knows?” 

“Yes.”

“Then he knows you want this and he also knows that in some small part Calvin plays a role in the time it takes. Really, the divorce proceedings don’t affect either of you much unless Calvin tries something and you two aren’t like flaunting it. Actually, are you officially dating?” 

“Not really.”

“I believe that Zac would wait and that he knows and understand that it could be weeks to months before the divorce is final. You should be careful about flaunting and really, right now, you aren’t even sure if you two are a thing.” 

“Well, there are other things that I wonder about.” 

“Like?” 

“What if Zac turns into Calvin? Calvin was very nice the first two years we were together. He opened doors, pulled out chairs, he was respectful and only occasionally made an order and even looking back it wasn’t phrased as an order. It wasn’t until a few months after we got married that he began to get bad. What if Zac does the same thing?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Has he given you any indication that he wanted to hurt you?” 

“No, quite the opposite actually. He was mad when he found my license but he didn’t do like Calvin and immediately jump me for it, he asked and he made sure I was okay first.” 

“Has he done anything since then that made you afraid or that sounded like he was commanding you to do something? Threats? Anything?”

“The only time in which he’s commanded or given some order was when we were in South Africa, for the most part we could move around but in some areas he ordered that I not go far away from him and that Joshua stay against me at all times. But, that was safety related not just him being an asshole.” 

“Zac doesn’t strike me as the abusive type, I mean he fought for Joshua and he did date for a while. I don’t think you have to worry about him being anything like Calvin. You mentioned he was pretty pissed when he saw the marks.” 

“He was, but speaking of dating…”

She adjusted her position but looked at me. “Go on.” 

“So, he dated this girl name Maddilyn for four years and was engaged to her for several months before their relationship ended and it was his fault. Hence, Joshua isn’t hers.” 

I couldn’t tell her who his mother was or anything about it, that really was about the most detail I could tell her.

“I wondered and I am sure you know more but also know you can’t explain. So, what about her?” 

“When I started at the studio he had this really good picture of her, one I am certain he took. It was on his desk until the first day back, I was in the front and when I went to the studio it wasn’t there. The picture was the one you took of us. But, I know he loves her. I’ve seen the way he looks at her Saphira. I don’t want to invest in this and her come back in a few months. I don’t want to be pushed away when she returns.” 

She was quiet for what felt like forever before she took a deep breath.

“I cannot really say that he’d never go back if she came around. But, the fact that he removed her photo from the desk is a good sign. It means that he’s not focused on her as much and the fact that he replaced her photo with one of you and Joshua shows who he wants to see when he sits there. Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t go back to her though.” 

“But that’s it Saphira, if it’s months then I’m the one left hurting in this and not him. I’ve done very well with trying to not get too attached to Joshua, because I know that this is a job and there is the chance that he could replace me. But, as his girlfriend and someone there all the time. Then I don’t think I could effectively have that separation if we were dating or even more.” 

“Well, that’s something you’ll need to speak to Zac about really. I can’t guarantee that he won’t. But, remember Cassie, he’d think the same about you and Calvin, regardless of the reason you love Calvin or you wouldn’t have stayed.”

“That is true, there is also his family. I’m positive they hate me.” 

“They don’t know you, how can they hate you?” 

“Well, Isaac never talks to me unless it’s related to the business and that’s very rare. His mother and father never speak to me either unless it’s condescending or like I don’t know what I’m doing. Jessica gives me stank eyes and she kind of caught him kissing me and was not happy. His brother’s wife, Harper, never speaks to me. Taylor came in the other day and saw some photos and well, he mentioned not knowing and I basically told him he didn’t give a shit about me or Joshua.” 

She laughed and I was confused, because I had no idea why she was laughing at the fact they hate me. 

“Why is that funny Saphira? If we proceed with this and it does last, these people will be relatives. Calvin’s mom hated me, the bitch never liked me. I don’t want future in-laws that act the same way. They don’t have anything to do with Joshua and I wouldn’t ever want my own children to have grandparents that take their anger out on their grandkids by ignoring them.” 

That seemed to capture her attention. “They ignore him?” 

“I probably shouldn’t have said that but fuck it’s true Saphira. They were there today when I left and she asked me why I fixed bottles but she didn’t even acknowledge he was awake and cooing. Isaac doesn’t have anything to do with him and Taylor well, maybe I got through to him because Zac and I got lunch Monday and he sat with Joshua because he was asleep. The only family member that really interacts with him is Avery.” 

“That is really shitty but concerning them not liking you, it’s possible they feel like you maybe wanting to use him or that you are some reason behind his decisions. They may eventually warm up if they know he is actually dating you and it’s not just a job. Honestly, I don’t know why they’d ignore this precious little baby, but if they are that stupid then it’s on them.” 

“Maybe..” 

The conversation had to pause because Joshua was looking up at me and based on the smell he really needed a clean diaper, when I went to move him I found he needed clean clothes too.

I used the diaper changing pad to protect her carpet, the couch was much to soft and sinking and I was sure I’d get poop everywhere if he was there. 

“How do you handle that smell?”

“It’s not easy.” 

She got me a bag for the clothes and even had his bottle ready when he was clean and re-dressed. 

“Do you do everything for him?” 

“No. When we’re at the house Zac does most everything or we switch out. He does feed him at the studio and change him too, it’s not like he simply relies on me.” 

“That’s good then.” 

I handed him up to her, cleaned up the mess I’d made. I then sank back in the couch. He finished the bottle and I set up the mat, which we moved down into the floor also. She spent probably thirty minutes to an hour just playing with him. I took the time to think about what she said and mostly over the family and ex-situation.

“So, you keep fretting with that shirt and I’m betting there’s something else you want to ask.” 

He was now playing with the mat, kicking the bottom and swatting at the toys. I wasn’t sure I wanted to discuss sex with her, she was open and had mentioned her various experiences with sex before. My own was fairly limited. But, it’s possible that she could help…

“Saphira, you mentioned that you enjoyed oral sex.” 

“I do, it might be my favorite part of sex.” 

“Do men normally enjoy the giving aspect of that?”

She turned to be a bit. “Some men do, some don’t. I’ve had partners that so enjoyed it they would without even asking and then I’ve had partners that said no, they’d use their fingers or something but never mouths.” 

“Calvin never would, was pretty adamant about that from the start. I was never to ask him to do that.” 

“So, your soon to be ex-husband never did oral sex on you?”

“Never. He wouldn’t even use fingers.”

“If he never did foreplay, how then were you ever like...prepared?” 

“If he wanted I’d do that, otherwise he didn’t. Sex with Calvin wasn’t really enjoyable.” 

“Are you then afraid to approach that subject with Zac? I mean he is a man and since he does have a kid then he’s no virgin and I am sure he’d eventually want to.” 

“Well…”

I had to pause because my phone went off and since it was Zac’s tone then I had to check.

**_Not at the studio, Clayton picked me up when I called. I have the few things we had there already. We’re at the townhouse so you don’t need to go by the studio._ **

_I assume the ‘talk’ didn’t go well?_

**_About as well as I expected, I sat, they yelled, and I walked out…explain later. Just wanted you to know._ **

I sent him a smiley and then looked at her.

“We sort of crossed the totally friends zone before leaving, kisses. Which was fine. Then in South Africa we talked a bit and on a whim I decided to go down on him, which I did.” 

“Impressive, I would ask for those details but pretty certain you won’t tell me.” 

I smiled. “He seemed to keep trying to do the same thing but I just wasn’t use to anyone wanting to, kind of scared me but he didn’t really press the subject. When we got home I went to move to the other room and he came in. I had to tell him why.” 

“But did you let him?” 

I felt the heat in my face and just nodded, I had let him.

“Was it something you enjoyed?” 

“Yes and even the times after because he seems to really like doing that.” 

“Well, you asked what if he was like Calvin with the abuse topic, doesn’t sound like he wants to be. He’s not pushing for more?” 

“No. It’s like he’s fine with the oral aspect. Hasn’t pushed or asked for more, but…”

She waited patiently, even moved the toy so Joshua was happy. I was trying to figure out a way to express the concern without really saying much.

“I’m kind of nervous about sex with him.” 

“Because of who he is?” 

“Well, yeah but he had sex with Joshua’s mom once.” 

“Once?” She asked.

“Just once.” 

“Well, I mean…no condoms and sex can lead to babies. Even once.” 

“It’s not really that I worry about that it’s more…sex with Calvin often hurt and Calvin isn’t impressive on the size side of things. Little below average actually.” 

“And you’re afraid sex with Zac would hurt because of size?”

“If you ever breathe a word of this I will stomp your ass myself. Zac’s not average by any means, so I am afraid it’ll hurt more than with Calvin.” 

“Well, it’s possible it will because you just aren’t used to that but Zac seems to care about things like that so I am inclined to believe that he would want that foreplay first. Honestly Cassie sex shouldn’t hurt every single time and foreplay is important at times. It prepares you for that. Does he use his fingers also?”

“He has, yes.” 

“Again, you just need to express to him that it’s a concern you have if you get that far. That way he’s aware of it at least and will know that he needs to be easy. You have to remember Cassandra, Zac is not Calvin.”

“That’s much harder than I thought it would be.” 

“It takes time honey, Calvin had you there for years and I would imagine you’ve only told us a fraction of what he did during those years. You have to give Zac his own credit, he took you in when he found you. Had someone make sure you were okay, he won’t let you go back to Calvin and he’s helping you. None of those things he has to do.”

“I know. It’s just not easy.” 

“Never is. But, I have a date tonight and I imagine you have to get him home.” 

“Zac’s already there actually.”

“Well, you can help me get ready then.” 

Joshua and I spent the next two hours helping her pick out an outfit and then get ready, when she left I headed home with Joshua. He’d sent me a text telling me not to get dinner he was fixing it and I was skeptical but when I came in the house smelled very nice. 

“Zac?” 

“One moment!” 

He came from the kitchen and good lord that was another kiss that I wouldn’t complain about! I was glad both hands had Joshua because I came close to losing that grip.

“Welcome home.” 

“Can I get that welcome every day?” 

He smiled and then kissed Joshua who went right to him and he lead me to the table and sat me down. I didn’t have to move, he brought me a glass of tea, which he’d even added sugar for me. He brought me the salad and then finally the plate of pasta which tasted so fucking good I questioned what brand it was.

“I’ll admit the sauce is something that Clayton made. But, I wrote down every step so I can recreate it.” 

“It’s really good. So…how bad was bad?” 

He finished that last bite and looked at me. “It’s nothing you need to be bothered with or that you need to justify to anyone else.” 

“So, Jessica told them what she saw?” 

“She practically screamed it in my mother’s face, which didn’t help. But, what we do is not any of their business. If she asks, that is what you can tell her too.” 

I blinked. “You don’t care if I tell them to butt out?” 

“No. Isaac is apparently dating someone again and again, he’s not telling me anything.” 

“Why?” 

He glanced down at Joshua. “I guess he blames me still. But, what I do in my own private life is not their business. They don’t know you’re here though and I didn’t tell them anything about Calvin.” 

“Ok.” 

He finished and I insisted on cleaning up since he’d cooked and actually used a knife! It let him spend some time with Joshua and get him ready for bed. When I sat down beside him after the kitchen was clean he looked at me.

“What exactly did you tell Taylor the other day when he was there?” 

“Promise you won’t be mad.”

“I won’t be.” 

“He asked about the photos and commented about not knowing it was something I was interested in, I pointed out that if he didn’t hate me he would. Basically, it was me explaining why I felt that way. I, uh, may have said something about him not caring about Joshua. I know he loves him but they act like he’s to blame and they’re punishing him. I pointed it out. Why?” 

“He came by after I got home and he said he wanted to keep him overnight Sunday, since it’s my birthday so that you and I could do something without him. I just wondered if something you said sparked that or if there was some ulterior motive.” 

“Well, maybe hearing it from me made him realize it was true. Because it is, they ignore him. You’re mom was more worried about me getting bottles than visiting him.”

“Yeah, I said something about that too. But, really Cassie you don’t have to pay them any attention. I’m not five nor am I fifteen like they seem to think I am.” 

“Are you going in tomorrow?” 

“Yes. But…I know this sounds weird. I’d like for you to keep him here tomorrow. In case they try to start shit again.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes. If you want, I can leave the truck and take your car. That way you have the car seat and stuff.” 

“I won’t be going anywhere, so no need but wouldn’t that basically say I am here?”

“No. You could have come here or I could have taken him there. They’ve not asked why we’re riding together.”

“Ok.”

“If you want to fix that bottle then he and I will shower and meet you upstairs.” 

“I can do that.” 

They headed up and I fixed his bottle for the night and went up, it didn’t bother him now to hand Joshua to me when he was clean so I could get him dressed. Dry Zac was impressive, soaking wet Zac was undeniably hot.

I was sitting against the head of the bed when he came out, Joshua was in his pajamas and was almost done with the bottle. He finished getting ready for bed and then while he put him down for the night I got ready. By ten we were all in bed and asleep.


	30. Best Gift

POV: Zac

 

October 22, 2006 

It was amazing how quickly they noticed that she wasn’t at the studio when I had her stay here. She didn’t come in Thursday, Friday or yesterday. She kept him here which seemed far easier and he was able to have more floor time and it just seemed easier all around. I wouldn’t stop her from coming to the studio if she wanted to but I was over them trying to tell me what to do in my private and personal life. Who I slept with or didn’t, wasn’t their concern. 

I was impressed with Taylor though because he was the first person to notice they weren’t there, it took Ike and Jessica until after lunch to realize, several hours after I got there, that she wasn’t and neither was Joshua. And of course, they complained. But, Taylor asked two days in a row if he could take him and it wasn’t until Harper also asked that I agreed. They were going to pick him up at 3:30 and he’d bring him to the studio Monday where we’d meet them. 

Cassie would not let me arrange dinner plans at all, nor would she tell me where we were going. She simply said to dress nicely. 

When Taylor and Harper came to get him she’s the one that had the schedule written down, his bag ready and even his favorite toys. Taylor seemed so impressed that she knew. They didn’t stay very long before they headed home and we got ready. She went to the front bedroom, her room, to get ready while she left me in mine. But I considered it ours. 

I found nice black jeans and a button up black shirt, I didn’t fear her smashing cake in my face. I was ready and downstairs before she was so I waited. I heard the tap of the heels long before I saw her, but even then I really couldn’t say anything.

She’d worn a blue dress, one that had small sleeves and a large dip in the center, which showed the nice cleavage. The dress came down just around the knees and she’d worn stockings and silver heels that were really simple. Her hair was down and slightly curly. 

“You did very well, you even brushed your hair!” 

In the heels she was literally eye to eye with me and I just pulled her to me. “Not anywhere near you. Stunning may be the right word.” 

Her cheeks turned pink and it was very clear compliments weren’t something she was use to. But I was determined that she would be, because she was stunning.

“So, where are we even going?” 

“Not telling you. So, give me the keys.” 

I followed and we left, she was a really good driver so it didn’t bother me at all. She parked at Spudder’s, which was a high end steak house here in town. I hadn’t been here in ages and she evidently made reservations because we didn’t wait and were taken back to a private table near the back. 

“This is a far cry from my usual birthday dinner.” 

“Well, since the family did something for you last night I figured this was better.” 

They had given me a dinner at Shogun’s last night, which she was with me but they hadn’t been happy about that. We got drinks orders in and everything ordered. Once we had drinks we were left alone.

“I do love that dress.” 

“Saphira helped me pick it out, she tried to get me to buy this really short number but no.” 

“Short would have been fine.” 

“Wasn’t appropriate to wear out of the house.” 

“Well, that dress is perfect.”

We idly talked about some of the things she wanted to do and what we were doing band wise, dinner was quite amazing though, I’d gone with the steak and it was super delicious. Maybe too much, but I could go home and be a vegetable the rest of the night. We ended up back at the apartment pretty early, right after dinner which I never saw a ticket and that felt so weird to me. 

I sat down on the sofa with her beside me and we just sat there.

“This is weird not having Joshua. I keep feeling like I need to jump and get him.” She said.

“I know, it’s weird for me to not have him here.” 

“But maybe that’s good, gives us time.” 

“It does.”

“So, concerning us…what exactly are we? Are we together or is it just mutual benefits?” 

“I don’t think either of us would be comfortable with the mutual benefits category.” 

“But are either of us ready for something else?”

“I think we both know the answer Cassandra, I know it may be more difficult for you given the divorce and everything, but I guess it’s really up to you. Are you ready to just go from one relationship to another one?” 

She was quiet for a few moments and then she moved into my lap, sitting sideways and fuck that was a kiss that pretty much answered my question.

“I think I am, I think fate put me at that show for a reason.” 

“I think it did too. So, I guess that might be the best birthday present ever, obtaining a girlfriend.” 

She smiled and then that kiss was divine. I just didn’t let her pull away as quickly. Not that she really seemed to want to, she didn’t even move my hand on her calf, the stockings felt weird against my hand though. When she moved over to my ear I laid my head back and I think she attacked my throat. 

“Fuck…”

I moved my hand up her leg, the feeling of the stocking against my hand and then the fabric of the dress began to bunch. She kept on with her own kisses and even nips at times. Just above her knee the stockings ended and it was just the smooth skin of her thigh. A slight tickle and she giggled against my neck.

“I um…think I want to go farther.” She said.

I raised my head up and looked at her. “Farther? What do you mean?” 

“Farther, as in past what we normally do. I just…”

“You want to actually go to sex?” 

“Yes, but I just. I’m kind of nervous and scared to go that far.” 

“Why? It’s normal unless it’s just too soon.” 

I had a feeling it wasn’t because of how long we’d known each other and I also guaranteed Calvin was the issue.

“It’s not too soon, I’ve actually thought about it before. But, Calvin wasn’t ever really that great in the sex department and he’s really not quite average and you definitely are above.” 

I moved my hand on the outside of her thigh and pulled her closer to me. I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt being compared to him, but I couldn’t blame her because he’d apparently done so much that was wrong and that ended up hurting her and he’d used sex the last time he came after her.

“I’m no expert in sex Cassie, but I know that it shouldn’t be forced and it shouldn’t be because you feel like you owe it to someone. If you’d rather wait that’s fine.” 

“It’s not that, I do want to. Have for a while now, but just the nerves I don’t know what to expect.” 

“Well, there is a first time for everything.”

“You should check on Joshua first.” 

I called Taylor and checked in but as I was talking to him she went back to my neck. Joshua was fine, he was having his nighttime bottle now and they were going to bed. Once I hung up I nipped her neck. 

“That was mean.” 

“You taking your time to unwrap your gift is mean.” 

Yep, the blonde showed a bit until it clicked that she meant her, but while I totally didn’t mind breaking in the living room, if it was going to be a first then it was going to be done right. So, I got up and lead her upstairs. That dress was so easy to get off, it simply unzipped and slid down to the floor. 

I wanted her to be relaxed completely, so I started with her. Giving oral sex was always something I enjoyed and with her it was no different, but I did rather like the way the taste better and I liked the way she responded. Because I knew the end goal was sex and her concern I did put more thought into that with using extra fingers, she’d initially seemed like it hurt but then she relaxed.

“Fuck, that feels so good.” 

“Just wait, I don’t have to worry about Joshua waking up.” 

I’d been toning down some because while I loved hearing her scream, he was here. As a drummer I could do multiple rhythms and that is what she responded to the best. It really wasn’t until she was screaming and I could feel her legs shaking that I pulled back some. I was pretty sure that even now she might feel some pain, but not enough to really hurt her.

I really expected that I’d be taking my own pants and underwear off, considering she usually laid there for several minutes but not tonight, no I’d barely gotten upright before her hands were undoing the button and zipper! They were both at my knees within moments and her hand was already around the base and fuck the warmth of her mouth around the head almost made me collapse then and there. As great as it felt with just her mouth, the concept of being somewhere else was so alluring.

I did have to stop her though because the intensity was going to push me over, yet she seemed very confused but I pulled her to me and kissed her.

“You keep on, we won’t get to go further. Do you still want to?” 

I was almost afraid she’d say no, but she nodded. I took a few moments to kick the pants and underwear off the side of the bed before laying her back down. I could feel her body shaking against me. It really was the first time that both of us had been completely naked and this close.

I kissed her a few times and moved across her jaw line to her ear. “Cassandra, if it’s too much then tell me. I’m not going to hurt you if you stop me.” 

“I know, just…nervous.” 

“I know.” 

As much as I wanted to go straight to the sex, I just let my hands roam, encouraged her to let hers but eventually she was wiggling below me and I giggled, I knew it was driving her insane because fuck it was me. Unlike my true first time I wanted to remember this and know who it was. I rose up just a bit for angle purposes and to use one hand to guide. I really didn’t need to worry about lube, she was wet enough already. 

To distract her from any discomfort I leaned down and kissed her as I pushed into her. Fuck it felt perfect, but she felt tight to me still and I could feel her tensing. But after several minutes she seemed to relax and then came that moan. I still moved slow, wanting to remember both the way she felt around me and what I was feeling. 

The sex really was better than it was the first time, her calling my name and eventually screaming it again was amazing, the way she felt and the way her body clung to me as she came was perfect. I’d definitely have to thank Taylor for taking him tonight because I doubt this would have happened if he’d been here. Unlike my first time, I was aware the whole time and afterwards I didn’t mind that she was right against me. We laid here for a long time just letting our heart rates and breathing become more normal.

I kissed her after a while. “I’m going to assume that you are fine, what with the screaming.” 

“Little sore, but that is expected and honestly, welcomed.” 

“Welcomed? Sore? Are you okay?” 

She kissed me. “I am fine. I really didn’t think sex could feel that way…What about you? Was your second time better?” 

“My second time was a lot better than my first, I think if I could I’d just replace that memory. In fact, I might.” 

She couldn’t stifle the yawn and damn I was tired too so we moved only enough to pull the sheets down and curled up under the covers. I had to admit that holding her close to me and feeling the warmth of her body was pleasant. It really was the best birthday present ever. Falling asleep next to her and having her here was the best. 

**October 22, 2006 – Cassandra –**

Sex had never felt that great. It really showed that even though Zac wasn’t that experienced that Saphira was right, foreplay was important. Ironically it was not Zac that woke me up, but it was me that woke him up for the second round sometime after five am. Not that he seemed to mind at all. We were just laying there afterwards, knowing we both had to get up and shower soon to meet them at the studio at ten. I was about asleep again when the doorbell went off.

“Who the hell would be here so early?” he asked.

Knowing I could nap all day if I wanted I kissed him. “I’ll go check. I won’t open the door unless it’s someone I know.” 

“I’ll come down in a few.” 

I got up and just grabbed his shirt and slipped it on.

“Fuck…make that five minutes.” He groaned.

The bell rang again as I was about ½ way down the steps, but I could hear him crying. I did check the peep hole just to make sure it was Taylor and it was. So I opened the door.

“What’s wrong with him?” 

“I have no idea but he won’t stop.” He said.

Joshua turned his head to me the moment he heard my voice and his crying got a bit louder so I just took him from Taylor. 

“Tay? Why is he crying?” Zac asked.

I was slightly startled because I didn’t even hear him coming down the steps! I stepped to the side but Joshua was already calming down. I just talked to him gently, told him it was okay and he went from loud piercing crying to more whiney.

“He was fine all afternoon yesterday. Harper bathed him because I changed the diaper but didn’t get it tight enough and diaper explosion. That was gross there was poop up his back. But, she bathed him and got him dry and dressed and he took his nighttime bottle and we laid down. Putting him with us but he just wouldn’t go to sleep. I tried singing lightly, and he seemed to be trying but then he was awake. After midnight he started whining, so we tried leaving him alone for thirty minutes, since he doesn’t sleep with you. That didn’t work. We walked, rocked, bounced, everything I finally tried the car and when that failed we just brought him here.” 

Joshua was already quiet in my arms, curled up against my chest. 

“Little Brat, I tried that! Thinking he was rather use to you being around and maybe he wanted boobs.” 

I noticed Taylor was looking at me and I saw his eyes dip, he bit his lip a moment before looking over at Joshua.

“Any idea what was wrong? We tried everything.” 

“It’s not colic, he’s too old for that and he’s clean, diaper feels dry, he’s warm and even his hands are.” 

I knew the hand was because it was against my skin. But, Zac just giggled.

“Nothing was wrong Taylor. He just isn’t used to you two yet and it appears Harper that he wanted her boobs and not yours.” 

“Clearly!” She said.

“When did he actually eat last?” 

“He took a bottle about 2:30, but he drank about half and then got to crying again. I think he spit most of it up an hour later.” 

“I’ll see if he’ll take one for me.” 

I went and fixed the bottle with him and he just seemed comfortable. I was headed back to the living room with him and the bottle when I heard Harper’s voice.

“It’s like he was missing her almost like she was his mother or something.” 

Zac snorted. “She basically is his mother Harper. She’s had him a lot since he was about three weeks old.” 

“Speaking of…she’s um…in your shirt and you both have that after sex smell.”

“We do not smell.” I said.

I sat down in the chair, fully aware that his shirt was all I had on, so I made sure that things were covered. It took him several minutes to take the bottle and I could tell he was super tired. It was Zac that laid the blanket over him and I, I didn’t even question it just meant I could lean back! 

“Did you have a good birthday night?” Taylor asked.

“I did. We had dinner and got to talk and hang out.” 

Taylor looked around and sighed. “How long has she been living here Zac?” 

I scooted to the side and he sat down in the space available. He really needed more seating here, but I didn’t mind that he was that close.

“It’s really none of your business Taylor. It’s my house. The reason that she came here to start with is none of your business either, it was my decision. It’s been far easier for her and I both to take care of him with her here.” 

“I’m not saying anything! I know that Isaac and our parents and sister are all over your case about everything. But, they don’t see you two daily. Well, Jess and Ike do but as she pointed out, they don’t bother to even acknowledge her.” 

“You didn’t either for a while.”

He looked over his shoulder and Joshua had taken the full bottle in no time flat, I’d moved him up to burp and he had and now he was out.

“He is going to sleep all day long.” Zac said.

“I’m sorry. I considered bringing him back about one but I thought we could handle him. I just…he did this not breathing thing and I freaked the fuck out.” 

“Babies do that sometimes.”

“Are you even going in?” Zac asked.

“As much as I want to and know we need to, neither of us slept last night. So, I will be the asshole and send Ike and you a message and say I’m not coming in.” 

“You gonna let Ike yell at you?” 

“Hey, we volunteered to take him and we can’t just make him sleep. Clearly, Cassie can.” 

I just smiled, because he really was sound asleep, his head laying right on a boob. It grew quiet for several minutes before Harper looked at me.

“Is it possible for us to start over? I know I’ve been kind of a bitch the last few months.” 

“I don’t hold grudges. But, hey I’m Cassandra, Joshua’s sitter.” 

“Harper, Taylor’s wife.” 

We couldn’t shake hands but the guys just rolled their eyes. They didn’t stay much longer, they looked tired and they wanted to snooze a while. Taylor did send the message to Ike and Zac, which didn’t please Isaac at all and Zac was kind of shocked Taylor admitted the reason was they didn’t sleep because Joshua cried all night.

Once they were gone I laid him down in the crib and we did shower. But, I just put a gown on and he stuck to a t-shirt and boxers. It was a lazy day for sure, but we got to talk a little bit more. He was curious on exactly how Calvin was with sex, which wasn’t all that good. We didn’t let Joshua sleep all day, it meant we had to deal with a very cranky and ill baby that afternoon but he was in bed a bit early.

Not that we were, he decided breaking the couch in was more important than sleep!


	31. My Way

POV: Cassandra 

  

October 26, 2006

The last few days had been hectic, while I liked staying at the house I wanted to come in today just for the scenery change and I noticed that Taylor came in and for like thirty minutes he’d held and talked to Joshua. He even got some smiles!

Sex with Zac was so different. He was attentive and cared, he didn’t want the sex itself to be painful to me. It wasn’t solely about him either, it was more a mutual benefit. Even though finding time was a bit hard and sometimes Joshua wouldn’t be cooperative! He also didn’t get mad when we were interrupted. So, that made it even better.

I was slowly learning that he was not Calvin. But, there were times when he’d come in mad from Ike or something where he did remind me of Calvin, but I was learning! The earliest part of the day was usually spent devoted to them answering e-mails, phone calls, doing conference calls, and meetings. So, Joshua and I moved around depending on where they were. 

About 11:15 I went and fixed his bottle and got him fed and changed. I then entertained him a bit before laying him down. He was almost asleep when Zac came to the door.

“Want to go grab lunch with me?” 

“It’s too wet and rainy for him to be out and I just laid him down. If I move him now he’ll be grouchy all afternoon.” 

“Not a problem, Taylor said he’d sit with him if we wanted him to. He knows it’s naptime.” 

I raised an eyebrow. “Wait, we get to like…go eat there?” 

“Yep.”

“I am game!”

He went and got Taylor who came into the office and sat down. “Anything I need to know?” 

“Not really, he was happy all morning and just fell asleep so he won’t wake up until after we’re back. If he does, he usually needs to be changed and then play time.”

“And if he screams?” 

“Call me.” Zac said.

He nodded and we left, Zac didn’t go very far incase Joshua did wake up and start crying. He had chosen an Italian place which was fine with me and after getting seated, drink orders, and even lunch orders they left us to talk.

“It’s kind of weird to have a date in the middle of the day.” He said.

“I’m shocked you didn’t want to say you’re coming here but head home instead.” 

“Oh, I could totally do that too. But he’d find my change of clothes fishy and eating lunch and sex are different to him.” 

“Yeah, he wouldn’t mind the food but the sex, yes. Not that I wouldn’t totally love that idea.” 

I shook my head and the salads came, so we took a few moments to eat them.

“So, we’re officially together.” 

“Yes, I believe we can classify us that way.” He said.

“I feel very strange being your girlfriend and you paying me.”

“No one is making you watch him and besides even as my girlfriend you can still be his sitter.” 

“But you won’t let me do anything Zac. You basically pay me and don’t want me to spend it at all.” 

“What you spend it on is your business Cass.” 

“But when it comes to utilities, rent, insurance, and the such you refuse to let me help at all.” 

“It’s what I’m supposed to do Cassie.” 

“If you aren’t going to let me help you, then you don’t need to pay me to watch him.” 

He leaned forward. “I’m not going to have you watch him without some payment. You don’t have to even as my girlfriend that’s not part of the deal.” 

“No, I just want to Zac. You provide everything that I could ever ask for. Yet, you pay me just to watch him for ten hours a day.” 

“It’s ten hours a day you can’t do anything else.” 

“What do I have to do besides watch him?” 

He leaned over some more. “Go back to school, get that photography degree you want.”

I leaned in. “That doesn’t change my mind.” 

“What will change your mind?” 

“Nothing. If you insist on leaving the pay the same, then you have to give me something to cover. Water bill, lights, cable, anything. I can’t just live off of you while you pay everything at the house plus pay me.”

I had leaned enough to kiss him and then sat back and he did too. He seemed to be thinking about it. But, I did feel bad that he covered everything and still paid me. I didn’t care if he could afford to or not, the point was I felt like I was using him.

“I refuse to not pay you anything at all, because you do watch him and you aren’t required to.” 

“Cut what you pay me then, at least by half or more.” 

“I will do that if you go back to school, I know you wanted to. I want you to because you have an amazing talent and you deserve to explore that and use it. I will do what you ask if you sign up for those classes you wanted to take. I’ll even make sure you can attend the classes or online or whatever you want to do.” 

“You drive a hard bargain, you know that.” 

He just smiled. “I don’t mind doing it Cassie, I basically told you that you couldn’t leave and my meaning was good and not like Calvin. I don’t want you to feel like you have to always be his sitter.” 

“I don’t really mind that though.” 

The waitress brought our main dishes and we dove in. I honestly didn’t mind watching Joshua but it felt different that he wanted me to expand my own knowledge and to do this. 

“The next semester doesn’t start until next year you know.” 

“I know, in February.” 

“How did?” 

“Well, if you hadn’t been all my way or the highway I was actually going to pay for the first semester for you, Christmas gift. Now, I’ve got to revise my plans.” 

I blinked. “You…what?” 

“You’ve mentioned it a few times and when you told your parents why you left I thought about it. You are a great photographer, you are fantastic with children. You took that set for Clayton and rocked it even with Joshua there. Calvin should have never held you back. I wasn’t raised to hold others back and if you want to pursue that, then I want you to and I’ll do whatever you need to make sure you do.” 

“You’re going to make me cry, not cool.” 

“No, I don’t want to do that either. I’m not Calvin and I can never be that much of an asshole. You obviously want to. I want you to.” 

“Half what you pay now, starting now and I will register when it opens which is December 1. I’ll try to do morning classes or online if possible.” 

“Deal. You are so much easier to bargain with.” 

We both giggled and finished our lunch. He paid the check and as we headed to the front someone called his name and he got distracted by them.

“I’m going on to the truck, unless I need to wait.” 

“No, it’s Reed. Um, Reed this is Cassandra or Cassie, she’s my girlfriend.” 

This guy looked very confused but shook my hand. “It’s nice to meet you and I won’t keep him long.” 

I smiled and headed out to the car with the keys, it was cold and rainy this weekend but they were predicting Halloween to be very nice. I was trying to remember the stupid code on his door when I heard the sounds of someone clearing their throat.

I turned, thinking it was Zac about to giggle at me because he has told me this code many times, but as soon as I turned around there was a fist flying toward me and it most definitely was not Zac standing there. The pain came mostly from my nose area and it was a hard enough hit that I stumbled back and fell. 

“Who the fuck gave you permission to file for a divorce? If you fucking think for a minute I am going to sign those fucking papers you are stupid as hell.”

Even where I was I could see a great deal of blood mixing with the rain water, but he didn’t give me time to comprehend where the blood was mainly coming from, instead he kicked me right in the side.

“Fucking bitch, you really think you are going to get away from me that easily? You run away, go fuck some guy in a hotel and now you’re here having lunch with that bastard like you can? No leaving your ass behind this time, you are coming home right now and you will cancel that divorce plan, you won’t even be seeing the fucking daylight for a long fucking time.” 

I tried to get up off the ground, but what good does it do me when he’s towering over me? But, that just prompted him to kick me again, glad they were his work boots and not pointed dressy shoes, but they still hurt like hell. But the pain combined with the kick is what caused me to throw up, not his incessant screaming that I was a whore or that I was a bitch. I could see Zac and his friend running across the parking lot, Calvin couldn’t because his focus was on me.

I curled up in the event he felt another kick was warranted but I heard Zac’s voice and I could vaguely see the shock on Calvin’s face when he saw who was calling my name. I saw Calvin fall onto his ass right in front of me, the stunned look on his face, and I know Zac was saying words but I wasn’t paying attention. I’d been around men in my life, but none of them had ever stood up to him! Calvin made it back up and then he was backing away and leaving. 

“I’m not signing, the bitch can fucking deal with that.” He yelled.

He was then running away, I’d never seen him run away or even back down! I didn’t have much time to comprehend that though, there were hands on my arms and Zac was helping me up with his friend.

“Cassie? Can you hear me?” 

I nodded but I heard the guy say he’d drive and I was confused but Zac was holding something up to my nose and even as we drove he held it. Reed didn’t ask where to go, he just drove us straight to the emergency room. Despite my protesting neither were going to listen.

“You’re nose could be broken.” Reed said.

“It’s not broken! I know what that feels like, he’s broken it before.” 

“Still, I saw him kick you myself and you need to let them check you.” Zac said.

I guessed the fact that Zac couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and my nose was pouring blood was enough concern that the nurses didn’t really ask a lot of questions they just took me back. But, once back and they got the bleeding to stop they did ask questions. I started to tell them I’d fallen but Zac just shook his head.

“Tell them what happened Cassandra. You don’t have to cover for him anymore.” 

Of course, I knew telling them that my soon to be ex-husband had hit me would involve the police and I guess he didn’t know that until they showed up and kicked him and Reed out. I’d never actually filed a police report against him, never thought it would do any good really. But Zac would file on my behalf if I didn’t, they took photos and got a statement before they let them back.

“Taylor called while we were waiting, Joshua is fine. He’s awake and playing.” 

“I just want to leave.” 

“They should be in here soon, they’ve done x-rays and all.”

I hated hospitals, spent so much time in them before that being stuck here wasn’t my idea of a good afternoon. But the doctor came in about four and cleared me, no broken bones or major issues so they released me. Zac drove us back to the restaurant so Reed could head home in his car and then we went to the studio.

“I don’t have a clean shirt there.” 

“No problems, we have a ton of extras, I’ll just grab one from the floor.” 

I wondered exactly how he was going to explain the blood on my shirt, because it was like a torrent down the front and worse it had spread some from the rain water. Taylor was the first person to greet us at the door and yep, the blood was enough.

“What the hell happened?!” 

“Her husband showed up and hit her, there was excessive bleeding so Reed took us to the emergency room.” 

Leave it to Zac to stick his foot in his mouth.

“Uh…her what?” Taylor asked.

It took Zac several minutes to comprehend why Taylor was questioning it, because they didn’t know I was married.

“He’s a soon to be ex-husband Tay. I filed for a divorce earlier this month. He apparently wasn’t happy when he got served.”

“So he hit you? Kind of extreme isn’t it?” 

Zac started to talk and I just stopped him. “I’d really rather not speak about it Taylor.” 

He looked at me and then Zac and nodded. “Okay. Go find you a clean shirt at least, I am sure we have a few dozen extra ones.” 

Zac actually went to get one, clearly having one in mind and where because he wasn’t gone long and I went to the bathroom and changed shirts. I then went to the office where they were. 

“Joshua did good, changed a diaper and we’ve been just talking and playing. Kid has rhythm Zac, he clearly took after you.” 

Zac just smiled. “Ike still here?” 

“Yeah, he was responding to e-mails and stuff.” 

“Cassie you feel like staying any longer?” 

“I’m fine.” 

“You don’t look fine, you look like you’ve been hit.” Tay said.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “I was hit Taylor. But I’m fine, not like Joshua is running around the place yet.” 

“Yet being the operative word there.” Zac said.

“Totally.” I said.

When they were certain I was fine they went to let Ike know he was back, shocked me that Isaac wasn’t screaming about being behind or anything but I didn’t rock that boat. They went to the studio and I kept Joshua. 

I had filed a police report against him. Something I had never done. Joshua was having his late afternoon bottle when the number on the phone came up, I knew it was Calvin. I let it ring and even through the second and third call back, I let it ring. Once Joshua was down for tummy time I picked it up, he’d left messages too.

Apparently the police came and talked with him too but he wasn’t arrested and I didn’t expect he would be. Yet he kept speaking about the closet and I just wasn’t feeling well now.

“Cassie?” Jessica asked.

I looked up at Jessica. “What do you want?” 

“Are you okay? You look rather pale.” 

“I’m fine.”

She tilted her head to the side but nodded and yet she must have gone straight to Zac because it wasn’t but a few minutes later he was standing in front of me. 

“What’s wrong? Do you feel sick now?” 

“I’m just nauseous.”

Yet the next time the phone went off he picked it up and then laid it back down. 

“We’re not really doing much, let’s just go home.” 

“No. I don’t want Isaac to be pissed off at you because I don’t feel happy and perky.” 

He leaned down. “Cassandra, he hit you and you bled for like twenty minutes. You shouldn’t be here alone with him and be expected to care for him when you just left the hospital. Isaac can deal with it and I can handle him if he wants to be pissed off about it. Let me tell them we’re leaving.” 

He vanished before I could object and was back in the room packing up the few things that we brought back and forth to the studio for Joshua daily. Ironically Isaac didn’t seem that pissed off to be leaving and I presumed he had a date or could see his hidden girlfriend. Zac drove us home and he basically had me lay down in the living room.

“Don’t be pissed off but I kind of told Ike and Tay why you were getting a divorce, that you had filed and that the main reason was he was abusive. I didn’t give them details, just that. It’s why Ike wasn’t pissed off, he understood that you didn’t need to be there right now.” 

“Eventually they would have found out, and maybe they would be more understanding or accepting if they knew more about me.” 

“But knowing this fucker used you as his own punching bag is not what I want them to know Cassie. I want them to know about how you like photos, how you are.”

“What he did made me how I am Zac.”

“Well, you have the option to explain more if you wish, but I just said he was abusive. Speaking of…what did he mean in his messages?” 

“The closet is the linen closet of the house, he took the shelves out and when he was especially pissed off he’d lock me in there. Honestly, he saw it as a punishment and I saw it as a blessing because as long as I was locked in that closet he wouldn’t hit me.” 

“That is horrible though.” 

“You hit him.” 

“I really wanted to do a hell of a lot more than one hit Cassie, Reed stopped me.” 

“But you still hit him. I had male friends back then and they never stood up to him.” 

He pushed the hair from my face. “Because they were afraid, I have no reason to be afraid of someone who thinks beating on women makes them a man. He is no man Cassie, if he was then he wouldn’t have ever hit you. It doesn’t matter what you do.” 

“You can’t ever guarantee I won’t piss you off.” 

“No, I can’t guarantee that you won’t at some point, you haven’t yet. But, Cassie the difference between Calvin and I is that even if you do piss me off, I’m not going to hit you for it. I was raised better than that, my own father would beat my ass if I ever hit you.” 

“Doubtful, he doesn’t like me.” 

“Whether he likes you or not, he still would because you are a woman and I was raised not to hit women. I was raised not to scream and yell and be an asshole. As mad as I was at Megan, I never hit her. Not even when she called Joshua a bastard did I hit her.”

“But you wanted to?” 

“I’ll admit that I did want to hit her, I wanted to slap her and make her realize that Joshua was her son too. But, she made the choice to give him up and she called him a bastard. I wouldn’t have hit her, even if I wanted to, because that’s wrong.”

“I don’t know why he does it. Just does.” 

“I don’t know either, but let’s go with until we’re sure he won’t do this again that you take me with you unless Saphira is with you. I don’t want to have to kill him because her hurts you or Joshua.” 

“He ran from you. I’ve never seen him run from anyone.” 

“You did say he hated me, maybe I should ask around and find out if there’s a reason.”

“Maybe.” 

“Ok, you lay here and rest. Joshua is content with his tummy time and toys here. He can’t go far. I’m going to fix dinner.” 

“Okay.” 

He went to the kitchen and I watched Joshua play. I had noticed that he was trying to turn over for a few weeks now. But I was as shocked as Joshua seemed to be when he turned himself over. Not that he seemed to mind, because he just played with the toys above him.

“Did you move him?” 

“Nope. He turned himself over.” 

“No way, and I missed it?” 

“Trust me he’ll do it again and again and again.” 

He smiled and came over. “Dinner’s almost done.” 

I sat up. I wanted to try him on cereal again so while Zac finished ours I made a small amount for him and when we sat down I sat him with me. 

“Is that wise?” 

“Just trying, the last time he spit it back out.” 

He seemed to really like the cereal this time, even if three bites was all he wanted. I let Zac handle him after dinner though, playing and getting him ready for bed and eventually in bed. I was glad to lay down and I made sure to be close to him. My side hurt the most and I knew it would for a few days. But I fell asleep pretty quickly.


	32. Just Like A Circus

POV: Cassandra / Zac 

  

October 31, 2006

Zac had said that Joshua was going out tonight and that we were both dressing up too. I’d been very skeptical about that but he insisted. Added, he volunteered to take Avery out as well, how he convinced his mother that it was fine for her to spend that much time around me without them was beyond me. Yet he fully shocked me when she was dropped off yesterday before I left to go get our costumes. 

I’d almost fainted that their parents trusted me to take their teenage daughter shopping! Of course, before I actually left he handed me the list of things her costume couldn’t contain or be like. I think “nothing sexy” was listed at least every other line. Less skin that is seen the better, so that was interesting. Saphira had gone with us and well, we ended up getting this strange circus theme going. It started with Avery’s actually, who went with a cheetah costume. It was a dress which had three quarter sleeves, a long skirt that was printed and a vest with cheetah print that had the hood and ears. It included a tail and long black leggings with cuffs. She had black flats to pair it with. 

It was Joshua’s costume that to the three of us seemed to just solidify the theme. He would be a safari lion, it was a one piece suit that zipped up the front and had a tail too! It was mostly brown with stripes and had a round white spot with brown spots in the center. Around the feet and arms was brown fur and it even had a hood that had the lion face and ears, he was going to be so adorable! 

My costume was going way outside my comfort zone and I suspected Zac being the ring leader would be perfect. It was simple, comfortable, and wouldn’t be too much. His costume had black pants with a white shirt. There was then a gold vest and a red and black lions tamers type vest over that. He even had a top hat and a whip with white gloves.

They worked early today so I took the time to get Joshua’s Halloween pictures. Using our own back yard, he seemed to like the outfit which would be perfect. I didn’t take a ton of pictures because I had limited positions without some support and I was sure that we’d get more tonight. Saphira was going to meet us for a little bit. Her outfit was straight up sex. It was a one piece skin tight outfit that zipped up the front, it was designed like a tiger and even had the ears. She fit with the theme well. Even if she would only be there a little while. 

Since we were official, he had asked me nicely to move my things from the spare room to the master. It felt a little pushy but it also felt right. So, I had done that Sunday and Harper and Taylor had been guests that night, which they did get a little more of my background because Taylor politely asked about my soon to be ex-husband. Zac had told me the next afternoon that he knew why Calvin was so sketchy in this area and with his family.

Calvin had dated one of their cousins before he met me. He’d hit their cousin and her brother had gone ballistic on him. Apparently, Calvin ran to Oklahoma City to get away from their cousin. But, the last name was Hanson so it totally explained why he hated the area and the name. I hadn’t said anything to him but, it was probably why she didn’t ensure Joshua had been taken care of as well as he should, which rather pissed me off. But it did mean he may leave me alone knowing I was here with Zac. 

Diana and Walker brought Avery over about two. I was yet against stunned.

“Guess what Cassie!” She said.

“What?” 

“I get to stay! Assuming that Zac is okay with it.”

I glanced at her parents. “I’m sure Zac won’t mind at all. I know I don’t.”

“She has an overnight bag with her and we’ll pick her up tomorrow at the studio.” Walker said.

I let her inside and stepped out a bit. “Are you both okay with me being around her though?” 

They exchanged looks. “Honestly, no. But, Taylor has pointed out that Avery does like you and that Zac is her brother and he wouldn’t do anything that would compromise her safety. Therefore, if Zac trusts you then we feel she will be safe with you.” 

“I have no intention of causing anyone harm. Not Zac, not the other two boys, or your daughters.”

“We thank you for choosing a costume that is very appropriate.” Walker said.

Yeah, let’s not mention mine to them. “Certainly. She isn’t an adult and that is age appropriate.” 

“She said it fit the theme too, apparently you are all going as some circus animal?” Walker asked.

“Yes. Zac’s our ring leader and she is the cheetah, Joshua the Lion and I chose a Macaw. My friend will be a tiger but she won’t be with us but thirty minutes or so.” 

“It’s fine. Zac knows she is here we were going to bring her there but he said they were trying to get caught up. Um..how are you feeling?” Diana asked.

“I feel fine.” 

“Taylor mentioned that a man had hit you a week or so ago, he said you were hurt but didn’t say how badly.” 

“Yeah, he um hit me pretty hard. Bloody nose mostly and a few bruises but I’m fine now. Zac made sure I was okay.”

“Good. He said he couldn’t tell us who the man was, but assured me that he wouldn’t come around Zac.” 

“He won’t.” 

“Okay, we’ll we’re going to head out. Um, if you need anything Avery has our numbers.” 

“Okay. Have a good afternoon.” 

They smiled and left and I was left feeling somewhat awkward that Taylor had basically stood up for me to their parents. I went back inside and Avery was waiting.

“I tried to tell Mom I’d be fine with you.” 

“I had to make sure they were okay with me though, they haven’t quite been that supportive of me.” 

She snorted. “That’s because they feel like you’ll do like Megan. That you’ll hurt Zac somehow and that he’ll be left with another kid. You won’t do that right?” 

I smiled and wondered if she really was fourteen. “No. If Zac and I have a child you can count on me to stick around.” 

“Good. So, Mom won’t let me skip on homework unfortunately.” 

“Joshua should be up in about an hour. Take the whole table if you need to.” 

She smiled and got her papers and went to the dining room. It was so strange to have her here and be responsible for her too! I did help her with anything she asked about and she was entertaining Joshua while I fixed dinner when Zac got home.

“I totally didn’t think Mom would drop you off.” 

“Pft, left me and ran about two.” 

He laughed. “Sorry Cassie.” 

“Are you kidding I got to fix dinner without having a heart attack because he rolled under a table. Which, dinner will be done soon, it’s simmering now.” 

“Saphira still meeting us at 7:30?” 

“Yep. She’s going to grab some pictures for us and then we can head out.” 

We weren’t going very far, mostly for Avery than Joshua because well, there wasn’t anything he could have. 

“You going to tell me what you are now? It is Halloween.” 

“No. You have to wait until she’s ready.” Avery said.

“She’s been around you too long already.” 

“Sorry. But, hey! She is staying.” 

“I heard.”

When dinner was ready we all sat down, Joshua bounced at the table and I even gave him some more cereal. After dinner everyone went to get ready, it put me in the room with Avery to change but she didn’t mind and neither did I. In fact she was a great help with the lacing on the back of mine and the feather tail.

“He’s going to really like this one.” 

“I sure hope so.” 

I had borrowed make up from Saphira in bright blues for the eyes and I got red lipstick. Her red heels were going to be the death of me though.

**-Zac-**

Ring leader? It was the first time I was seeing my own costume and she’d gotten me a ring leader outfit, complete with whip.

“Joshua what is she trying to say? That you are all just wild animals?” 

He smiled at me and then of course I got his and oh, he’s a lion. 

“Well, this is interesting…” 

I got dressed first, finding the outfit comfortable, it wasn’t tight or too loose. Kind of made me look spiffy even! Once I was ready I got him ready. Clean diaper and then the outfit which just fit him so well and he didn’t even mind the hat, which, considering it would be cooler outside, the hat would be fine. When we were ready I went downstairs where Avery was sitting on the couch with her costume on. 

“Cheetah..I’m sensing a theme here.” 

“Hey, recon you can run the circus tonight?” 

“I wouldn’t dare but…where is Cassie?”

“She poked herself in the eye and it caused them to water, she had to fix her make up.” 

Make up? I didn’t even think she wore make up! While I waited on her I got his diaper bag ready and even went ahead and got the bottle ready, he’d have to eat on the way thanks to help from Avery. I heard the heels on the steps and I’d only really seen her wearing heels once and that was my birthday. I turned to the steps about the time she came into the room and I am sure I stopped breathing.

Her costume was mostly red, while it wasn’t my favorite color by any means at this very moment it was! Her main piece was a solid red, shiny strapless dress that was so short, it flared out with red tulle under the main piece and I really wondered if she paired it with red panties. There was soft little pillows of cleavage and red glittery heels. But what made it stand out was the bright wings that started as red and then went to yellow, orange, pink, purple, blue, green, yellow, orange and then red. She did a spin and the tail feathers cascaded from her lower back over her ass and almost down to the floor. If she wore stockings, I didn’t see them. Her hair was down but a red feather stuck out on one side.

That make up was nice though, blue eye shadows that just made her eyes pop even more and bright cherry red lipstick.

I felt the stab of a nail in my arm. “You may want to stop drooling on your son Zac.”

“He won’t mind. He drools on me all the time.” I said.

“I take it then you approve?” 

“Very, this little theme though, cute.” 

“Saphira is a tiger if it helps.” 

I rolled my eyes and we got everything loaded. As we drove to the meet up spot Avery fed him, making sure to keep him clean. When we arrived Saphira was waiting and I glanced at Cassie. 

“That’s no tiger I’ve ever seen.”

“Never said it was fluffy kitty.” 

We got out and I got Joshua making sure he was clean still. Saphira mainly met us to take some group pictures because well, it’s hard to take them of us when we’re both in the picture. Cassie did take several without her, Joshua and Avery, the three of us, me and him. But I pretty much was prepared to beg for ones of her and him and singles. Once we had the pictures out of the way Saphira walked with us for about thirty minutes before she cut off and headed to an adult party, one Avery couldn’t even go near apparently. 

We walked slowly, mostly because we were walking to doors with Avery and him. Joshua seemed to be okay with the host of costumes but at the end of the first street Cassie refused to walk down the sidewalk with him, so I walked with Avery, probably a good thing. Half way down some guy jumped out with a chainsaw and scared the hell out of us both, I’d imagine had she brought him down that would have ended our night. 

We took turns carrying him but I noticed about half-way down the third street she moved Joshua in front of her and her grip around him seemed tighter, I assumed that maybe he was getting sleepy, doubled that assumption when she asked me for his blanket. I was standing with her at the end of a rather long driveway and she got closer to me, it was an automatic reaction to put my arm around her.

“As much as I am enjoying this, I think I would rather enjoy being at home taking this off of you.” 

“You don’t want to cash in on the candy?” 

“Why? You’re much better.” 

“Guess I’m glad I added a lot of foundation, hide the redness I know is there.” 

I leaned down some. “I do have to ask…red panties too?” 

“I’m not saying anything and you’ll just have to find out later.” 

Joshua moved and she adjusted him to more laying but she covered his head up.

“Why are you covering his head up?” 

“Because I think some fan has figured you out, I’ve noticed the same person with the same costume has been down every street we have. She stops at every house and in fact she’s about ten feet behind us right now. It’s why I took him from Avery because her grip isn’t going to be that good.”

“You want me to take him?” 

“I have him, I mean if we had the carrier I’d feel better but the blanket at least keeps him covered. He’s getting tired too.” 

I looked behind us but there were dozens of people on the street and I didn’t recognize anyone. We moved to another house and this time I watched around us. I spotted her behind us, it was a red costume with a white and black pattern down the front, off the shoulder sleeves, lots of ruffles, and even though her face was covered mostly by the face mask, I knew who it was. 

Avery insisted I walk with her down the scary driveway and Cassie said it was fine, she had Joshua covered still. I knew that she wouldn’t let anyone else take him so I went with Avery, I could see her standing a little behind Cassie and she had her phone out but I knew Joshua was covered well. 

I reached her and we walked a few more houses down and she stayed just behind us. We stopped at the end of the street and crossed and Joshua whined, she had to uncover him some but she left the little hood on, which obscured most of his face anyway. It was the last street we were doing and I could tell he was starting to be over it and I kind of wanted that costume in the floor somewhere.

We walked up to one house and an older lady was there giving out candy. I could imagine we looked like a rolling circus! She smiled when we approached.

“Oh my! This is maybe the best family themed costumes I have seen.”

“Thank you.” Cassie said.

“You’re daughter is so cute and your son is so precious in that costume, he’s so sweet.” 

“Oh…She’s my baby sister not my daughter.” I said.

“Oh, well still.”

Cassie started to say something but she asked how old Joshua was before she could even say anything. 

“He’ll be five months in about ten days.” I said.

“He’s precious, actually kind of looks like his mother, the same little cheeks and dimples. You guys have a great afternoon.” 

“We will ma’am, thank you.” 

When we turned around I saw her standing five feet behind us, I couldn’t make out her face at all because of the mask. I moved around and blocked her view of Joshua and we went on down the street. We hit the next several houses before reaching the end and by then Joshua was getting fussy.

“I think he’s wet. The outfit is kind of causing me issues to tell.” 

“I’m sure he is…But..” 

“Zachary. Don’t even go there, your sister is right here.” 

Avery rolled her eyes. “It’s fine Cassie. I know about sex and stuff. I mean, I know that to have Joshua he’s no innocent little flower.” 

Cassie and I were both stunned at that. I didn’t even know how to respond so I didn’t, just lead them to the truck. She put him in the car seat and since he was starting to cry more she sat back there with him. I headed home from there and when we arrived he was not happy, so she took him. Cassie got him changed in the living room and Avery got his pajamas, but he didn’t quite calm down so I went ahead and fixed a bottle.

“He’s probably just tired.”

“Can he sleep with me?” Avery asked.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” I said.

“Why not?” 

“He may roll off the bed if you don’t wake up when he does.” Cassie said.

“Can his crib roll into the other room?” 

They both looked at me and the idea that I’d have her alone without him in the room was enough for me to try it, it was a tight fit but it made it and that’s where she laid him down when he was done. Avery got ready for bed while he fell asleep and we assured her, the door wouldn’t be locked.

Red solid lace panties was what she’d chosen and that was just perfect. I had to get pictures though before I got that suit off, because it was too perfect and too sexy not to. Getting it off really wasn’t that hard. We did shower after the amazing sex though, and I checked on both Avery and Joshua before we actually went to bed.

 

Cassandra, Zac, and Joshua's costumes 

Avery's Costume

Saphira's Costume

"The girls" Costumes. 

  


	33. Strangers

POV: Cassandra

 

November 4, 2006

The guys were busy working on the World Aids Day song, Great Divide, and getting things set up with that. I took the chance to just stay at the townhouse so Zac had taken my car to work this morning, leaving me in his words, the safer car. I didn’t care either way. I’d gotten up with Joshua and we’d had a pretty decent few hours of lounging and eating breakfast. Zac sent a message about 10 asking for me to bring food as he hadn’t had time to stop like he planned and they were stuck with conference calls all morning. I agreed and in looking around went ahead and made a list of the things we would need.

He had decided to host Thanksgiving, which meant we were doing most of the cooking and we were actually going to my parents for several days after to spend time with them. I wasn’t sure if having everyone here was a good idea but they all knew that I lived here now and that Zac and I weren’t just co-workers. He was my boyfriend.

I saw the photo from Halloween that he had printed the next day of the three of us, Saphira had taken it and it had a place on the wall already. I remembered the night but what really stuck out was that little old lady on the porch. She had thought Avery and Joshua were mine and while Zac corrected her that Avery wasn’t our daughter, he had not told her I wasn’t his mother.

Was he implying that he wanted me to be Joshua’s Mom? That he wouldn’t care if I considered myself Joshua’s mom and he considered me his mother? Did that mean Zac loved me enough to consider that a possibility? If that was the case, he hadn’t really said those words and really, I hadn’t either. But, I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about that. I’d been quick to say those words to Calvin and I didn’t want a repeat.

But, what if Megan came back and wanted him? Zac was adamant that she would never be that way and that she wouldn’t be coming back, but I couldn’t imagine giving this precious child up. There was another possibility, what if he and I didn’t make it either? I wouldn’t be able to ask for visitation of Joshua because he wasn’t my son and I had no leg to stand on there.

But wanting me to be his mom wasn’t a bad idea, I was pretty sure I would be decent. I mean, I had to be better than his actual mother. I wasn’t sure about more though, I wasn’t sure I could even have more or be able to and then what if we split up after having more?! It terrified me but at the same time I felt…happy. Maybe even elated.

About ten thirty I had my list ready, I had myself ready and I was getting Joshua changed because it was too cold outside for him to just have the thin pajamas on. Inside he was fine, but not outside. So, I put a solid white onesie on, with a long sleeve thick shirt over that and black footed pants, I even put socks on. Once he was ready we got loaded and left. I got his lunch first and took it by, perfect timing for Joshua to eat there too.

“You got him all dressed up for a quick trip here?” Zac asked.

“I’m going to the store afterwards, going to stock up on things we need in general and go ahead and get what we need for the holiday. Which, is there anything specific I don’t need to fix?”

“Desserts. Mom has that covered and Taylor and Harper said they would bring the drinks and rolls, Isaac and his girlfriend may not be there but he’s letting me know.”

“Okay.”

I didn’t need to revise my list at all. We stayed there until he had another call and then I headed to the store. He reminded me to get formula, diapers, and wipes so I added those. I had originally planned to take his other car seat so he could sit in it and ride but after that girl followed us for Halloween I decided that the carrier was better and he’d probably sleep better against me than in the seat.

I got the items that were around the store first, like diapers, wipes, toilet paper and even the dish soap and laundry detergent. Joshua was awake for about twenty minutes, but when I got to the food aisle I glanced down and found he was asleep. Sleeping was better that screaming in my book. I moved to the grocery aisle and was aiming for the non-cold foods first. I was getting more cereal, deciding if the name brand was better and finding it was. I then got several cans of formula. Moved on to the more adult stuff. I was in the produce section looking at the different types of lettuce, trying to decide.

“You’re Cassandra, right?”

I turned and a few feet away stood Zac’s ex-girlfriend, Maddilyn. I knew it was her because really, I’d seen her pictures for weeks at the studio.

“Right, Maddilyn if I remember correctly.”

“Most call me Maddi.”

“Cassie for me.”

“That cannot be Joshua. He’s gotten so big.”

“He’s gotten heavier too. But, yeah it’s Joshua. He’ll be five months old soon.”

“I can’t believe he’s already nearly five months, feels like yesterday Zac was telling me he was here.”

“They do grow fast, it’s always amazing to see how fast.”

“I see. He was about two months last time?”

“Something like that, yeah. He’s already a world traveler going to South Africa.”

“Zac took him?”

“Yeah, we both went with him. He had to have someone to watch him when they were busy.”

She blinked and stared for several moments. “Oh, I didn’t know you went with him.”

“How is your boyfriend, is it Neil? I think that was the name Zac said.”

“That was his name yes, we aren’t together anymore actually. I guess like Zac he couldn’t wait.”

“I’m sorry, he seemed like a good guy.”

“Uh…Is Zac here with you?”

“No, he’s at the studio working on a new song for AIDS awareness, I can’t really say anything else.”

I did wonder why she was asking though.

“You must be shopping for him then, diapers and formula. Although, he doesn’t cook so I doubt he can do much with the other items.”

“He’s a pretty decent cook. He does breakfast and burgers very well. Actually, I’m stocking up for the next few weeks and holidays. He’s decided to host Thanksgiving.”

She tilted her head to the side. “He is?”

“Well, technically we are but it is his family that will be there. We are then going to Florida to see mine afterwards.”

“We? I’m confused, he lives alone with Joshua how could it be we?”

I adjusted Joshua just a bit and it was a way to fill time because I wasn’t sure Zac wanted her to know or anyone really. But, she was just waiting for an answer and I had already said too much.

“I live with Zac and Joshua. I moved in back at the end of August. It was easier to watch Joshua and since I traveled with them it was so he could get use to me being there more. When we got home it just remained.”

“You…live with him? You said you were just the sitter.”

“Maddilyn it’s not my place to tell you.”

“But you are here. Are you saying that you and Zac are now dating?”

“We are, yes. Um, it wasn’t like that when you saw me in August, I really was just his sitter at that point.”

“Well, I didn’t think he’d move that fast with anyone. He wouldn’t even live with me until we were married. I guess he finally took my picture off his desk?”

“It’s of Joshua now.”

I really felt uncomfortable being the person to tell her and I didn’t want to say that her photo had been replaced with me and Joshua, so just Joshua was better.

“I guess I shouldn’t expect that he’d wait forever. Does he still have my ring?”

“Your ring?”

“When I left I gave him back my engagement ring. I presume he took it back.”

“I don’t know really, he never mentioned it.”

I wasn’t even fully aware that Zac had that ring still and if he did what did that mean? He had told me she had given it back though, but what he done with it was a mystery to me. She nodded and I wasn’t stupid, she still loved him. I could see it in her eyes and read it in her expressions.

“I uh…saw some pictures of you from Halloween.”

“Oh?”

“Fans are everywhere, I didn’t really think that you were together though. I mean, I should have because his arm was around you and all.”

“There was a lady following us actually probably her, it was a fun night.”

“Even at home?”

Ah, there is was the proverbial fishing question as to how far our relationship went. I didn’t completely mind telling her that we were together but telling her we were indeed sleeping together was too much.

“You know that might be pushing it Maddilyn. I’m sorry that you couldn’t find out about us from Zac, but I imagine that is how he felt when he saw you with Neil the first time. I’ll let him know you said Hi but I should get going and get this done I have a lot to get and Joshua won’t sleep forever.”

I wasn’t even going to offer to let her see him more because really his head was being supported my breast and she didn’t need to be that close.

“I see. It was good seeing you, maybe we’ll see each other again someday.”

“Maybe.”

She got the bag of lettuce she apparently came here for and then walked away. I took a moment before I continued shopping and checked out. But that doubt was there because Zac spent four years of his life with her and he had told me there intimate side hadn’t progressed past oral sex, which kind of explained his skills there. But, ours was past that. It took a little extra time for check out and loading the car, she was in the parking lot and seemed astonished that I was in his truck.

When I got back Joshua went on the pallet until I could get things inside the house and somewhat in the right places. I then changed him and got him fed before putting him in the bouncer in the kitchen with me so I could put things up. He babbled to me the whole time, endless string of coos and noises and even kicks and movement. I went ahead and fixed dinner but knew Zac would probably be late but I sent him a message so he’d know it was here.

Curiosity though hit me right after dinner and while I’d never been a snoopy person I wanted to know. I knew where not to look for this elusive ring and there was a part of me that really hoped he had taken it back. But he hadn’t.

I found the diamond ring in the top drawer of the built ins in the closet, in the drawer he kept birth certificates and stuff. The box wasn’t that dusty either so it was clear he hadn’t put it here and forgot it. What exactly did that mean? He kept an engagement ring for her when they weren’t even together and even after he saw her with someone else. I left the ring where it was and just tried to forget it was there. He was with me now. I couldn’t expect him to simply forget about her all together.

Zac actually made it home about 7:30, which was early for him.

“Long day?”

“Too many conference calls.”

I heated up his dinner and he ate in the kitchen. He then sat with Joshua in the floor to play. Getting him to bounce on his legs and laugh. I considered telling him about seeing Maddilyn today, but I didn’t. I did feel like I was neglecting to tell him about her breaking up with Neil because of my insecurity in his feelings for her. But really, she hadn’t said anything about calling him or anything.

I felt him lean against my leg. “You okay? You’ve been awfully quiet since I got home.”

“It was a long day and I didn’t get much accomplished really.”

Fuck he was fast because I was sitting on the sofa but the next moment I was in his lap and then he was attacking the inner part of my thigh which was so fucking ticklish. Clearly Joshua didn’t mind, he laughed with me and he was just laying there watching.

“Mercy! I call mercy here!”

He smiled and went after my neck with those lips and I was pretty much subdued into being much less down and how could I feel anything else but loved with them both here? But while I was sure Joshua did love me in the ways that babies know, I wasn’t sure about Zac, not yet anyway.


	34. Baby Mama Drama

POV: Zac 

  

November 6, 2006

Cassie had been acting kind of strange since Saturday and I had a gut feeling it was because she saw Maddi at the store. She hadn’t mentioned that to me but Maddi had basically messages me the moment Cassandra had gotten in my truck without me. I hadn’t ever really let Maddi drive my vehicle because she wasn’t that great of a driver and well, Cassie’s car was not really safe. Taylor and I both agreed that she needed new tires so bad and I could hear rods knocking in the car. I was certain Calvin had neglected hers hoping it would break down.

I wasn’t sure why seeing Maddi would bring her mood down but it had and I’d tried all weekend to keep her mood up and happy and I was really glad she came in today with us because I wanted to make sure it wasn’t something else going on with her. We spent several hours just doing the e-mail and mail replies and then a conference call. We had less than a month before we would release Great Divide, which the song would be released the 28 th. 

We were ready to actually release Great Divide, we were just discussing concepts for the video which we wanted to use footage we had filmed in South Africa. So, we were discussing the ones we had and what we wanted, we broke for lunch and then returned to plotting the video. It was about 2:15 when Cassie came into the studio with Joshua who was crying pretty heavily. He had been running a slight fever all day Sunday.

“What’s wrong Cassie?” 

“Jessica left at one and you told me never to answer the front door unless I absolutely knew the person. There is some woman that I’ve never seen before beating on the door, she is screaming for Zac to answer the fucking door. She woke him up hitting the door. Can one of you please go see what the fuck she wants so I can get him laid down?” 

“She’s screaming for Zac?” Isaac asked.

“Yes. I can’t be certain but she said something about her son…I think it might be Megan but I am not answering that door.” 

“No, you shouldn’t and especially if it is her.” I said.

I got up and Taylor and Isaac looked concerned. “Zac?” Tay asked.

“I’ll be fine Taylor. Cassie I’d appreciate it if you kept him in here um..Taylor can you sit in here and please lock the door.” 

“You want me to lock us in here?” 

“Yes. In the event she gets past me and it really is Megan.” 

He nodded and went to try to help her calm him down. I didn’t even realize that Isaac followed me out until I reached the door.

“That’s definitely Megan.” He said.

I jumped slightly. “Damn dude, don’t do that. Why are you even here, she’s not wanting to see you.” 

He took a deep breath. “Witness Zac. If she is pissed off I don’t want her to file some false report on you. I will just be here to make sure nothing like that happens.” 

She was still screaming for me to open the fucking door. I finally opened it and Megan was standing there but there was some guy standing behind her.

“It’s about fucking time.” She said.

She was wearing very tight blue jeans, a red long sleeve tight shirt, clearly a push up bra and heels. She hadn’t yet lost all the baby weight, I could see the clothes were hiding most. He was dressed in mostly gothic get ups, pants too big, all black outfit. Greasy hair and all.

“What do you want Megan?” 

“You should already know the answer to that stupid ass question.” 

“Actually I don’t because the last time I saw you, you told me to get the fuck out of your life. I did that. So, why are you here?” 

“I want to see my son.”

“What son?” I asked.

“You fucking know what son I am talking about. I am talking about our son. The only son you have or have you been fucking that little fairy bitch you were with on Halloween?” 

“Well, first off whoever I am fucking is none of your concern, second you don’t have a son Megan. You signed your rights away and gave him up completely.” 

“She still carried him and has the scar to prove she had him.” He snapped.

“Exactly. He will know me.” 

“No he won’t Megan. You have no rights to see him, I don’t have to let you and really, you told me in the hospital when I tried to give you the option that he was not your fucking son, that you didn’t have children by bastards who can’t man up and come to you. I manned up and took responsibility for my son.” 

“I so fucking regret choosing you, common fucking sense I should have just sabotaged the condoms somehow. Only your prude of a fucking brother could be that anal about protection.” 

“I can’t say that I blame him, I really wish I had.” 

“You didn’t even know my name Zac, how you think you were going to remember the condom?”

“I would have remembered your name had you not given me something. I still don’t know what you gave me.” 

“Not like you can prove it, Ketamine was easy to get and had the effect I wanted. I mean, I tried to hit on you in May but you were focused on that bitch. Tried to get you to see me as more, but never did. You were the young dumb one and it worked. I just didn’t think you’d be such a bastard afterwards.” 

“What did you expect Megan? You ruined my life. Isaac doesn’t trust me, Maddilyn left me and you then didn’t bother to come to me and let me know your pregnancy wasn’t a lie. I had to find out by a friend who then told me you were doing drugs. What did you think I would do? Let you? You caused that. All you had to do was bring me proof Megan. I would have never been with you but I would have done what needed to be done.” 

“Bullshit. Now bring me my son.” 

I just stared at her, I knew from what I had been told that she had no legal right to see him and I was not under any obligation to let her see him. I did consider it for a moment because she was his mother but then I remembered what she said in the room, how she just referred to him as a bastard and even now all she said was son, like he wasn’t a person with a name. But then again, she didn’t know his name.

“No.”

“Zachary, don’t be an idiot here. She just wants to see him.”

“I told you when I walked out of that room with him crying that you needed to remember that moment. That when you changed your mind, that you should remember I tried. I tried to get you to see and make a better choice but you chose to file the papers anyway. I am not bringing him to see you.”

“Bring me my god damn son you fucking bastard!” She yelled.

The gothic guy moved to stand beside her and I was absolutely certain that was her boyfriend and I damn sure wasn’t letting Joshua anywhere near them. But when he moved forward Isaac stepped out from behind the door.

“I agree with Zac, I would not allow him to bring his son up here. He’s safe where he is.” He said.

“With the fucking fairy bitch? Yeah fucking right, she is not his mother and you didn’t bother to correct the lady that thought she was.”

“An old lady who doesn’t know us personally, wasn’t needed. But, she is more of a mother to him than you ever were. You need to leave now and it would be advised that you not come back.” 

“I’m not going anywhere until you bring me my son.” 

“Then you can stand here in the cold but I will advise Cassie if you even hint at hitting this door again, she will call the police. End of the story Megan. I have full custody and you have no rights, by the state of Oklahoma you don’t have a son.” 

I then closed the door and locked it. We didn’t move from the door yet though because it was probable she would hit the door again but while she was pissed she did leave. I turned to head to the back and Isaac caught my arm and I looked at him.

“I heard her say she gave you ketamine.” 

I shrugged. “I told you she drugged me Isaac, that it was the only explanation to cover how I felt and that I believed she was Maddilyn. You didn’t believe me.” 

“I was hurt Zac that you’d even slept with her. I wasn’t looking at little things, it was just you had.” 

“Trust me Isaac, I really wish I had sent her away. I wish that I had done anything but let her stay.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” 

“If you mean that sincerely you’ll be at my house Thanksgiving. I don’t want to steal your girlfriends, I don’t want to charm them into bed. I don’t need to, I didn’t need to with Megan. I had Maddilyn and I have Cassie now. Which I need to make sure Joshua has calmed down.” 

We headed to the back and we heard singing when we entered the room, turned out it was both Taylor and Cassie, Rock a Bye Baby. Classic lullaby. Taylor shushed us both before we could make noise of any kind and we waited. Joshua was nearly asleep. When he was actually asleep they looked up.

“You settle it?” Tay asked quietly.

“Yeah, it was Megan demanding to see him. Cass, do you remember what she looks like?”

“Yes.” 

“If you are ever out with him for any reason, she is not to touch him or hold him or even see him.” 

“I’d dare her to even try, you told me what she said about him. He is not a bastard.”

“No, he’s not. But, if she comes back to the door get us.” 

She nodded and she waited until he was good and asleep before she moved. 

“Is he warm?” 

“He does feel warm, when he wakes up I’ll check his temperature. I wouldn’t dare touch his head right now.”

I considered a kiss to his forehead but thought better and let her take him on to lay down. When I checked on them an hour later they were both in the chair, reclined back and asleep. Yep, added that picture to my collection as well. 

We finished up and before we left I made sure she wasn’t lurking around the truck or the area, but Joshua was definitely not feeling well so I had her make him an appointment as well.

**November 10, 2006**

Joshua had gotten sick but he was on the mend now. Cassie and I? Not so much. Apparently my son got super whiney and clingy when he didn’t feel good, I was wondering if he took anything from Megan?! So, he pretty much spent the last three days sleeping in our arms, we spent most of those three days not sleeping and taking turns. I really started to leave them both at home today, but Megan had come by Tuesday and had Taylor not been there I am pretty sure Cassandra would have jumped her. 

I had known Cassie for over four months and she was usually super chill and calm, but apparently waking him up when she spent three hours trying to get him to sleep was not something she took very lightly. Taylor had caught her at the end of the hallway, fifteen feet from the door. Although, a small part of me wanted him to not catch her.

Joshua was now five months old, he was clearly feeling a little better today as he was okay sitting in his bouncer as I cooked and as we had breakfast, the ride to the studio was pretty eventless too. He was still clingy to her though, so she just sat with me in the office. Taylor and Isaac both asked if he was alright which was an improvement for Isaac for sure! I left them in the office and we got busy but at 11:30 I got a text from Cassie that said I had to come to the front door.

“Fuck, if Megan is here again I swear I will call the police. I’ll be back.” 

I got up and went to the front but it was not Megan standing there with Cassie. It was a deputy Sheriff.

“Good morning officer, how can I help you?” 

“Are you Zachary Walker Hanson?” 

“Yes.” I said.

My mind reeled because I hadn’t done anything to warrant a sheriff to be asking who I was. But he asked for my license as proof and then handed me a letter, making sure I signed for it.

“Have a good day.” 

He then left and I was confused, who would serve me anything? 

“Where is Joshua?” 

“Asleep in the swing, it’s about the only thing he would tolerate besides me.” 

I opened the envelope, if there was a brick wall it must have been reinforced with a foot of concrete behind it, because that’s what it felt like when I saw the papers.

“Zac?” Cassie asked.

“She’s filing to have her rights reinstated.” 

“Megan is?” She asked.

I nearly just fell right there but Cassie got me at least to sit down on the available stool nearby. But it wasn’t helping much. I didn’t even think she could file to reinstate them and when Cassie took the paper I didn’t even bother to protest. It was, however, like she knew. She stepped closer and as she read the papers she’d guided me to lean against her.

“She’s only asking the court to reinstate, it doesn’t mean they will.” 

“But what if they do? I don’t want him anywhere near her.” 

I could feel her hand just calmly running from my temple back, soothing motions.

“She is his mother Zac, but she is saying that she was not in the frame of mind to file at the time and that she wasn’t aware of what she signed. From what you told me that’s a big lie, because she signed days before she was in the hospital and that meant she was free of drugs.”

I wanted to think that logically she couldn’t, but the numerous what if’s were clouding everything else. What if she got them reinstated and then filed for full custody? She had everything but finances on her side. If she proved she signed them without understanding then I was sure to lose him and I couldn’t imagine waking up every day without him there. I couldn’t let my son around that drug addicted bastard she called a boyfriend. 

“I can’t let her..” 

“Breathe Zac, just calm down.”

Her fingers kept running through my hair, softly. She didn’t care that my head seemed to be resting right between her breasts. But, then again she knew I liked that spot. She put the paper in her back pocket and it felt very nice to have her arms around me.

“What if she gets them back?” I asked.

Her grip tightened around me. “Then we will deal with that when it occurs, but truthfully, I don’t believe you have to worry about that. From what you’ve told me there is enough proof to assume that she would not be fit as his mother. Don’t worry Zac. You’ve more than proven that you can care for him.” 

“What if they do another inspection? Another lengthy ass process?” 

She moved me to face her and her lips felt warm and soft against mine. “I’ll be right here beside you, no matter how long it takes. They can inspect all they want, the house is clean and safe. If I have to put my things back into the front room, that’s fine too. I’ll help you get through it Zac, you aren’t alone this time.” 

Her eyes were soft and warm, she wasn’t lying to me. She would be here and I wasn’t alone this time, instead there would be someone that I could turn to and she wouldn’t just leave me to deal with everything. 

“Where were you hiding when I needed you?” 

Her lips pressed against my forehead. “I wasn’t needed then. Now, you have stuff to get done and all. I need to check on Joshua. It’ll be fine. The date on the paper is next month and we’ll see the lawyer Monday anyway, so we can talk to her then to see what we need to do.” 

Thank god for someone who can pause and think. I sat there another several minutes before feeling like I had gained my own ability to stand back. We both checked on Joshua who was still asleep, we both expected him to because of the medicine and all. She sat down and I went back to the studio.

“That took a while, was it Megan?” Taylor asked.

“No. It was the sheriff. She filed a petition to reinstate her parental rights. But, I can’t think about that right now so let’s get busy.” 

We spent the remainder of the day working on what had to be done and I tried to not worry about Megan getting rights to him, I had to believe she wouldn’t.


	35. Court Woes

POV: Cassandra 

  

November 13, 2006

I didn’t always understand Zac, sometimes his reasons or thought process was different daily. What I did understand was his concern about Megan gaining her rights back and him being forced to hand Joshua over to her. Her drug use when he was in her womb, during the delivery, and all was enough for me to personally not want her around. But, while I really wanted to focus on that I couldn’t, I had my own hearing today and Zac understood. 

We had both debated about taking Joshua with us to the courthouse, but ultimately we asked Taylor to come sit with him, it was cold outside now and there was no way to ensure the courthouse would be warm enough and since he had just gotten to feeling better, we didn’t want to risk him relapsing and getting sick again. Taylor was there at seven and had breakfast with us and then we headed to the courthouse.

We met Mrs. Fernbank at the front and she went over the process, which seemed easy. We had to wait with other couples though and I saw Calvin come in with his mother and another man I knew to be a lawyer they liked. She had told both of us to ignore whatever they said, whatever they implied, to just stay cool. 

It was her idea to sit down right across from us and she put herself right in front of me. She simply stared at me and it was what she had done the whole time I was with him. It was accusing, as if I had done something catastrophically wrong and I deserved whatever Calvin had done. She was always that way and right now her stare was super intense and I could feel the hatred. 

Calvin was acting as if his puppy had been shot in front of him. I really wanted to say something but instead I just sat there, staring at Zac’s hand on his leg, as much as I wanted to grab it she told us not to show any display that he was anything more than a friend and my boss, so holding his hand was out of the question. Apparently we weren’t on the top of the list and several couples went back.

I got up to go to the bathroom about eleven, god I wished they’d hurry. I sent Taylor a text to ask how Joshua was and he said he was fine but when I came out of the stall she was standing there.

“You have some nerve.” 

I walked to the sink, not knowing what she’d try I just wanted to wash my hands and get the hell out of here. I got them wet and was getting the soap.

“He loves you and you just leave? Unappreciative little bitch that you are. He told me about the birth control, denying him the right to a child is beyond wrong.” 

I bit my lower lip some to keep from replying and finished washing my hands. I then got the napkins to dry them.

“Come on Cassandra, what are you doing? You know he is the only one that will love you. Just stop being so bitchy and call this off.” 

I tossed the napkins and walked out, returned to my seat, and sat down where I was. 

“Are you okay?” Zac asked.

“Yes.” 

He watched her sit down and I just waited. I know damn well they took lunch and thankfully we were called back at one. We took our places but Zac sat behind us. The judge first looked through the files they had. Calvin had retorted with he didn’t feel like I was filing on my own, that he felt I was filing because someone had coerced me into it and he didn’t believe I wouldn’t ask for anything. The judge was a guy and he reviewed them.

“Mr. Parker, can you explain why you feel her not asking for anything is a problem?” 

“Certainly, your honor. I know my wife and she has no way to support herself without some form of help. She’s highly materialistic and I refuse to believe she would file without asking or seeking something.” 

“Is this also the reason for you believing she was coerced into filing?” 

“Yes. She has never expressed a desire to leave in the six years we’ve been together. She has loved me with everything and while we were experiencing some issues conceiving again after the loss of our first one, she never presented any signs of wanting to leave me.” 

He nodded and wrote something down, turned to me.

“Mrs. Parker can you explain why you don’t want any form of payments, no possessions, why are you willing to give everything up? His lawyer provided the last four years of taxes and the sole provider was Mr. Parker.”

“Your honor, I just want to be out of the marriage. I don’t want to cause problems and I am aware that he has paid for the house and the car, the one I left with technically belongs to my parents. I don’t need him to support me and if I have to, my parents always have a room available.” 

“Did you file on your own accord?” 

“Yes, sir.”

“Mrs. Fernbank can you confirm that?” 

“Yes, your honor. She filed with me and while her friend was with her, I got no indication that he was making her file or that anyone was. She explained her reasons, we chose the best option and filed.” 

“Mrs. Parker you indicated you left in May of this year, how have you supported yourself?”

“Prior to leaving I obtained a job at a gas station and in June Mr. Hanson hired me to be a babysitter. When I left the gas station I became his full time caregiver when he was working.”

He called for Zac and he got up, he was listed as a witness for me.

“Mr. Hanson can you provide the court with proof of that?” 

“Yes. Our agreement is that she watches my son during the times that I am recording or working. Usually afternoons. We agreed up front on a set amount each week and that she would be responsible for the taxes owed. Our arrangement was revised following a trip to South Africa because she became a live in nanny.” 

I was shocked that Zac had turned over papers but it was more than enough to support just me.

He called the lawyers into the back and it felt like they were back there forever! I was getting nervous, what if he didn’t grant the divorce? They came back and his lawyer didn’t look that happy. But they resumed their spots at the tables and him behind the bench.

“I have reviewed the papers that were filed as well as taken into account the testimony statements. It is my belief that Mrs. Parker’s wishes to not want any monetary or property is not grounds to deny this divorce. She is not seeking unreasonable amounts, if anything she is underestimating what she should receive.”

He folded his arms and looked between us both for several moments.

“It is my belief that Mrs. Parker was not coerced into filing for a divorce, I believe that she had plenty of time to consider it given her statement that she left in May of this year. I see no reason not to grant this divorce.”

“I object to this decision.” Calvin said.

“Mr. Parker you can object but it is clear that you did not try to save your marriage. She left in May and you didn’t bother to make amends. I am also not in favor of untrue statements. Your tax returns indicated that you worked full time and that you then worked part time at your family’s daycare center. Mr. Parker, my grandson goes to that daycare center and has for the past two years and not once have I seen you there. However, I have seen your soon to be ex-wife.”

That pretty much ended his objections right there. We got to finally leave at three and while we would have to wait for the final copies to be delivered it was all but done. Zac asked to speak to her alone following the case and she obliged us by finding a room that was private. 

“Congratulations Mrs. Parker.” 

“Thank you. I will let you two talk and I will call Taylor and check on him.”

Zac nodded and I stepped over to the far corner of the room and called Taylor.

“Hey Cass. Is everything okay?” 

“I was calling to ask you the same thing. We just got released and it was granted, Zac is speaking to Mrs. Fernbank now about Megan.” 

“We’re fine. He’s had his medicine and he’s basically sleeping, but he was awake for several hours and we played and talked. He’s doing well, I can tell he misses you and Zac though.”

“But it’s actually good for him to get use to not being with us all the time. I’m glad he’s doing well with you there.” 

“Me too. You guys can take your time if you wish, I’ll be here and Harper is still at work until like six.” 

“I’ll see what he wants to do.” 

He agreed and we hung up. I waited on Zac to come to me and then we headed outside.

“What did she say?” 

“She feels confident that she won’t get them back. She is going to pull the termination papers and make sure everything was done right. She’s confident it was.” 

“I told you not to worry. So, Taylor said we could take our time if we wanted.” 

“And what would we do?” 

“I was totally thinking food.” 

He laughed but he couldn’t tell me he wasn’t hungry too, but we ended up just getting pizza and heading home. Because it was a thank you for Taylor and really, we couldn’t flaunt yet. Joshua was happy to see us.

“So, you said it was granted?” Taylor asked.

“Calvin tried to claim I was coerced into filing and that he didn’t believe I’d want nothing. The judge disagreed and when he started to argue he may have implied he knew that Calvin didn’t work for his mom.” 

Taylor smiled. “Glad it went smoothly. When will it be official?” 

“Hopefully very soon.” Zac said.

I smiled but I did wonder about that, was he planning to move us a lot faster than he did with Maddilyn? I highly doubted his plan was to move that fast, I didn’t think I wanted to move that quickly. Sure, we already shared a bed and a house but there was a lot of things to work through. I needed to feel secure in this relationship and know that he was committed to me the way he was her. 

“And what about Megan?” 

“She feels like I don’t have to worry but I will. I mean she is his mom and if she can prove in any way that she didn’t sign willingly then there could be issues. I just don’t want him around her period.” 

He was currently holding him in his lap and Taylor looked at me and then him.

“I don’t think you have to worry Zac.”

“Let’s hope not.” 

We got down to eating and Joshua was watching us so I fixed him some cereal and he had a few bites which was normal really. He was trying to sit up by himself but he still needed support from someone or something. When we finished eating Taylor headed out and we just enjoyed the afternoon at home. I did call my parents to update them and inform them that hopefully before the end of the year I’d be divorced from Calvin and free from him. 

He handled Joshua all afternoon, feeding, changing, playing and somehow he talked me into a bath with him and Joshua which went quite well. It was a good thing to be splashed and be wet already. We knew the week would be busy and Isaac had a party planned for Saturday. 


	36. Birthday for Ike

POV: Cassandra 

  

November 17, 2006

I could definitely tell that Zac was worried about Megan and what could happen. He had always spent a lot of time with Joshua but he was doing more than normal, checking on him more often and making sure things at the house were set up the way they should be. 

I did move my things back to the guest room and even made an effort to make it feel like I truly did sleep in there, while I totally understood the reason it was doing nothing for my own feelings of doubt. The fact that he still wanted me in the bedroom with him was good though. They had been busy all week compiling the video footage to use and they were going to have someone come film them playing Monday for some extra shots. 

Zac had come to the door about the time Joshua went to sleep, so instead of us going with him to get lunch I just told him to bring me something back and Taylor went instead. I was doing what I promised and looking at available photography classes and what options were available. It was part of the deal to him cutting the pay that I went back to school, and it was something I wanted to do.

I heard the very light knock and looked at the door, only two options Jessica or Isaac and it was Isaac there.

“I was wondering if I’d see you today. Happy Birthday.” 

“Thank you. I um, came to talk to you.” 

“Okay.” 

Isaac and I had never really talked, I felt he hated me the most out of the entire family. Since I didn’t know the topic of our discussion and I didn’t want Joshua’s nap to be compromised, I got my stool and headed to the hallway. Where we both sat down, I pulled the door to but left it cracked just a bit so I could hear him.

“I don’t want to wake him up.” 

“No problem, I understand he gets super cranky if he doesn’t nap.” 

“Yeah, he can.”

“So, I was talking to Taylor the other day and he said that you felt like I didn’t like you or that I hated you. That you really felt that way about us all.” 

“Well, he didn’t lie to you. It’s what I told him when he came to talk to me also. I don’t think it’s quite hatred though, but really, you don’t give me the feeling that you like me that much, if at all. You and I haven’t really talked and you usually go through Zac when you don’t want me to be somewhere or do something.”

“Yeah, about what Taylor said to me when he said I needed to stop being an ass and quit holding onto things. I don’t hate you. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way, I just didn’t know what your intention was and on the coattails of Megan I guess I just assumed you’d be somewhat like her, and that you wouldn’t be around long if you felt like there was no chance of being with any of us.” 

“My intention when I came here in June was to just stay away from my ex husband and to make sure that Joshua was taken care of. It’s why I was here. To watch him so Zac could do what you guys needed to do. Zac did tell me about Megan and what happened, not like right off the bat but eventually.” 

“I didn’t believe that though Cass, I couldn’t really believe it because I just got stuck in how much she hurt me and how she affected everything.”

“It’s understandable Isaac, but you can’t assume that everyone will be like Megan.”

“Do you really feel like we ignore Joshua?” 

I took a deep breath and considered how badly I wanted to piss them off this close to a holiday. But he had asked!

“It’s not a feeling Isaac. I’m here all the time with him and no one ever came in. Don’t even try to use the we’re busy or you were watching him either, that’s not an excuse or a reason not to come in there. No one stops you from walking in there and talking to him, or offering to feed him or change a diaper. Even if you don’t want to do that you can always play with him, talk to him. Until Taylor and I talked he didn’t do that, now he does and the world hasn’t crashed and burned.” 

“Taylor’s reasons are different than mine Cassandra.” 

I looked at him. “Yeah, you wish that he was your son and that you and Megan were raising him like the perfect little family.” 

Yep, the widened eyes and shocked face said he didn’t think I’d know that! Or that I hadn’t considered that option.

“How did you…” 

“You sometimes stare at him with this longing expression, I didn’t at first understand why until Zac told me that Megan was your girlfriend and not his, it was apparent then. You wish Joshua was your son. You wish that you could have been there and that she’d be here. But, Isaac what makes you certain she would have done any differently with you?”

“She clearly loved me.” 

I snorted and then laughed. “She loved you? That’s bullshit Isaac and you know it. If she loved you then she would have never had sex with Zac. Think about what he told you Isaac. She chose the movie, a porn movie. She chose to put ketamine in his drink, she chose to come on to him. I’m not saying that Zac is innocent there, yes he should have never let her stay. He should have gotten up and left when the first scene came on. But, everyone of you act like he raped her or something.”

“Well, Mrs. I know everything. What was the point in her doing that?” 

I looked through the glass and pointed at Joshua. “She wanted a connection, a permanent reason to be associated with you. Zac told me everything Isaac, including that Megan told you he was yours. She lied to you, knowing Joshua wasn’t yours. She was fully prepared to trap you with a baby that wasn’t yours. Let me ask this, what would you have done if Zac kept his mouth shut? If he never told you or Maddi.” 

He blinked. “Well, I probably would have asked her to marry me, it would have been the right thing to do for me. I just didn’t ever think he was mine.” 

“That’s what Megan wanted Isaac. Think about it, you dumped her and she went straight to Zac. But because he wasn’t willing to leave Maddi on his own, she went and told her. I don’t know Maddi but I am inclined to believe she wouldn’t have been as pissed if Zac had been the one to tell her. When she saw Maddi leave, because she had to have been watching, she tried to swoop in. Megan thought Zac would just give up on Maddi and love her.” 

“But he didn’t.” 

“No, he didn’t. When she accepted the fact that Zac wasn’t going to come groveling to her and that he didn’t love her, she went after the one thing she could control. Him. She put his life in danger with drugs and alcohol. She didn’t care what happened to him Isaac, that alone should tell you what kind of person she is. He was and still is innocent in everything. He didn’t ask his mom to drug Zac, he didn’t make Zac have sex with her. He was created because Megan was selfish and wanted to say she married a Hanson. Yet, you all seem to act like he must be ignored because of some unknown reason.” 

“We didn’t mean to.” 

“I didn’t say you did but come on, he’s your nephew and your parent’s only grandchild right now. What should be a super happy time is just stressful. Zac’s worried that she will win because he can’t prove that what he said is true. He told her that he’d have his family as support and as soon as you guys were told, you shut him out. You put additional stress on him as a new parent with a newborn and custody and everything.”

The air between us grew thick and I knew that he was the most stubborn of them all. He looked into the room at Joshua asleep in the pack n play, another week or so and I would have to drop that down because he was getting really good at rolling over. 

“I feel like it’s too late. He’s now like five months old and it’s been a year. I feel like I’ve done too much to hurt Zac and it was because of a girl. I should have never allowed her to come between us. I keep wanting to tell Zac but I just…can’t.” 

“Tell him what?” I asked.

I failed to inform Isaac that Zac was standing behind him, he’d come in partly through his last sentence and instead of saying something he just kept quiet. Maybe, it’s what he needed to hear and what Isaac needed to say, but not necessarily when they were face to face.

“That despite the fact that I was mad, hurt, and felt Joshua should have been mine, I am very proud of him. Yes, I was pissed that he made all of those decisions without consulting us and nothing we did or said changed his mind. But ultimately his decisions were the right ones. They protected Joshua and he is a great father. He’s attentive, caring, he found the right babysitter for him and he stuck to those decisions. I can’t say I would have done the same things.”

“You’re proud of me?” 

I could detect the emotion in Zac’s voice and Isaac turned confused and unsure. “I didn’t know you were here. But, yes I am. Not many men your age would take the steps you have taken to make sure he’s happy. You’ve done everything you could to make sure he’s safe. I know that I haven’t been the best supporter or even brother at this point.”

I stepped quietly into the office and left them there to talk, it’s what they needed to do. Taylor stepped in and sat my lunch down.

“Are you being a fixer again?” 

“You started it, he came to me. But, I think they need to talk Taylor. It’s been a year and they need to begin to repair their relationship. Which will improve Isaac’s with Joshua and maybe if they are on the same page, your parents will be and Jess will be too.” 

“Fixer.” 

I shrugged, wasn’t my plan but I was glad it was happening. He went to his office so he could call Harper and when Isaac and Zac were done talking he came into the office.

“You saw me there, why didn’t you stop him?” 

He sat down in his chair and I smiled. “Because what he said is what you needed to hear. Everything okay?” 

“He’s going to come over Sunday and we can really talk about everything, but what is it with you and my brothers? Twice I’ve come back to find them in serious conversations.” 

I smiled and kissed him. “But the only Hanson I want is you. They came to me to talk, Taylor because he was curious and Isaac I think he just wanted to talk and look how they both ended.”

“Now if I can just get Jess and my parents…” 

“I’m no miracle worker, honey.” 

“Sure about that?” 

“Yes. Now eat your lunch so you can get busy.” 

He pulled me down into his lap. “Pretty sure your version of busy and mine are different.” 

“I’m sure they are. Not that I mind either scenario.” 

He leaned against my neck, soft kisses. “Only place here is the kitchen or the bathroom.” 

I glanced at Joshua and knew he had at least another hour on that nap but if they caught us here that wouldn’t be good. 

“Or you could get busy and we can get home early…” 

“I kind of like the way you think.” 

He got his lunch eaten and they got busy, I went back to searching for colleges, making a list of the ones available with the right program along with how, when, where, and how much each was. Joshua and I actually stepped outside a bit but not for long, fresh air and it was kind of chilly. Once they were done for the day we headed home and got settled. We had to gear up for the upcoming holiday so I wouldn’t go in next week with them, I’d prepare whatever I could and clean.


	37. Talking with Dad

POV: Zac 

  

November 26, 2006

Thanksgiving had gone very well. My parents and Jessica were somewhat on the mend with things but they had all been nice and supportive. It was nice to see my brothers interested in and interacting with my son, they had kept him active but it was clear that only Cassie could calm him down when he got too upset, which occurred because he didn’t get his nap. I had seen my mother smile when she was able to calm him, so maybe they were coming around. 

We had left Friday and driven straight through to get to her parent’s, we took turns driving and stopped frequently so Joshua could move. Often one of us sat with him to entertain and keep him company, while he was awake. We’d chosen to start our drive super late so he slept a lot of the drive. I got to meet her Aunt Rachel and Uncle David, they were staying with her parents as well and they were super sweet. 

They had been here until earlier today, her parents took them to the airport. Cassie fixed lunch for everyone and we sat down when they got back.

“Where is the sweet baby?” She asked.

“He’s napping Mom, he does have to do that.” 

“I figured, so…what is the deal with Calvin? You didn’t want to talk about that while your aunt and uncle were here.” 

“The divorce will be final by the fourth. Calvin tried to delay it by appealing but the judge said he had no reasons. He has technically filed but I am waiting for the official papers which the lawyer said the fourth.” 

“He didn’t fight you?” Dad asked.

“I filed wanting nothing from him. Not money, not property, nothing. I just wanted to get rid of him.”

Her dad smiled. “Well, that’s a plus. What about the two of you?” 

She looked at me. “We have made it official that we’re together, we did that late October. We just can’t announce it because of the divorce.” 

“Are you sure that’s not jumping to quickly?” Her mom asked.

Honestly, I questioned that myself because she didn’t seem to mind going right from that relationship to this one with no break or no time in between. She really only had the few months she was hotel hopping as a time of being ‘single’ despite she was still married.

“We’re not really rushing things, it’s just kind of happened. I don’t feel like it’s jumping too fast.”

“What about you? Do you feel like it’s too fast?” 

“Not really, I mean I didn’t at first know she was even married and I think I was kind of wondering about it before she told me.”

“You could have given the ink time to dry.” Her mom said.

Cassie laughed. “Well, it’s not like we have plans to get hitched next week Mom. So, the ink will be dry.” 

We laughed but I wondered about that still. After lunch her Dad not so subtly invited me to have a walk with him. Since Joshua was asleep I agreed and the two of us went for a walk around the neighborhood.

“You strike me as a smart man Zachary. Pretty sure my not so subtle invite didn’t escape you.” 

“It wasn’t super subtle but it’s okay. I rather expected this conversation.”

The corners of his mouth turned up a little bit and he nodded. 

“Not sure if you expecting this is good or bad.”

I shrugged some. “It could be both.”

We walked quietly for about half a block before he sighed. 

“Her mother and I never totally approved of Calvin. He was always excessively polite around us, opening doors for her, pulling out chairs, but he also had this subtle tone. He sounded nice, he acted nice, but I never liked him. But, I wanted my little girl to be happy and she was with him. We did express our concerns and our feelings to her but we never said she couldn’t see him.” 

“I can understand your reasons.” 

“Yes. When she came to us in 2004 she was pretty hurt. He’d tried to break her arm. He chose to not call us when she miscarried and he let his mother choose what happened. I don’t believe that you’d be like him, but I you understand why I have to ask.” 

“I do, Sir. My parents raised me to not hit women, no matter how pissed off or mad at one you are, hitting them is not appropriate. It’s not right. Joshua’s mom angered me to no end when she kept calling him a bastard, but as mad as I was I didn’t hit her. I walked away.” 

“It’s not just the abusive parts Zachary. Emotionally as well.” 

I let another quarter of a block pass, thought about how to answer him.

“When I met her I noticed that she was a bit careful around myself and my brothers, I didn’t understand why until she told me about Calvin. I don’t want to control her or make her do anything she doesn’t want. I want her to be happy and to follow her own dreams and not just mine.”

“She mentioned going back to school.” 

“Yeah, I told her we’d work it out and that I wouldn’t stop her from doing anything.”

We turned and headed back toward the house.

“I guess what I wanted to say is she’s my only baby, my little girl and I want her to be happy. I want her to have dreams and to move forward on them. I don’t totally agree that she was pretty much dating you before the divorce, but she does seem much happier with you. She looks healthier, she looks like she wants to be around people and interact. Don’t be another Calvin Zac, I don’t know that I can go to another hospital where she’s laying there. I don’t know that I can handle hearing her tell me she wants to die again.” 

“When did she say that?” 

“After the miscarriage, after he beat the hell out of her and broke her arm. She wanted out then but she wouldn’t leave him, and we tried. She did get her mom to get her the birth control, I assume she’s still taking it.” 

“I assume she is still. I never want to hear her say those words, and most definitely not because I did something.” 

Considering we’d had sex quite a few times the last few weeks, I was pretty sure she was. The fact that she’d wanted to die at one point was telling as to how much she’d healed the months before we met.

“It wasn’t a good feeling, that was for sure.”

“I can’t imagine hearing Joshua tell me that, how come you two never had more though? She never mentioned any siblings.” 

We were almost to the house before he took a breath.

“The pregnancy with her was super hard, Sheila had severe nausea, horrible headaches, she could barely eat anything. Cassie was actually due in September, middle of the month. But, Sheila went into pre-term labor and they couldn’t stop it, she didn’t spend much time in the hospital, three weeks. She was always strong. We were afraid for a few years to try, so her mom did birth control. When we decided for more she made sure she got checked out and all, Cassandra should be the oldest of four. After the third miscarriage we stopped. Cassie was three, five, and seven when we miscarried and didn’t really know what was going on. We explained it when she asked but she doesn’t really talk about it much. Her miscarriage hurt us more too, she was so happy when she found out. We fear that she’ll have the same fate.” 

“Maybe not, maybe it was destiny that they didn’t have children.”

“That is possible, we asked the doctor what the cause was and they never answered, told us we had no right to ask. She asked and they wouldn’t tell her.” 

“Wouldn’t she have the right to ask?” 

“Yes. But his mother said it was best she not know, I hate that woman so badly.” 

I smiled. “Well, maybe without Calvin she can find out if she wants to.” 

“Maybe. I’m not sure she wants to now. When she broke down at the daycare center we got her a therapist and she went to like two sessions and then stopped. We suspected it was Calvin that stopped her. We are glad she is doing so well with Joshua.” 

“Maybe working with babies did help, but I can’t imagine being her then though.” 

He smiled. “I kind of wish she met you then and not now.” 

I had the same thought but in 2004 I was with Maddilyn, would I have chosen to leave Maddilyn then? Would Joshua then be our son? I’d never even wondered what I would have done had I met her before. When we got back inside Joshua was crying in Cassie’s lap.

“Cass?” 

“He rolled over and hit his head on the table leg. I thought I had him far enough away. I think he may actually want you.” 

I took him from her and sat down beside her. He started to calm down and she got to check him.

“Not even a bruise.” 

“Probably scared him more.” Sheila said.

“Probably.” I said.

“So…can I expect more grandbabies in the future? One is good…two or three or four would be better.” She asked.

I was slightly confused but Cassie just laughed. “Mom! We haven’t even been together six months.”

More grandbabies? Did she consider Joshua her grandson already?! Wait…more?! Was she expecting us to have a baby?! I was kind of shocked, I was 21 and hadn’t even planned on having one, yet she’s talking more? What drew me from the thoughts was Joshua’s babbling, it kind of sounded like he was trying to tell me he protested that idea. She moved the pallet out into the floor and I laid him back down and we played there. It got me out of answering that question. 

It got me to thinking about it actually, I hadn’t considered that far ahead. But here, I could see her baby pictures, would they look like her? Like me? Some perfect mixture? Joshua was up on his knees and hands rocking when I looked down.

“Dude, give me another month please?” 

Cassie laughed. “He’s been doing that for a bit, just not that far up and give you another month? I’ll take two!” 

Her parents laughed. “Cass, dear, you were crawling at five and walking by eight months. Be glad he gave you almost six.” 

“Oh dear.” 

“Is he sitting up good?” 

“He is sitting up alone, but he isn’t real steady yet.” I said.

“Solids yet?” 

“Cereal for now, when we get back home I plan to try green beans. I wanted him to be sitting some so I can get him use to the high chair.” Cassie said.

They smiled. “Well, what are your plans for tomorrow?” he asked.

“Just hanging out here.” 

“How about we keep him and you and Zac go do something? Dinner, a movie or something. I know you two don’t get a lot of alone time.” Sheila said.

“Are you sure Mom? We’re here to see you two. It’s not often we get to.” 

“Well, your father and I have been talking. We love it here but it’s not home. You are so far away and we both feel like had we been closer you would have come to us when you left him. We are considering moving back to Oklahoma.” She said.

“Moving back?” 

“Yes. We don’t really want the city but I think we may look closer to Tulsa or somewhere in between the two. It’s not set in stone and we love it here but we’re so far from family.” 

“That would be nice to have you closer at least, we could visit more.” I said.

“Exactly. We’d get to see little man more too.” 

Again, referencing my son as if he was Cassie’s son. I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about it. But, we’d see where things went. Surely them moving back wasn’t going to be a quick process. The afternoon was spent here at the house just lounging, talking, and letting Joshua play. Watching them throughout the afternoon did clearly show me they were treating him like he was their own grandson, they were treating him like I wish my parents did. 

Dinner was low key and Joshua did get some more cereal than she normally fixed. He was also staring at her as she ate. Her mom tried to sway her into giving him mashed potatoes but Cassie refused, they were too thick for him and had too much butter and salt. I did feel comfortable leaving him here with them and was looking forward to just one on one time with her. 

We went to bed rather late, having watched a movie with them first. I was asleep long before Cassie was.


	38. Beach Talks

POV: Zac

  

November 27, 2006

It was unusual to not be woken up at the crack of dawn but here they usually got Joshua when he woke up. It was so weird to have that extra few hours of sleep. We both got up about 9:30 and after fixing a quick breakfast of cereal we joined them in the living area, Cassie eyed the box in the floor.

“Mom? Why do you have them out?” 

“I figured you’d want to show Zac.” 

“Show me what?” I asked.

“Nothing, nothing at all.” 

“Now Cass dear, come on. I am sure you’ve seen his baby pictures by now.” 

“Actually Mom, I haven’t. Let’s not be fir…” 

It was too late as her Mom had sat the first album in my lap open and clearly Cassie knew she was born early because these were ones of her in the neonatal unit, the fully enclosed beds. Cassie just sighed and sat down in the floor with Joshua.

I don’t know what she worried about, so what she was tiny when she was born. The ones of her after being released were typical baby photos. Her mom was so nice to explain each one that seemed odd. 

“Apparently you were the selfie queen before there was a thing.” 

She just cut her eyes at me. “I am sure your mother has worse.”

“Yeah, but they are all put up at her house.” 

She just smiled at me. “All I got to do is ask nicely. Secret project for Christmas and I am sure someone would bring them to me.” 

I wanted to argue with that but truthfully, Taylor would do it. Her mom went through albums showing me pictures of her as she got older, she really had the brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen. Haloed by blonde hair until she got a little older and then it began to turn to the strawberry brown it was now. 

She had Joshua standing up and bouncing and he was laughing at her. She was just so good with him and supportive, she didn’t care if I needed to just vent and then cry, she’d been there to let me. Assured me I’d be fine and that Megan wouldn’t take him from me. 

“Oh my god! The flour picture.” Sheila said.

Her dad laughed. “I remember that so well.” 

“Dear god, Joshua hide me!” 

The picture in question showed her five year old smiling bright blue eyed self standing in the kitchen that was just white from the flour. 

“We’d had her in the kitchen the night before helping make cookies, she took the notion to make them for breakfast and dropped the flour near the fan. It was everywhere, I was cleaning up flour two weeks later.” 

“I bet. I’m going to make sure he can’t reach the flour in five years.” 

She laughed. “If I remember correctly I climbed the cabinets to get the flour.” 

“You did. Used the damn drawers as steps, right up to the counter and then got the flour from the top shelf.” He said.

“But, speaking of food, your son would like his bottle.” 

I took a break from the albums and got his lunch ready and even got to feed him. She sat beside me and went through some. The camera loved her as much as she loved it. The ones with people she hung out with were somewhat telling, she really seemed close to them. It was easy to see when she met Calvin, there were pictures of them and while she looked happy, it wasn’t the happy she had been before.

She finally closed them.

“Do you have pictures from your wedding to Calvin?” 

Her dad snorted and her mom shook her head. 

“No. We did the court house and didn’t take any.”

“Oh…”

“Well, if you two are going to head out for a while, during his nap is a good time. Visit the city, see the places, get some grub and all.” 

“I need to change and shower anyway.” She said.

I didn’t think she needed to, but she didn’t say much else but got up and walked out of the room. Had I said something wrong?

“I’m sorry. We just…” She started.

“We didn’t get to be there because he told her that was better, despite our offering to pay for a wedding.” 

“I didn’t mean..” 

“It’s okay, you didn’t know and it’s fine.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind watching him?” 

“Positive, she has mentioned that your family is not quite on board with you having a son and that they don’t really take him.” 

“My brother has once but he screamed all night, he’s watched him a few times so we can get lunch or something.” 

“That’s good, maybe they are coming around again.” 

“Maybe.”

“We have your number and if anything happens we will call. But, enjoy some time without him.” He said.

“Thank you.” 

“Now go get yourself ready.” 

I didn’t argue and went and changed from the sleep pants and t-shirt into something more appropriate. She was drying off as I left the room, having chosen kacki shorts and loose blue button up shirt with a white t-shirt under it. She came out of the bedroom wearing white sandals, a champagne colored skirt that was a little higher in the front and longer in the back, a brown belt with a little gold chain and a blue and white striped sleeveless button up shirt. Her hair was down and she’d left the makeup off.

“He gets cereal with dinner, just a little and no table food yet Mom. I don’t want to sit in the ER all night because you gave him potatoes and he’s allergic.” 

“Ruin all my fun.” She said.

“Mom.” 

“Alright! Cereal it is. I will resist the urge to feed him potatoes.” 

We headed out shortly before three. Drove around the town and even picked up a few souvenirs. It was rather nice to just be able to walk around and explore. We had dinner about five at her choice, some seafood place that ended up being super awesome, the lobster was cooked so well. She’d actually ordered oysters and I even tried one. We did make it back to her parent’s pretty early, but since Joshua was happy and playing with them we headed out for a walk, she brought a sheet with her and I figured she had a place in mind, I didn’t it was just nice being able to walk with her. I found her hand fairly quickly though, 

“I got the feeling your wedding to Calvin is a sore subject.” 

She took a deep breath. “I was an idiot and listened to him. Your parent’s reactions to you accepting Joshua was not as bad as their reaction to me getting married without them.”

“Is that the wedding you wanted?” 

“No. Come on I was 18 and I wanted this super huge wedding with everyone there. I was the idiot that listened to Calvin. We’d do the court step deal, then do the big one. Never happened.” 

“Apparently Maddilyn already had the dress picked out, she was part of Harper’s wedding and when they picked out bridesmaids dresses she found hers. I don’t think she’d bought it yet though.” 

“I had the dress picked out, never bought it. Is music all you wanted to do? Was there anything else?” 

I may have been born blonde but I knew those last two questions were subject diversions, so I listened.

“I love music and it is basically all I want to do. However, I like to draw and do art stuff, the side songs like the turning 21 song.”

“Which you haven’t let me hear yet.” 

“When we get home remind me, I’ll sing in.”

“Did you not want to go out and get drunk or anything?”

“Not really, come on, my birthday was perfect as it was. I didn’t need to get drunk. Did you?” 

“I’d rather not talk about my 21 st birthday. It wasn’t that pleasant but I didn’t get drunk. Calvin didn’t really like when I drank.” 

“I know you like photography, was there anything else you wanted to do?” 

“I considered being a model when I was like fourteen, but then I found I liked being behind the lens more than I did in front of it.”

“Hey, model would be a good career choice.” 

She turned us down a road and we kept on walking.

“I just like taking them more and I don’t have to care if I gain a pound or four.”

We made a few more turns before we were walking near the dock and then behind a park of some kind and then we were on a little sandy spot beside the lake where she tossed the sheet out and sat down, I took my spot beside her.

“How did you know about this place?” 

“I’ve been to the water park back there, this is the dock for them.” 

It got quiet and it was a serene place just sitting here, yet I felt her hand on my upper thigh and I looked over at her.

“Isn’t this a little open?” 

Her lips against mine tasted and felt the same though, evidently the openness didn’t bother her. That became extremely clear when her hand moved from my thigh to my crotch and she kept on with these kisses and even as they moved down to my neck. 

“You know…we do have a room there.” 

She nipped my ear. “Nothing wrong with right here either.” 

“And if we’re caught?” 

She answered by popping the button on my shorts and undoing the zipper. At that point I was a lost cause to deny that I didn’t want to, even more so when her hand found its way inside my underwear too. 

“So….evil…” 

I eventually moved her into my lap, it moved her hand but that was okay for the moment. I took the chance to kiss her neck, undo those buttons of the shirt and move down, she’d worn a white bra and I just slipped the cups down, less to fix if we did get caught. Yet, when my hand ran across her ass I didn’t feel any lines and I was certain she had panties on earlier. But, sure enough when they were under the fabric, there was no panties.

“Surprise?” I asked.

“I took them off at the house before we left.” 

“Why do I get the feeling this was a major set up?” 

She just smiled and kissed me. “Maybe it was.” 

I thought I would need to do something to prepare her, but my fingers found her to be very wet already, I guess oysters were aphrodisiacs! From there it took very little maneuvering to get my shorts out of the way and lower her down onto me. Fuck she always felt so great and the dress was a good thing to hide what was really going on.

“Fuck.” 

She giggle and then there was a nip at my neck. “We are.”

I hadn’t known the big deal until her, hadn’t know that it didn’t have to feel wrong afterwards or feel bad. Being out in the open seemed to just enhance the feeling, the forbidden level making it feel that much better. I sat up for a while but eventually she pushed me back. It was different, but sex outside was thrilling. Even if most sounds had to be quieter or in her case just muffled by my neck. 

I left her right here on my chest, feeling her breathe against me, feeling the warm air circle my neck and while I really wanted to say the words I wasn’t entirely sure. But as her breathing evened out I kissed her neck.

“Baby, we should get back to the house before you fall asleep.” 

“Do I have to?” 

“Yes. I would imagine Joshua is asleep already.” 

“Probably.” 

She sat up carefully and I watched her fix her bra and shirt, with the backdrop of the sky and the stars I could say that she truly was gorgeous. While I wasn’t quite ready to voice my own feelings about her I could tell they were strong, I was finding it hard to imagine waking up and facing life without her. Once she was adjusted she moved back and helped me, then we headed back to the house. The walk just made us both more tired. Sure enough, Joshua was asleep when we got back and her parents were already in bed as well, so we quietly got ready and went to bed. 

Cassie was asleep not long after her head hit the pillow but I laid here and watched them both sleep. I was hoping that the lawyer could give us good news and that a judge wouldn’t be stupid enough to give Megan’s rights back. She hadn’t wanted him when he was born, why could she want him now? My theory was because she saw that I did have help, that I could do this without her. Joshua had a caregiver, someone who loved him and protected him like I would. Neither he nor I needed Megan. 


	39. Court Drama

POV: Zac / Cassandra

  

December 4, 2006

Our trip home from Florida had been uneventful and waiting in my box were her divorce papers. Cassandra was officially divorced from Calvin. She had elected not to change her name back to Morgan because it would be a hassle to do right here during the holidays. 

Yet, I dreaded today so much because we had to be at the courthouse early, unlike her divorce hearing though I had a nine am court time and while I really wanted to leave her and Joshua at the house, Mrs. Fernbank said it was important I bring him at least, in case things went her way and it showed that I wasn’t intentionally holding him from her. 

I was awake and had both myself and Joshua ready before I got her up, she had showered the night before so she just got dressed and we headed to the courthouse. She brought his stroller so she didn’t have to just hold him the whole time. We were on time and I requested that while I wanted her right behind me, that she sit in the very back with him and that no one could take him but me and her. 

We were promptly called at nine and took our places, a quick glance said Cassie was sitting in the very last row, in the corner with his stroller blocking them in. Megan’s lawyer was a middle aged black man with a goatee and bald head. He wore an impressive suit and looked expensive. The judge came in and everyone was sworn in.

“I understand we are here to examine the issue of reestablishing parental rights? Whose rights are we reinstating the father’s?” 

“No, Your honor. We are here to reestablish the mother’s.” Her lawyer said.

The judge seemed quite shocked that it wasn’t my rights we were trying to get back but hers. She then reviewed whatever papers she had in front of her and looked at us both and then reviewed more papers.

“Mrs. Rosen, is there a reason why you signed over your rights?” 

“My client was locked away in a rehab facility for over five months, she was constantly told she needed to give up her baby for adoption and think about him. She had chosen adoption and had the papers prepared when Mr. Hanson filed for full custody. She felt like she had no other options left and knew she could not fight him in court.” 

“Your claim says that she was coerced into giving up her rights, is your client aware that she would have had to do the same for adoption?” 

“Yes, your honor, she was prepared to do that.” 

“Your honor it sounds like she just didn’t want my client having custody.” Mrs. Fernbank said.

The judge eyed her for a moment and her attention went back to Megan.

“Why are you asking for reinstatement of rights now?” 

I expected the lawyer to speak for her but it was Megan’s voice I heard.

“I regret signing the papers and, while I understand that under adoption I would not have any options to reinstate, the father of my child has custody. I wish that I had not signed and that I had fought him months ago instead of just giving up.” 

I held my tongue because I tried to give her that chance. The judge nodded and then turned to me.

“The papers indicate that your client, Mr. Hanson, is responsible for having Mrs. Rosen put into rehab, was there a reason why?”

“Yes, your honor. My client was informed in January that Ms. Rosen was partaking in illegal drug use. Specifically, cocaine. He came to me and before we filed we established through multiple individuals that she was in fact taking drugs knowing she was pregnant. The individual even stated that she asked and she said she didn’t care because she wouldn’t be dealing with the child, her exact statement according to the friend is included with the papers as there were some choice words. My client filed so that his baby wouldn’t be born addicted to cocaine or with physical or mental development problems associated with the usage.” 

Her brow raised and she looked down at the papers, which included Reed’s statements on what her words were, even other witnesses were there.

“Your honor I object to these statements as any grounds. The baby’s father had told her to leave and that he never wanted to see her again, she was upset and worried about what to do. By this point abortion was not an option so she had no choice. Her statements are a product of anger and fear, not her true feelings.” 

“And in those very same papers are the notes from the rehab facility where they had to force her to routine doctor’s appointments.” Mrs. Fernbank said.

The judge took another several minutes to review paperwork.

“Mr. Hanson this says that you sought full custody initially, but you were open to her involvement in the child’s life? What changed?” 

“Nothing changed your honor, I was willing to do visitation until she proved she was free of drugs but when he was born she had already signed the papers giving up rights, at that point I asked that they be amended.”

“I’d like to add that her initial lawyer in this process informed me that she wanted to give up custody much sooner, but he refused to let her sign until her options were fully considered.” Mrs. Fernbank said.

“Ms. Rosen is that true?” 

“Again your honor, my client was being held in a rehab facility against her will, via an injunction filed by a man that abandoned her when she told him she was pregnant, she was unsure of how she felt about her own life, let alone the pregnancy. You should understand that pregnancy is a scary thing.” 

The judge had a true poker face, she didn’t seem affected by anything either of us said! She consulted the papers in front of her and then looked at her.

“Why do you want your parental rights to be reestablished?” 

“I would like to see my son, I tried addressing his father before and he refused to allow me to even see him. I realized that my choice hurt myself and my family whom have no rights to see him either. I would like for him to have his mother.” 

She nodded. “I’m going to call a quick recess and review the papers. We will reconvene in one hour.”

What could she possibly need to review?! Mrs. Fernbank and I walked back to Cassie who had Joshua sitting up supported by blankets playing with one of his toys. Megan and her lawyer did not stay in the room, nor did I presume her family.

“She can’t be seriously believing that bullshit can she?” Cassie asked.

“It’s unclear at the moment. But, we will file whatever we have to.” She replied.

I swear it felt like the longest hour of my life, but Cassie’s hand had mine and she’d held it tightly.

“It’s going to be okay Zac, I believe the judge will make the right choice.” 

I laid my head over and since her divorce was final this was allowed now and I really needed this comforting feeling. When court was called back we returned to the front.

**-Cassandra-**

I felt as bad as Zac did because while I wasn’t there to witness her words in person, Zac had and her calling him names was just so uncalled for. Yet, she was standing there acting like she cared about Joshua? It was bullshit and the judge should know it.

Joshua was just babbling away at his toy but I could smell it, that sign of a poopy diaper, the smell. I got the diaper bag and picked him up, making sure he was covered even now and headed to the bathroom. Zac would know I wasn’t far if he saw the stroller still there. He was content laying on the changing table and I got the pants off, onesie undone and the dirty diaper off and even got him clean. All the while be babbled and cooed at me. I got the clean diaper under him, powered and was fixing the clothes, getting the onesie snapped.

“Mama.” 

For a moment I thought there was another kid in here but when I turned there was no one else in the bathroom. Yet, I could still hear it, mama, and I finally realized it was Joshua saying it. It didn’t quite sound clear, but it was clear enough to me.

He’d just called me Mama and the emotional side of that sent me reeling for several minutes. Before I was able to finish redressing him and getting things gathered. I then picked him up.

“I’m not sure if your dada wants me to be your mama.”

“Mama..”

I didn’t know where he’d learned it because I always said dada to him but never mama and I hadn’t heard Zac saying it either, but knowing my parents it was them. I returned to the courtroom and resumed my seat, I sat Joshua facing me in my lap and kept him company. But, I could hear what was being said. Each side was arguing over something.

“This is my courtroom and I have already stated what will happen! Inspections for the homes and I want to hear from these individuals before I make my final decision. I am fully aware that the holiday’s are around the corner but your client should have considered this, reinstatement of rights because she suddenly wants to be a part of the child’s life is not grounds to compromise the child’s wellbeing. Until I have determined the nature and safety of the child, then the current situation will apply. The child will remain in the full custody of the father. The next court date is January 8, 2007 at nine am. I want witnesses here in this room at that time. Court is dismissed.” 

I remained sitting here with Joshua covered until Megan had cleared the end of the aisle and then I met them. Zac looked beyond stressed.

“What did I miss? I took him to be changed.” 

“She is actually considering giving her rights back.” Zac said.

“No. She can’t.” 

“We have to bring in witnesses to her behavior and basically prove she’s not fit to be a parent. I don’t see how doing drugs during the pregnancy isn’t a good enough reason.” He said.

Unprovoked, Joshua just said mama and they both looked at me.

“Did he just say mama?” She asked.

“Yes. I honestly don’t know where he got it from.” 

“You’re mom. I heard her a few times, I think she was trying to give me subtle little hints.” 

“Cassie right?” 

“Yes.” I said.

“How long have you been his sitter?” 

“Uh, he was just over a month old, I watched him for the July 1 st show and then became a more permanent sitter the 13 th. Start of August I was more fulltime and after the end of August I was basically the live-in nanny.” 

She smiled. “I may have you testify if needed.” 

“Fine with me.”

Joshua just kept babbling mama at me, like it was his new favorite thing to say. Zac tried to convince him dada was better though. When I heard screaming I turned and apparently Megan had heard him. She was screaming that I wasn’t his mother but we ignored her and left. 

“So, same inspection?” He asked.

“Pretty much, same basic rules as the first one and she already has you down for next week on the 13 th, she wants them done sooner versus later.” 

“I’ll make sure everything is fixed. What about Christmas stuff?” He asked.

“They’re fine but make sure nothing he can reach will produce glass or shards. My advice, put your glass ornaments on the top and anything soft or non-breakable on the bottom.” 

“Ok.” 

He had started putting Christmas decorations up when we got home, the tree had been put up before we left. We went by the store on the way home to buy ornaments that weren’t breakable, clearly Zac didn’t play when it came to safety. I kept saying Dada to him, trying to coerce him into changing because while Zac didn’t seem to mind I wasn’t sure where we were headed. I knew what I felt for him was different than with Calvin, it felt stronger and much more real. But, I wasn’t ready to say it. Joshua held us together, what if he lost him? Would we still be together without him here all the time?

He got odds and ends while we were there and I picked up a bottle of aspirin.

“Head hurting?” 

“Yeah, not bad though and it could be lack of sleep.” 

“Are you implying that I need to let you sleep tonight?” 

“It might be helpful. No idea how you do it.” 

He kissed my temple. “Use to it for tours and stuff, sleep is for the birds.”

When we got home I laid Joshua down with me to nap, while he put up stuff. By the time we both woke up he had food made, tree redecorated with all safe items, and the glass bulbs now lined the walls on garland. He really did go all out and I blinked because he had items already wrapped up under the tree with my name on the tag and Joshua’s. 

“When have you had time to shop?” 

He only smiled and I was stuck with what to get him, video games? Books? New systems? But none of that felt personal enough for me. 

“When are you taking his Christmas set?” 

“I’m doing his the 10 th, six months plus Christmas. You will be required there as well, so clear the schedule. Saphira said if we wanted group shots she’d take them for us.” 

“I think we should call her up, may as well do them the same day. Didn’t Clayton ask you to do Christmas ones for them?” 

“Yep. Theirs is the 8 th, they are both off and Joshua goes with me. They’re doing them at the house and I have borrowed some large cloths from the studio, a black one and a red one.”

The afternoon was spent with me making plans for that photo session with them along with ours, including what he wanted Joshua to wear for them and just enjoying the time together. It would be a crazy week and next week would be too, because of them closing the studio. So we took the downtime. I laid down rather early because the headache had come back and he agreed, maybe sleep was what I needed more. 

  


	40. Broken

POV: Cassandra 

  

December 13, 2006

I had gotten up at a ridiculously early time to make sure the inspection would go perfectly. I had made the front bedroom look as if I slept in there and that was my room. I made sure Joshua’s room was clean and that things were put where they should be, I’d cleaned the bathrooms and made sure they were clean and then I’d done the entire downstairs. Cleaning everything from the corners of the room, to the baseboards and under the tables. The wires were hidden, the tree was clean, presents were in the right places, and everything in the kitchen was in date, especially his formula. Only one can was out and it was in the back of the cabinet. After Joshua and Zac got up I cleaned up the bedroom and then the kitchen after breakfast.

The inspector arrived at 7:55 and he was methodical. It was just before eleven when he left and of course he didn’t say anything to us about how it went! Zac fixed us a quick lunch and we were just finishing up when the doorbell rang.

“Expecting anyone?” he asked.

“No. Clayton is picking up the edited photos Friday from the studio.”

We had taken ours Sunday too and I was still editing them but they were turning out to be very awesome pictures. Zac had chosen our outfits, going with black pants for everyone and then Joshua had a button up long sleeve that was mostly white but had red and black flannel looks and a red vest. He’s chosen a white blouse for me that had red snowflakes around the collar and he’s gone with a shirt that matched Joshua’s.

He got up and went to the front door to answer, thinking maybe it was the lawyer. He was finished with lunch so I finished as well and took the plates to the kitchen. I heard him talking but wasn’t sure who it was until I walked back into the living room. He was standing there and Maddilyn was beside him.

“Oh…I didn’t know you were home.” 

“Yeah, I am. Hi.” 

Joshua whined from his spot on the floor and I picked him up. 

“I can come back Zac, it’s okay.” She said.

“No. Um…Cassie do you mind feeding him upstairs? He can lay in the crib for his nap. She just wanted to talk.” 

As much as I did mind I didn’t voice that. “Sure. May lay down with him actually, I think I woke up way too early.” 

I went to the kitchen and could hear her commenting on the decorations and tree. But I fixed his bottle and took him upstairs. I could almost feel it, she hadn’t been around in months and I could see it back at the store. She still loved him. She wished that Joshua was her son and she was the one here and not me. He still had her engagement ring so somewhere in his mind he had held out hope that she would come back.

Was this her coming back?

He had taken her picture down and replaced it, but he hadn’t done that until after we came back from South Africa. I fought back the tears as he ate peacefully. Once he finished the bottle I got a good burp and then laid him down to change the diaper. He again started the mama babbles and god that hurt, because if Zac went back to her there was no way she would allow me to stay. 

I laid him down in the crib and went to take the bottle to the kitchen but I stopped on the stairs because I heard her voice.

“I know I was very selfish and upset, but I was hurting Zac and I didn’t know how to handle those feelings. I was pissed off that you were giving everything to Megan. I felt like she was just ripping everything from me.”

There was a sniff and a pause. 

“I told you time would ease the pain and it has, being with Neil just made me miss you. Miss our long talks, the little dates, even the other stuff.”

“You did say that but…” 

“I’m still waiting for you. I understand Megan was a onetime thing Zac and as much as I wish it hadn’t happened, she did drug you and I can’t blame you. I just…I want to go back to being us. I want to be there when Joshua crawls and walks, I’ve missed a lot and I know that but I still love you. I should have accepted Joshua as our son, he should have been our son.” 

“It’s weird that I told you forgiveness and you coming back was what I wanted, I held out hope.” 

I just kind of sat down here in the stairwell, it was what he wanted. What he’d always wanted.

“I know and so did I, I um…I bought the dress Zac.” 

“The dress?” he asked.

“The one I chose when I was there with Harper. I had already bought the dress, I should have taken it back but I just couldn’t until I was absolutely sure. I love you Zachary. I want us to be together and to raise Joshua like he is our son. I want him to call me Mom and to just be there. I want to give you my virginity like I wanted to the whole time we were together. I may not be able to have yours but I want to have more than just that. I focused on all these nitpicky things that Megan got and the one I lost focus on was that I always had your heart and she never did.”

I was fighting back the tears and trying not to make any noise as I heard her words. I wasn’t stupid, Zac held onto her engagement ring because he still loved her. He’d left her picture on his desk forever because he was holding out hope for her and it wasn’t until he felt like I would be there that he moved it. I couldn’t compete with Maddilyn! She was offering him her virginity still, a chance to be with someone that he’d known for so long already. She didn’t have an ex-husband or an abusive past. 

Added, she’d kept her wedding dress?! She’d bought the damn thing and kept it? Even though she called the engagement off and returned the ring, she’d kept the dress.

“I tried to tell you Maddilyn that she meant nothing to me, you just wouldn’t listen to me. You just focused on the fact we had sex and I told you I thought it was you. If I hadn’t been drugged then I wouldn’t have gone that far with her.” 

I could feel my hands shaking and I could hear Joshua so I got up and headed back upstairs. I couldn’t hear him telling her how happy he was she was back, or how much he wanted her to be here. I just couldn’t hear those words just yet. I just couldn’t hear him telling me he was going back to her.

My hands were shaking so badly and my head was pounding as well. Joshua was still awake, laying in the crib babbling. I’d let myself fall so far, so deep, so fast. I’d gotten attached to Joshua and now it would all be gone. I guess I would end up with my parents after all because when he had me leave I wouldn’t have a choice.

I picked him up but he must have sensed that I was upset so I made more of an effort to try to fake being fine. I laid him down in the center of the bed and laid down with him and that worked great for him, he rolled over so he was against me and then he drifted off to sleep. I felt like this was one of the last few times that I’d be here and then I’d have to go. I tried not to cry but I couldn’t really help it. It did nothing for the pounding headache and eventually I cried myself to sleep.

What woke me up was soft fingers running across my cheek and as I began to wake up I could feel him right up against me. His arm over my shoulder wiping my face off.

“Cassandra, the pillow is wet, is everything okay?” 

“Yeah.” 

I felt his lips against my neck. “I don’t believe you are, that lacked conviction. Why are you crying Cassie?” 

Joshua was still asleep against me and I didn’t want to tell him but he would keep asking and if he was going to tell me he was going back to her then at least I could make a stand to not be cut completely from Joshua’s life.

“I started down to bring the bottle to rinse it out and I heard her. How she misses you and how Neil made her realize she still loved you. How she missed you and wanted to be here and be his mom. How you held out hope for that. It’s what you wanted and you still have her engagement ring and she evidently bought the dress. She still wants you to be her first and I just…I can’t compete with her and I know I can’t.”

The fresh tears he wiped away and his arm remained over my side.

“You don’t have to compete with anyone Cassandra.” 

“Don’t humor me Zac, if you want her back then I should just go now. It’ll be easier for me.” 

His lips pressed into my neck and that wasn’t making this easy, if he thought this was make the pain less then he was an idiot.

“You aren’t going anywhere Cassie, I’m not going to let you.” 

“But…” 

“You came back upstairs obviously, so you didn’t hear everything.” 

I turned to look back at him some. “I couldn’t stay there and hear you tell her you wanted her back. I couldn’t hear those words and I really can’t now either.” 

He moved some of the hair from my face. “I don’t want her.” 

I blinked, I clearly didn’t hear him right, she was offering way more than I could ever offer. Joshua turned himself over and settled back down, but that gave me enough room to turn to face him. He wiped my face off again.

“I don’t want her. I want you.” He said.

“Me? Why? You were with her for years and you two were engaged. You still have the ring.”

“Why you? Because you were here when I needed someone, when the world just closed in on me and tried to suffocate me, you were there to push it away and give me breathing room. I really needed someone to help me through what happened, instead of being there for me she blamed me. I know it wasn’t easy on her either, but she didn’t believe me and four years together I thought she would at least have enough trust in me to know I wasn’t lying about being drugged. She just seemed to focus on what she thought she lost. She didn’t consider it was hard on me too.”

He paused but he clearly wasn’t done. 

“I met her in February to try and patch things up, I’d been here a week and kind of realized that she was hurting but she told me then she loved me and missed me, but she wouldn’t give in and come back. She admitted she didn’t believe me. I told her about Joshua and she said she took me and our baby, but Joshua could have always been ours, she didn’t see that. She did admit that she came that day to make me feel the pain and sadness. But, I overheard Harper a few weeks ago, apparently Maddilyn was already dating someone in February, she just didn’t tell me. When your dad mentioned us meeting sooner I thought about it and honestly, if I had met you sooner than I am sure I wouldn’t have been with her.” 

I blinked. “Are you saying you would have left her then?” 

“Yes. I don’t think our relationship was that strong like I did then, it hurt us both but I clearly wasn’t strong enough to handle my one mistake, drugged or not. I did love her, but I’ve realized that I don’t anymore and I don’t think she is what I need or want. Because what I need and what I want was right here with him asleep. You obviously don’t want to leave.” 

“You have her ring still.” 

He leaned in and kissed me. “I sold her ring before Thanksgiving Cassie. I knew I couldn’t return it, but I took it to a jeweler in town and he bought it from me. Not for what I paid but it was better than nothing. I don’t have her ring anymore, I realized that it was my last thread and I didn’t want to go back. Even as she was talking today the only thing I could think of was how you looked when I asked you to feed him up here, that was enough for me to know that you are what I want.” 

I blinked at him, he’d gotten rid of her ring? I hadn’t even known! There was a part of me that wished he’d tell me he loved me, not that he just wanted me. But, I think in a roundabout way he was trying to say that but just wasn’t ready for the real words. It was Joshua babbling behind me that drew our attention back to the fact that he was here and now awake and of course he was babbling and mama was coming out often.

“I think Joshua agrees with my decision here, you are outnumbered.” 

“You do know he’ll call anyone that right?” 

He kissed me. “No, he has the right person. You may not have had him Cassie but you’ve acted more like his mother than anyone else.”

I could feel the slight heat in my cheeks and he got up because even I could feel the wet spot on the bed, so clearly Joshua needed dry clothes. He took care of him and I took care of the bed itself but the headache was still there and when we went back downstairs I looked at the mess.

“What the hell?” 

“She was mildly upset when I told her I wasn’t going to come back.” 

“So she messes up my clean house? Screw that shit.” 

He did clean up the mess, it was mostly the poor potted plant that was beside the door. We then got some downtime and I had to admit he was really good about massages that helped the headaches. I think they were from the excessive movements the last few weeks and the drive, my neck and shoulders were cramping too. He handled dinner that night and Joshua and I watched him, he was sitting up more and while we were waiting I tried him on the jar of green beans I had gotten. The funny faces amused us both but he didn’t eat much of them. 

The rest of the night was low-key, watching some TV and I edited pictures so both Clayton and Zac could print them for Christmas. Zac ironically wanted a picture of us all for people, along with singles of Joshua. I wondered how his family would react to the news that he had wanted me and not her? Given their displeasure in his choices so far, I doubted they’d be happy!

Bed time came early for me given I’d gotten up so early and by eight that mild headache was full blown migraine, so I was glad to have the quiet room and dark room. I was asleep before he brought Joshua up and barely felt him join me in bed.


	41. Holiday Bliss

POV: Cassandra / Zac 

Word Count: 2784

December 25, 2006

I expected that Joshua would wake me up, but it was actually Zac who woke me up around dawn because it was snowing outside! It wasn’t unheard of for it to snow but it was a little rare, so it was nice. We were heading to his parent’s but we would open some stuff here before going there. Since we were awake, we fixed a quick and light breakfast of eggs, pancakes, and bacon. When Joshua woke up Zac went upstairs to get him and brought him down. He was eating solids now, not a lot of variety because we hadn’t been long started them. He had a vegetable and a fruit, which he was getting bananas this morning. Since he was sitting up pretty much on his own now, or with little assistance Zac used the high chair. 

“You know one year he’ll attack the wrapped items before he does anything else.” 

He looked at me. “I am totally looking forward to that day!” 

“What time are we due at your parent’s?” 

“Eleven. You know that we don’t have to go there.” 

“It’s Christmas Zac, yes, we have to.”

My parents were in town also and they’d come here yesterday to celebrate with them, they would be with my aunts and uncles today and they still weren’t ready to readmit me into the family tree just yet, they were still pissed at the things that Calvin had made me say and do back then to both my parents and them. 

He finished giving him the baby food and then I took the bottle, which finished his breakfast and then he got changed into his Christmas outfit. It was a red long sleeve onesie with my first Christmas across the top, there was a reindeer head between My and First. There were matching pants that were red and white striped and on his butt would be the same reindeer head. He then had white socks. Zac and I had red pajamas, his idea. We’d have to change before leaving. I took pictures of Zac with him as he opened the items Zac had gotten, including mostly toys and even some he could ride on or learn to walk with. Joshua got a break as Zac opened his from me, all but the one he wouldn’t get until later tonight that he didn’t even know existed.

I had gotten him a lot of new video games and clothes, ones that actually fit him and were not too baggy. 

“Trying to tell me something?” 

“Yeah, you look super nice in clothes that fit.” 

“You just like staring at my ass, admit it.” 

I just smiled. I took Joshua while he opened mine, which I had gotten him different toys as well and some new outfits. Watching him unwrap things was so nice, the way he would be excited to rip the paper and even if he had no idea what was going on it was good. He sat here even as Zac handed me mine, which he’d gotten clothes as well.

“I wasn’t entirely sure of your preference, but I went with kind of what you normally chose.”

“They’re fine.” 

The last item he took Joshua from me and sat the bag in my lap. It was a huge bag which took me several minutes to get the items out. He’d gotten me a new camera, a very expensive, very nice new camera and a new case. I couldn’t resist jumping him, glad he’d put Joshua in his bouncer.

“Wow, you do this for everything you open and like?”

I kissed him. “Maybe.” 

“I’ll remember that for next year.” 

I got about 2 hours to play with the new camera before we had to change, we’d opted to wear the same outfits we wore for the pictures, only Joshua would remain in his. We were at his parents on time, thankfully. Thanksgiving had been rather tense here, awkward and maybe a little unpleasant. I was hoping today wouldn’t be the same. Avery was practically waiting by the door and took Joshua from Zac and she was off. Zac soon vanished too but I found his Mom and Dad in the kitchen with Jessica.

“Hi Cassie.” She said.

“Hello, is there anything I can do?” 

“We got it.” Jessica said.

“Jessica.” Diana said.

She sighed. “I’m sorry. Mom?” 

“Certainly, why don’t you two finish up these dishes while Walker and I go make sure things are settled.” 

Neither of us complained and she took washing while I rinsed and dried. It was quiet for a little while before she finally stopped.

“You aren’t telling me to get lost or butt out.” She said.

“I may not have siblings but I have cousins that were close. I get it Jessica, you don’t want to see them hurt or upset. I understand, you hate Megan for the things she did to your brothers. I’m not her and I don’t know what else I can do to make you see that.” 

She sighed. “It’s not you Cassie, it’s me. I thought Megan was gold. She was so pleasant and nice and I thought they were going to last. Then she destroyed everything.”

I gently nudged her arm. “I can’t come in and fix it unless you let me.” 

“Fix it? There’s no fixing what she did.” 

I just smiled. “There is Jessica, it just takes more than me. I don’t have eyes for your oldest two brothers, just the one. I hope Isaac’s current girlfriend, Alicia, is the one for him. But you guys need to back off Zac, he’s dealing with enough concerning Megan.” 

She looked at me. “What does he have to do with her? She gave up custody.” 

“She’s trying to get it back Jess, he didn’t tell you?” 

“No.” 

“They’ve had one court date already, she’s filed to reinstate and if that happens he may be forced to share custody with her. He probably didn’t say anything because every time he makes a decisions everyone bitches about it. But Taylor and Isaac knew.” 

“You know I hate smartass observers, right?”

“While I’m there…I know you hate Megan but you need to stop blaming Joshua. He’s part of you, he’s part of Zac. He’s more like Zac than her. He deserves to have two aunts, not just one.”

She rolled her eyes. “Observant. How did you know?” 

I smiled. “It’s not hard to see. You don’t want to know him because of what Megan did, you want to but you don’t because of her. Trust me Jessica, it won’t hurt Megan, just Joshua.” 

“I sometimes hate when you are right.” 

“We don’t get this done your mom is going to be skinning us both alive.”

She laughed and we finally got the dishes done in time to eat, I wanted to ask about what I was right about, but didn’t. Lunch, or dinner, was way too much food but it was really good food! Afterwards we gathered in the living room and between Taylor and I we had the camera situation covered.

“Did you two strategically place yourselves” Alicia asked.

“I guess so. I didn’t realize it.” Taylor said.

I didn’t expect anything here but I was rather shocked that everyone in the room got me something, and of course they had items. I sensed a theme after the second one, tripods, lenses, extra batteries and chargers. Taylor provided the lenses and Isaac? The one I thought for sure hated me, got the very expensive program to professionally edit and create pictures.

“I expect nothing less than perfect photos.” Ike said.

“When do you get non-perfect ones now?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes. By the time I had everything opened I had virtually everything I needed for a professional set up. Zac looked exhausted so I took over Joshua opening for a while. He clearly racked up for people who seemed to not want him for six months. But about three it clearly showed because he hadn’t napped long and he was getting whiney with everyone. It was actually Taylor that had him when he said mama, he looked confused. For that matter, everyone in the room did.

“Is he…asking for Megan?” Taylor asked.

“No.” Zac said.

He kept asking so I just got up and walked over. “He’s asking for me.” 

Avery cleared the chair and I sat down, even though she had plenty of room to sit beside me. He rather curled up against me and held on. 

“He’s just tired, he usually naps around noon but he didn’t sleep long.” 

I expected an argument, some disagreement but Diana smiled. 

“I think I can surely say that we prefer you over her.” 

“Speaking of…I know everyone hates my decisions but I need character witnesses in January. She filed to reinstate her rights.” Zac said.

“She what?” Walker asked.

“She claimed she was coerced and she was upset and didn’t know what to do. The judge ordered an inspection which was already done and she wants witnesses to her behavior and to how I handle things.”

“You can count me in. I’m not letting her take him now.” Ike said.

I was sure that Zac and I both were stunned at that but it kind of cascaded around the room. 

**-Zac-**

I was shocked that Isaac was the first and then everyone, I wasn’t use to this! But Avery put her arms around Cassie and looked at me sternly.

“You can’t get rid of Cassie! You have to keep her.” 

I blinked. “I wouldn’t dare. Why would you think that?” 

“Maddi told me a few weeks ago she was going to be my sister soon. She said the two of you were getting back together.” 

My mom blinked. “Is that true?” 

“Maddi came by to talk to me, but we’re not getting back together. She shouldn’t be telling anyone that either. No worries Avie, Cassie isn’t going anywhere. I would be an idiot to take his mama away from him.” 

Cassie’s cheeks flushed some and I quite liked that look.

“I think that’s a good decision.” Harper said.

I blinked at her. “You do?” 

“Hey, she’s my friend and she talks to me but I can tell when you’re happy. She can’t apparently.”

I was sure acceptance to Cassie was big and this was about as close to that as she could get! Cassie did look tired though and while Joshua had napped briefly with her, it wasn’t enough. Maybe, that would mean he would be asleep sooner and I could get a few hours with Cassie alone.

She had gone to the doctor last Wednesday because her headaches were bothering her more, she didn’t say much about the appointment just that the doctor said less salt and more rest. She did give her something to take to help with the headaches though. 

About 4:30 I began to load everything up, he had racked up on toys and I now had a lot more than he needed. While I was taking the stuff to the car my mother made up plates to send home with us, she was going to make damn sure we didn’t starve! I think she sent enough home with us to last for days. Once things were loaded we said our byes and headed home. Got everything mostly put away before it was feeding Joshua and us and getting him settled.

But by 8:15 Joshua was in his pajamas and he was asleep in his swing, which he was almost too big for now. She hadn’t turned the TV on or anything, so the only light was the lights from the tree, twinkling and glowing. She got up from the sofa and went to the tree, retrieving another wrapped package and then she sat down beside me.

“Where did that come from?” 

“I hid it there on purpose, I kind of wanted to give this one to you once he was asleep and it was just us.” 

It was wrapped in green paper, which is probably why I hadn’t seen it, added it wasn’t near the bottom. It had my name on it written in her neat handwriting. I unwrapped the package to a small white box. I had no idea what this could be or what to expect, so I slipped the top off. Inside laying against blue tissue paper was a white oblong shaped object with a clear pink cover on one end. In the center was a little rounded window with two pink vertical lines. Just to the left of that window were words and the one beside the two vertical lines said ‘pregnant’. I sat and stared at it for several minutes before the dots seem to connect.

“Cassandra…”

“Think you can handle being a father all over again?” 

I blinked. “This is…yours? Like…right now? As in…we’re having a baby?” 

She nodded. “Yes. I went to the doctor for the headaches and to also ask for a new prescription for birth control. They require a test and well, it came back positive. You and I are expecting a baby.” 

I had no idea how I should feel, but shock was one and well, happiness was another one.

“Tell me it wasn’t the first time we had sex…” 

She laughed. “No. The doctor couldn’t quite tell but I think it’s more recent. I called and made an appointment with an OBGYN for January, that doctor will be able to tell us more. The general doctor couldn’t do much but confirm, which she did with a blood test too. I had headaches the first time, but my mom felt more like it was him hitting me that caused them.” 

Honestly, I heard OBGYN and they could tell ‘us’ more out of everything she said. Us. My brain latched onto that concept, us implies she and I.

“Us? You mean that I can…?” 

“You will be at every appointment unless you don’t want to be. But, January is mandatory, so is February, and March..I’m sure you get where I am going.”

She smiled and I giggled. “I get where it’s going but no problems I’ll be there every single appointment. But, Cassie are you okay with this?” 

I didn’t know if she really wanted children right now or with me even. I know she loved Joshua but this wouldn’t be someone she can walk away from. What few doubts were creeping up, were squished when she kissed me. It clearly said she didn’t mind and she was okay with this. When she pulled away I couldn’t even find the right words to fully express how I felt about her and about this. 

I was going to have another baby and I would be there for the entire pregnancy, I’d get that experience that I missed with Megan’s. The words seem to tumble from my lips faster than I could stop them, yet I didn’t regret them.

“Will you marry me?”

Yep, shocked her. Her eyes grew wide and she seemed stunned just looking at me.

“Are you serious?” 

“Yes. I can’t imagine waking up without you. I love you and I want you to marry me.” 

I thought asking Maddi was nerve wracking, waiting for her to answer me was way worse. Maybe it was the admission that I do love her, which didn’t fully shock me but at the same time it did. Clearly, it shocked her. I could also see the little pools in her eyes though.

“Yes, I will marry you because I can’t lose you and Joshua, I can’t do this alone. I love you and I want to be here.” 

I pulled her into my lap and kissed her. “I kind of don’t have an engagement ring.” 

She smiled. “You don’t need one really, I’ll be content without one.” 

“No, you have to have one. I’ll get you one.”

I sat there a moment, holding her. I really couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas. My family seemed to finally accept my choices, accept that Joshua was part of me as well. I’d not ignored that Jessica had actually played with him. My family seemed to accept Cassie and boy would this be a shock to them. I find out that I’ll have another baby next year and now she’ll be my wife. I really don’t think anything could top this. 

We went up to bed about nine and while I really didn’t expect sex since she said she was pregnant I was rather shocked she initiated it! It was easier since Joshua was now in his room and not mine, but damn I’d have to start all over again in several months!


	42. My First

POV: Zac / Cassandra 

  

January 4, 2006

New Year’s had been nice and since her parents came to us for New Year’s she told them about the pregnancy and I told mine later that afternoon. Her parents were over the moon, elated and decided that Tulsa was going to be home. My family was less welcoming, stunned and shocked better described them and I was positive my parents were pissed off but they didn’t show it. We’d had a good New Year’s with food, fun, and fireworks!

To boot, Joshua decided that New Year’s day was a good time to learn how to crawl. Cassie had just sighed heavily when he began to move, we both knew that meant more gates at the studio. But today was special, we had the first appointment with Dr. Britney Steele, Cassie had intentionally chosen a woman to be her doctor and she had chosen one that she had never seen before. The appointment was at ten, so we were both up and ready before nine. 

She really seemed okay with the pregnancy but I wasn’t ignorant, she’d lost a baby before and I wanted to make sure I paid attention to how she felt, especially around the five month marker. We arrived at her appointment at 9:40 and she got the paperwork and began to fill it out, new person meant tons of papers. She didn’t have coverage at the moment and I couldn’t add her to my plan until we were married, so these first few appointments would be cash. 

“Life history…” She mumbled.

Joshua was sitting in my lap playing with the toy I’d brought in. 

“I have no idea about that.” 

She glanced at me and then finished filling out the papers and turned them in. They were a few minutes late calling her back, but the first thing they did was get her height, weight, and a urine sample before putting us in a room and the nurse told her to pretty much strip.

“Well, this is awkward.” 

She giggled. “It’s not weird.”

She folded up her clothes and laid them beside me in the chair, slipped the little paper gown on and sat down. She looked nervous and in just that thin gown I could see the slight shaking.

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I just…I’ve never really gone through this either. I didn’t find out until I was over four months last time.” 

“No worries, you’ll be fine.” 

The doctor came in and smiled. “Good morning Mrs. Parker.” 

“Morning.” Cassie said.

She glanced over at me. “Now he’s just adorable and pretty much a carbon copy of you Mr. Hanson.” 

“Thank you Dr. Steele.” 

“You told the nurse you were here to determine how far along you are?”

“Yes, I saw a general doctor in December and the test came back positive. They recommended I call an OB as soon as possible, I made the appointment with you the next day. I’m guessing around a month or so.” 

She looked down at the papers and I could almost tell when she got to the previous pregnancies part.

“Were you given any reason for your prior loss?” 

“No.”

“I’m going to have you sign a release, I’d like to see what they determined if anything.” 

“If they told anyone it would have been my ex-husband, but he never told me why.” 

“It’s possible there wasn’t a reason, but if there was and the doctor indicated it I would like to know.”

“Understandable. I can give you the doctor’s name and stuff.” 

“Is this cutie also yours?” 

“He is technically, but I didn’t have him.” She said.

“Okay, let’s start with an exam, you indicated it’s been a while.” 

I kept Joshua entertained while the doctor did a physical. I could hear them and even see them doing the exam and this was so surreal. Not once did I think I would ever be here, that I’d be attending this appointment and the rest. She drew several tubes of blood and I cringed. 

“Alright, give me just a few and I’ll have the technician do the ultrasound so we can figure out about when you are due.” 

“Okay.” 

Dr. Steele stepped out and she changed into her shirt but left the pants off for the moment. 

“Still feeling okay?” 

“My arm hurts.”

It took another fifteen minutes before they actually moved her to another room. Sheet wrapped around her and I was confused, but the doctor indicated a spot beside the bed for me to sit. I knew what a sonogram was, but the wand she got wasn’t the one I was use to and…wait…was she putting a condom on it?! It didn’t hit me until the shape made sense and Cassie looked uncomfortable to say the least, but it wasn’t long before she turned the monitor around. I saw a mostly grey and black image and nothing resembled anything close to what I’d seen with Avery’s sonogram pictures.

“Right here, that’s the baby.” 

She’d indicated to a small white blob in the middle of a larger black blob, didn’t look anything like a baby to me! But she did something and sound flooded the room, Joshua paused and looked in the direction. The sound was a whoop whoop noise and was steady and fast.

“Is that…” 

“His or her heartbeat, yes. Sounds very strong. You are measuring right around seven weeks and three to six days, the days are fluctuating some. Once you are a little farther we can get a better measurement.” 

“When would that put me as far as a due date?” Cassie asked.

“August sometime around the eighteenth.” She replied.

“Is everything looking okay so far though?” I asked.

“Yes. Looks like implantation was good and he or she is growing nicely so far. We will check your blood levels and make sure everything is in range as well as get those records from the other doctors. You said headaches was a concern?” 

“Yes. I had them before but my husband at the time was abusive so I didn’t know if they were pregnancy related or just stress. I didn’t even know I was then until I was four months.” 

“It could be both honestly. Has your blood pressure been fine?” 

“Yes.” 

“Keep track the next month, it could just be the hormonal shifts your body is experiencing right now.” 

“Thank you.” 

She got the machine put up, handed me the print outs and I put them up while Cassie got re-dressed and they discussed a few things. We then headed and got lunch.

“Are you coming with me to the studio?” 

“No. You’re mom sent me a message and requested I come see her today after the appointment.”

“Is…that wise?” 

“Honestly, I don’t know but I want your parents to be like mine and I want them to accept Joshua and this baby. Maybe this will help.” 

I nodded and when we were done with lunch she dropped me off at the studio, taking Joshua with her to my parents house.

**-Cassandra-**

I was nervous as fuck. I called my parents as I drove carefully to his parents. Let them know what the doctor said and when the next appointment was. Diana let both me and Joshua in quickly and I found that she had a place for Joshua in the middle of the floor and even had a gate up across the door, so he couldn’t venture outside the living room. Impressed me!

“I know you had an appointment, how did it go?”

“The doctor said seven weeks and four to six days it was fluctuating. She didn’t find any problems in the sonogram and she took like half of my blood which those would take a few days.” 

“Did Zac go with you?” 

“Yes, he held Joshua while we were there. Um, I told him he was pretty much going to them all unless he absolutely couldn’t, he seems excited to go though.” 

Joshua was still napping at this time, so I laid him down on the sofa on a blanket and we sat down. It grew quiet and I was confused as to what was going on.

“I want to thank you.” She said.

I blinked. “Thank me for what?” 

“For making us all see what we were doing wrong? For making us realize that while Zac did make mistakes and made decisions we didn’t agree on, that we should have considered his feelings in the matter more. I know you feel like we hate you but we don’t. We just…we got stuck on what we felt was best and it took way too long to realize we weren’t right.” 

“Hey you’re entitled to your own thoughts, I just saw how everyone treated Joshua. Be mad at Zac, he’s your son but Joshua is really innocent in everything that happened.”

I paused and I didn’t want to piss her off right now but I had to know.

“You aren’t going to treat this baby like you did Joshua are you?”

She frowned. “No. Honestly, we should have been way more involved with Joshua and I feel very bad that we missed that first six months because we were just too stubborn and pigheaded to look beyond our own selfishness. We thought Zac wasn’t thinking and that he was being selfish by not asking anyone anything, by not seeking advice and not listening to us. Reality was, he was always right. I mean, we all assumed he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t raise a baby. But, every decision he made has been for Joshua. He moved out, he got everything he would need, he’s made sure he’s been safe. We didn’t agree with his choice of a sitter but clearly you’ve been the best person for both Joshua and Zac.” 

“I didn’t have any more children with Calvin because I didn’t want my children to be raised like him, to be around his mother but you and Walker aren’t them.” 

“Any more? I didn’t think you had any.” 

“Calvin and I lost one, a little girl at five months. To my knowledge there was no reason.”

She frowned. “I didn’t know that.”

“I don’t talk about it.”

She nodded. “Understandable. Are you still planning to attend classes now that you are expecting?” 

“Yes. I’ll be doing a few morning classes and then when that becomes impossible I will do online classes. The University isn’t far, Taylor and Isaac also agreed to be more accommodating on those days.”

“Well, you can count me in as well because it’s time I begin enjoying that I have a grandson and will have another grandbaby soon. I realize that I’ve been very distant but I heard you and Jessica talking and I realized that I was doing the same thing. I was ignoring this little innocent baby because I was mad at Megan. Because I was mad that because of her I missed all the pre-birth things. Granted it wasn’t all her fault, I could have been at the hospital as well and that was my fault.”

“I didn’t want to say anything to you or Walker because really I felt that wasn’t my place.” 

“It’s okay, it probably wouldn’t have gone over well. We are stubborn people. And yes, we were super mad when Zac told us you were pregnant. But we’ve had time to analyze our own actions and Taylor and Isaac brought a lot to our attention. I am sorry that you felt like we hate you, I’m sorry for making you feel unwanted. But, we’ve seen how you are with Joshua and Zac and you’ve done nothing but support him with everything. I don’t think I could ask for a better daughter-in-law and I am looking forward to redeeming myself with Joshua and with the new one.” 

Joshua had turned over and my leg had stopped him from going too far. She waited several moments before she laid her hand on my ankle.

“If you need to take classes and they need to do whatever then I’ll watch him. I should have been offering a long time ago. I see how much Zac worries about the court date and how much it’s hurting you both to feel like she may get him.” 

“Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind but you really can see him whenever you want. He’s your grandson after all.” 

“I know. Is there anything you need for the wedding?” 

“Um, a place to have it? Every place we’ve called has been booked.” 

“I am sure our church would allow you to use it. You guys aren’t doing anything super big, so it shouldn’t be a problem.” 

“I’ll let him know because it could be perfect.” 

She smiled and when Joshua woke up she actually took the diaper change and the bottle for him and even played and kept him company. I left her house at 5 headed to the studio and when I arrived I found Saphira sitting in the office.

“What are you doing in here?” 

“Zac let me in because he felt bad. He said I would be frozen when you arrived and I refused to leave. You vanished after Christmas. Not cool.” 

I sat Joshua down in the pack n play, now without the bassinet part because he was moving too much. He had toys with him and was content for the moment.

“Why are you here?” 

“To see if you are okay, see what was going on.” 

I sat down in his desk chair and leaned back. “Well…”

“Come on, something is going on. Zac has legit been happy as fuck. Like, they all let me stay inside!” 

I leaned back and giggled. “Zac is very happy, he got to attend the appointment this morning.” 

I got the sonogram pictures from the diaper bag and handed them to her, no better way to tell her. She looked at them and then her eyes grew very wide as she saw my name across the top.

“You can’t be…” 

“Seven weeks, nearing eight according to the doctor.” 

“When did you find out?” 

“December 20 th, I told Zac on Christmas. We told family on New Year’s and today was the first appointment. So he is very happy. He also asked me to marry him and I agreed. So, you can go with me to pick out a dress in a week.” 

“A week?” 

“I don’t want to be too far along and we’re only really waiting to find a place, his mom may have one. We don’t want super huge or anything, it’ll be family and a few friends.”

She just looked stunned and confused. “Wait…you’re pregnant and you’re getting married?” 

“Yes.” 

“Where is your ring?” 

“I finally convinced him I didn’t need an expensive ass engagement ring unless he wanted to wait for more than six months. We’re not waiting that long, so it doesn’t matter. I would rather he spend that money on something more useful like the wedding itself or toward our future child.” 

“Wow, lot happened in like ten days.” 

“Yeah. The plus is his parents and family seem to be improving and his mom assured me she wanted to be there and be around both for Joshua now and the new baby. So, maybe it’s a good thing.” 

“How do you feel about the baby? Are you okay?” 

“I’m nervous admittedly, but excited too, because it’s not Calvin’s. Zac will be there and he or she will be raised with love and not hate.” 

She smiled. “He’s about to cry and I assume it’s dinner time?” 

“No, not for an hour or so, he’s probably wanting out so he can get into stuff.” 

I sat him out and it was watching him to keep him in the office for the time being. He thought it was funny to try and out crawl my walking. Saphira stayed there with me and Joshua until they got ready to leave and then she headed home and Zac and I headed home. 

“How did the talk with my mom go?” 

“It went well. She wants to be more involved and said if we needed her to watch him while I was in class and you were busy she would.” 

“It’s about time.”

“Did you talk to the lawyer?” I asked.

“I did. She said it was better to inform the judge and she will, but she doesn’t see it making an impact on her decision. If anything the fact we’ll be married soon should help because it means he will have a person in that role.” 

“But…?” 

“You can’t testify on my behalf because I could have persuaded you.” 

“I wouldn’t need any persuasion.” 

He smiled and we got dinner fixed. I fed Joshua his carrots at the table and then Zac did the bottle before bed, the bath, and laid him down for the night. We made some more plans for the upcoming wedding, neither of us wanted some super big deal, something simple. 

We eventually laid down as well and fell asleep about eleven.


	43. My Son...

POV: Zac 

  

January 8, 2007

We were at the courthouse by 8:45 and unlike last time, my entire family was here. Including a few cousins of mine. I knew it was going to be a long time because she had witnesses also. Joshua had plenty of entertainment today but the judge evidently didn’t want him in the room because Mrs. Fernbank had Cassie and Joshua put in another room, but she’d be able to see and hear what happened. 

“Is that normal?” Taylor asked.

“I don’t know Taylor.” 

Megan showed up with five minutes to spare, even in winter she managed to dress slutty to me. Skin tight black jeans and very low cut top which her coat barely concealed. Isaac scowled but we were called in at 9:05 and we took our spots. The judge was called in and she actually seemed to look for Joshua before she took her seat.

She started with the house inspections and both mine and Megan’s had been good. Each presented a clean and safe environment but I was certain Megan was with her parents, she was when she dated Isaac.

“I would like to hear witnesses on behalf of Ms. Rosen first.” She said.

“Certainly your honor, we call her mother, Mrs. Carol Rosen.” 

Her mother was the same age as mine apparently and she was sworn in, of course her mother gave a glowing testimony of how her baby had changed so much since June. Her lawyer asked a few question and then the judge turned to her.

“Mrs. Rosen did you know your daughter was pregnant?” 

“No, she did not tell me until she was forcefully put into rehab, when her father and I questioned why she was there, and why we couldn’t check her out she told us.”

“Did she say why she failed to tell you?” 

“She indicated that she had decided to do adoption and that she didn’t really want to tell us.” 

I could only sit here and listen, her mother made it sound like Megan knew what she was doing. Her father was called, explained how she had been down and depressed and that the Christmas holiday had been horrible because they knew Joshua would only have one. Even though they could only call him the baby or her son, since they didn’t know his name. Her brother and sister testified as well, all four made her seem totally cool.

She called several of her friends who under oath swore she’d never touched drugs while she was pregnant and that I clearly made that up. Mrs. Fernbank had snorted because at the rehab facility she was given a test that came back positive. 

She called up maybe seven individuals total, most said the same thing. She was saddened by her decisions, depressed, that she was in no state of mind to make such a decision, and that she never consulted anyone for advice in her family. The lawyers had each asked questions and they denied her drug use, denied her partying, and made her seem like a damn saint! The judge called a brief break once her side were done and I sank back. I really wished Cassie was sitting behind me. 

When we returned she started with my side. My parents, Jessica, and Taylor were all called up first and obviously they gave me good testimony. They’re my family! Isaac was the last person called and I sat forward, this had to be good. Her lawyer started.

“Mr. Hanson, you were dating my client at the time of her pregnancy, correct?” 

“Yes.”

“Were the two of you sexually involved with one another at the time of her conception?” 

“Yes.” 

“She initially told you the baby was yours, correct?” 

“Yes.” 

I glanced at Mrs. Fernbank and she was smirking some, clearly she and Isaac had spoken!

“Did you believe the baby was yours?” 

“No. I used protection each time and I put myself responsible for that. I knew when she told me, that the baby was not mine.” 

“Did you know at the time the child belonged to your younger brother?” 

“No.” 

He sighed. “When did you find out? Who told you?” 

“My brother told me.”

“Did you love my client?” 

“We were not together long enough for me to answer that truthfully. At the time of her conception, no. Had we lasted longer, then it was very possible that I would have.”

“Did you or your brother believe she was pregnant?” 

He looked at me and I didn’t move. 

“No. We both felt that the pregnancy was a lie and if she was, that the baby could have belonged to anyone. She was willing to cheat on me, then she was willing to cheat with anyone else.” 

He took his seat and Mrs. Fernbank stood up. “Mr. Hanson, were you upset and hurt when you found out that your brother had sex with your girlfriend?” 

“Yes. I was.” 

“How would you describe your relationship with him after, and now?” 

“Understandably we had problems right after, I felt betrayed and that he initially had done this. I unfairly blamed him for everything when it was Megan’s fault as well. Our relationship is on the mend now and I no longer blame him. Part of the problem was I didn’t believe his story that she had given him something to alter his thoughts and reactions. When she showed up last year I went to the front as a witness and heard her admit to giving him ketamine that day. I do not believe my brother would have said yes, had she not given that to him.” 

The judge looked at him sharply. “Mr. Hanson you are under oath.” 

“I know that your honor, but I did hear her, and my brother was adamant that he felt like he had been given something. It was just never proven.”

When Isaac was done they called up some of her cousins that were responsible for the injunction, they all testified that she had been doing drugs at the time. Clayton was called to testify that I had asked questions about raising a baby, asked for his help in preparing and that I’d followed him. The last friend they called up for me was Reed, Mrs. Fernbank had put him last because he told me about the pregnancy. He was sworn in and Mrs. Fernbank got up.

“Mr. Simpson can you tell us your relationship with my client?” 

“He has been one of my best friends for years. I believe we were ten when we initially met. I just don’t advertise it because of his name and requests to see if I could get them a private show or picture.” 

“Understandable. How about Ms. Rosen?” 

“I met Megan about four years ago at a house party for a mutual friend.”

“Did you ever tell Ms. Rosen that you were friends with my client?” 

“No. She was not a close friend to me and because of his name and such I did not tell her that he was a friend of mine or that I knew him, or his family, at all.” 

“Did Ms. Rosen tell you about her pregnancy?” 

“She asked me to take her to the doctor in December of 2005. She requested that I come back with her and I did, I was there when the doctor checked her for that appointment, she was right about eighteen weeks.” 

“Did you ask her about the baby’s father?” 

“Yes. She told me that the father was a stupid, idiotic, mother fucker who didn’t care about her or the baby. I asked for a name and her words were, ‘the fucker’s name is Zac Hanson, if you ever see him kick his ass’.” 

“Did she ever indicate that she didn’t know the father?” 

“No. She was very clear who the father was. I questioned her and she said she dated Isaac Hanson but in September she had a one night stand with his younger brother.” 

“Did you believe her story?” 

“Initially, no. She was not the first woman to claim their baby belonged to a member of the Hanson band. After her appointment I ran into Isaac and asked what happened, he told me to ask her. When I pressed he provided a photo. At that point most of her story was true, it wasn’t as farfetched as I originally believed.”

“Were you planning to inform Zac at any point?” 

“Initially no because I assumed that he knew and I know that the band itself was raised to respect women and to take responsibility, however it felt odd. He was under the impression that she had lied, he was surprised when I told him she was. I initially told him and because he was unaware I also informed him about her drug use the previous weekend.” 

“Did you see Ms. Rosen ingest, inhale, or otherwise abuse an illegal substance?” 

“Yes. She was snorting cocaine.”

“Mr. Simpson you went through extensive rehab about three years ago, correct?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“So you are aware of the effects?” 

“Yes.”

“Did you inform my client of the potential side effects of her drug usage?” 

“Yes. He was aware of the side effects that I had when I was getting clean. It’s the same process for a newborn only they can’t take anything to stem the side effects. In addition to developmental and physical problems.”

“Did he ask for confirmation?” 

“Yes and I provided a picture of the sonogram I had taken.”

“Did he ask you anything?” 

“He asked if I felt like she would care about the baby, I told him no. That with her drug use and how things had ended she wouldn’t. I feel like she would have done an abortion had she not been too far, and I felt she would use the baby for child support or some other financial gain. I wouldn’t have put myself in the middle but if she wasn’t lying to me about paternity then I felt he needed to know what was going on.” 

Mrs. Fernbank sat down and her lawyer stood up.

“Were you hired by Mr. Hanson to spy on my client?” 

“No.” 

“Were you also doing drugs when you saw her? Drinking?”

“I have been clean since my rehab, I never want to experience that pain again. I do not drink and I have multiple witnesses that can attest to my soberness that night.” 

Her lawyer floundered a bit but eventually sat down. The last witness we had was her former lawyer, I wasn’t aware that we could even talk to him at all, what with attorney client privilege. But, apparently she signed a waiver for him to testify. I’m not sure why she would be that stupid! Mrs. Fernbank called him but she let her current lawyer start. Apparently both sides had wanted to call him up.

Her lawyer smiled as he approached. “Mr. McCain, you represented my client, Megan Rosen, before correct?” 

“Yes. I was hired by her parents while she was being contained in rehab.” 

“You spoke to my client in depth about the process of adoption, correct?” 

“Yes. Initially when I was hired she had mentioned adoption often, we went over all of the processes, papers, and requirements. She had signed the papers for the adoption to occur already.” 

“Did you have a family picked out?” 

“We had narrowed down the names to two, but a final decision had not been made.”

“Why not?” 

“I got notification from Mrs. Fernbank that the father of the baby would be filing for custody, Ms. Rosen had told me she didn’t know who the father was. A preliminary safe DNA test was performed using Ms. Rosen’s blood and the determination was that there was a 96% chance that Mr. Hanson was the baby’s father.” 

“What did that do to the adoption process?” 

“With a known father, we cannot process an adoption without his permission as well. I had to amend the papers but Mrs. Fernbank was representing him and said he wanted custody and rights to see his child. Without his signature there was no adoption and I explained that to Mr. Rosen.” 

“What were her options at that point?” 

“She could keep the baby and share custody with his father or she could let him take custody and have visitation.”

“What did she tell you she wanted?” 

He looked at me and then to the judge. “Your honor is it paramount I repeat what she told me?” 

“Yes.” She said.

He took a deep breath and then looked at the lawyer. “She told me that she didn’t want the bastard to ever see him and that she would find another lawyer that would file without his signature if I couldn’t. She apparently tried but no lawyer would accept such a case because filing an adoption with a known father could always end badly, especially if he can prove he never signed and is the father. She fired me and then rehired me a week later, at that point she said she wanted to sign her rights completely away, she wanted nothing to do with the baby.”

Her new lawyer seemed shocked! Clearly Megan hadn’t mentioned that. He seemed confused and had no idea what to do. He simply returned to his seat and Mrs. Fernbank stood up. 

“Mr. McCain, you just said she wanted adoption and didn’t tell you the father’s name?” 

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

“Did she ever, at any point, indicate she knew who the father was?”

“She told me she had a one night stand at a party and knew nothing about him. I was unaware of his existence until the custody papers were filed.” 

“Did you encourage Ms. Rosen to sign her rights away? Was that an option you presented to her?”

“No. When she told me she wanted to give up all rights, I encouraged her to think about it. She had months left to go at that time. I encouraged that she ask for joint custody.” 

“Did she ever ask about any other options?” 

“No. Each time I brought it up she said she wanted to give them up.”

“Did anyone at the rehab facility speak to her about her rights or choices?” 

“I inquired about their process in this and the facility’s director told me that it was not part of their stated duties to speak to her about such matters. There duty was to follow the injunction which kept her there until the birth of the baby. To my knowledge, no one spoke to her but it is possible that nurses or other staff did, but in a counseling setting no one did.” 

“When did you file the papers for Ms. Rosen’s rights to be stripped?” 

“I refused to allow her to sign them until the ninth month, she signed then in June just four days before the birth of the baby. However, I held them until after the baby arrived because often mothers change their minds when they see the baby. She requested he be taken out as soon as he was delivered.”

“Did the delivery go as planned?” 

“Objection. Your honor what does the delivery have to do with custody?” 

The judge looked at Mrs. Fernbank. “It goes to establish her drug usage and the safety of her child.” 

“Sustained, Mr. McCain please answer the question.” 

“It did not. She was in active labor but her blood pressure went insane, they were forced to do an emergency cesarean.” 

“Was there a reason?” 

“Yes, she had taken a dose of cocaine while she was in labor.” 

“Mr. McCain, Ms. Rosen is claiming my client never gave her a chance. Is that true?” 

“No. Mr. Hanson brought the baby to the room when he was two days old. He didn’t believe she wanted to give him up, but she made it very clear that she did.”

“Do you remember the exact wording?” 

He took a few moments, I was sure he remembered what she said because I did and he was just as shocked as I was!

“Exact wording no, but I remember she told him not to come any closer and that he needed to take his bastard of a son and get out of her room. She indicated she may have tried abortion, but I had no proof of that. She said he walked away and then put her there, that he could fuck off and she didn’t want to see him. He told her she couldn’t mean that because he was also her son. She clearly stated he was not her son, wished him good luck in raising him without help. She told him he could take care of the bastard the rest of his life. But she wanted him out of hers.” 

“Did my client get mad or upset?” 

“If he did I didn’t see it. I remember that he told her he wouldn’t ever contact her again and he indicated she shouldn’t contact him when she changed her mind.”

“Thank you.” She said.

She sat down and her lawyer just looked stunned as fuck, like she’d not told him any of that! The judge called for a lunch break and I got to see Cassie and Joshua for an hour. It was a good break because I needed to see her. When we went back her lawyer indicated they had one more person and he called Megan up.

“Is this wise?” 

“Probably not but if you feel like you need to go up afterwards I can call you.” 

“We’ll see.” 

Her lawyer asked most of the questions and it was basically the same bullshit she’d already said. She was coerced, that nurses at the rehab facility were constantly on her about giving him up, that she felt she had to and she was so hurt. When he sat down my lawyer stood up.

“Ms. Rosen what time was your son born?” 

“Sometime after five.”

“How much did he weight?”

“I don’t know. I was never told.” 

“Did you see your son at any point after his birth?” 

“Just for a few minutes after he was born and when his father brought him to the room. I tried to see him in November but he refused to bring him.” 

“No further questions, your honor.” 

She sat down and I looked at her. “Call me.” 

I was sure that my entire family was shocked as hell, but she called me up and even let him go first.

“Mr. Hanson why didn’t you believe my client when she said she was pregnant?” 

“She failed to provide any proof. No pregnancy test, no sonograms, no doctor’s statement, nothing. She expected me to take her word and I couldn’t.” 

“I spoke to a lady that you may know, Samantha Green. She had an interesting story to tell.” 

“I bet she did, considering she was being paid to watch my son for me and she left him with a stranger.” 

“You weren’t aware of that though?” 

“No, I wasn’t. I was working at the time and she was supposed to be caring for him and she was being paid for her time. Instead of coming to me when he wouldn’t stop crying, she took him outside and eventually she left him with a fan. Thankfully the fan was smart enough to bring him to security.” 

“Is this the same fan you eventually hired?” 

“In fact yes, she is, and she’s done a remarkable job.” 

“Are you dating her now?”

How people found out was beyond me but I was under oath.

“She is technically my fiancé. We will be married very soon.” 

He smiled and then excused himself. Mrs. Fernbank got up and smiled.

“You’re fiancé’s name is Cassandra, correct?” 

“Yes.”

“How long has she worked for you?” 

“She was my employee, yes. But she isn’t anymore.” 

“When did she stop being an employee?”

“Christmas, when I asked her to be my wife.”

“How long has your son been in her care?” 

“She started out as a babysitter and in late August she became a live-in nanny, our personal relationship developed after she moved in.”

“How is she with your son?”

“Phenomenal? He had colic when I hired her and she was able to calm him down quickly, easily even. She’s taken very good care of him when I was working. She watched him at the studio in my office until she moved in and now it depends.” 

“I’m done your honor.” 

“Rebuttal?” he asked.

She nodded and they changed positions.

“Is there a reason why you asked her to be your wife? Ms. Rosen indicated you were with your prior girlfriend for over three years before asking, yet this Cassandra is less than six months?” 

“Because I love her? Because I want to spend the rest of my life with her? Is that not enough of a reason?” 

“Ms. Rosen’s cousin informed her during the break that she saw you with the baby and a woman at the OBGYN office in town just last week. I saw this woman last month at the first hearing, she doesn’t look as if she needs an OB appointment.”

“The reason a woman visits the OBGYN is for multiple reasons. But, if you absolutely want to know something not related to my son then we were there because she is pregnant and expecting my baby. Unlike Ms. Rosen she provided the proof when she told me, unlike Ms. Rosen she has given me the chance to be part of the pregnancy and not have to worry about the safety or well-being of the baby.”

“Will you be able to effectively care for two children?”

I looked right at him. “Yes. I have the support of my family and friends and I also have the support of my soon to be wife.”

He sat back down and she released me, but the room grew quiet. She excused herself from the room but we had to wait, fuck I wish Cassie was here. I felt like I was going to just faint and if she reinstated her rights I was positive I would. She returned to her bench 40 minutes later and addressed us both.

“I would like to see something before I make a final decision.”

She nodded to the person standing to the side and they left the room, returning with Cassandra who was holding Joshua but he was covered. I was confused and looked at her.

“What is she doing here?” 

“It’s okay Zac.” 

“Mr. Hanson I am aware that at the moment he is in your custody and decisions must go through you as his parent. I would like for him to see his mother.” 

The answer I wanted to give her was hell no, that Cassie should take him right back out right now. But, I wasn’t stupid and I knew that was the wrong decision. 

“I am okay with her seeing him, as long as Cassandra holds him.”

“I can arrange for the officer.” 

“That’s fine.” I said. 

She nodded and she instructed Megan to come forward and the officer took Joshua from Cassandra who was standing at the end of the table. Cassandra looked downright pissed off to be this close and not able to say or do anything. Megan looked so uncomfortable being that close. But I could see the way she looked at him, contempt. I dug my nails into my palm to keep from saying anything.

“Can I hold him?” She asked.

She’s looked at the judge who looked at me and again so badly did I want to say no but I only nodded because I was afraid the words would disagree with me. If I thought Cassie looked mad before, fuck she looked a bit homicidal at the moment! But we couldn’t stop her from taking him from the officer. Yet the way she held him was stiff and strained. She said something along the lines of she was his mama but Joshua just stared at her, confused. She kept talking to him but the tone of her voice was too loud, to strained, I could tell she was faking every word and action. 

Joshua started looking around at the other people and even back at us.

“Mama.” He said.

Megan looked happy and I heard Taylor and Isaac both gasp because we all knew who he was referring to. She smiled and tried to play a little more, probably thinking he knew her and meant her.

“Mama…”

“Mama has you, honey.” Megan said.

She moved her finger across his face but he pulled away and called for mama again. Cassie was doing very well standing there but I was struggling to stay here. She kept trying to get his attention.

“I’m your mother, I’m right here.”

Her tone of voice was anger, louder than it needed to be and something he wasn’t use to. He looked at her for only a moment before his lips pouted out and the corners turned down. She didn’t seem to care, just kept telling him. He twisted around and he saw Cassie and that little pout yanked at my heart. He said mama and when Cassie didn’t move he started crying. Megan tried to bounce but it was too rough, she tried to talk but he just kept getting louder and he kept asking for his mama. He tried to turn and was reaching for Cassie and she nearly dropped him! Both Cassie and I moved to get him but admittedly she was faster here. Taking him from her quickly and bringing him back to the table. She kept him turned away.

“Ms. Parker.” The judge said.

“I’m not going to let him cry and reach for me. Nor will I stand by and allow her to drop him.” 

The judge seemed perplexed but didn’t say anything, yet he did cry for about ten minutes until he was secure in that she wouldn’t be putting him down. Megan made no effort no come over to him, no effort to stop her from taking him and as he cried she sat at the table and picked at her nails. The judge spent ten minutes reviewing whatever she had in front of her and fuck would she ever say what her verdict was?!

She finally leaned forward. “Mr. Hanson, it is clear to me that you have taken very good care of your son the past six and a half months. He is healthy, has been to all of his required appointments, he’s eating well and happy. It is also clear that you selected someone that not only just watches him but clearly loves him as if he was hers and he obviously has a strong connection with her as well.”

I nodded and she turned to Megan.

“Ms. Rosen I admire your attempt to reestablish your rights. The home inspection showed no issues and things were put where they should be.” 

She paused and I could see Megan brighten up, but she had said her ‘attempt’, that didn’t sound promising to me!

“However, I am not here to look out for the parents emotions, I am here to make sure that that little boy grows up in a safe and loving environment. The rehab facility you were in did a drug test upon your admission and you tested positive, testimony showed that you were fully aware of your pregnancy at that time. In addition, the facility provided the notes and nowhere did they mention they discussed your options. You took cocaine while in labor with this baby, you could have killed him with such a dose.”

She was starting to see where this was going…

“I am not reinstating your parental rights. You have not proven that your desire to regain rights is because you believe he needs a mother or that your rights were violated before the papers were filed. I am ruling that full custody remain with the father, Mr. Zachary Hanson, and that Ms. Megan Rosen’s rights are not reestablished.”

“Your honor.” He said.

“Counselor, my ruling is final. While the home inspect was good, there is more than enough evidence that your client knew whom the father was and could have at any time, brought him proof. She chose to do drugs during her pregnancy and disregard the safety and wellbeing of her baby. She chose to do them when she was in labor. While I do feel bad for her family members that lose the rights to their grandson or family member, your client should have considered that prior to filing. Mr. Hanson made the offer, two lawyers witnessed his attempt and her response was calling her son a bastard? Even now, she showed contempt for her own child, disregarded his cries, and chose to pick her nails instead of showing any concerns. You are welcome to file an appeal, but my ruling is final. Court dismissed.”

The hammer sounded loud and Joshua just clung to her. We remained seated until Megan and her side were gone, she looked pissed off. I figure they would appeal, but I wasn’t worried. We finally got to leave and everyone was happy and elated that she didn’t get him.

“Did she really call him a bastard?” Harper asked.

“More than once.” 

She looked at Cassie. “I am so glad he calls you mama.” 

“You and me both.”

She retrieved his things from the room and we all headed to celebrate, getting an early dinner and then we headed home. He was safe from her. We sat down with him.

“If he ever asks, would you tell him about her or find her for him?” She asked.

I considered that. “If he asks me about her, then yes. I will explain what I know but I will give her the chance and opportunity to explain. But, he calls you Mama, not her.” 

“One day he’ll say Dada.” 

I rolled my eyes. “Sure.” 

And yet, not ten minutes later those very words came from his lips. Way to make me melt all over again and I just snuggled him, smothered him in kisses and love. We fixed a super light dinner around 7:30 and then got in bed early, he’d napped but not long enough and was getting cranky. Added, she was complaining of a headache so sleep was needed!

It wouldn’t be long before the woman laying beside me, carrying my second child, would be my wife. I’d come home to her and them, come home to a family. When he was born I wasn’t sure anyone would ever love me and him both, that I wouldn’t find any woman that would take a single father. Fate gave me Cassandra and I was really happy about that.

She and Joshua had fallen asleep quickly, I had laid there thanking my stars for them both before I fell asleep.


	44. Be Mine

POV: Zac / Cassandra 

Word Count: 3737

February 16, 2007

I found it ironic that Cassie had another sonogram done on Valentine’s Day, but our baby was doing well. Our baby. I rather loved hearing the our part and being able to attend these appointments were so nice as well. I felt informed and not like I was just lost like with Joshua. The doctor did narrow down her due date to the eighteenth of August, putting her at thirteen weeks and five days today. 

I had been shocked when I opened that present and it really hadn’t hit home until late January that I was going to be the father of two children before the end of the year. They would be fourteen months apart! It was totally not what I had ever thought that I wanted, but I really do. I loved Joshua and seeing him grow and change was amazing and I couldn’t wait.

She was not here when I woke up, but I did not expect her to be. She was at Saphira’s house and would meet me at the church today at three pm. I didn’t think she would want February as our wedding month, considering she had lost her daughter three years ago this month. I had never asked the day but she assured me it was not today. But, waking up alone today was enough to tell me that she was the right choice. I really had missed her being home last night and having her here to just snuggle with this morning. I finally got myself up and motivated and when I checked on Joshua, I found him sitting up in his crib.

“Dada.” 

“Morning little man!”

He squealed at me and I got him up and got the wet diaper off and a dry one, but left his pajamas on right now. Dada…who knew that one word would mean so much to me. Would validate that while no one agreed with my choices to begin with, they were worth it. It was worth every argument, every time I felt alone, every disagreement, one simple word made it worth it. I took him down with me and got breakfast for us both. I then let him loose to play. 

Why was I waking up alone? Well…We’d talked about the wedding and while a month and a half was short, it was what we both wanted. She didn’t want to be six or seven months along and be showing and I didn’t want to wait that long. I’d had a long conversation about her jumping from Calvin to me, but she assured me she was fine. 

The planning part we had done together, we had chosen red and white for the theme because it was close to Valentine’s day. We selected Amaryllis in white and two-toned red and white colors, red and white roses, and geraniums in white. I was sure some baby’s breath would be included.

“Joshua, no. We don’t play with that.” 

He was trying to push buttons on the VCR and DVD player. I got him distracted with another toy. 

She had gone with my mom, her mother, and Saphira to choose both her dress and the bridesmaids dresses. She refused to show me her dress or any part of it and it had gone home with Saphira. The bridesmaids dresses were red, the top bodice had lace in a flower pattern and then from the waist down it was straight cuts, there was a split in the left side but it was fine. Harper and Alicia had loved it because they and Saphira were serving as bridesmaids for the wedding. 

Taylor, Isaac, and Clayton were my groomsmen and their tuxedos were black with white shirts and red bow ties, they also had the red little cloths in the pocket. My tux was simple as well with a red shirt and black bow tie. I had left Joshua’s up to her and she found a one piece suit with snap legs that made it seem like he had a shirt that was tucked in and it had a black jacket. He still had his patent leather shoes to go with it and even a bow tie.

I sat down on the floor with him at 9:45, Taylor and Isaac would be arriving soon and I knew I didn’t have much time to get my last surprise for her. I stood him up.

“You ready to make her your mama for real?”

He smiled and laughed, bounced. I was disappointed in Megan, I didn’t understand how or why she was the way she was but I know that in the long run Cassandra was the right choice. I did love Maddilyn, but she wasn’t the person I wanted now. I had never told Cassie what the money from her engagement ring had paid for but I would tonight.

About 10:30 I got us both and got us showered and cleaned up, I went ahead and put my dress pants on but I just slipped a generic grey t-shirt on until I was done with the morning. I slipped another sleeper on Joshua and got his hair brushed out, his hair had gotten longer in the last few months and she refused to let me cut it. I had to admit the little curls were cute, even if brushing them was a pain. Taylor and Isaac arrived at 11. 

“Are you excited?” Taylor asked.

“I am.” 

“Did you two do anything Valentines?” Isaac asked.

“Yes, her parents came here and sat with him while we got to have a very nice and romantic dinner.”

“Are you going to be able to do anything this weekend? I mean I know you aren’t leaving town.” 

“We will wait until the baby is here to do any formal honeymoon, probably once the tours end. But, her parents are keeping Joshua for the weekend and we’re just going to have some time just us. It’s also incase he won’t stay overnight with them. He won’t stay with Mom and Dad, they were going to keep him Sunday night and I had to go get him about one in the morning, he wouldn’t stop crying.” 

“He’s got to get use to us and we understand that. Everyone is going to try to make an effort to be more involved with him and come around more. Especially with her being pregnant.” 

“She’ll definitely need the help and Mom’s watched him a few times for her to go to class.” 

“Are you excited about being a dad again?” 

“You know I was nervous at first, but seeing that between the two of us Joshua is safe and happy and taken care of. I believe we can, she’s got experience with children from the daycare. So, she is the more experienced one but I know what it’s like to have him alone.” 

“Alicia was shocked she asked her to be a bridesmaid.” 

“Harper was shocked too.” Taylor said.

“I would expect them to be, but she really doesn’t talk to people. She has met some new people at her classes. Ironically she is not that quiet there, and it’s good for her.” 

“No issues from Megan?” 

I sighed. “She appealed twice, two separate judges reviewed it and both came to the same conclusion. The second one actually recalled Reed and the lawyer along with two of hers. He told her no bueno. They wanted me to bring Joshua back but I told them no.”

“Her ex still staying away?” 

“He sent her a text message in late January, asked her to reconsider and she told him not to ever text again. He hasn’t said or done anything else since.” 

“Good, you two deserve to move on.” 

We started to get ready and I packed Joshua’s overnight bags because they were taking him from the church. We left the house at noon and got to the church, once we were there Avery took Joshua and got him ready to go, he was our ring bearer and she was the flower girl. He was however with us until closer to time. I made sure I had our rings, I had chosen them perfectly as the rings were my responsibility while the cake was hers. So, I didn’t know what the cake looked like, she didn’t know what the rings looked like.

Our wedding bands were simple silver bands, she had requested no large diamonds. What made them special was when they were side by side, the little cut outs made a perfect puzzle piece. We fit each other like a puzzle, complimenting each other and she fit into my life as I fit into hers. Joshua and the baby would make us complete, they brought us together. 

The closer to three it became, the more nervous I was. My dad was standing with me at the moment, because Taylor and the others were in the back with her.

“I know my timing sucks, but I am proud of you son.” 

I turned and looked at him, had he just said that?!

He smiled at me. “I’m not saying this isn’t quick in my opinion, but I am proud of you. You really did do a lot of growing up and I wish your mother and I had been more active in Joshua’s life before Christmas. But, we love you and we love Joshua and Cassandra and this new baby just as much. Even if we don’t show it.” 

I hugged him. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome, now you got this. Just breathe. She’s not going to run.”

“I hope not!” 

Most of her family had showed up, including ones she hadn’t seen in years because of Calvin. She had done so much to repair my broken family that payback was needed. I had invited them all and in my invite I’d included that she loved them and missed them, that we both wanted them to be part of our family. I was sure her parents had talked to them as well. 

When the music started, I had to take several deep breaths because I was about to faint. My dad had sat down and he just smiled. It didn’t take long for Avery in her pink dress to make it down with Joshua, he’d done more flower tossing than she had, but that was okay. Some of her fellow classmates were serving as photographers even though they were aware they couldn’t be used. It didn’t take long for the wedding party to make it down the aisle.

There was a pause before the traditional wedding march music started. I didn’t know what to expect. But when the doors opened and she came through with her father, that was it. No one else existed in the world to me but her. The dress was absolutely stunning. It had a v-neckline that showed enough cleavage but not too much. I could see a sparkle under the breast but until she was closer I couldn’t make it out, turns out it was bead work in a scroll pattern that ran all around the middle and at the shoulders it extended back to the sheer piece that ran from her shoulders down. The dress was chiffon and tulle and was perfect on her. She’s worn her hair down with some pulled back and clipped with a bright red clip.

She was breathtaking and I accepted her from her father who seemed glad to be handing her to me. 

“You look absolutely stunning.”

She smiled. “You look quite handsome in your suit.”

We turned to the preacher who smiled at us.

**-Cassandra- 8:00 am**

Waking up in a super strange room without Joshua here or without Zac was so weird. I hated waking up alone though. I laid there staring at the ceiling for over thirty minutes, I was getting married today. Again. 

When the door opened I turned and Saphira smiled. “I was wondering if you were awake.” 

“I woke up at eight. So strange without Zac and without Joshua.” 

She came in and sat down on the bed. “Yeah, but after today you get to wake up to them every day for the rest of your life. And after a few more months you get an extra little person.” 

I smiled but didn’t say anything and she frowned. “Cassie? What’s up? Please tell me you aren’t second guessing now.” 

I sat up, keeping the sheet mostly over me. “I’m not second guessing but I am wondering if things just moved super fast.” 

She smiled. “I really don’t think it did. Why do you think it did?” 

“You know we’ve only been officially dating for four months? Yet, we’re getting married.” 

“My parents dated for weeks before they got married, I have one friend that dated her man for like a month. The duration of your relationship does not really matter. It’s what you feel in here.” 

Her fingers indicated my heart area.

“You weren’t worried about things before. Come on, he hasn’t hit you. He chose you over Maddilyn, that’s huge to me Cassie. He had a history with her and was clearly wanting to marry her but when she came crawling back, he chose you. His family is improving and you’ve done a lot to help repair that family.”

“I know.”

“Are you having second thoughts on the date? I know you lost her in February, is that why you chose today?” 

“No. I lost her on the tenth of February. I didn’t want some cliché like Valentines but I chose today because it’s just a day. There was no specific reason. I’m not having second thoughts and I really do want to be there I just…part of me is hesitant because everything was fine with Calvin until we got married.” 

She scooted over and moved some hair from my face.

“Zachary is not that asshole. He never will be. Once you are his wife he will probably do everything in his power to make sure you, Joshua and this little baby are all happy and taken care of. He loves you. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I promise you if he turns out to be like Calvin, then I will make damn sure you walk away from this marriage with custody of Joshua and any children you have. But, I don’t think I’ll ever have to do that.” 

I smiled at her. “I could always show up late.” 

She laughed. “No. I’m not scaring the man that badly.” 

“Fun sucker.” 

“Breakfast is ready and then we’ll head to the church.” 

I nodded and she headed out, I went ahead and showered and then got breakfast. We hadn’t done the bachelor or bachelorette parties, didn’t feel they were needed. The reception would even be simple, the tablecloths were white with a smaller red one across the top, centerpieces were the flowers arranged in various orders. The flowers in the church were the same way. End pews had ribbons and we’d done catering as well. 

I really hope he liked the cake though, I’d looked at a dozen designs and came across a very simple four tier cake. Each layer was wrapped in white ribbon and there were white butterflies and little white designs sparsely applied. I’d transferred the butterfly theme to the tables as well with smaller ones in the centerpieces. After we had eaten we headed to the church and I began to get ready. It would take longer to get me both ready and in that dress. Harper and Alicia met us there and so did my parents. 

“Alright, old, borrowed, new and blue what do we have?” Saphira asked.

“My underwear is blue, so is the garter belt. Diana let me borrow the white choker with the silver heart pendant. It is hers.” 

“New?” She asked.

“I have a new bracelet, little dangling for my taste but it’s new.” 

“We have nothing old?” 

My mom smiled. “I have that covered.” 

“You do?” I asked.

“I brought your great grandmother’s hair clip, it’s red so it’ll fit with the theme. It would do nicely to clip just a bit back.” 

“I suppose that no one else but you and Dad are coming?” 

Mom smiled at me. “Most everyone is here honey, you maybe the fixer in Zac’s family but he is the fixer in yours. He sent them invitations and included personalized notes. Impressed your father.” 

“He did what?” 

“I think he felt it was important for you that they be here. I guess he doesn’t expect you to need a third wedding here. He said he wanted them in your life and the kids’. By the way, I saw Joshua a little while ago and that little tuxedo is to die for.” 

“Subject change, nice move Mom. Not working. Who is here?” 

“All of your aunts and uncles, most of your cousins. Annabelle couldn’t make it, she’s doing an internship for a company and it’s in Europe. She said that if they toured there you had to come.” 

“I don’t know their schedule right now and I don’t know if I’ll be going.” 

Harper and Alicia laughed. “You will be, Zac’s basically laid down the law that unless you physically couldn’t or didn’t want to they should expect you there.” 

“Oh…well…I wasn’t aware of that!” 

The red dresses on them looked very nice. Saphira helped me get dressed and when I came out of the bathroom my parents just stopped, and stared. 

“No! No tears allowed! You make me cry and I’ll have to fix my make up!” 

Not that it mattered, because it was already too late.

“We didn’t think we’d see this day Cassandra.” 

“I know.” 

The girl that was taking pictures, Emily, smiled and kept taking pictures. At 2:45 we lined up in the hallway, Joshua was adorable in that tuxedo. Avery’s dress was perfect and Emily got a couple more pictures here. Before they went to the front.

“Hey Tay.” I said.

He turned and looked around Clayton and Saphira, so he could see me. “Yes?” 

“He is here right?” 

He smiled. “He’s standing right where he should be Cassie. Been standing there twenty minutes waiting on us.” 

“Sure?” 

“Yes.” 

I was certain that when the music started my nerves just doubled, tripled, maybe even hit a level I’d never experienced before. But my dad was able to stave that off.

“It’s okay, buttercup. This is where you should be. Take a deep breath, exhale slowly.”

“What if…” 

His finger landed gently over my lips. “Shh, no more what if’s Cassie. You went to that show for a reason, fate brought you two together for a reason. You deserve to have a man that loves you and treats you like he does. You deserve to have that degree and do your own thing. Now, let’s move before he thinks you ran on him.” 

I smiled. “He’d probably just chase me down.” 

“Probably? No, buttercup, he’d be waiting on you to get there.” 

The music was our cue and he hadn’t lied, most of my family was here. Cousins I hadn’t seen in years, uncles that I hadn’t seen. But it all just faded out, he was standing there and I know his eyes focused on me, that they didn’t venture or move. 

It was my father’s dream to give me away and he looked so happy to be handing me over to Zac.

“You look absolutely stunning.”

I smiled. “You look quite handsome in your suit.”

We turned to the preacher who smiled at us. The actual ceremony itself was quick and when he presented the rings I smiled. They were perfect for us. Once the ceremony was over there were pictures of course and then the reception. It was nice that I got to see my family and most didn’t even know Zac and I were expecting either. Joshua did very well and I was confident that he would be fine with my parents for the weekend. They were in a rented apartment not far from us for the moment, the house in Florida was up for sale and they were looking around town. Although, Dad was liking the no yard work aspect to the apartment.

The reception went super well even though I couldn’t drink and he didn’t have many. My parents left at 7 and we left about 8:30, with a few others. He insisted on carrying me inside and I was fine with that. 

“Welcome home Mrs. Hanson.” 

“Oh...I can get use to that, but right now I want this dress off along with this suit of yours.”

Didn’t have to tell him twice and I couldn’t deny that laying here beside him hours later wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

“I rather expected some cosmic change…”

I giggled. “No cosmic changes.”

He reached and got something from beside the bed, moving my comfortable spot! 

“You wanted to ask in December, but you didn’t. When I told you that I got rid of the other ring.” 

“What you did with the money is your business Zac.” 

He handed me a set of papers, professional looking ones. “What’s this?” 

“Your wedding gift.” 

I looked at him confused but then I read the papers, they were formal adoption papers that would grant me the same rights to Joshua that he had. 

“Are these…” 

“I wish you were his biological mother, but this is the next best thing. According to everyone he will be your son. It’ll help when I’m not home because you can make any decision needed for him.” 

“Are you sure this is what you want? This is…not a small step.” 

“No. It’s not small. But, it is what I want. I want him to be happy and you do that Cassie. He loves you and I have all the confidence in the world that you will make the best decisions for him just as I would. This is what I used the money for, to pay for the papers and fees. I’m sure about this decision.” 

I kissed him. “I’ll be honored to be his mother.”

He smiled and kissed me and I just cuddled into his arms. Mrs. Hanson, I get to go through all the paperwork to change my name and then get to file to be his mother. I couldn’t ask for a better day. I fell asleep sometime after one, his arms wrapped around me. 

 

Bridesmaid's

Cake & Rings

Zac's Tux with some changes to the shirt as noted in the chapter. 

and finally.....

Cassandra's wedding dress. 


	45. Broken Nose

POV: Cassandra 

Word Count: 2321

March 10, 2007

Seventeen weeks, I was approaching the time when I originally learned I was pregnant before and just a few weeks more before her heart beat ceased. To say that I was mildly scared may be a huge understatement. Calvin and his mother blamed me, I had done something to cause the loss. Nothing he had done had caused the problems. 

Dr. Steele had made major threats to obtain the paperwork. There was no known cause but the doctor noted that the placenta had not been attached to the uterine wall, recounting back I had left because he’d hit me and she couldn’t confirm that that ultimately caused it. It was good to have something more tangible than we don’t know. It also meant she had spent a considerable amount of time making sure that that didn’t happen again, making sure the placenta was well placed and attached. 

But, I’d been Mrs. Hanson for three weeks and I have to admit, it’s been the best ever. Joshua had made it one and a half nights before my Mom called. But that was way more than I expected and honestly we both missed him! The fact that papers were filed for me to become his official Mom was special. I didn’t mind being home with him alone but I wasn’t crazy about him leaving town right now. Thankfully, my parents were in town and now, his family was too. 

But I had him home the rest of the month and then he was going to Ireland and England. I’d slept later than normal as they were both up and downstairs playing before I got up. Then again, I guess extra sleep was a good thing! I went downstairs in my PJ’s and he smiled. 

“Morning.” 

“Morning, what time did he get up?” 

“Six forty five is when he started babbling and woke me up.” 

“Let’s hope he naps well then.” 

“You have breakfast made and we’ve eaten already.”

I got my breakfast and after eating I joined them, we played for hours before Zac mentioned the store and I groaned. 

“Do we have to?” 

“Unfortunately, yes. He needs more diapers and wipes, I think he has four left.” 

He was currently playing with one of the many toys he’d gotten for Christmas, they were great for distraction purposes.

“So..um…where are we putting this one?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well…he or she can’t stay in our room forever. If it’s a boy, fine he can bunk with Joshua. But if it’s not a boy…” 

“Good point shouldn’t this one have a name too?” 

“I’d actually really like to wait for that, just in case.” 

He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “You need to stop worrying about that Cassie. Nothing is going to happen to this baby. She or he will be perfectly fine. Dr. Steele has checked everything and said everything looks fine. She said your blood work back then was completely out of whack and they should have checked you more, it wasn’t your fault.” 

I laid my head over. “But..” 

“Nope. No buts. Not happening. He was an asshole who hit you while you were pregnant Cassie, whether he knew or not is of no consequence to me. He hit you. There is a chance that what he did caused it, I’m not going to be hitting you and no one else will be. Even if something happens, you will not be alone this time. You won’t have her harping on you.” 

“I really wish I could just hit her once. One time is all I want.”

“Violence is not the answer to anything.” 

I raised my eyebrow. “According to who?” 

“Your dad for starters.”

I rolled my eyes. “Means nothing from the man who wants to jump him and stomp his ass.” 

He laughed. “True enough.”

I groaned and he looked puzzled so I turned his head. Joshua was using the table to pull himself up and he was already up on his knees and one foot was on the floor.

“Can I get another two months please?” I asked.

“I guess his bed goes all the way down today…” he said.

“Yep. I guess I need to go change.”

I got up and went upstairs, changed into something comfortable and then we headed out. He did drop by the studio first, finding Isaac and Taylor both there just doing e-mails and making calls. As we were talking to them Joshua fell asleep. 

“Damn, he’s going to wake up and be cranky.” Zac said.

“Leave him here with us. We can leave the door open and use the baby monitor. He has formula and stuff here.” Ike said.

“Are you sure?” Zac asked.

“Yeah, that way you can both get what is needed and not have to worry about him. He’ll also be inside and warm versus outside, plus he won’t get woken up.” 

We did not argue with logic, so after getting his diaper bag from the car for them we headed to the store. It was easier to get into the store and even just shop without needing to entertain Joshua or carry him. Plus, no one could take pictures of him. But neither of us could quite resist the baby section, looking at the options.

“Will we need a lot of stuff like I did with him?” 

“No. Actually, if this baby is a boy most of Joshua’s clothes can be easily worn by this one. You haven’t given anything away. Even if the baby is a girl, a lot of what he used she can too. Bottle wise, we just need new nipples.”

“First ones are expensive!” 

“Well, had the due date been like December then we would have needed to buy more and we may have to get some warmer suits that fit but I think we’ll be fine.” 

“Do you need anything? Pants? Shirts? Underwear?” 

“I’m fine for the moment, I have a lot of stretch pants and loose fitting clothes. I even have room in these pants!” 

We went through the baby section but I didn’t put anything in the cart that wasn’t needed for Joshua. Seventeen weeks was not far enough along in my mind. I am sure Zac understood that concept as well. We finally checked out and headed to the car, we were almost done unloading when Zac realized we’d completely forgotten the wipes. 

“I’ll run back in right quick. Just finish loading and sit.” 

He then took off inside. I finished loading the three bags and took the cart to the rack, I had the door to the truck open and was almost about to get in when it slammed shut! 

“Cassandra.” He said.

I blinked a moment before realizing that the guy that shut the door, nearly on me, was Calvin. 

“We are divorced Calvin. I’m not coming back or anything like that. Just go.”

“Why are you wearing a ring on your finger? You and I are legally divorced and you even had your lawyer give me my ring back.” 

I moved out from between the two cars, that small space wasn’t safe and if I needed to get away from him I wanted freedom to do so.

“It’s none of your business Calvin. I can wear whatever I want, wherever I want. We’re divorced. Judge granted it. I’m not coming back to you. I mean, your mom should be happy. She didn’t think I was good enough for you anyway. She didn’t want me around you Calvin, she wanted me gone. She didn’t care how.” 

“My mother loved you.” 

“No, she didn’t.” 

“You never gave her a chance, she tried to do everything she could to help you and she even made those hard decisions in 2004. Do you think you could have?”

“She was our baby Calvin, not mine and your mother’s. The decision should have been ours.” 

“But you couldn’t form full sentences, let alone decide what was best.” 

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over and done. I’ve moved on and you should too.” 

For a moment it looked like he was going to leave, yet I could see his eyes wander down. Settled on the breast and then keep going. Just because a bunch of random fans couldn’t tell, didn’t mean he wouldn’t.

“You’re pregnant, how far along?”

“Where I am is none of your business Calvin.” 

“It is if the baby could be mine.”

“The baby is not yours. Believe me, I am positive because we were divorced before I got pregnant.”

“But I’m sure you were fucking that bastard before the divorce was even final. Pretty sure you started the birth control so you could just fuck around on me.” 

“I started the birth control because I didn’t want a baby with you.” 

The words just tumbled out of my mouth and the air seemed to grow thick with tension. I’d never even mentioned it, in fact I’d said many times I’d wanted to. All lies. Because having a baby with him following the loss was the last thing I ever wanted.

“You were my wife.” 

“It didn’t matter. After your mother put me with that newborn, after she told me I was responsible for my baby being taken apart and how I couldn’t do anything right it just settled. I didn’t want a baby with you because of her. I didn’t want her around me, let alone my children and I knew that you would never see my view in that. I am sure you can find someone willing to give you a baby, but you need to evaluate your goals of a relationship and how you are in them.” 

“What the hell do you mean by that? You’re the one that kept fucking up.” 

“No. I didn’t fuck up Calvin, you only thought I did and then you’d hit me for it. You should go, you and I have no future.” 

“Of course we do, you can just come with me. We can raise this baby as our own.” 

“That will never happen. Besides, I’m already remarried Calvin. Three weeks ago in a private ceremony and it was what I wanted when we got married. The white dress, the small ceremony and my father giving me away. You ruined all of that because you felt like it wasn’t needed. The real reason was you were just too cheap to do it.” 

I didn’t think he’d ever attempt to hit me in broad daylight with others around, but he drew back to anyway. His fist never touched me, Zac seemed like a ninja coming out of nowhere and just knocked him down. I was momentarily stunned, I hadn’t known Zac was anywhere near us, let alone that he could pull off a spear that well. I just stood there until I could feel his hands on my face.

“Baby? Are you okay? Did he hit you?”

“No…I…where is he?” 

“Fucker got away again, no hits to me. But I am sure his nose might be broken. I just saw him pull back and I couldn’t let him. Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, just…again not use to men doing that with him.” 

He pulled me against him and held on tightly for a few minutes. “As long as I am here, you don’t have to fear anything.” 

“We should head to get him and then home.”

I got a really good kiss here before we got in the truck and left, I asked him not to say anything about it unless of course the police showed. But, I was certain they wouldn’t. Joshua was awake and sitting with Taylor at the keyboard when we got back. Just hitting the keys and smiling. 

Of course coming by the studio meant work, Isaac ran an idea by them while we were here. Thankfully it didn’t last long before we headed back to the house. As we were fixing dinner that afternoon he paused.

“Should we find a bigger place? This was perfect for two and then three, but I don’t know about four.” 

“Two kids, two adults. This place is perfect.” 

“But what if we add?” 

I paused what I was doing and turned to him. “Add?” 

“More than two kids…” 

“Um...exactly how many children did you want?” 

He shrugged. “I never really put a number down. Maddi and I just said we wanted kids, but never discussed numbers. I think though that I would like more than a year between the youngest and the third, maybe two or three. It’s not really healthy for you to have them close together and with our schedule too, I don’t want to overload either of us.”

“I can agree that after this one a few years, but I think for right now this place is perfect. It’s just big enough for four and has plenty of room.”

“I just wondered if it would be easier to move now versus after the baby.” 

“It’s..actually harder for me to move now because I can’t do anything. We will have help so we can wait a while. That way we can fully discuss how many and then determine how big of a place and where.” 

He smiled. “Least you aren’t dead set on here.” 

“I like this place, but I know if we have a third then it won’t be big enough space wise. Although, we could possibly have two each and be fine.” 

He laughed and we finished dinner up. I was giving Joshua some table food, if I boiled the potatoes myself and mixed them I would give them to him, only because I knew there wasn’t excess stuff added. I would also mash up green beans. His teeth had come in normally but he sometimes had problems with green beans that weren’t made by Gerber. We had dinner about 6 and then just settled for the afternoon finally going to bed rather early for us.

  


	46. We're having a...

POV: Cassandra / Zac 

  

April 9, 2007

Zac had released at the end of March that he had gotten married and that he was expecting another baby in the Fall, the rumor mill abound was that I was not only the mother of the new baby but I was also Joshua’s mother. Neither of us felt it was important enough to correct them and in a legal sense he could not tell them who Joshua’s mother really was. The important people knew the truth and that was all that mattered. 

Yet, I had been a nervous wreck the last few weeks. I had lost her around the 20 week mark and I was sitting at 21 weeks and 2 days right now. I could feel this baby move, feel the kicks and little flutters. Especially when I was laying down because I was showing some. Zac had actually felt the baby move last night while I was laying down. 

I knew realistically that even if I didn’t feel movement 24/7, that it didn’t mean anything because babies sleep in the womb too and there could be movements I didn’t feel. I had gotten up earlier than either of them because I had a 7 am class. He was going to meet me at the doctor at 11. I met Emily at the door and we took our seats. She was dying for July because she wanted to take maternity pictures of me. I didn’t have the heart yet to think that far ahead, because she didn’t know about the prior loss.

“You find out the sex today, right?” 

“Yes, we’re supposed too.” 

“Anyone doing a baby shower?” 

“Saphira is doing one at the end of June, after Joshua’s birthday. If this one is a boy, we won’t need much of anything and really, even a girl we don’t need much.” 

“I can’t believe you got pregnant that quick, like does he have super sperm or something?” 

I laughed. “No idea. But, let’s go with after this one if it’s like four times and we’re expecting again, I may have to declare him that way.” 

She laughed and when the class was over she gave me her address for Saphira so she could invite her to the eventual baby shower. It worked out because I was headed to her house anyway. I was let in quickly and she met me at the door but when I didn’t pause to get Joshua she boo’ed me.

“Where is he?” 

“Grandma has him. Zac took him over there this morning before going to the studio. I had to be at class by seven.”

“You could have gone and gotten him before coming over.” 

I rolled my eyes and we went inside with her, once we were inside she couldn’t resist putting her hand over the baby.

“I can feel very small movements.” 

“Yeah, well that small movement to you is like a kidney shot to me.” 

“How are you feeling?” 

“The headaches have gone away but I’m just scared Saphira. 21 weeks.” 

“You’ll be okay.” 

“So, Emily gave me her address for the invites.” 

“I need all of them, do you have that list?” 

“I am working on my cousins! I mean damn woman give me time to reconnect.” 

She laughed. “Work harder. Less sex, more address getting.” 

“I can’t help it! The hormones are just…I didn’t have that with the first one. In fact, sex was the utmost last thing I wanted with her. This one? Fuck, he can look at me the right way and I want to jump him.” 

“Do you really think he minds?”

“Oh hell no, he doesn’t mind at all. Worst part, the studio.” 

“You two had sex at the studio?” 

“He sent Ike and Taylor for lunch…across town. Because I’d asked.” 

“So bad. Don’t you have an appointment today?” 

“Yes. It’s at 3:30 and we should find out the sex today too.” 

“You better call me!” 

“We’re doing this big family meeting tomorrow night to tell everyone after that I can tell everyone else, until then it’s top secret.” 

“Do you have a preference?” 

“I think part of me wants a boy just because I lost a girl. Like, gender was not a factor in what happen but somehow I think it was. But, on the other hand I want a girl because we have a son already.” 

“You want to know what’s odd, when you told me about Calvin you said you couldn’t leave Joshua. I guess you were right. Joshua needed you and so did his daddy.”

“Yeah, but you also kept telling me to pursue the daddy!” 

“Glad you did! Was he happy that this pregnancy wasn’t a result of one night?” 

“Definitely, he’s really excited, even though we both know it won’t be easy to have a newborn and a fourteen month old.” 

“Joshua is the best behaved baby I’ve ever seen.” 

“He’s getting a little less behaved, he’s moving more and now that he’s also pulling up it’s less behaved.” 

“You two got this.” 

She had a fruit and veggie tray which between us both we polished them off. We also talked about the baby shower and what I wanted and didn’t want. We set up a registry but for the moment, nothing was really added but the new nipples, because I didn’t know if we needed anything or not.

“Do you have an idea for a take home suit?” 

“Oh, Zac has informed me he would like to use the same suit Joshua wore home. He still has it and it’s perfect for either sex.” 

“Good. So…what is he doing car wise?” 

I sighed. “He keeps telling me my car isn’t really safe. He had Reed check it and he agreed, it’s just old and Calvin didn’t really upkeep it right. Reed wants to buy it and he wants to get me another one. Something safer for both me and the kids.” 

“I think he’s right. But, do you want a car?” 

“I don’t know honestly. But, right now we don’t have time to look really. Apparently, I am going to Ireland and England.” 

“No way.” 

“We leave Wednesday to go to Dublin, as long as the doctor doesn’t say no that is, we do plan to ask.”

“You’ll have a great time I know you will.” 

“I’ll get to visit my cousin too, Annabelle. She’s going to come to a show.” 

“You better take tons of pictures.” 

“I am, my next class starts after but she gave me some of the assignments, I can accomplish them while we’re traveling. It’ll be a great experience for both me and Joshua.” 

“Agreed.” 

“I think you should get an SUV or something mid-range. But, definitely look into that when you have time.” 

I giggled. “I will, I do like smaller cars though. However, I may look to the future because two is apparently less than he wanted.” 

She laughed. “Of course.” 

We talked, goofed off and I left her house in time to make it to the appointment a little bit early. Zac got there a few moments after I did.

“Where is Joshua?” 

“Mom still has him. She said I should attend this one without needing to chase him around.” 

“Makes sense to me.” 

We headed inside and got checked in and even had the routine blood work, height, weight, and all that stuff. The exam part went fine and then we were moved into the sonogram room. 

“You are shaking.” He said.

“I’m honestly scared, they did this last time and then I lost her. I just…I keep saying everything is fine and I see the doctor’s reports but I can’t eliminate the possibility.” 

I felt his lips on my cheek. “You will be fine.” 

**-Zac-**

She smiled at me. “You aren’t necessarily not shaking.” 

It was true, I was trembling a bit myself. “Last time I was here I wasn’t in this room. I was in another room watching a black and grey image with no explanations. I didn’t get told anything.” 

“I told you, every appointment right here. You are just as involved with this. I wish you could have gotten this with him.” 

“Me too.” 

The lady came in and greeted us, it wasn’t the transvaginal this time, just cold gel to the tummy. Much like with Joshua’s anatomy sonogram the technician identified arm bones, head, spine, legs, hands, and feet. Only this time she indicated it and I knew what it was before she labeled it. She got a really good image of the face.

“I think your nose and lips for sure.” Cassie said.

“No no, this one needs to be a mini you. I have a mini me already!” 

“Would you like to know what you are having?” 

“Please.” She said.

She moved the wand around, apparently he or she had moved.

“Stubborn little one.” 

She kept moving it, sometime moving it side to side quickly. She finally got a somewhat decent picture and froze it. She labeled two thighs, then put an arrow at what to me looked like just three lines.

“It’s a girl. You can see the three little lines here, that would indicate girl.” 

“Are you sure?” Cassie asked.

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

A girl. We were going to have a daughter. But, I knew that it wasn’t quite what she wanted because of the loss. But she had heard the very strong heartbeat and everything looked fine. The girl did one last thing, she checked to make sure the placenta was still in the same spot as it was last time. 

“Is that where it was last time?” I asked.

“It does seem to be in the same area, it’s hard to determine exactly, but I feel confident that it hasn’t moved and hasn’t detached.” 

The last part of the appointment was talking to the doctor. Where Cassie asked about flying and traveling. She was told it was fine but she shouldn’t overdo it and she should see a doctor there if anything felt abnormal. I was glad she’d be able to go because I wanted her to experience traveling and new places. We finished up the appointment and she made the next one before we headed outside. 

We were almost to the truck when I heard my name, we both turned because well, she knew Maddilyn’s voice as well.

“I didn’t think it was really you!” 

“Yeah, it’s me.” 

She looked at Cassie and her eyes dipped casually. “Cassie.” 

“Maddi.” She said.

“I um…guess you weren’t lying when you made that post.” 

“No, I wouldn’t lie about that. You should know that.” 

“She’s what? A few weeks?” 

“I’m at 21 weeks, found out right before Christmas.”

I wasn’t stupid and I could tell Maddi connected the dots quickly. Right before meant the day she came to the house, Cassie was already pregnant. She also wasn’t stupid, had I gone back and Cassie told me, I would have left her again. Not that I was that stupid, Cassie is where I belonged.

“I um…I’m happy for you Zac. As much as I wish it was me, I am glad that you were able to find someone that loves you like you deserve.” 

“Thank you. I do wish you the same, you deserve that.” 

“I’m trying! But I gotta get inside for my check-up. I graduate in May. I would like it if you could be there. You helped me a lot with classes and encouraged me to finish. I’d even like for Cassie to be there if she wants to be.” 

“We’ll consider it but let me know when and where. I will have to make sure band stuff isn’t scheduled.” 

“Not a problem.” 

She headed inside and I looked at Cassie, who seemed fine.

“I think we should go, at least you should.” 

“I won’t go without you. But, we’ll see.” 

“You want to head home?” I asked.

“I need to relieve your mom if I do, are you going back to the studio?” 

“I am.” 

She handed me the keys to her car and we split up. I headed back to the studio where both Taylor and Isaac were waiting by the door.

“You know I can’t tell you until tomorrow night.” 

“Can we guess?” Taylor asked.

“You can, but I’m not going to confirm or deny either. But, Cassie is cleared to go with us, the doctor told her to not overdo it and if anything odd happened to see a doctor.” 

“She’ll be fine Zac. Girl? Boy?” 

I just looked at him. “I’ll tell you tomorrow night.”

We did get what we needed to done and then I headed home, when I came in I was struck with how different my life was now, compared to this time last year. I had moved out in February and spent many weeks coming home to an empty house. At first it was just an air mattress and my thoughts, then it was empty bed and empty house. 

Yet now when I came in Joshua would head right to me, often calling my name. Today was no different and I knew this time next year, two little ones would be! Often the house smelled wonderful because Cassie believed in cooking at home and god love her Mom for teaching her how to cook! It was rarely quiet now, unless Joshua was asleep. I’d felt alone last time and now, I wasn’t alone.

I picked Joshua up and smothered him in kisses and hugs before heading to the kitchen. I gave her kisses and hugs too. 

“Dinner’s almost done, just a few more minutes.” 

I smiled and played with Joshua a bit until she had his ready and then we sat down for dinner. It was nice..this was nice. Once we were done with dinner I cleaned up, sending her to sit down. We discussed over dinner some car options, I was not liking the way hers sounded. While I was on tour it wouldn’t be a big deal, so we had some time to really find one that would work for us.

When I sat down in the living room I put my arm around her.

“Are you okay with a girl?” 

“I’ll be fine with either sex, as long as they are born healthy. I’m sure that I’ll be fine when I get a few more weeks behind me.”

“Well, we’ll have our son and our daughter.” 

“We will. But, we do need to think about giving her the spare room and making it more girly.” 

“Yep. He’s not old enough for his own bed, is he?” 

“Not yet, if he tries to climb out of the crib then yes. Usually it was around fifteen or more months before we saw that at the daycare. So, you got time.” 

“His bed converts anyway.” 

“We don’t need much for her room, a crib and a new dresser. The closet is big enough. The bed there, I don’t know what to do with it.” 

“There is overhead storage in the garage but the mattress won’t last long. I’ll ask Mom if she can use it.” 

“Well, my parents may could use it. I’ll ask them too.” 

“We can fix her room when we get back.”

“Agreed.”

She found a movie and since it was more cartoony, Joshua got up in her lap and watched some of it. We headed to bed at about the same time. 


	47. Cousin Love

> POV: Cassandra

  

April 20, 2007 

Zac and I both were super grateful that this flight was pleasant, we had a brief layover but nothing major. Joshua had slept and played for most of it, no screaming and no fussiness. It had been a good flight and we were hoping the return flight would be the same. I’d never been to any of these places, but they had, so of course to me all the places were impressive. Ireland and Scotland had been green, expansive, and we had managed to get one day to visit some castles and stuff. England was the biggest part and even though Zac had to go to work, Joshua and I got some days like today.

I had come ahead of them, they were playing in Manchester tomorrow night but I came to London early so Annabelle and I could have some time to hang out. I was a little nervous about being alone with Joshua here and being pregnant at twenty-two weeks, but I wasn’t doing anything alone so I felt okay coming ahead. He was just a few hours away too. 

Joshua and I had gotten up rather early, so he was fed and dressed in appropriate clothing, which for today was pants and a long sleeve. I’d gone with pants myself which he’d bought me maternity pants and I was so glad. I think I gained twenty pounds in a week! She called me from the lobby and I gave her the room number. When the knock occurred I checked and opened the door.

I knew the moment I opened it, this may not have been the best idea. She was wearing dark blue jeans and had a Hanson shirt on. It was from the 2005 Underneath tour and she also had a side bag with the same theme, clearly another item add in the necklace and ring and I wondered if I shouldn’t have invited her.

“Cassandra! My god you got taller! You were like eight when we left.” 

“I did get taller, but you didn’t.” 

I saw her eyes move down and while I wasn’t super huge, I was showing. I stepped aside so she could come inside.

“So, you and the baby okay?” 

“We are, it’s been kind of tiring here.” 

“Mama!” Joshua called.

I moved. “I’m here, I didn’t leave.”

When she came around the corner he made a beeline to me and I picked him up.

“Mama?” She asked.

“Annabelle this is Joshua, he’s our son.”

“But…no one said you had two.” 

“Joshua isn’t my son biologically, but Zac and I filed for me to be his legal mother. I’ve been in his life since he was three weeks old. When he started talking mama was his first word and he said that to me. We didn’t correct it.” 

“Well, I’d read he had a son but I really didn’t think it was true.” 

“It is.”

“He looks so much like Zac, it’s uncanny. Clearly his.” 

“I know you’re my family but I have to say it. You can take pictures all you want, but pictures of Joshua cannot be posted without Zac approving them first. He doesn’t approve very many.” 

“I’ve noticed that there hardly is any of him. Speaking of…where are they?” 

“Manchester, they have a show tomorrow. They’ll be arriving sometime late tomorrow.” 

She frowned. “They’re not here?” 

“Nope. You have me and him today.” 

“I won’t see them then until Sunday. Boo!”

“Sorry Cuz.”

“I’ll live I suppose. Picture wise I can post of you and I right?” 

“Yep. As long as Joshua isn’t in them.” 

“Ok. I understand that requirement and don’t blame him.”

She sat down and I got Joshua to interact with her a bit, which helped him be more comfortable with her. 

“My mom told me about your first baby, how are you doing with this one?” 

“I’m right at the same time frame where I lost her. But, I’ve not had any of the same problems and I can feel her move, so I’m not freaking out.” 

“Her? You’re having a girl?” 

“Yep. We told everyone the day after the appointment, Mom and Dad are excited and his family is too. They were happy to have one of each.” 

“I’m sure you’ll be fine, I mean Calvin was just a bastard in my opinion. I hate to say it but I was kind of glad you had no children with him that are here. I’m glad that you can just be free of him and not have to deal with him. I guess you have to deal with Joshua’s mom.” 

“She’s not in the picture and will never be. That’s all I can say.” 

“Her loss, Joshua is better with you.” 

“So, I’m getting hungry. What is the plan?” 

“Well, I was thinking pubs and bars but didn’t realize you’d have a baby with you, least not one that could crawl and move. So, let’s revise and maybe the zoo? Aquarium? They are awesome here, most the same animals as you have at home though.” 

“Well, we haven’t taken him to any, so perfect in my opinion.” 

We headed out and the first thing was getting food, which Joshua ate with us even though I had to order something he could eat. She just watched us interact and smiled. From there we went to the Zoo, I rented a stroller because I didn’t know if he’d let her carry him and I couldn’t carry him for hours. We started out with the right side which included a small aquarium and then the reptiles and tigers. He adored the fish, was pretty indifferent with the reptiles. The tigers though?! He got down next to the glass and I kneeled with him. I got a really good picture of him reaching up to the big ass tiger in front of him. But, she sent me the one of us, perfect and I attached it to a message.

_Uh……Joshua wants to know if we can take him home with us?!_

We were still sitting here when I got a response from Zac.

**_Can you PLEASE tell me there is SOMETHING between him and that Tiger?! And no…no we cannot bring that home with us!!!!_ **

_It’s a Zoo honey – there is a three inch thick piece of solid glass between them. You know I may not get him to move…We’ve been sitting here for ten minutes already…_

**_Gonna say it… it’s not my fault!_ **

_Nope. But you’re daughter isn’t being to kind to my kidney or my ribs today._

**_:- \ Sorry, if it helps…I rather walked right off the stage today for sound check. Tay and Ike are glad it’s not that high._ **

_Are you okay?_

**_Yes. Bruised side but I’m fine._ **

I sent him a few more pictures before we moved, thankfully he didn’t scream to stay. We walked around the back side with Camels, farm animals, meerkats, and lemurs. Joshua seemed to be fine with them all, entranced by most.

“Are you still freaked out about bugs and creepy crawlies?” 

“No. Calvin rather got me over that.” 

“Not sure I want to ask how.” 

“Probably better you didn’t.”

We went through the Blackburn pavilion and saw some awesome birds and then some not so awesome bugs and spiders. She got the picture of Joshua with the snake, another no from Zac. 

“You’re daddy is being unfair to us.” 

“Surprise him.” She said.

“Oh no. I’d rather he know. I’m not sure if he has any issues with animals, hasn’t said. But it’s time for a potty break and a diaper.” 

We stopped for a moment so we could potty and I could change him. It was then on to the Lions and lionesses, yet another big cat that he adored. I sent a few to our parents as well. There was a lion right in front of the window, they were super chill though. I helped him stand up and couldn’t resist the one from behind, which I took with the camera. I then used my phone and sent it to Zac also. 

“Are you going to school now? I noticed you’ve written down some things with assignment beside it.” 

“Yeah, I registered in December and then started classes in January. It’s photography.” 

“I saw some of the ones you posted on your accounts before you removed them. They were really great pictures. Do you still talk to Charlotte?” 

Joshua was staring at the lions. “I haven’t spoken to her in five years or more.”

“What about Michael? Jackson?”

I shook my head. “The only real friends I have now are Saphira and my sister in laws. Saphira I met when I worked at the gas station.” 

“That’s it? Cass, you were a social butterfly.” 

“I was until I began dating Calvin. What few lasted through our dating years were gone before the first anniversary. I think Zac tried to find some of them but I haven’t seen or heard from them. Honestly Bells, if they come around now it’ll be because of my last name. They haven’t cared in over three years, so there is no point in me contacting them.” 

“Bells…no one has called me that in years. I just can’t believe you went from this social everything to hermit.” 

I laughed. “I’m not a hermit. I get out. I’m in London!” 

She didn’t really change her facial expression from super serious. “You’re here because you married Zac Cassie. You really did just change.” 

“Abusive husbands and miscarriages do that to you. I am getting better I mean I do have lunch with classmates and two of them covered the wedding. Which I have your pictures.” 

“I wish I could have come, Mom sent me a Skype message and I was like half awake watching.” 

“It’s okay.” 

We got up and he wasn’t so thrilled to leave here, but he was fine once we reached the butterfly house, thousands of butterflies swarming and he even let Annabelle take him, so I could take a billion photos of the butterflies and of them and him. When we left the butterfly house we went toward the other side of the area, crossing under a road. We paused at the happy families exhibit because he was getting hungry. Once we were done I laid him down but no, he just sat back up as we walked through the rainforest life, and nightlight and even the aviary. The last section was African animals and we went around with the giraffes and the hyena and zebra. He seemed fine for the most part but we paused in front of the hippo’s and that was it. Annabelle and I both were a little shocked by his sudden screaming. 

“Joshua, baby it’s okay.” I cooed.

She walked on and we headed away from the hippos but he kept crying. I finally called Zac who answered on the first ring.

“I have found the one animal he cares nothing for, Hippos.”

“Is that why he’s screaming my name?” 

“Yep.” 

I put him on speaker phone so he could talk to him. It was ironic that it’s all he needed really, to hear Zac talking to him. Annabelle seemed somewhere between cloud nine and 109, like she didn’t really believe I married him. When Joshua was quiet I let him return to working.

“How about we axe the aquarium, he looks tired.” 

“Is there a park nearby?” 

“Across the street.” 

“Let’s go there, I can lay him down and he may snooze.” 

“We could head back to the hotel too, I think he may do better there and then we can see some more places later today and tomorrow.” 

“Okay.” 

She handled the stroller return and she drove us back to the hotel. By the time we were there he was asleep, so I got him carefully and we headed up.

“I’d have woken him up sure enough.” 

“I’m about the only one that can.” 

I laid him down in the crib the hotel had provided and he turned to get comfortable. I was actually glad to be sitting down a bit.

“So, what are you going to do futurewise?” 

“Finish my degree first, I’ve been doing some pictures for his friends and stuff, so I may open a studio or something. I considered asking him if we could tour but he’s not that easy to handle on a bus.” 

“And by then you’ll have two.” 

“Truth. But…Saphira wanted to do some traveling and she’s really good with kids and he adores her usually. I was considering asking if she wanted to join but again, I’d have to clear that with the band.” 

“It’s possible she would.” 

“What about you? Are you staying here?” 

“No. I’m here another year and then I am returning to the states. My visa would be up, I love it here but I miss family. Like, I won’t see your daughter until I’m home, and I feel like had I been there I may have pulled you away much sooner.” 

“Why do you say that?” 

“I was an idiot to let him influence my decisions but I think if I was there, I would have really seen what he was doing. Being told over the phone or some e-mail isn’t the same as seeing it. I would have tried much harder.” 

“I didn’t listen to my own parents, I doubt you’d have made much impact.” 

She smiled. “I’d have kidnapped you if I had to. What happen to his bitch of a mom?” 

“She tried to blame me for the divorce but she’s in the same spot, I saw her once afterwards, I was down at the pharmacy getting some medication for him. She was there getting something.”

“Did she say anything?”

“Called me a bitch, told me I needed to respect her son and come back.” 

“And you said?” 

I smiled. “That I knew her secrets and she needed to back the fuck off.” 

“Secrets?” 

“I know how corrupt her company is, how shitty they are. I haven’t told Zac yet but I did talk with the lawyer that handled the divorce and she gave me the number of someone to call. I may have filed a formal complaint on her company. Which may or may not get her in deep shit.” 

She smiled. “So bad.” 

“She deserves it. Zac put Joshua there before he called me, he pulled him three days later because he had a bad diaper rash and it was around his neck too. I didn’t want to tell him it was possible she did that because of his name. She took care of the kids if she liked them. It’s not how you run a daycare center.” 

“No, it’s not. Hopefully they’ll do something.” 

“The guy was confident they would, he was suppose to do a surprise inspection this week actually.” 

“So, I’m not sure if he’ll like the wax museum, we can try that tomorrow and see. Maybe we can hit a few museums there are a few that I think you will love and he can enjoy them too, nothing scary.” 

“It works for me. He should be up in a bit.” 

We made some plans on where to go the afternoon and tomorrow, there were several places Zac had told me to wait on because he wanted to be here. We had a pleasant afternoon and we did go to the wax museum, Joshua seemed fine with the figures which was nice. She was staying with me for the night, which was good for me I didn’t feel alone. 

Saturday presented us with perfect weather so we hit some of the places that were low-key and just rode around a bit and got to see mostly museums. Because I didn’t know she was a fan I asked Zac if there was anything that I could do or he could. He had talked to Isaac and Taylor about it and got her backstage passes and a meet and greet. 


	48. London Walks

POV: Zac 

  

April 25, 2007

We’d met Annabelle yesterday and she was something else. I was glad that while she was a fan she didn’t act all hysterical and stuff when she met us! Cassie and I had actually spent Monday with her too, and I found her to be pretty normal, if not a bit nervous at first. She had taken us to museums but then Tuesday had been a day in for us, Cassie was having some mild pain in her left side and while she said she was fine I wasn’t going to risk anything and we’d just taken a low-key stay in the hotel day. Helped us both to recover some. 

Joshua was constantly pulling up here and I just knew before long he would be walking. I had left them at the hotel and went and got breakfast, so we could eat there and then get ready. She wanted to see the London Eye and the aquarium, which were right beside each other. Once I got back we all ate and while she got changed I got Joshua ready. Still going with long sleeves for him because of the temperatures along with his jacket. The hotel had a stroller rental and I’d gotten one Monday to use for the rest of our time here, I hadn’t told her yet but we weren’t quite going home from here. She’d mentioned the Eiffel tower for days before we left and then realized it wasn’t here where we were, I’d managed to plan that short side trip without her knowing. 

We were treating this as a sort of a honeymoon since Taylor, Isaac, and the rest of the band had gone home yesterday. We weren’t going home until May 1 st. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“Well, I’m not hurting so that’s a plus! I feel a lot better and maybe you were right that I just needed a day.”

“I’d say I’m always right, but that’s a lie.” 

She laughed. “Bring his carrier today just in case he gets scared.” 

He hadn’t much liked the Piccadilly circus area, so I put the carrier in the bag and we headed out. I had rented a car too because cabs were expensive so I drove us there and parked. I parked in the aquarium area and we then walked to the London Eye. We waited in line with him in the stroller until we were put into a pod, then she let him out. We had a few others with us but Joshua stayed right beside us. 

“The view is incredible.” 

“It is, it’s a good place to see a lot of London.”

I felt Joshua tug at my pants so I picked him up. Pointed out places to him.

“Mama.” He said.

She turned and smiled when he reached out, she took him from me. It gave me the chance to get some good pictures of them together too! We did move around the pod, so we got to see the entire view before we were let off. From there we walked to the aquarium, we did a potty break first and to change him, along with a bottle so he wouldn’t be cranky. 

I carried him for a while since the first few exhibits weren’t on the floor or eye level with the stroller. He seemed to like the movement of the faster animals, watching intently but the slower ones like the Jellyfish weren’t that interesting to him. 

We moved up and then across and found we were walking over sharks!

“Well this is different.” Cassie said.

“Definitely.” 

I sat him down and pointed them out, but he stayed really close to me, even though he watched them swim by. 

“I think he likes fish and swimming critters.” Cassie said.

“Clearly he does.” 

“Maybe that is something to have at the house since you wouldn’t let us bring the kitties home or the snakes or the reptiles.” 

I looked up at her. “Come on, Joshua didn’t want to bring those home. You did!” 

“Wouldn’t mind a snake or two.” 

“No. The fish however could be a suitable solution. Easy to maintain, no messes in the floor and not expensive to take care of.” 

“I think he’d like them too.” 

When we were done with the sharks we moved down a level, and in the overhead tunnels, for these he rode in the stroller. Amazed by the numerous fishes moving all around us.

“So, Annabelle asked me if we had any names picked out.” 

I glanced at Cassie who was just taking pictures, clearly she hadn’t said that but she glanced at me so I guess she had.

“You said you wanted to wait before we discussed names.” 

“I lost her around 20 or 21 weeks, I’m past that.” 

“And you want to do that here?” 

“Well, I mean I just had a few suggestions, nothing concrete or anything.” 

“Like?” 

We were moving slowly, looking and taking pictures.

“There is London, Paris, they’re good girl names.” 

“I really don’t want to name my daughter after a city.” 

“Lucy? Madeline?” 

“Not after a song title either.” 

“I guess Brooklyn is out then? Georgia? Peaches?” 

I paused and looked at her. “I really think you aren’t taking that seriously.” 

“Well, I mean I am kind of. But, just tossing out ideas. There are thousands of names available.” 

“What about your middle name? Destiny?”

“I don’t know, you didn’t use your name.” 

“I did consider it, using Walker has a middle name as well. But, ultimately chose just Alexander.” 

“I rather like Alexandria, but you used that already.”

We moved into the learning areas and that was awesome to see by itself, but then we headed to other parts of the aquarium.

“I really do like Destiny and she really was destined to be here Cassie.” 

She turned and smiled at me. “I would say something but I can’t, there are little kids around.” 

I was sure there was a tinge of red to my face after that, I was pretty certain she was going to comment about the quickness in which I made babies. God I hope that wasn’t the case all the time! It got quiet and I began to realize the gravity of this. I was 21 and I would have two children before my 22 nd birthday! I’d have a one year old soon! 

We finished the aquarium tour and then headed to Trafalger square, we decided to walk to the location because we could see Big Ben and other places. We stopped for lunch and to give her a break, followed that with a walk which put him to sleep, so we detoured to the Whitehall gardens on the banks of the river, so he could get some kind of nap in. 

“Taylor and Isaac asked me if you were coming with us this Fall.” 

“Did they expect me to?” 

“Do you want to?”

“Well, yes. It’s a chance to get outside Tulsa and see more of the United States. However, I wasn’t sure how they’d feel with a pregnant lady and a one year old.” 

He giggled. “They won’t mind either, but, I think for August you should stay around Tulsa, that way you can see the doctor and she can be born there. We have shows in August but they’re all before the due date.” 

“She can be here earlier you know.” 

“I know, but I won’t be far in LA and I’ll make sure to have a ticket standing by in case I need to fly home quickly.” 

“Well, would they mind if Saphira came? She mentioned wanting to travel and she could really help me with Joshua and the baby.” 

“I would have to ask them. She may need to do more than help though.” 

“I can see what she’s willing to do but I just wasn’t sure if I could handle them both everywhere and I know that you can’t always drop what you’re doing and come help. I mean, would be kind of odd if you left mid-song.” 

“It would be.” 

“What about Serenity?” 

I raises a brow at her. “Serenity?” 

“Yes.” 

“Destiny Serenity is not a good match.” I said.

“I never fully agreed to Destiny.” 

“You could just leave the name up to me.” 

She poked my side. “You got lucky with him, you didn’t have her there to complain. Not so much with her.” 

I giggled. “Fine. I do like Destiny though.” 

“Korinna?” She asked.

“Where did that come from?” 

“It’s Saphira’s middle name.” 

I just shook my head. “No naming after anyone unless it’s grandparents.” 

“Marie is my mom’s middle name.” 

“We can use Marie somehow.” 

“What about your mom?”

“My mom had five kids that can use her name, because I am sure that my brothers and sisters will have kids someday.” 

“You just decided you hated being in the middle and wanted to be first?”

“I guess.” 

“You got a little spacey in the aquarium, was everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I just realized that at 21 I’d have two kids.” 

“And that wasn’t the plan?” 

“Not really. I wanted to be at least 25 but at the same time I really don’t think I would change anything. Joshua has a mother that loves him and even though he isn’t yours, you’ve never acted like he wasn’t.”

“Was that part of the reason why you didn’t go back to Maddi?” 

I really hadn’t expected that question from her, especially not at this point.

“I didn’t go back to Maddi for the reasons I gave you Cassandra. Why are you asking this now about her?” 

“Because I felt like some of your decision was based on who was better for him.” 

I slid over closer, she couldn’t really move. “I chose to stay with you because I love you. I chose you because you truly love me, it’s not fake and it’s not because of my name. I chose you because you love Joshua and you consider him to be your son. He’s not your step-son or your husband’s son, he’s our son.”

“So, you did think about that?” 

“I didn’t need too, I knew when she showed up Cassie. Are we ready to head to the square?” 

“Yep, he should be up shortly.” 

We headed out toward the square.

“Is there some reason why you are so adamant about being the one that shows me this place?” 

“Yes, it’s where we filmed some of the Where’s The Love video. I wanted to be the one to show you.” 

“I didn’t know that’s where it was filmed.” 

“Yep, some of it was anyway.” 

The walk was eventless but he did wake up before we got there, once there it was a quick diaper change and I sat down to let him play while she took a dozen pictures or more. I had him standing in front of me, using me to stay balanced.

“Mama.” 

“She’s right there, she hasn’t gone anywhere.” 

She was standing about ten feet from us, getting a picture of the fountain. He turned her direction but didn’t move yet, called for her again.

“I know you hear him.” 

“Uh huh, I’m just seeing if he’s going to let you go.” She said.

“So mean.”

She turned and came toward us, kneeled down a few feet away and held her hands out. I didn’t believe he’d move, but he let my arm go and stood there.

“Come on Joshua.” She said.

She kept reassuring him and he eventually took his first step, quickly followed by the second and third and then he fell. Thankfully, he didn’t fall forward just backwards. What did we do? The normal parent thing, we tried to get a video and when we did we sent it to our parents and my siblings. 

“Well, I’m not sure if I like this walking thing.” I said.

“You will soon but we do need to add the baby gate upstairs. Even though he’s in the crib, walking leads to climbing.” 

“I have one already there, so I’ll put it back up.” 

Joshua had fun walking back and forth, falling more than he was walking but she did come closer because we didn’t want him to fall forward, but of course it had to happen, thankfully no blood this time. We visited a few more places before we had dinner and then returned to the hotel. Joshua got some more practice there before it was bedtime. We’d managed to agree that Marie would be used either as her first or middle name, we just weren’t sure which yet. If I had my way, it would be her middle name. I also talked to Isaac and Taylor about her joining us, they both wanted to talk more when we were home but agreed to consider Saphira also.

We spent the next several days exploring London and then France, she was surprised and that was the whole point. But, I made sure she rested too before we headed home.


	49. Happy First Birthday

POV: Zac 

  

June 10, 2007: 

Cassie was at 30 weeks and one day, she was doing a lot better now. Once we got home we did the Hanson Day weekend thing and then she and I focused on getting ready for this baby. The first thing we did was clean the other bedroom out, the bed went to her parents because they had found a house not far from my parents and it had extra rooms. We then bought a new crib because Joshua’s would convert, but I went ahead and put the crib in our room. 

We painted the room a light pink with white trim, something easier to cover when we eventually moved. Anything of Joshua’s that was too small she put into that room which told us what we needed for her and what we didn’t. It let her update the registry for the baby shower Saphira was giving her the 24 th also. We truly didn’t have a big list, so she asked for more girl type colors, pinks and purples mostly and dresses. Girly stuff.

I was glad that she was fully embracing that she isn’t going to lose her and that things were fine. The doctor checked each visit just to make sure and as each appointment passed she was feeling better and better, at this point she was accepting that nothing would happen. She also had expanded quite a bit the last few weeks, she clearly looked pregnant and was now wearing mostly maternity clothes and my sweat pants.

Today however we both celebrated a big event, today was Joshua’s first birthday! 

Saphira came over at ten to help us set up and get things ready, but then she was going with us across to the park for some pictures. Cassie was taking them of him alone and with me but Saphira was doing family pictures. I could legitimately say that now because the papers had arrived Friday, Cassandra was officially Joshua’s mother. 

We decorated first and we had chosen a fish theme, he loved watching fish and since he did we’d gone with that theme. The invitations had been white with a blue section across the bottom and an orange fish, it had his picture in the upper left corner and read ‘Swim on over to have some fun, our little fishy Joshua is turning ONE’. It was just cute enough without being cheesy. His birthday cake was two tiers, the bottom was blue with dark blue spots and orange beads across the bottom and the top layer looked like a fish bowl with a few orange fishes around it. A banner read Happy Birthday Joshua and there was a 1 on top of the cake. 

Cassie had used a Photoshop class to do his other decorations including some streamers that had fish in various colors hanging from a black cord and read Happy 1 st Birthday. Her biggest project was 12 photos arranged in a line each one representing a month. They were the monthly pictures we’d taken, while they didn’t all match it was fine. 

“You want to get Joshua ready for pictures?” She asked.

“Sure. What outfit?” 

“He’ll have his fishy overalls on with a blue shirt. They’re laying out.” 

“We doing family pictures in that too?” 

“Yeah, when Emily does the maternity pictures we’ll do non-fish themed family ones.” 

I paused. “Maternity pictures?” 

“She’s doing them the first of July, so probably do a theme around that. She said I’d be big enough then and since you have dates pretty much the entire end of July and August it’ll work. She put me down for the 8 th.” 

“Okay. I’ll make sure we’re clear then. Are you changing?” 

“No.” 

She had worn maternity shorts in brown and a sleeveless shirt, it had various shades of blue like making squares and a belt over her belly. I got him and headed up. I changed Joshua first and then while he walked around getting into everything I changed into matching kaki pants and a blue and white checked shirt, using a white undershirt. I got our shoes on and we headed downstairs, we just walked across the street to the park. There was no need in driving a few hundred feet. She got his first, capturing him running around the open fields and playing. She got some of me and him as well and then Saphira took some family shots. 

As we were sitting on the ground waiting for Saphira to change the camera batteries Joshua laid his head over on her tummy.

“Baby?” he asked.

“That’s right, baby is there.” 

I saw Saphira take the picture, I knew what my new desktop background would be. 

“Zac can you scoot up behind her, without him moving.” 

“Maybe.” 

I carefully moved and Cassie kept talking to him and he kept his head laying there. When we were done we headed back to the house, he needed his nap and then it would be party time! We made it back to the house and I got him laid down for his nap. I then helped them finish fixing the sandwiches and party favors. We were almost done when the doorbell rang and I went to get it, assuming it was family members. But the couple at my door were not my family.

“Mr. and Mrs. Rosen, what can I do for you?” 

“We were wondering if we could see our grandson. It’s his birthday after all.” She said.

“We understand that Megan cannot be around him but we’re his grandparents.” He said.

I felt Cassie when she came up beside me but she rather got in front of me.

“I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She said.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“I’m his mother and while I understand that you feel like you have some right to see him, you don’t. I read all the papers from the court and from the law so that I fully understood them. Your daughter gave up her rights and thus she gave up yours.” 

“Our daughter was under stress and you cannot possibly understand that.” 

“I’m sorry Mr. Rosen, but your daughter was doing drugs and even when she held him in that court room she was high. It is not wise to subject Joshua to confusing situations until he is old enough to understand and be explained what happened and why. When that day comes, if he chooses to get to know you we will not stop him. But, until then we appreciate if you’d just go about your life. You haven’t spent the last year with him and he doesn’t know you. Likewise, you don’t know him.” 

“He is our grandson. He is not your son, you have no right to make any decisions.” 

I laid my hands on her shoulder. “Actually, she does. Not only is she my wife but she is legally his mother now. Having formally adopted him. Not that it matters to you because as his father I agree with her. You didn’t bother to protect him from your daughter and I do not want you near him now. At such time if he ever wants to know you or them, then I will certainly allow it. But, until then it’s best if you stay away.” 

They acted like they were going to continue but after heavy sighs they nodded and left peacefully.

“There’s nothing they can do legally, is there?” Saphira asked.

“No.” we said.

“Good.” She said.

We finished the trays and got the decorations up, she printed off one of the 12 month pictures to complete the 12 pictures. I couldn’t believe my son was now one. It had been a long year filled with lots of ups and downs, but I had been able to raise him for a full twelve months with help. He was healthy, he was happy, and he was loved. Cassie had come in and healed my family and that was great for everyone here. I was hoping the sweet little girl she was carrying would finish healing us all.

Joshua was still asleep when my parents arrived but it seems Mom was okay with that because she had to talk to the new baby and see how Cassie was. I got Joshua when he woke up and after a clean diaper we headed down. By four everyone was present. We were eating and talking, Joshua was playing with Paul and everyone was just happy.

“I saw Megan a few days ago.” Reed said.

I glanced at him. “Is she staying clean?” 

“H.e.l.l. No.”

I’d cautioned everyone on the cuss words because Joshua was learning new words now, so he had spelled out hell instead of saying it. I shook my head. 

“Her parents came over today to see him, Cassie said no.”

“Good, I wouldn’t let them ever see him Zac.”

“I’m not. I really don’t trust them. Besides, Joshua has two sets of grandparents that truly love him, he doesn’t need them.” 

The presents were super fun to watch, he had learned how to tear paper and while the new clothes didn’t really excite him the new toys did. Sometimes to the point where I had to open it so he could play a few moments. Watching him dig into his own cake was quite messy. I now understood why Cassie took the overalls off. His high chair was covered in cake, he was covered, and I was pretty sure it would take an army to get the cake out of those curls.

But after all the festivities when everyone was just talking I noticed Cassie wasn’t downstairs.

“Saphira, where is Cassie?” 

“Last I seen she was going upstairs.” 

That was odd as she usually didn’t go back upstairs until she was going to bed. Knowing Joshua was well taken care of here, I headed up. She was sitting on the side of the bed.

“Cassie? Are you okay?” 

“Yeah.” 

I went over to the bed and sat down beside her. While she said yeah, it didn’t sound convincing to me.

“Cassie.” 

“I just felt sick, I think I over ate on the cake.” 

“Maybe. Is that all?” 

“She hasn’t moved since I sat down, but she maybe asleep.” 

It was rude of me to even try and wake her, but Cassie’s voice sounded down and when I felt her foot kick me I smiled.

“She was sleeping.” 

“So rude, but thank you. I mean, common sense told me things were fine.”

I kissed her cheek. “But sometimes it’s okay to calm your fears down. So…you want to wait and I’ll bring up the messy one year old for you to bathe?” 

“Let him get dirty it’s fine.”

We headed back downstairs after that and sure enough, he was playing in the backyard with Paul again. We took a moment to gather the new clothes and toys and put them inside and even mild cleaning up. By seven everyone had headed home except Saphira who was helping us clean up. 

“Are you ever going to bathe him?” 

“I’m about to take him. But, um..So..I know this could be kind of short notice but Zac and I talked about it and I would like for you to travel with us. You would technically be a helper too, but only to unload the trailer and you would be paid for that. But, basically you’ll be my helper.” 

She blinked. “Are you…do you mean during the tour?” 

“Yes. It wouldn’t be before she’s born, we’ve established that it would be safer if I stayed home until then. But, once she is here and a few weeks old then myself and the kids are joining and I’ll need help.” 

“I would love to and I’ll speak to Peggy about taking extended time off.” 

Cassie smiled and Saphira gave us both hugs but then Cassie got Joshua and his messy self.

“He and I are going for a bath. Saphira, thank you for the help today and the pictures. I’ll have to wait for Zac to come up to get us out of the tub.” 

“No problem. Enjoy your bath and you’re welcome. I’ll finish helping him clean then head out.” 

Cassie headed up with him and we finished cleaning up. I thanked her again before she left and once the downstairs was clean I headed up. Joshua was sitting in the tub still playing but she was beside the tub.

“You didn’t want to get in?” 

“I figured I would wait until he was asleep and then we can have a bath.” 

“I like that idea much better.”

“He’s just been playing, I can’t quite bend over the tub.” 

I smiled and bathed him good before getting him ready for bed. He had a bottle about 8 and he played a bit more before I laid him down. He was very tired because he was asleep before 9:15, after that I drew us a bath and helped her in, joining.

“Is there anything we need to do for her?” 

“Nope. The baby shower should finish out whatever we could need and then it’s just waiting.” 

“She needs a name…” 

She sighed. “I’ve thought about it and I think I do want to use Destiny Marie. It’s really the only name we both agree on and like truly. Is that what you want?” 

“I think it’s perfect really. It’s your middle name which we both like and your mother’s middle name. Worse case, next time we have a girl we can use Diana.” 

“Next time?” She asked.

I giggled. “We did agree on more than two. Just with space.” 

“What if we have all boys and this is the only girl?” 

“I don’t think we will have all boys after her, we could have all girls and Joshua be the only boy. Either way, my mom’s not going to be mad or anything.” 

“I worried if she would, but as you said you do have four other siblings and I don’t.” 

“Do you feel okay?” 

“I do. I mean, she is moving so I don’t feel like something happened. I just got scared I guess. I am tired and a little hungry.” 

“We had leftovers, once we’re out I’ll run down and get something.” 

After a long bath I did run down for us both, eating in bed was always nice and then we both crashed for the night, she would toss and turn a bit anyway because of being pregnant. Two more months before we welcomed her into our lives. I honestly couldn’t wait.


	50. Welcome

POV: Cassandra / Zac 

  

July 26, 2007 

The baby shower had been a big success, there was very little we needed after the shower and we’d gone the next day and gotten the rest, her room was set up and ready. The maternity pictures had gone sooo well! Joshua was super sweet and Emily had gotten wonderful family and single shots. We’d already gotten some printed out and distributed.

Zac had made up for having me babysit last year for my birthday. He’d gone out all with a homemade dinner, back massage, and a new car. He’d even let me pick it out and I did go with the SUV route because it was a little more sturdy. Best birthday ever.

The last week had been really hard though, Zac was in New York for few more days and while I could normally handle Joshua alone, I just couldn’t this week. My back had felt like a vice grip was around me and I’d been unable to really sleep. Zac, over worried father that he was, had called my Mom who had moved us to their house until he got back. It sucked. It wasn’t my bed or my place and they were naggy. My mother was trying to stuff me full of food and water and my Dad was trying to make me sleep forever. I wanted Zac back home.

I’d gotten up with Joshua early and after breakfast he and I talked and played, he was saying Baby really well and knew nana now and papa, which is what he called both my parents and Zac’s. My mom wanted nanny though, but he was working on that. They got up at nine and by eleven I was just feeling super tired. I tried to sleep but about noon I started feeling pains in my side, not sharp ones though. I went to the living room about 12:30.

“Mom?” I asked.

“Sweetie you should be resting.” 

“I don’t feel well, my back is hurting like hell and my sides are too.” 

My Dad had Joshua feeding him at the table but mom came over and felt my forehead, she then asked when and what I ate last and then sent me to sit while she fixed soup. Sitting seemed to help and after eating most of the soup I felt okay. I fell asleep in the chair only briefly waking when Joshua climbed up with me. It wasn’t him that woke me up, even though he was curled up with me asleep. It was the very sharp pain.

“Did he kick you Cassie?” Dad asked.

I shook my head. It was several minutes before I could tell him it wasn’t Joshua.

“I think you need to see the doctor.” 

“I see her Monday.”

She didn’t look pleased, but she nodded and yet when the second sharp pain came she shook her head.

“You’re going to the hospital, your father can watch Joshua.” 

“Mom.” 

“No arguments Cassandra Destiny! Let’s go.” 

“But there’s no point!” 

“There is a point, that’s twice and I’d rather they check you and send you home than it be too late.” 

My mother was the queen of stubborn, so my pleas fell on deaf ears and I eventually got up, leaving Joshua asleep in the chair I was just in. The trip to the hospital was quick and she handled the nurses when we arrived, knowing pretty much everything they’ll ask beforehand. The pain concerned them so they did take me up to be observed. But I was at 36 weeks and this was too soon, her lungs may not be fully developed or her immune system. They hooked up monitors and one of the nurses checked me.

“You are at a four.” 

“What?” 

“You’re dilated to a four.”

“This is too soon, can you stop it?” 

“Probably not, but I will ask.” 

Yet, it didn’t seem hopeful that they could and Zac was…holy fuck Zac was in New York!!!!

**-Zac-**

We were doing a shit ton of radio interviews, we were in the middle of the fourth one when my phone vibrated, I ignored it but it kept on vibrating.

“Excuse me.” 

Taylor and Isaac both gave me questioning looks as I crept out into the hallway to see who was calling, Cassie’s name and picture was flashing on the screen and the text message said in caps to call her. So, I answered.

“Hey baby, is everything okay? Are you alright? Joshua?” 

Yet, all I could hear was Cassie’s slurred and incomprehensible words. I could tell when someone took the phone because her voice got farther away.

“Zac?” 

“Sheila? What’s going on? What is wrong with her?” 

“Zac, Cassie’s at the hospital. She was having some pains and I brought her here. She’s at a four but she’s upset because you’re there and it’s early. I told her not to worry.” 

“Wait…Cassie’s where?” 

“She’s at the hospital. Joshua is with Gene at the house. But, is there any way you can head home now?” 

“Yes, I’ll catch a red eye flight home right now. I just need to get my bags or make sure my brothers can.” 

“Ok. She’s calming some. Do you want to talk to her?” 

“Please.” 

She sounded no better to me, I heard my name and I felt so bad for being so far away! 

“Cassandra, baby listen. I’m catching a flight home as soon as I can. You’re going to be okay. Just calm down.” 

“What if you’re not here?” 

“I’ll be there. Remember, you said this was mandatory.”

“But…” 

“Cassie, I’ll be there. I’m going to let them know and get the flight. Have your mom or you keep me posted.” 

“Okay.” 

I stayed on the line until she sounded better and then I hung up, they were still doing the interview so I went ahead and found and booked a flight home. It would put me getting home at seven, but it was the only one they had. I then eased back and waited for when they said break.

“Zac?” they asked.

“Cassie’s in labor, I have to go now. I will understand if you guys want to finish our commitments, but I can’t let her do this alone. She was so upset she couldn’t even tell me, her mom did.” 

“We have two more radio shows, we’ll do those and then head home too.” Isaac said.

“Thank you.” 

I felt like time slowed down, like traffic crawled and every red light caught the cab. It felt like my packing my bags took too long and then the drive to the airport crawled too. Check in was easy but the wait was killing me. Her mom was sending me updates, she was still at a four but the labor pains were getting worse. I called my parents who called my sisters, and I called Saphira. She wanted Saphira there and she could keep her calm until I got there. The flight home wasn’t long, but it felt like an eternity. Before I’d gotten on the plane she’d sent a message that her water had broken, wanted to know where the hell I was. Thankfully Jessica was waiting at the airport.

“Mom send you?” 

“No. Cassie did. She, and I quote said ‘some goddamn body better fucking be here when your plane landed or she was fucking coming here herself’….Labor pains are not something she has dealt with easily. There have been more cuss words from her mouth in the last four hours than I’ve heard the past year from all of my older brothers.” 

“Please tell me you guys aren’t taking them to heart.” 

“Oh no, we all understand the pain is talking. She was at a five but things were slowing just a bit.” 

I got my bags and she made every light…some just by mere seconds and dropped me off at the door. Finding her took little time and I walked in at 9:20. Just by how she was yelling at her mother and mine, said she was at the snapping point and was fed up with whatever they were doing. 

“Guys, can you just give us a moment.” 

They gladly left me here with the pissed off wife and they all muttered something about breaks and snacks, even the two nurses left the room quickly! Clearly she’d been yelling at them too. I moved and sat down on the bed and she was in my arms within moments, despite the IV and other monitors.

“It’s okay Cassie.” 

“No, it’s not. It’s too soon Zac. What if…I can’t…” 

I held her tightly. “It’s fine Cassie. 36 weeks is not bad, it’s only a week away from full term and the doctor told you before I left that she looked healthy and it appeared that her lungs were mature.”

“But..” 

“Shhh…it’s fine. I’m here and I’m not going to miss anything. You have done remarkably well the last few months. Not much longer and then our daughter will be here. But she needs you to be calm and I know everything is frustrating and upsetting you, but they’re here to help you.” 

She didn’t reply and I wondered if I’d said the wrong thing! But then I felt her hands tighten around my arms and grab the shirt, the little monitor began to show higher waves and I assumed this was a contraction and it was why she had not said anything. I hummed and rubbed her back until her hands relaxed.

“I know there here to help, but all I’ve wanted was you and they’re just driving me crazy telling me I need to walk, or have more ice, or that I should relax, it’s just driving me insane. They’re not you.” 

I smiled. “They want to help but I am here, so what do you need or want?” 

“They should be coming with the epidural, after that I can’t do much. But, can we walk?” 

“Sure.” 

I helped her up and fixed the gown so she wasn’t showing anything. We walked the hallways for a bit, any contractions she paused and I held her. Once she was back in the room the doctor came in with the epidural. She had thought about going without the pain medication, but her pain tolerance wasn’t that high. The epidural helped her relax and not be as stressed. 

Her dad brought Joshua up about 10:10, they were going to stay here since it was late and he would most likely sleep. Joshua was concerned about her wanting to make her feel better. She didn’t want anyone else in the room but me, so a nurse agreed to get some pictures, she didn’t want the birth itself but some right after. The waiting was the hard part.

**July 27, 2007; 3:00 am**

Destiny Marie had been born at 2:28 am. I would forever wish that I had been able to see Joshua enter this world, but I was beyond happy to be able to see her being born, even if it did make me a little sick. They had laid her, screaming at the top of her lungs, onto Cassie’s chest and I’d been able to cut the cord. The doctors and nurses had left her laying on her chest for quite a while, having just moved her a few moments ago. The nurse had taken several pictures and when she was moved Cassie told me to move and take pictures, she would be fine. 

She had quieted down as she laid there on Cassie, now she was screaming again. They were cleaning, checking, getting the vitals, and even some formula! I was snapping pictures. She was definitely a girl and definitely mine, she did however have her mother’s bright blue eyes. I got several pictures as they got everything done and then she laid there to get warm. 

“You should go tell them, but I don’t want visitors right now.” 

“They’re not letting you for at least another hour and I sent them a text a while ago, they’re going to wait.”

“I meant like…the rest of the night Zac.”

“No one?” 

“Who is here?” 

“Our parents. Saphira said she would come up first thing in the morning and Taylor and Isaac aren’t even home yet.” 

“If they want to wait, that’s fine but I want Joshua to see her first and spend some time with her before everyone else is back.” 

“Okay.” I said.

I stayed here until they moved us to a room and once Cassie was settled in the bed I brought Destiny to her. 

“I caught some of her stats, what were they?” 

“Eight pounds seven ounces, 19 inches long and she passed all the initial checks.” 

“You know…you could have let her have some of my features.” 

“She does, she has your eyes.” 

“So, I get eyes and gender and that’s all? Not fair.” 

“Next time.” 

She just smiled, I gave her a few more minutes before I went to the front to see if Joshua was asleep. He was in my mom’s lap crying though and came right to me.

“Hey little man, what happened?” 

“He’s a quick little booger, he fell off the sofa.” Mom said.

“No bumps, just think he got a little startled.”

“They just put her in room 407, but she’d like for Joshua to see her first. I’ll come get everyone once he’s gotten to meet his little sister. I guess it’s good since he’s asking for Mama anyway.” 

“Are they doing well?” Dad asked.

“Yes, Cassie is obviously very tired but Destiny is doing well.”

“Destiny?” Mom asked.

“That’s her name, Destiny Marie.” 

“Pretty name.” 

“Let me take him back and then I’ll come get people.” 

I headed back to the room but when he saw that she was holding the baby he got quiet. We had tried to prepare him as best we could for the new baby, but he didn’t seem happy that she was holding her. I sat down and he just watched her. 

“Do you want to see the baby Joshua?” 

“No.” he said.

“Do you want to see Mama?” She asked.

“No.” he said.

I let him sit down in my lap but he kept looking at her. She finally laid Destiny down on the bed between her feet. 

“Baby?” he asked.

“Your baby sister.” I said.

He finally reached for Cassie and she let him come to her. He just curled up against her and ignored everything else.

“He fell off the sofa, maybe he’s just not ready to be social.” 

She rubbed his back. “Or he’s going to be super jealous. Go ahead and let them come back, that way we can get some rest.” 

“Can you handle them both?” 

“Yes.” 

I went and got our parents and when I got back Joshua was sound asleep and Destiny was laying where she was, but I got pictures with our parents. Her parents were going to take Joshua back home with them but they got as far as the parking lot before they brought him back, he didn’t want to leave her. They agreed to bring him a bag and other stuff when they returned in a few hours.

 


	51. Epilogue

POV: Zac 

  

August 27, 2007

Joshua had been extremely jealous the first week, he didn’t want to be near her and he didn’t want her near either of us. He wouldn’t sleep in his room and he had to be in the bed with us. I had felt bad the times I had to leave for work, knowing how he was acting. It took him about two weeks to realize that we weren’t replacing him, that she wasn’t going anywhere. We finally got the pictures of him holding her and from that moment, he was pretty much all about baby. 

He wanted to help and he was great at being gentle with her, we were both thankful for that. Cassie had taken general pictures and she waited until Joshua was actually more accepting to get some of them, but I knew her reason for not taking professional ones before she was a month old was because she hadn’t with Joshua. We both knew he would have questions why the pictures of him in the hospital were different than hers, we’d cross that bridge when it occurred.

I had gotten up with Destiny at three, having a newborn at home again was nice. It was pleasant that I had help this time also. I was looking forward to our future together, looking forward to spending the rest of my life with Cassie and maybe a few more children. But as I sat here with both Cassie and Joshua asleep beside me and my little girl admiring me I couldn’t help but think back to when Joshua was a few days old. I’d gone to bed one night telling him I’d find someone that loved us both and I had. It had taken my family not helping and lack of support to find the person that I was meant to be with. 

I’d found a woman that loved him as if he was hers, I’d found a woman that loved me for who I was and nothing more. I really couldn’t ask for anything better than this moment, well…maybe another baby or four…

  


End file.
